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Everything posted by Capulet

  1. Hello!

    Hello Jo, Thank you for telling us a little bit about yourself! You sound like an amazing person and I look forward to getting to know you. Secondly, welcome to AfterSilence. I am so sorry to hear of the circumstances that have brought you here but I do hope that being here brings you some peace and comfort. You are not alone. You are among friends and many here are in the same boat as you so I am fairly certain you will find this to be an extremely supportive haven. Best wishes, Capulet
  2. @snmls, I am happy to report a lot of meltage today...looks like warmer days are coming! Yay! Spring for the win!
  3. Seriously, Elsa? After dumping a foot of snow and sending trees crashing down onto our power and cable lines two weeks ago, you're SERIOUSLY about to send us more of the powdery, annoying, pain-in-the-ass white shit we call 'snow?' Guess what??? It's SPRING. Today is the FIRST DAY OF SPRING. It is time for you, Mother Nature, to warm up to the idea of sunny and pleasant days. Pun fully intended, as I'm sitting here in a hoodie and sweat pants. Kids have missed enough school in a single winter up here than they ever did during snowstorms in New York City. The NYC mayor didn't give a shit, we'd get a foot of snow the night before and school would still be open. But now, because you're cranky, Mother Nature, there's an extra week tacked on at the end of this school year because of the shit you pulled during Winter Storm Riley. Shit that we're JUST now getting over, just in time for you to get your second wind. Enough is enough! I just went shopping too, so if you decide to render us all powerless for another several days, kindly throw a tree on the wasband's power lines instead of mine. He has a generator. He can deal with it. Chill out! (And by that, you can assume I DON'T mean send us more freakin' wintery conditions!) - Capulet
  4. Hi I’m new, ramble, and friendless

