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How we discovered it



Hey again, it's Allen.

This is something that... is such a topic. There seems to be so much debate over recovered memories, but anyone who has recovered memories knows how real this is. I wanted to talk about our journey to discovery, though I admittedly don't remember a lot about it. (such are dissociative disorders I guess)

From here, there will be some graphic details of intrusive memories and CSA, so please click away if you're not in a place to read that.

It all started in middle school. this was before I realized we were a system. I know others were around, looking back, but at the time I had no idea. I started getting this... intrusive sensation. It was of our genitals being touched from behind, from under our possible skirt. It always felt wrong, but I thought it was just another type of intrusive thought. I didn't start wondering about what it could really be until much later. Even across years, it never changed. And it never totally went away.

It wasn't until high school I learned we were a system and began to realize we may have some sa trauma. We'd always reacted poorly to sa media, but I thought it was just normal to feel that uncomfortable and upset and avoidant when it came up. I don't think it was until a few years later that it truly hit, though. Through all of those years, I had been off and on trying to reach a headmate I could feel was hidden away. A child who knew... well, she knew more than I did. And was suffering.

She was protected by what felt like a maelstrom pushing back against me as I tried to get to her. Finally, four or so years after we graduated, she came forward. We were... broken. It took a great toll on us. I still couldn't see all of the memories, but I could gather some, and what I've sen since has been harrowing. I spent a long time just obsessed with it, diving in and trying to figure it out. We were... incredibly unstable during that time. I know we remembered more, but now it's difficult to remember that time.

Our brain was... It felt like it was just erasing anything we did, any progress we made. Every time the trauma came back up it was like it was brand new again. Still, it comes on and is so overwhelming and all-encompassing that it feels like it will never end. I'm hoping we can find a way to combat it, but that'll be up to us and our therapist.

If you read this, thank you for giving us your time. Thank you for seeing us. We're not alone and neither are you.



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