behindthesehazeleyes

I can for sure relate to this struggle. I don’t really have any answers either, as my thinking is in many ways the same I think. Sitting with you if that’s ok.

Wanted to say that I'm here for you. I understand this so much and plan to pm you soon if thats ok? I'm not much help to others at the moment as my depression is keeping me on quite the ride right now, but I'm here for you and can definitely relate.

I just wanted to say I read this and you are so right. You are not defective. Your feelings matter. You matter and you definitely deserve love and protection. Sending safe hugs.

I wanted you to know I partially read and that I’m here for you. L

HI, welcome to the forum!

I agree....I hate that you are in pain. I don’t know you, but I know that kind of pain and understand what it’s like. I’m sorry. I really like that band...and for what it’s worth, you are a pretty good artist, I mean, I couldn’t draw that well, especially without the ability to erase something. hope this finds you feeling a bit better.

So...this is my first post. It won’t be long...I have come back to this forum because of something that triggered me a few days ago...just watching a tv show. I was desperate to not act out on urges to self injure because of it. My brain likes to bring up those thoughts as a soothing thing I think, after so long not self harming, my brain tries to soothe me in the only way it knows how. I love being back here, despite the really hard stuff...I have such a hard time making friends, and this stupid quarantine, due to personal health issues, has had me stuck inside the house with my parents (God love em) for 3 months. There are good things about these changes but also negative things. It isn’t that great for my depression, but with my mom home...at least til she has to go back to work Monday...we’ve been pretty productive (or at least productive for us) around the house.Being back on the site has its downfalls....I am remembering things I had repressed. Making me dissociate at times. Dissociation doesn’t really affect the SH urges as much as it does mess with my head and make it hard to focus and make my depression worse. Have been sleeping for 12 hrs the past few days. Last night only 5. I think all the sleep is depression related, was thinking it may just being tired from my body getting ready for my period or something....but now I’m wondering if it’s just the memories messing with me, making me exhausted, or more depressed. I know I am anxious, which makes eating less easier...and my whole family dieting or trying to change eating habits the past 3 months hasn’t helped. I am secretly glad the anxiety has me losing weight. It’s just falling off of my dad and he keeps gloating about it. I’m happy for him, but inside I am jealous and want to “beat” him at it... But that’s also part of the reason the site exists, right? ...to face the fear. To talk about it. Get it out in a healthy way. Not feel so alone....I need all of those things right now. Gotta Start Somewhere... L

I have drawn some things while dissociated that I don’t even remember drawing parts of...so it makes sense to not know what you meant by it. Wanted you to know I’m here and sitting with you if that’s ok

I wanted to say thank you for sharing this too. Hugs if that’s ok.

For sure. Thank you!

Hello all, You can call me L. I am back. I actually forgot that I was a member until I started looking for support and forums again. I am a pretty solitary introvert but honestly, I need more friends, especially ones I have things in common with. Not glad in any way that we all have some form of abuse in common, but I need this place and all of you again. I need to move forward in the next path of my life, and doing what I have been doing, not talking, sitting in my silence and depression hoping it goes away, just doesn’t work. Looking for friends and just awesome people out there that I can encourage and who can encourage me. Good to be back. L

I am so sorry that they told you this. When he did those things to you, he was NOT a man of God. God does not condone that type of behavior...he punishes it. And I’m so sorry that your parents, of all people, told you that you should be ashamed. This person should be ashamed, and your parents should be ashamed for telling you that, but YOU should not be ashamed of anything. It was not your fault. You did not lead him on...heck even if you did lead him on it is still not your fault. You were a child. He was the adult, who is supposed to be responsible for people in his care and his own actions, by not hurting the people in his care. I relate to your story, and too feel ashamed for things that are not mine to feel ashamed for. You are brave and beautiful and you are not alone.

hi there silverthorn. i'm pretty new here, but the support i've found in just a few days has been so welcoming and accepting. it's understandably a very confusing time for you but know that many of us have been through the nerves of speaking out and looking for someone who understands what we're going through, even when we don't understand it ourselves. you aren't alone. welcome! xx