    Hello, @Heymehey, welcome to AS! You are among friends here, I hope being here brings you comfort as you heal from the trauma that has brought you here. Best wishes. Capulet
  5. Hello, friends! Sending my usual apologies for not having updated in a while. For the first time in several days, I can sincerely say we’re thawed out. The new boiler is working nicely - we now have heat and hot water in addition to the restoring of our electricity and internet. The kids went back to school this week; a lot of families in the area didn’t have power for the entire week last week following the winter storm, so the school district had some mercy on us all and closed the schools for the entire week while electric, oil, propane, cable companies all worked hard to get us all back up and running. Of course, my bank account is going to be quite sad for a while, now that we have to come up with a way of funding the new boiler, which is now on Oompa’s credit card. I may have to consider selling my eggs. I make cute kids. Anyway, amidst all this there was the usual wasband drama. We never seem to go without. We’ve gotten to the point where his name is mentioned and all eyes begin rolling. Mine, J’s and depending on how they feel about him, the kids’. I cannot express to you all enough how much misery this man puts me through. Even now, when I’m not married to him anymore and he now has a wife (his third) that he can annoy on a daily basis. He has a new wife that he can order around, a woman who once was tough but now has succumbed to his endless manipulation. No, I don’t feel bad for her, but at the same time, I do understand it all because the emotional abuse didn’t stop once the divorce papers were signed. Because we share two children in common (and that’s about all we share that matters) he still seizes any and all opportunities to remind me that he is right, he knows best, he’s never wrong, and I am one hundred percent wrong, every single time. Of course, that’s what he says initially, but after the volcano that is the wasband erupts, he cools down and somehow remembers how to talk rationally. Even then, he wastes no effort in proving why he was right in the first place. All I end up doing is nodding my head, because really, what the fuck is the point? Nothing I say is going to be right and I don’t have the energy to argue. I’m sick of seeing his pissed off face, the look of disgust when I talk to him or even try to tell him how I feel about something, the 'whatevers’ when I know I’m right and he does, too, and he just doesn’t want to give me an iota of credit. I’m so tired, guys. I’m REALLY tired. Know though, that the wasband came from a broken, abusive home and he’s been on his own since he was a teenager. Add to that he’s ex-military. By now, he’s alienated his entire family, and I do have to say that most of it was for justified reasons, but at the same time, it has destroyed him as a person. He has only the concept of his own family, everyone else’s family is irrelevant to him. I know he’s capable of being a good person when he wants to, but his need to control everything and everybody around him overshadows his finer qualities, as few of them as there are. And now, he’s managed to brainwash our children into agreeing with everything he says because they’re afraid of what he’ll say to them if they don’t. There’s so much I want to say to him, so much I want to scream at him, but I don’t because, what’s the point? He’ll come back at me with the usual belittling bullshit he’s mastered in the nearly 20 years I know him. He is truly an ugly, UGLY man, and right now I want to punch him in the face. All I can do at the moment is hope for another stent collapse in the near future because REALLY, there is nothing at all short of his passing that will free us from this man’s influence. And then there’s the subsequent feeling of guilt for having admitted that much because that’s just plain horrible of me to say. Let’s get this straight, I’ll never hate him. As much as his behavior is tedious, tiresome and unreasonable, he IS still the father of my children and he provides. And so, I often have to force myself to soothe their ruffled feathers every now and then but I’m running out of ways to do that. He doesn’t defend me to them, I’m sure. Whenever they have an issue with me, for whatever reason, they bring it to him and of course, I get lectured about it and reminded of why I’m wrong. He actually had the balls to tell me that they were losing respect for me, when ironically, their complaints about HIM have escalated in recent months. However, when they come to me with problems they have with him, we listen and shake our heads, but we certainly don’t go running back to him. We don’t get that luxury. He’d just tell us we’re wrong, so again, what’s the point? God, I absolutely hate how he is. I hate how he intimidates everyone around him, including our children. Right now my daughter is grounded from all of her electronics, TV and social media because he feels she intentionally harmed her little sister when they were roughhousing. My daughter claims and insists she didn’t mean for the little one to get hurt, but he flat-out accused her. And so, I tried not to laugh when my daughter gave my phone the finger when she saw her father’s number pop up. I spoke with the wasband over FaceTime and told him that I truly didn’t believe it was our daughter’s intent to hurt her sister, and he immediately started yelling at me and saying that by saying that, I was enabling her behavior. And so I nodded. Said, “okay.” Said nothing more for the duration of the conversation. I don’t think I heard much more of what he had to say after accusing me of enabling her bad behavior. I saw just his face get all ugly, his sneering, his lip curls. And so, like a robot, whenever he said ‘am I right?’ I would just nod. Because I’m not in the mood to carry on this conversation forever because that’s about as long as it would take for him to see anything in the same perspective as me. You see, my own brain was going a mile a minute. I know she has been acting out more than usual recently. She HAS had an attitude lately, she HAS been defiant, she HAS been different since we moved here. She’s also 11 years old, 12 in a few months. She’s expressed how much she hates it here, she’s said she misses her friends, she’s unhappy with the way she’s being treated in school. Not to mention, if she’s anything like me, her first period is likely on the horizon somewhere and she’s hormonal. I brought up all of these points to him, not only to defend her but because I truly believe that’s why she’s behaving in the manner she is. But basically, I was told to shut up and that I was allowing her to behave negatively and making excuses for her. Thank GOD I have this place to vent, because I’m beginning to reach my boiling point with him and his bullshit. He’s not only causing problems within his own relationship with our kids, but he’s also the cause of a lot of family drama and almost every issue I have with my family has to do with him in SOME way. I’m reminded of the letters my T in the past had told me to write to my abusers but never to send. He certainly qualifies as one. Last week’s events have made me think so much of what I’d want to say to him but because I’m still, to a point, afraid of what he’ll do or say in retaliation (For example, would he further brainwash my kids? Turn them against me? Fight me for custody? Make my life difficult in any and every way imaginable because he has acquired enough control over me and groomed me whilst married to him?) and so I don’t say these things. I’m quiet. I agree with him even when I truly don’t. Then when we get home, I’m pacing the floor hollering about what a jerk he is and trying to convince myself not to give a shit because I know it’s not worth pressing whatever issue it is - because I will never win. So, I’ll just say it here. I’d love to say to him - Knock it off, asshole! I’m sick and tired of being a puppet, I’m not your wife anymore, I’m nothing to you other than the mother of your children. You don’t treat ANY of your children’s mothers with the respect they deserve, not only for bearing your children but also for putting up with you and your fucking mind games for however long they did. If anything, we should be nominated for sainthood because YOU are not an easy man to be with, yet we tried our best to love you, to please you. Apparently we all failed at that, because pleasing you often means we have to sacrifice our own personal happiness because all you truly think about is your own damn self. Contrary to what you believe, you’re NOT the stand-up guy you THINK others see you as, no one will admit it to you because you’ve made everyone so afraid of you and rather than allow you to belittle them and make them feel an inch tall, the safer route is just to go along with whatever you say. But here’s the truth. No one can stand you. Everyone I’ve met has expressed a complaint about you that I’ve kept to myself out of respect for YOU. I’ve defended you for the sake of keeping the peace and in return, you continue to treat me like shit. You treat your kids like shit. You treat your current wife like shit, and like I was, she’s stuck because you’ve also alienated her family. You, sir, are going to die a miserable fucking old man with no one (except your children maybe, and that’s only because they have unconditional love for their father) to miss your militant, domineering ass. And when your kids finally give up on you and decide they’re sick of your shit, too, do NOT look to me for help because you’re on your fucking own, buddy. Just like whenever I need help with one of them, I’m on my own and then you proceed to ADD to the fucking problem rather than offer up a solution as a co-parent should. Yes, you provide, and yes, our children have clothes, food, anything they could ever want, but we need more than that. We need compassion that you’re not capable of showing, we need warmth that you’re void of as well, and we need compromise, whereas with you there is absolutely fucking NONE. I’m SICK of pretending to like you for the sake of our kids’ sanity, when in all honesty, I hate more things about you than I ever loved. In fact, I don’t understand myself for having ever married your ass. I’ll say it was temporary insanity when others ask me what the fuck I ever saw in you, but you know, when I ask myself the same question, I’m not even sure anymore. I truly believe you came along at a vulnerable point in my life and it was a time I was VERY easily manipulated and you saw an opportunity and charmed me into leaving home, moving in with you, raising your children. I THOUGHT I loved you because you, being the master of deception you are, convinced me that you would protect me, you would support me, you actually said you loved me quite a bit back then, and I responded in kind. But, truthfully, I think I was only in love with the idea of the stability you promised we’d have but we never really reached that point. We had money problems, we fought constantly, and of course, you won every single fucking argument because you would verbally batter me down to a pulp, as you continued to do even after our divorce. Thank you for that, by the way. Best fucking thing you could have ever given me aside from our perfect son and daughter. We always had chaos, I did most of the caring for the kids with little to no thanks from you verbal or otherwise. There was ONLY criticism because nothing I did ever measured up. Or it wasn’t done the way you wanted it done. Or if I were to argue with anything you said, I’d be in for a fight that lasted all week and it’d be a quarrel that I emotionally couldn’t and wouldn’t sustain, so rather than argue, I went along with every damn thing you said, even if I didn’t agree. And like a fucking asshole, I still do it, because you’ve trained me well. But I was truly MISERABLE, you asshole, and even if you did notice it, you did and said nothing about it. You’re a horrible husband…you tormented your first wife, you were horrible to me, you are currently an ogre to your wife. You're quick to call other people 'pieces of shit,' but lemme ask you, what the hell do you see when you look in the mirror??? It BAFFLES me that you don’t see what just about EVERYONE else does. But, you know, you’ll find that out when you close your eyes for the last time, most likely alone. I believe that in that moment before death, your life flashes before your eyes and I hope you finally understand the wrath you impose on the people closest to you. And I hope to hell you regret it. I hope you truly understand what people who have crossed paths with in life see when they see you. And guess what, you piece of shit? It’s going to be way too late to go back and make amends, to right all of your wrongs. You’re already nearing the point of no return with your own KIDS, how much more of your crap do you think they’re going to take?? Your way is not always the best way, and you NEED to learn to let things be, everyone would be so much happier. And hell, maybe you’ll fucking LIVE longer, too. All of the stress you claim you have (and probably blame everyone else for) is mostly brought on by your own damn self. So…wake the fuck up! Aaaaaah. To you guys, I say thanks again for hearing me rant. I’m sure there’s more that I’d love to say, no…SCREAM in his face, but this will have to do for now, as my own little inner volcano is now empty. I feel cleansed a little, maybe my former T was onto SOMETHING. And believe me, she wasn't right about everything. Going to try to turn in for now. Tomorrow (or rather, today) is a new day. Going to envision his face on my pillow and beat it up a little bit for good measure. - Capulet
  6. New to the site

