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Not Understood


Celia

114 views

I'll be plain and honest,

I'm not very strong.

Everytime I stand up, 

I always fall down.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

Everytime I try, I fail.

When they say, "get up,"

They also say, "it's not a big deal."

 

I'll be plain and honest,

About every word I've heard.

"Strong," "smart," "beautiful,"

It's just a lie in my mind.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

With all the lies aside.

Last few months, 

I've been thinking about suicide.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

13 plans in mind.

My friend freaked out,

But I don't know why.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

This is where I don't hide.

All my words and thoughts,

They're the truth from behind my eyes.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

Like about this morning.

Couldn't get enough,

Cut my thigh, watched it bleed.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

I could talk here.

I could talk to a friend,

But I've given up by fear.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

I'm done and I quit.

I know I sound like a little kid,

But I'm sick of this.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

For all the times,

Like when I'm alone or it's night,

I think about ways to die.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

I'm ashamed and I hate myself.

I don't see a future,

Despite my friends and family.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

They I'm a "drama queen."

Yes, sometimes, admiteddly, although..

They won't say that when I'm gone by the next night.

 

I'll be plain and honest...

I'm losing the fight.

I'm not very strong, 

I'm not brave,

And I'm so close in leaving,

Without saying "goodbye."

 

I'll be plain and honest,

Five days ago..

I wrote a "goodbye" letter,

And sent it out to three people. 

To my family and others,

I didn't have the gut.

I just hoped they'd think it was an accident,

Nothing more, nothing else.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

I started a job on Thursday.

I worked Thursday and Friday,

9am-2pm.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

About when I go to work on Monday.

I'll be walking in, quitting,

And leaving at the same time.

 

I'll be plain and honest,

I've had therapy.

I've completed "treatment,"

But that doesn't mean I'm alright.

It doesn't mean I've healed,

Or won the fight.

It doesn't mean I've coped,

And bounced back from the abuse nights.

It doesn't mean the world is fixed,

And all I see is glitter and unicorns.

It means I was able to temporarily change my perspective,

And believe, that the abuse wasn't my fault.

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