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  1. My last T session. At least with my current T. And I'm properly going to miss her. She was amazing. Today, today was sort of funny in a way. Really really sad, loads of serious stuff, but also funny. We were talking about my mum and the abuse, the violence, the lack of care, and also the love she showed - the Jekyll and Hyde character and she asked what it was I'd want to say to her if she were sat there now (she's long passed away). My answer was quite simple, it was just 'Why?'. We talked some more around that, and I said about not being able to help thinking it was all connect
  2. Last week was a really positive week in therapy. We talked about how the university group are going to put a post out following me contacting them, and for the first time in my life I actually felt genuinely happy. There were proper tears or happiness, which I didn't even know were a real thing. And it totally amazes me that that happiness could come out of such tragedy. This week, we ended up spending most of the session talking about my sister who is really low at the moment and I've no idea what to do for her. She's just sinking deeper and deeper and pushing everyone away. Her dau
  3. Today at T we first spoke reflected on last week and I said that I do still feel shame, but that I yoyo somewhat when it comes to feeling like I'm to blame. Then I told her that I had contacted a group at the university I'm attending that education people (students) around the issues or sexual health and consent. So I have emailed them to say that I'd like to make people aware in one of their campaigns that an orgasm is not consent. It is just a reaction to stimuli. She asked me how I felt about this and I said terrified. I don't know how they're going to react (which she pointed out late
  4. At T today we started by talking about Uni. My head was/is really only focussed on that because I start next week, and a number of things have thrown it somewhat in to disarray. One of the things is that it seems that most of my lectures are at the hospital, not the university itself. And I require transport supplied by DSA (the government) which a needs assessor has to do a quote for and apply for. So I needed to knoow well in advance that I was going to be at the hospital, not the university. I have contacted the needs assessor and she's doing another quote, but it won't be done in time.
  5. So at T today we talked about a few things. We revisited the bullies from the pub and how I'm dealing with that scenario. Which is basically to sit with other people. We then talked about a flashback I'd had this week. I'd been having a memory of the oral rape, and of gagging and not being able to breathe. We talked about my feelings during that moment, fear, disgust. Then the conversation turned to my feelings around touch and where the anxiety comes from. I identified that I think it started with my dad. He used to explode at me, call me all the names under the sun, tell me he wished
  6. Feel really deflated today. Don't know if that's T or if that's because my sister has said she may be moving back up North. I think it's a bad idea, but I don't think I'm going to talk her out of it. She has it set in her head that this friend of theirs is the miracle answer to their prayers when it comes to her daughters mental health problems, or at least she will help considerably. And I just don't think that's the case. I think they's both clutching on to 'the grass is greener on the other side' when the reality is it's exactly the same. But maybe they have to go to find that out. B
  7. Today's T was really hard. I somehow managed to pluck up the courage to speak to her about my thoughts when I masterbate - that the things that arouse me are all violent / assaults. It made me want to throw up just talking about it. But she didn't judge me which was nice. She pointed out that almost all of my sexual experience has been from abusive situations - so this is my point of reference. This made me want to cry. I guess I've never really heard someone tell me that actually I've been the victim of sexual assault & abuse. I tried to explain this to her - I guess it was 2 fold,
  8. Hi @Jazzmin, welcome to AS. You'll find it a really supportive forum, with many different experiences and threads to read. I'm glad you found us, but sorry for what you've been through. I too was r*ped 15 years ago now, but didn't tell anybody for about 5 years (it just wasn't an option - so I buried it, like you in order to survive). I've been seeing T's (therapists - you'll find people just say T's on here) on and off since then, doing little bits of work, and am currently seeing one working on my feelings of not being able to be touched / get close to anybody. There are quite a few act
  9. Hey @Sailor Moon Lover, welcome to AS. I'm glad you found us but sorry you need us. We're a very welcoming bunch, you can post as much or as little as you like and come and go freely. There is totally no judgement here, believe me, we've heard it all! Have a look around the forums, make yourself at hope, and when you feel comfortable reply to some threads or make your own post. If you need anything while you're finding your feet, feel free to PM (message) me. Forest x
  10. Today we talked about loads. First of all I asked her about her question last week re whether in my heart of hearts I really thought it wasn't concentual, because I was confused about why she'd asked the question and what her thoughts about the events were. But she said that she'd felt I was very much allowing other people's judgements to affect my views last week, and she just wanted me to get back to what I knew to be true. She did ask me why it was important that she believes me, and I couldn't quite find my words to be able to say that it simply is important to be believed, so when you'
  11. Today was incredibly hard, so much so I'm not even sure I want to type it out. But maybe it'll help me to do so. So we started off talking a bit about a dream I'd had about feelings relating to being bullied when I was young. Then we started talking about the police and the r*pe and how they had said they weren't taking it forward because though there were signs of rape, there were also signs of consenual sex (I believe they were refering to when I organismed and I pushed his head). But then my T asked me 'Do you still think it wasn't consentual?' I answered that I didn't think it was. B
  12. Today was kind of a slow session, but strangely it made me really tired, so I was really glad I only had 45 minutes to work this afternoon. We talked about a few things, about the guy who assaulted me on the tube when I was 16, that my mum basically didn't want to know when I tried telling her about it. We talked about my mum quite a lot actually, how she treated me and my sister differently, and whether she ever felt guilty for leaving us in the care of the uncle who abused us (though I don't remember the abuse as I was too young) - I say feel guilty because she already knew what he was lik
  13. Hmm, today's the anniversary of the London bombings. Random thought that just popped into my head. At T today we talked about the shame I felt. This goes round and round in my head and I can't seem to shift it. I guess as my T said there's little point to it - it won't change anything, I can't go over and undo any of it. And it's not like he feels shame. So I feel shame because, well first I want to be clear that I had told him that I didn't want to have sex with him, and this was followed by oral rape. It had been a really long night up til this point and I was very sore in my privates
  14. Today at T I was really sad about the stuff with my dad. It's hard to think about it sometimes. I find myself shutting down emotionally, going numb. But today I was crying. It's been a long time since I've cried. I'm so restricted/inhibited now. I keep everything in check. My dad didn't physically touch me - he just did stuff in front of me. But this is enough to have had a massive effect on me. It's made me think of men as disgusting vile creatures, and of very needy weak people that are dependent on you. It's made me not trust men - well this and also my dad was really physically a
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