    Hello, Ashley, welcome to AS! You are not alone here; we all understand the day-to-day struggles and we will support you through yours. I hope being here brings you comfort! Best wishes, Capulet
  7. Snowmageddon!

    Thanks, Free! By the way, the son calls internet in this general area, "pure crap." Unless people's personal wifi is working, and their modems/routers are provided electricity, there is absolutely no service. We are just fortunate that the fire house up the street has generators running at all times so in an emergency, we can walk up there and make calls. Thanks for the hugs. We're dealing. Trying to get back to normal.
  8. My deepest apologies to you all for being MIA; my being scarce were for reasons beyond my control. As some of you know, I live in Eastern Pennsylvania, and we have met our match in Mother Nature. Last Thursday, which will be one week since chaos had began to ensue, I took the daughter for her flu shot. You’d think spending three hours at the doctor’s office (waiting, waiting, and WAITING - this lady takes literally an hour on each patient!) would be a forewarning of the holy hell that was about to arrive, pure insanity by the name of Winter Storm Riley. After the doctor administered the flu shot + two other overdue immunizations, we asked her if there would be any side effects. To this, the doctor replied, “She may run a fever. But we’re likely to not have school tomorrow, anyway.” We look out the window. The freezing rain had begun. Now, this is a doctor whose office doesn’t even have the proper in-office apparatus to run strep or flu tests, so any throat cultures or flu swabs have to be done at another location, so that DOUBLES the waiting time in most cases. And she can’t even tell me what my kids have right then and there, I have to go to the lab, have the tests run, then go home and wait for them to call with results and a diagnosis. In what world is this even right???? On THAT, though, she was one hundred percent correct. The cancellation call arrived at night. The automated, monotonous message that my kids have grown to LOVE. “This is a call from the Blah, Blah, Blah, School District. Schools will be closed tomorrow, March 2nd, 2018 due to inclement weather.” Both of them high-fived each other. “AWESOME!” Yeah, those are my two scholars. Sadly, they both inherited my hatred for school, although the son does well without trying while the daughter, more like I did, has to work a little bit harder to get the higher grade. Anyway, we all sleep in on Friday morning, with the exception of J, who went to work for 7am. When she left, the snow had just been starting. Snow started early in the morning and accumulated quickly, along with some nasty winds that blew the snow around, making it pretty hard to see past a few feet ahead of us while standing at the front door. I managed to get ahold of the wasband via text and come to find out that his power had gone out around 11am. We stayed inside the whole time; none of us were brave enough to go out and attempt to shovel; I say brave, my son will still say ‘stupid.’ Because, of course, to a lazy 17-year-old, to go out and shovel and then have your hard work erased by more fallen snow, was pointless. When it was time for J to leave work, I coaxed him outside, though, to attempt to dig out a spot for her to pull into. But the whole, ENTIRE time… “Oh, man, Mom.” “Ma, look, it’s really bad.” “Look, Madre, the trees are swaying pretty hard…and I think the neighbor’s Sycamore just fell down.” “Mom, you know, we’re going to die out here.” I told him to cut out the dramatics, suck it up and shovel…he did. But he did also attempt to complain several more times before realizing that they had no effect on me. We managed to clear the “wall” plowed into the top of the driveway and we went back inside knowing we’d done the best we could. Let it be known that J leaves work at 3pm. By 4:30, she still hadn’t arrived home. She texted to say she couldn’t get through the main road that she takes to get home. There are about three or four different ways to get home. Each path she had attempted to take was riddled with downed trees and power lines, cars were pulled over on the side of the road because they were either stuck, or also trying to plan out alternate routes. She said via text that she was going to get a bite to eat at Wendy’s which was open, and then she’d try a different way after she’d had something to eat. I sat in the ‘worry chair,’ the same recliner I sat in when I let my son take the car. Yep, we all remember that chair! Then, at about 5pm, our power went out, taking with it our heat and running water. For those of you who don’t understand that last bit, our well pump is run on electricity, so when there’s a power outage, there’s absolutely no running water. Toilet-flushing is not possible unless you're a survivalist and have about a dozen gallons stored somewhere in the house, reserved for such catastrophes. And apparently, no internet, either. “Oh, my GOD!!!! My internet isn’t working!” The daughter is screeching now, likely because her bestie’s face is now frozen on her iPad’s screen. “Mommmmmyyyy! There’s no WIFI!” “Okay, we’re just going to have to wait it out, kiddo,” I’m still sitting in the worry chair. Where the hell is my better half?? I could just envision her being stuck and getting nowhere, it’s not a pretty thought at all. “You see?” the son is looking out the window, “It doesn’t even look like we shoveled.” He was kinda right. I couldn’t even see the path we’d shoveled for J. And daylight was beginning to run out, and we were soon to be welcoming darkness for an unknown period of time. I lit some candles, using whatever little light was left in the house. I also fired up the fireplace, as that’s operated on propane, in hopes of conserving the heat we had circulating around the upstairs portion of the house. The son stated he was bored out of his mind (because, really, when there’s no power, cable or internet, what is there to POSSIBLY do?) and retired to his room, stating that I should wake him up when the power comes back. The daughter too, went to her room and said she was going to TRY to sleep. At about seven, J walks in, cold, pissed off and wet. Apparently a 30-minute commute had taken her FOUR HOURS, and had she found herself unable to get home, she would have gone back to work. Thankfully, though, she made it home before having to resort to returning to her place of employment. After wifey had changed into comfy dry clothes, we went to daughter’s room to get her, then we dug out board games and a camping lantern we had lurking in the garage. We ate ice cream for dinner/food since that’s usually the first thing to go in a freezer with no power. We ate chips. Anything we could possibly eat, we ate. Many laughs were shared, especially during a game of LIFE, where J was the big winner and daughter and I retired with about a hundred grand apiece. We played another board game with the son who came upstairs around nine, in search of a snack. Got to say, he wasn't happy to see that his nap didn't fast-forward enough time where there was no power. "We don't have power yet?" "Yes, darling, we're sitting here in the dark and cold because it's fun. Should try it, sometime." We played another game called "Sliders," where we had to knock each other's pegs out of play, tally up points and be the first to reach a certain number. Then, after a couple more hours, I turned off the fireplace, we all put on hoodies and I was in my bed before midnight! J had work early, so she was snoring within minutes. Y'all know about my issue with lights - well, as my room was PITCH BLACK without a single light being on for me to cover up, I left the house phone uncovered, just in case I woke