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About this blog

This is where I'll be expressing all my thoughts and basically anything that fits below my life, what's in my mind, and/or any dreams and nightmares I have.  It'll contian TRIGGERS, please be aware.  I'll be writing paragraphs, short (real) stories, and poems.  I love writing poems; you'll be seeing a lot of them. 

Entries in this blog

Pain

Worst Two Years

When I was 12 years old, my memories came back to me.  However, for some reason, I stayed silent and didn't tell anybody.  I was suddenly changing from how I looked to how I acted and what I thought.  I didn't know who I was.  I didn't know why I had the memories I did.  I didn't even know if they were real, but then I thought, "Well, why are they suddenly in my head?"  I suffered for two years, greatly, consistantly getting in trouble and absolutely screwing up everything.  Anything I said was
Celia

Celia in Pain

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Pain

Some Truth?

I'm back on this site, But have no words to say. I've been stuck in silence, And wanna go away.   But I can't go away, I must stay for the days. The good and the bad, The ugly, wait, I take it back.   Things were silent, Yes, talking about the abuse case. Things were put on hold, And close for more than a "few days."   Months later, Here I stand. With my memories triggering, Oh, and my friend?   S
Celia

Celia in Pain

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Pain

Backstabber

What you talkin about Yea, you better shut your mouth I got dynamite, don't speak out Keep those damn words to yourself   I'm not interested in your lies In your jacket or about your life In your words that you share so shy Fuck that, you're fucking sly   Fucking backstabber, go cry I don't give a shit about your eye Trip down the stairs, two times Then to come to me and whine   I'm no longer your petty "wife" I don'
Celia

Celia in Pain

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Pain

Force of Society

Not gonna lie I'm stuck in a drought Stuck in the road Stuck in the clouds   I don't wanna hide But that's how I pout Locked in my room Cry my eyes out   Hide from the world That's how I'm down Don't tell me to stop That's how I drown   Don't tell me to speak That's how I freak Caught in my thought Anxiety eating me Making me die You caught my lie But making me cry All day long 'n night
Celia

Celia in Pain

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Pain

Awful & Triggering Nightmare

Hello.  How are you?  It's been a while, I know.  In some ways, that's a good thing though, right?  It means I haven't had any bad thoughts or sexual ones, to be specific.  And by thoughts, I mean being triggered and depressed in my room.  Although, I'm not home right now, I'm in WI.  My home is in NC.  Quite a bit away, but I'll be going home tomorrow.  So, it's okay.  I'm just chilling with family here in WI, nothing bad.             Well, there has been some bad things.  I keep having ni
Celia

Celia in Pain

7
Accepting

Who Am I?

How am I supposed to be myself? When everyday I'm told to be like someone else. Always criticized and daily insulted Just for being who I am inside, that's it.   I am my own enemy, Always listening to everyone and everything. Wanting to be perfect, Or at least accepted for myself. But I'm talked to like I should be someone else.   Although, all the inspiring speeches told, They say you're perfect inside and out. They say to be your
Celia

Celia in Accepting

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Pain

God

They say God is real They say he is alive But really floating above Saying everything is alright   Saying that he has a plan  For each and one of us Saying he is the protector  And the father to all of us   But let me ask a question Like… where has he been Wasn't here during past years  Or even when I was a kid   Left me alone Even though he knew He knew the truth of everything Yet gave no one a single clue
Celia

Celia in Pain

4
Family

Sacrifice for Family

All this pain, Inside my head. I'm nearing an end, I might end up dead.   I have an idea, That'll cost my life. But it's worth it for family, I must do the fight.   The fucking bastard, Yea, the sexual abuser. I'm done with everything, No one doing nothing.   I'm gonna fight, And by that, let's see. I know how to use a gun, I know where he sleeps.   I'm gonna show up, Make sure he's awake.
Celia

Celia in Family

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Pain

Society/People

Been hurt so much, Been lied to in the face. Bullied all around, Pushed all over the place    Met many people in person, Seems most of them are fake. How come I get the bad people? How come I get hurt by the stake?   Society is bad, So is the people. It's to the point, I've given up on visuals.   When my family says, "Make some friends!" I ask myself, "What will it take?"   I have some real friend
Celia

Celia in Pain

3
Pain

Anger and Pain

Where do I even start..... 😔😔   All these memories,  Inside my head. It makes me mad, Makes me wanna be dead.   I don't know what to say, So, I cry myself away. Hopefully it's enough, To drown my mind for the day.   All this anger, All this pain. I wanna make it stop, Everything is so gray.   No light, no sound, It's a dark place here. Where's myself? I can't see clear.   I'm slipping aw
Celia

