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22/09/2023


forestmistheather

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At T today we started by talking about Uni.  My head was/is really only focussed on that because I start next week, and a number of things have thrown it somewhat in to disarray.  One of the things is that it seems that most of my lectures are at the hospital, not the university itself. And I require transport supplied by DSA (the government) which a needs assessor has to do a quote for and apply for.  So I needed to knoow well in advance that I was going to be at the hospital, not the university.  I have contacted the needs assessor and she's doing another quote, but it won't be done in time.  That will also mean that I won't be able to work for the first few weeks while I sort this out because I won't get home in time using the bus.  And I've no idea how that's going to go down at work.  Then there's the fact that my work want to meet once a week.  The plan was that I'd maybe go sit in the library in one of the pods / side rooms they have there and do an MS Teams call with them.  But that's gone out the window now because the library is at the university, not the hospital.  And although the hospital has a very small library, it's a traditional one that you cannot talk in, not one for students with side rooms etc...  So I'm Uber stressed right now!  I'm really hoping my boss is going to be understanding and will settle for a phone call.  But I can't ask her for a week as she's on holiday.

We then we starting talking about the r*pe and about when he fingered me anally.  That wasn't something I'd mentioned before.  It's something that I can't really place a time on when it happened / don't really know when it happened in terms of sequence of events.  I remember it being painful.  It was like my sides were splitting.  I remember him asking if I liked it, and I said no.  Then him carrying on, And then I said 'NO' ver loudly and firmly, and he took his finger out, put it to his lips and shh'ed me.  After that I pass out, so don't know what happens.  My T asked me if I saw that image of myself as myself or as someone else and I said someone else.  It's like looking at photographs or movies.  You're an imposter in your own life.  She then asked me what it is I'd say to that version of myself in that moment.  I eventually said 'that it's not your fault'.  And she asked what would I say to that version of me when she says she feels shame.  And I said that it's for him to feel.  She asked me what it is that version of myself what say to this version of me and I said that they would probably say the same things.  So then she asked why is it then that this version of me can't say those things to this version of me?  And I honestly don't know.  I think society has a lot to do with it.  But I basically spent the rest of the sessioin trying to reconsile those 2 versions of myself, and not really getting very far. 

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