up in the middle of the night. If, at any point, I were to open my eyes and there was a little red light on, then I'd know power had returned. The little red light never appeared. I could kick myself in the ass for thinking about that too much in place of sleeping. J left for work early, while it was still dark. I got up out of bed as soon as I saw the first signs of daylight. No power. No running water. House was CHILLY. The first thing I did was go outside and begin to shovel the mess Riley left us. Both of my kids remained dead to the world. I didn't mind, this time. I needed a little ME time, I needed to think, I needed to busy myself. I, too, was suffering internet withdrawals and missing being able to connect with others. I was worrying about the food in my fridge, food that I knew I'd soon have to throw away because we were more than 12 hours without power and the fridge was no longer cold when opened. After I'd been shoveling for about an hour, I woke them both up and told them that if they came out and helped, we could attempt to get out of the house and go in search of water jugs (for the toilets, which by now STUNK to high heaven), hot food and cell service. I think it was the 'cell service' that got them to move. The son came outside and helped me shovel a path from my car to the end of the driveway. In the process, I pulled a tree branch a little thicker than a baseball bat in diameter, off the roof of my car, close to the top of the back passenger door. There is a small dent from where it landed; I suspect it flew off a nearby tree and my car was, unfortunately, in its path. It's not major damage, so we heaved the branch into a snowbank and carried on. We went to town, and my son took a number of photos of the devastation. Driving through my local town was terrifying. Traffic lights were out in most of the areas without power. Thankfully, the locals were as nervous as I and people were, for the most part, considerate and everyone was careful. A lot of "go ahead" hand waves, lots of open windows, blinking headlights to warn of upcoming road obstructions, which there were TONS of. To be on the safe side, we took the route J had used the night before to come home from work and no matter where we turned, there were downed trees, some rested atop the power lines, some lines completely down, some telephone poles only five to six feet off the ground, some debris completely blocking off a lane. Total chaos. It took me roughly an hour to get to a part of town that normally takes fifteen to twenty minutes to get to, but boy, did we get a look at all of Riley's aftermath in the process. I am going to ask my son to send me some of the pictures he took with his phone; as I was behind the wheel and slowed down in many areas, he took the opportunity to photograph some of the mess. We found a store selling water (and they were rapidly running out, too!) and I bought ten gallon jugs. Then, we went to Wendy's, which was packed. Lots of folks were without power and water, so this was the eatery of choice, being easily accessible and convenient. Took us another hour to order and eat our food. Then, we were back in the car, charging all our phones and tablets. "Shall we go home and see if the power is back?" "Sure, Mom." Sadly, our power was not back. House was getting colder and colder by the hour. My five cats were VERY confused. The poor things were huddled together, at least the ones who could stand each other. Rather than give a play-by-play of the last five days, I'll just mention the highlights, or this nightmare will NEVER end. The wasband drove an hour and a half away and bought a generator from New Jersey. By the time evening rolled around, my two kids were relocated to his house (and it was also his time with them so I wasn't gypped any of my time) where he now had limited power and running water. Of course, the wasband was also kind enough to invite J and I to go stay over there until OUR power came back, but we politely declined. Many reasons, but the two main ones were simply there is NOTHING short of chaos every time we're there, and we didn't want to leave our pets alone in a cold house without any heat source overnight. By the way, yes, we do need a generator, and as I told my godchild (wasband's youngest) the other day, it's going to be what I ask Santa Claus for, come next Christmas. That, and a snowblower. I just don't have the funds to invest in one right now. J and I relocated all of our food onto the back porch. The milk, eggs, mayo, Ranch dressing, bags of cheese, other containers with leftovers and other perishable foods, all plopped into the snow. I filled a cooler with snow and threw other stuff in there. Fortunately, my freezer contents were still hard as a rock, so I wasn't worrying about those, yet. But, in the meantime, some things were salvaged. I was also able to fire up the propane grill and make us some meals out of whatever had defrosted. We had to eat a lot of stuff cold, but it was better than letting anything go to waste. J insisted we move our queen sized mattress into the living room so that we could sleep in front of the fireplace, which is what we did until last night. You can imagine what a NIGHTMARE this was for me; the living room is VERY sunny in the morning. Oh, and trying to sleep in a room shared with five nocturnal feline companions who will use your ass as a springboard isn't easy, either. Needless to say, the first morning, I woke up as soon as the sun came up. I WAS still tired so I managed to fall asleep for several minutes at a time before I got up and got ready to go back into town, because that was going to be the only way I could connect with anybody. Still no power, no running water, no service. J and I planned at least three trips to wasband's house to borrow a shower. We ate a WHOLE lot of pizza. We ALMOST went to dinner at an actual sit-down place but the local restaurants were ALL packed - power outages for this long has left MANY people defeated and hungry. Rather than wait hours for a table at a nicer, popular restaurant, we settled for local pizzerias. Both of our diets have gone out the window, at least for now. We had bowling on Monday night. A lot of the people we bowl with live in areas nearby. Areas without power and running water. The alley certainly smelled like everyone's ass. Power went out on Friday, 3/2 at 5pm. It was finally restored on Tuesday night, 3/6 at 8:30pm. FOUR days of this crap! But that's not even the end of it. We were actually at wasband's house, (eating more pizza, taking another shower) when the neighbor texted me those three BEAUTIFUL words: "The power's on!" J and I said our thank-yous to the wasband and his wife, and we flew home. Turned on all the faucets. "Water! We have water!!!" The cats are even more confused now, because J and I are running around like headless chickens. We checked all the lights. "YES! They work!" "You go flush the toilets upstairs, I'll get the one downstairs!" I swear to Merlin, the house was starting to STINK because of those toilets! We ran into our first problem when we noticed the oil burner wasn't running and the house was beginning to . There's a button on it that you press to get the thing going again, but for some reason, it wouldn't start. It actually did once, but then turned off and refused to turn back on, which means - no heat or hot water. We did have water, just would be ice-cold until we could get the boiler running. "Well, it looks like we're sleeping in the living room, again," says J...one more night of relying on propane, but we at least had working electricity. Which is good because yesterday (Wednesday) we were planning to meet Winter Storm Quinn (the next one!) and there were some people, including the wasband, who