Celia in Pain

5
Friend

Lost Another Friend

I lost another friend, Here I go again. Guess what, it isn't new, I blame myself again.   I'm at fault for the disaster, I'm at fault for losing my friend. He was like a brother to me, But admittedly, a jerk.. something.   He would be nice to me, Treat me like his sister. But sometimes then he jokes around, Acts inappropriate and acts sinister.   But everytime I'd confront, He'd laugh and tell me to chill. He'd
Celia

Celia in Friend

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Pain

Not Understood

I'll be plain and honest, I'm not very strong. Everytime I stand up,  I always fall down.   I'll be plain and honest, Everytime I try, I fail. When they say, "get up," They also say, "it's not a big deal."   I'll be plain and honest, About every word I've heard. "Strong," "smart," "beautiful," It's just a lie in my mind.   I'll be plain and honest, With all the lies aside. Last few months,  I've been thinki
Celia

Celia in Pain

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Friend

Regret...

People keep telling me that I was in the right to report something (they know what it is).  Some of them say that I did what was best for my friend.  While the others say that my choices were these: A) I report and she's angry and everything is ruined or B) I don't report it and she commits suicide. Not long after I reported everything and she found out, she said that she never would have committed suicide.  She said she was afraid of death.   Although, all those times she talked to me
Celia

Celia in Friend

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Pain

Amazing... then triggering.

Been a while... I've recently recalled something that I find nagging at me constantly.  How can something you love SO much, suddenly be something you hate and despise the most?  It's very irritating. *Possible Trigger* Well, one day, I had to go to a hotel and while there, I made a phone call to the abuser.  Such a wise choice, huh?  The social worker and my therapist were SO hesitant about me doing it, but the detective said it might help.  Maybe the abuser will confess, right? 
Celia

Celia in Pain

2
Pain

Naive

Friends, family, Maybe a bf for me. Anyone I like or am close to, I'm naive and can't breathe.    When they ask me to do something, I do it without thought.  Whatever makes them happy, Is all that really counts.   Pic, or a selfie, Maybe audio or a snap. Everytime I try to say no, To them, it's a bunch of crap.   They say they aren't unhappy, When I say no to them. Yet, the look on their face, Shows their p
Celia

Celia in Pain

0
Pain

Bloodline

Fucking pissed, Losing my mind. I'm definitely gonna cut, It's happening tonight.   Gonna cut and bleed, Just as I cry. Tearline, bloodline, Watch it all drip away.   Feel the pain, Feel the burn. This is real, And it hurts.   I don't care, Cut away. The pain is bad, Drives me to cut deeper.   No regret, I'm fucking done. Cut so deep, I can't remember.   Is there a vein?
Celia

Celia in Pain

2
Friend

It's official

It's official, She's gone away. Blocked my account, Can't see my name.   She left the doc, Both of them. Can't see her pic, Cause she's gone for good.   Lost all her friends, She blocked them too. Even my close friend, Now she's fucking confused.   Texting me like crazy, I'm going out of my mind. Blaming me for what happened, But said she's on my side?   Said it's alright, She said it's all f
Celia

Celia in Friend

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Pain

Constant reminder

This one isn't a poem today, unfortunately.  I think it'd make things easier for me if it was, heh.  Although, today, I'm just going to talk about something.  More of a "someone."  This "someone" is my mother's bf.  I'll say, "Mark."  Now, technically, I wouldn't consider Mark much of my mom's bf.  More of less, six years ago when I was 12 years old, my family needed to move out immediately and so she found Mark online who was looking for a roommate.  Well, he came with a few cons.  More like, a
Celia

Celia in Pain

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Pain

Pain tonight

My head,  The pain.    My chest, The strain.   My eyes, The game.   My thoughts, The drain.    There, What's that sound?   Here, I wanna drown.   Thoughts, Just wanna play.   Games, Gonna stay.   Memories, Through the day.   Punishment, You must pay.    Words, They're gonna say.   Things,  Once made.   Sounds, Not
Celia

Celia in Pain

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Friend

My dear friend

The picture above,  Is made from someone I know. She was an artist and a singer, She had a very special glow.   Me not cutting for a long time, Was all thanks to her. She helped me through so much, And I promised to be with her forever.   I swore to be by her side, I swore it'll all be alright. Look at the disappointment that lies, I'm the cause of all those ties.   Now she's gone, My dearest friend. Was a siste
Celia

Celia in Friend

0
Accepting

Hard to accept

I've done some things, Hard to explain. All the complications, All the frustrations.     I was in the right, I did the right thing.   But my head is stubborn, Not very accepting.    Now all the confusion, My head is hurting.   I want to cut and cry, But I can't do any harming.    I'm stuck on these words, Of all the people around me. Different opinions, I don't know what to think now.   Getting me
Celia

Celia in Accepting

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