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Today we talked about loads.  First of all I asked her about her question last week re whether in my heart of hearts I really thought it wasn't concentual, because I was confused about why she'd asked the question and what her thoughts about the events were.  But she said that she'd felt I was very much allowing other people's judgements to affect my views last week, and she just wanted me to get back to what I knew to be true.  She did ask me why it was important that she believes me, and I couldn't quite find my words to be able to say that it simply is important to be believed, so when you've got such a trusting bond as a client - T relationship, it's going to be important.  We talked a bit more about my confusion over the vaginal r*pe with orgasming and I was saying how I see the oral r*pe in quite a black and white sort of way because I had only just told him that I didn't want to have sex with him.  But for the vaginal, because I orgasmed, could he have conceivably believed that I did and is that either?  She said it wasn't though, that an absense of no is not a yes, and I'd already said I didn't want to have sex and hadn't told him any different.  And it was down to him to get confirmation.  I guess it's reassuring, but it does leave me with the unpalletable truth that it was r*pe.  We then talked about my parents again and their very Jenkyl and Hyde natures.  How I didn't tell them at the time because I didn't feel they would care (and to protect the family business - my family wouldn't of forgiven me if this had suffered), but at the same time I didn't totally believe that or want to at least.  I did tell my dad a couple of years ago, and this brought up a lot of emotion for me when I was talking about this, because actually he had cared - he'd been really angry for me and I'd told him about the names the r*pist made me repeat, and he used to be in the police, and he wanted me to give him the names to pass on to colleagues to run through police checks (but I can't remember them so).  Talking about this made me cry as it was like seeing a side of my dad that I hadn't seen since I was a young child - the reliable dependable secure police officer.  He's been so ill and so angry for so many years.  The remainder of the session was really just a feeling of sadness around my childhood with my parents and reflection on how things could have been so different if they'd been able to be there and not abusive.  I've got a gap from T now of 4 weeks.  It's going to be tough!  But at least I'm away for 2 of the Friday's as well as my T, so that should make it go a bit quicker.

Edited by forestmistheather


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