still had no power. I had been hoping and wishing all day long that ours would be back because by now, we're DEFINITELY low on propane! He does have the generator and they are warm and comfortable for now. I was just glad that my fridge was running now, and before we had another foot of snow dumped on us, we transferred the food from the porch back into the fridge, praying that we didn't lose power again. Anyway, we ran the fireplace one more night. While the power was on, it was still SO cold in the house, particularly the lower level where there had been absolutely no heat or activity in five days. Yesterday morning, we went around the corner to the fire station, which we discovered was an ideal and close-by location to get cell service, and we made phone calls during the 'calm before the storm.' Managed to get the oil burner guy over and there is good and bad news here - the good news is, he managed to get the boiler going. The bad news - we need a new one, and SOON. The way he described it to us was - the exhaust motor was not present and the exhaust wasn't venting properly, the unit was old, for him to fix it this time was like putting a band-aid over a stab wound - we didn't know how long this 'fix' was going to last. And, so...we consulted with our bank accounts and we have an appointment to have a new boiler put in on Friday morning. Even badder news - it's going to cost us almost SIX grand to replace the whole system, because the previous owner of this house put the boiler through a BEATING. He's also the asshole who probably took the exhaust motor with him when he moved, along with the doors and floors. I mean, WHO does that?! I don't even need to ask if people are truly that indecent, because I know they certainly can be. Yesterday, we got about six to eight inches more of snow. Power stayed on, sans one 'hiccup' where lights were out for a couple of seconds and then came back on. Additionally, I lost internet and cable a couple times. Figured I would update this while it was back, not knowing if I'll experience another outage in the next few hours or days to come. I don't want to say I'm back when things are still quite unstable but I can safely say I'm 'semi' back. I'm here when I can be, I've been conserving energy whenever I can, although I don't think that stands a chance against a downed tree. Thankfully winds aren't as strong today, so maybe this Pennsylvania town can begin to recuperate. I'm hoping we can, too, I think we'll feel better once the oil burner is installed on Friday morning. So, that's the long-overdue update for now. I'll be back when I can with another! Love to all. - Capulet
  9. I spent most of yesterday pouting. See, on Tuesday, I spent most of the day out...went to visit my brand-new niece, along with my slightly older baby niece and my nephew for a little while when he got home from school. Of course, Oompa was there as well as my brother-in-law, as the new Daddy is enjoying some paternity leave while they are adjusting to being a family of four. Anyway, we're currently a dieting family - Oompa of course, is dieting in order to talk herself out of having bariatric surgery, my youngest sister (#2) had her baby four months ago and is now on the bandwagon trying to shed the baby weight, then there's my brother-in-law who is very involved with the Spartan Races and with getting fit, he's lost over 40 pounds in the last year and a half. My sister who just gave birth (#1) is still breast-feeding so she isn't counting calories just yet, but my brother-in-law has been preparing all of their meals over there and he only cooks healthy foods. We had a Weight Watcher friendly lunch...some of my bird-ball soup (chicken meatballs and vegs) and #2 brought some chicken patties that were pretty good, Oompa brought the Sandwich Thins. We ate lunch, then we went on a 1.5 mile (round trip) walk to Dunkin' Donuts and got some low-point beverages. (I'll mention here that having an iced coffee with Almond Milk in place of the heavy cream is just NOT as pleasing...couldn't finish mine, didn't taste 'right.') So, all in all, it was a nice day. Then, on the way back, J and I had plans to find a pizza place and have dinner there, being that pizza is a food we can't really do a whole lot of damage to our diets with. J, by the way, has lost over ten pounds as well! So, we find a pizza joint about halfway home, go in, and order a pie. It was about 7:30 when we finished and continued on our way home. Pretty late, considering when we're dieting, we try not to eat anything heavy after 7-ish, especially the night before a weigh-in. Yesterday morning, I got on the scale. I screamed when it said I was UP .2 rather than having lost anything. Since last week. In hindsight, I don't recommend kicking the scale across the floor, especially when it's made of heavy-duty glass. ESPECIALLY when you're barefoot. Yes, that's what I did. And there might have been a few obscenities thrown in there, too. Okay, fine....MORE than a few. But, oh, man, I was PISSED. "Don't worry about that," Oompa was telling me through texts, "It's probably because you ate late in the evening. The check is in the mail." (Yes, she says that ALL the time. Ever since it was said to her by her Weight Watchers leader, it's been gospel to her.) "Whatever," I told her, "I'm frustrated and I'm bored." (The 'bored' part stems from not having too much of a variety, but I'm working on that, currently.) So, yep. I was in a shitty mood for the entirety of yesterday. I was snappy, I was cranky, there were a lot of clanging noises coming from the kitchen of Capulet last night. J avoided me, the kids avoided me. The kids aren't usually around, though, they're at the ages where they are in their rooms 95% of the time when they're not eating or using the bathroom. But I also did one other thing that I don't really recommend as something that should be done more than once a week, but the idea came to me whilst I was feverishly pondering what happened, what did I do wrong this week? What happened? It dawned on me that I'd not had a decent bowel movement in DAYS. At the risk of sounding gross and anything less than human, I decided that was the problem, along with having eaten late the night before. So, I found a laxative in the medicine cabinet and took two. This was in the afternoon sometime, and by the time we'd finished dinner, my stomach was rumbling. Many visits to the bathroom ensued, and I'd have to say my suspicions of the need of a good colon-cleanse were confirmed. I'll not say anything more about that, like I said - it's gross, no one comes here to read about what comes out of my ass. So, this morning - took my shower, washed my hair, washed away all the nasty thoughts I'd had the night before. Did my usual thinking in the shower, too...what's for lunch...what's for dinner...how can I avoid having the same damn things I'm used to eating? How can I get enthused about this whole journey again, given yesterday's setback? Oh, and as of this morning, the rumbles are no longer there, meaning, I'm guessing, I'm all clear. You're not supposed to do this, but I needed to see if this was indeed the problem, so I went to the other end of the bathroom where I'd kicked the scale the day before, and snarled at it. "Allright. Let's try this again." Weighing myself 2x, 2 days in a row, not something we're usually told to do but I needed to know. I step on and see that I'm now two and a half pounds less than I was the morning before. The scale has been apologized to, but as karma has it, my foot has a little black and blue from where I kicked it, so I'll consider us even. I'm going to work on a little something else for you guys to read later, as I'm going to be true to my word and talk about things other than this, LOL. But I wanted to share promised weekly progress. This week, the check was just late. And that's what I texted Oompa, too. She thought I meant the child support check. Kind of ruined the joke, I have to say. ;) Til later! - Capulet
