Been a while... I've recently recalled something that I find nagging at me constantly.
How can something you love SO much, suddenly be something you hate and despise the most? It's very irritating.
Well, one day, I had to go to a hotel and while there, I made a phone call to the abuser. Such a wise choice, huh? The social worker and my therapist were SO hesitant about me doing it, but the detective said it might help. Maybe the abuser will confess, right? We all hope for that, I'm sure.
I won't get into everything, as it's pretty traumatizing, but that's my point here. Before the call, the detective and another detective, my favorite one, came over to supervise, guide me, and record (have proof of) the call.
During my time of freaking out before the call, nearly breaking down into tears, and having so many thoughts in my head, "will he confess? Will he admit to everything? Will he threaten me to shut up? Will he hurt my family now that I remember everything? What's going to happen?!" and more, I was coloring in a coloring book. It's one of those inspirational coloring books you'll see that are for adults to do to calm down. It was soothing for me, very soothing and "somewhat" calming.
Due to me coloring directly before and after the call (to hide my tears afterwards - didn't last long) I now absolutely hate coloring. Coloring anything, for that matter. I can't color a coloring sheet, book, or page. I can't print out something that I really like and color it. Why? Cause everytime I'm about to color something or someone asks me if I want to color, I freak out. I start remembering everything about the call, I remember the words that the abuser said, and the number of times he apologized, but not for the right thing... "I'm sorry you have this awful memory." "I'm sorry that someone did this to you and are mistaking it as me." It still pisses me off to this day. And his voice, omg. So many times now, I hear him talking or someone else having the same voice as him, and I just want to cry.
Anyway, another thing. I went swimming at the pool that was at the hotel (outside). Guess what I won't be doing again? Swimming in a pool, whether it's at a friend's house, at a hotel, a community park, a park, water park, no... I will NOT go into a pool. Ever since the hotel, I have not stepped a foot into a pool and probably never will. The entire time while I was in the pool, I was telling mom everything the abuser said as she kept asking questions. I'll be honest, I just wanted to drown then.
I don't know what more to say, I'm having flashbacks now.