  10. Hello my friends...hoping each of you are having a lovely day! I've had a draining couple of days, so please, please (with fat free whipped cream on top) forgive me for not updating this sooner. Fear not, though - I've spent some time thinking up actual blog-worthy topics non-related to my kids (although they may be mentioned from time to time) or my current weight-loss journey. All I'll say about the latter, though, is last week, I only dropped. One. Stinking. Pound. Perhaps that can be attributed to my binge on chicken wings the other night, or it could very well be due to not drinking as much water as I did the week before. I did vent to Oompa and she assured me that 'the check is in the mail.' For once, I'm going to trust her and listen to her - not because she IS right a small percentage of the time, but because I'm down 12.6 pounds in three weeks - this isn't a bad thing. It's slow and frustrating when the numbers aren't rolling back as quickly but the weight is STILL coming off. And I have to remember, I ate my chicken wings and had pizza two days in a row last week and STILL lost that one stinking pound. Okay, enough about that. That weigh-in update is only there because of my once-a-week promise - no one wants to hear about these things in every blog post. Now, moving onto other possible topics that I want to share my thoughts on. I've been seeing a lot of things posted recently, a lot of things that I can definitely relate to and as part of my own healing process, feel the occasional need to discuss. I'll call it, 'maintenance.' I define maintenance as simply touching up on these things before it builds up into something more severe, something that eventually I'll slap myself in the back of the head for not having dealt with sooner. Note, these are not things that I am currently struggling with - I honestly can't say I've been struggling with anything abuse or sexual assault related in years. However, once in a great while, things tap me on the shoulder and remind me they're still there - but usually, I'll respond with, 'yes, I know you're still here. I've got too much going on with my life right now, and I'm not going to give you any thought right now.' And it goes away, for a little while. It never disappears completely, and that's actually okay with me. I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect existence; we've all got our demons. Some of us are just better at completely ignoring these demons in order to function while others have their daily battles. I like to think I'm somewhere in between - and being 'in-betweener,' isn't something that I consider to be a weakness at all - it just reminds me of the fact that we're all just trying to get through life, we all have our methods, we all have our ways of coping. But it also reminds me - I've got shit that pops up from time to time and there's never, ever going to be a time when maintenance is not needed. I'm going to also say that happened to me has made me stronger. It's taught me more about myself, about LIFE than any schooling ever did. Some things I cannot remember nor make sense of, but I'm able to, at this point, understand why I'm feeling a certain way, even in some cases, recognize the reasons for my own reactions. So...I'm going to keep working on lists of things to discuss in depth - shout out to those of you who have posted about these things recently - it's possible you inspired me. For now though, here are a few things for you to look forward to in future upcoming blogs. - I'm going to talk about (sexuality) labels and why I don't feel that they apply to me, or to anyone else. However, know this - if someone else is accepting of their label, I am one hundred percent supportive of that, because my thoughts on it are not going to match everyone else's. I'm mostly sharing my own perspective on this. I've been asked what I consider myself. Am I gay, straight, bisexual? The short answer to this is - none of the above. The long answer will be revealed later. - I'm going to compose a letter to three of the main abusers in my life, possibly four. And, I'd like to warn everyone - I'm not going to be very nice. So when you see that particular blog entry, please do proceed with caution and know that it WILL likely be triggering. Because things like that, well...there's no sugarcoating. It's pure unfiltered anger, and I'm going to allow myself to be angry. I'm going to put it all right here where it belongs, and direct it toward those who deserve it. My thinking is - I've held it in for far too long and it's an important piece of maintenance that SHOULD be done far more often than I've done it. - I'm going to talk about the old me vs. the me I am today. I'm going to have a little trouble with this one since I have suspicions of CSA having occurred when I was a child; things I cannot remember too clearly now and only have fragmented memories to support these suspicions. These suspicions didn't start until I was an adult, so my time-line is now a huge question mark. I was originally dealing with the before and after the SA that occurred in 1996, now I'm not sure if the 'after' began much sooner than that. Was I ever normal? (Don't answer that, I know it's wide open, but...ya know...) I welcome your thoughts, too - if there's something you'd like to hear my take on, please, please don't hold back and hit the comment link. You'd be giving my already-tired brain a little bit of a break from thinking. - Capulet
  11. Not every post has to be about food or kids. Okay, not MY kids, anyway. So...ya remember my sister? The one married to a jerk? In previous blog entries, we referred to her as #1. Well, that sister's water broke last night at around 8pm. I was at Monday night bowling and heard from Oompa that she was meeting my sister and brother-in-law at the hospital. I stayed up all night long - I did trudge over to the bed around three-thirty this morning, but the anticipation of my niece's impending arrival effectively kept me from the deep sleep that renders me functional for the remainder of the day, so please forgive any run-on sentences or other grammatical errors. I'm not all here today and I'm a bit zombie-ish, but still wanted to share with everyone some very wonderful news. My niece arrived this morning at 6:44am after 10 hours of waiting and countless texts between Oompa and I. Oompa was there before and during the birth and for the cutting of the cord. My brother-in-law doesn't do well in hospital rooms, so my mother was, for the second time, able to witness the birth of her fifth grandchild. Both my sister and the baby are doing just fine. Brother-in-law also doing fine. I took a nap as soon as the first picture came through. She's adorable. Full head of hair. Big, round, alert eyes. Teeny-tiny little fingers. Swaddled in the new-baby blanket that every single hospital in the United States has a patent on. And the little pink hat they put on her head to keep her warm. Those widdle, teensy toes, too! My uterus is tingling, guys. Oh, my God. Not too much, though. It'll pass. I just SO miss when mine were that small. The thought of nibbling on their toes NOW, at their ages, truly sickens me and simply wouldn't be right. LOL. I'll just enjoy being an Aunt. If we're counting my Godchild, we'll say I've now got three beautiful nieces and my one nephew. All are happy, in good health and I couldn't ask for more. I am very, very blessed, indeed. - Capulet
  12. Who else is pulling an all-nighter? (Don't worry, it's for a happy reason!)  :clap:

    1. Beamcam


      I am too  not so happy though 

    2. Capulet


      Sorry, hun!  Will be around if you want to ping the mobile.  I'm a little cloudy today but always have time for a friend.  :throb:

  13. Intro

    Hello, Kax and welcome to AS! While I am sorry to hear of the circumstances that have brought you to our supportive haven, I do hope you are happy with what you find here and are able to find comfort in knowing you are certainly not alone. Best wishes, Capulet
  14. Hey!

    Hey, hey! It's nice to meet you, too! We're happy to have you and I hope being here brings you eventual peace! You are definitely not alone! Welcome to AS! Capulet
  15. I have been eating chicken. A WHOLE lot of chicken. Every. Single. Day. Oh, and eggs. Lots of eggs. You'd think the eggs were being laid by the chickens I'm eating. A typical morning for me is something like this: Get up. Go through the pantry. End up skipping breakfast. (I know, it's not recommended but I do it because what else is there to eat but eggs!?) Oh, and do you know how many points is in a wee cup of cereal and also for the milk you'll put into the bowl??? I don't think I have enough points in a day to waste them before noon! Sometimes I'll take a nap in the morning so that I don't have to actually put anything into my stomach until lunch time. By then, I'm noticeably 'hangry.' After going through the pantry for the second time on any given day around noon (because, really, you never know, the Food Fairy SOMETIMES puts something tempting in there while I'm napping) it's usually an egg salad sandwich that I end up making myself and eating. I take teeny-tiny bites out of that sandwich; even though by now I'm hungry enough to be done with that meal in sixty seconds flat. I savor every bite - because I'm telling myself that even though I'm still going to be hungry after my lunch, I have enough 'points' left to have a nice dinner that will satisfy. I can have some rice, I can have pasta, of course, there's almost ALWAYS something to do with chicken for dinner. So, this is the problem I'm running into, now. Chicken, particularly white meat, is considered a "free" food. I can stuff my face with as much lean chicken as I want, but of course, have to allow for the points used in order to prepare it. (For example, if you sauté it in oil, you have to count the point for the oil, if you marinate it in some sort of sauce, you count the sauce's points. But the eggs and the chicken, providing it's white meat, boneless and skinless, are both free proteins!) What the hell do I do when I get tired of chicken...and eggs!? I'm not thinking eating this many eggs is in any way good for my cholesterol! But I'm quickly approaching the point where I want to swear off both of these for a while. There's only so many things you can do with eggs (including teaching myself to effectively make a frittata) and the chicken is rapidly becoming something I'm liking less and less. I want something different, SO badly. I've told myself that I'll allow myself a red meat one night a week, as a treat. I have a frozen steak in the freezer for sometime this week. I'm just afraid of falling off that damn wagon that I've spent the last month trying to stay atop. It was recently the Chinese New Year - I would have LOVED to ring in the year of the Dog with some fine Asian cuisine, but the amount of MSG used in their (SO SO tasty) dishes is not going to agree with me when the time comes to step onto (and likely cuss out) the scale on Wednesday. Yeah. I'm not really expecting an answer to this little outburst; just being able to sit here and vent is sometimes helpful. Not just about the things I can't change, because there are plenty of those! But about these little things that I know I CAN change with a little on-screen thinking aloud. I mean, I'm sitting here saying, "Jesus, Capulet, no one told you to go on a diet, no one wants to hear you talk about food woes!" But at the same time, I'm asking myself...what AM I going to do about it? If it's not food I have to complain about, it's something else. Every single one of us has something to deal with. Something that pisses them off on a daily basis. Something that makes them question, something that makes them angry. Talking about things, even if I'm not doing it verbally, helps me to put into perspective what I'm feeling and I thank you all for listening, if you've gotten this far. THAT helps. So, anyway....a little while ago, I just got back inside from hangry-shoveling...we had about two inches of snow last night. The daughter and son have gone back to their father's house and J is not home. So the big-ass driveway we have got a walloping with the shovel and I have to properly thank the sun for shining today, it made the job a whole lot easier. So...at least I got some exercise in the process. My back will probably be screaming at me in the morning, regardless. And, while I was getting my shoveling done, I made myself a little proposition for tonight's dinner. Tonight, I'm making chicken (what a surprise!!!!) but am making BBQ chicken wings. This is not a 'free' meal as the wings have skin and bones but it's a small treat for yours truly considering the 'same ol,' is getting extremely tiresome. My better half is on a double shift. And so, that's my plan and my reward to myself. Chicken wings and maybe a side salad. Plus, they'll be baked in the oven and not fried so they won't kill the diet. As a parting note, if anyone would like to come and prepare unique meals for me and listen to me whine and complain, I'll repay the kindness with hugs and a lifetime's worth of gratitude. Must know how to be creative with chicken and must be skillful at omelette-making. I also have a spare bedroom when Oompa's not here. A full collection of Blu-rays. What I don't have though, is junk food. You'll have to bring your own. Furthermore, feel free to send me any chicken breast recipes - even if there's a lot of "no no" foods (butter, oils, etc) used, I can perhaps modify them some with their diet-friendly counterparts. I'm having my water now (that's yet another thing - need to come up with more interesting things to drink. I haven't had more than one or two soda cans in the last week and the caffeine headaches are becoming more frequent!) and relaxing before it's time to prep the wings. Hope everyone's Sunday is going well. Love to all of you beautiful people! And thank you. It means a great deal to know that y'all are out there. - Capulet
  16. Just some hangry hollering!

    @May_Sullivan_, you're right! It's actually been recommended that Apple Cider Vinegar be added to drinking water (1-2 teaspoons maybe) as a daily supplement. It's also a staple in my pantry - a lot of the marinades I use call for 1/4 cup of vinegar, either the regular white or the Apple Cider variety, doesn't matter. But it does help improve tastiness!
  17. Oh, please - won't someone enlighten me on how to get rid of the marching band making its way through my cranium right now? :blink:  

  18. I'm new here, so hi

    Hi NorthernGypsy! Welcome to AS. Yep, this is an amazing place. I hope it is exactly what you've been looking for in order to heal. I've been here for a very long time, but had a long break in between! If you need help with anything, feel free to give a shout. Otherwise, do look around and make yourself comfortable. AS has a lot to offer. Best wishes, Capulet
  19. Weightless

    Today's Wednesday...weigh-in day! Which means, update day!!!!!! Yay, aren't we all excited? (Although I'll try and blog more often about stuff other than my diet woes or kids.) I had a few choice words for the scale this morning, but it will live to see another week. See, I lost 1.6, which isn't bad considering we (J and I) had our Valentine's Day date on Monday night. We went to the local Red Lobster - and everything I ordered/ate was counted in my point total. Lemme tell ya, it took me about twenty minutes to eat a single Cheddar Bay Biscuit because those fucking things are six points each. Instead of finishing the biscuit in one bite, I'm using a fork to break off teeny-tiny little pieces of it...praaaaise the man or woman who invented those things. Why the hell do they have to be SO damn good, so tasty, so worth it..??? Oh, and my fish was grilled, I omitted the butter from the lobster tail and instead dipped the lobster meat into the scampi sauce. I did my calculating as best as I could. I definitely went over my daily allotted points, but still, I'm allowed to do that every once in a while. I have to also remember that I'm not going to lose 10 pounds a week. That's just not realistic, as much as I wish it was. Weight loss will slow down. I just hoped it would slow down a little bit later. It's just further proof that the majority of that 10 pounds was water weight. We also didn't have any snow this week, so there was no busting my ass shoveling the driveway = no cardio. "Fine, you can stay this week," I said to the evil scale. "But if I don't lose at least two full pounds next week, out the windah you go!" So... I slept like ass last night. No idea why. I'm not triggered, I'm not dealing with any added stress. It's just the day-to-day BS that by now has become the norm. I'm also not even tired. When you're not tired, you don't sleep, right? My kids have been trying to tell me that for years. And for years, I didn't give a rat's ass; if I was tired, they went to sleep regardless of whether or not I went to bed. Now, though, the Son has become a night owl like me; the Daughter is still young enough to force into her bed at a decent hour. For a while, I've gotten myself used to a 'swig' before bed; we pick up a bottle of the generic NyQuil whenever we hit up the neighborhood Wal-Mart. I'm not as bad as J is, though - she swigs EVERY NIGHT. I swig on the nights following a night like last night. I swig when I absolutely need to sleep, or else I become that cranky old lady nobody wants to be around. I'm moody, I'm hangry (anyone else use that word?) and I'm overall annoyed. So, I do see a swig in my near future although I've been trying to avoid using "help" to fall asleep. Because today, I AM tired! Last weekend at some point, I had a dream that I have from time to time, for as long as I can remember. It's one of my reoccurring ones. It's not really a nightmare, it's just annoying. I keep telling myself it means something, but honestly, there are too many question marks surrounding this one. I may have posted about this, years ago, but nothing's changed. I'm still having this ridiculous dream...seriously, I'd rather be dreaming of much more pleasant things, like the food I'm never going to be able to enjoy again without having some guilt. In it, I'm confronted by someone (I can't see a face, nor can I identify who this is, in any other way.) I have a feeling, though, that it is a man. The same way when we dream, we know things, we're afforded a depth of understanding that we can't otherwise explain. Anyway, this is a man and he's in some way, threatening me. Even if he is not touching me in my dream, I feel as if I'm in danger and I need to defend myself. So I clench my fists. I want to hit him. I have the opportunity to hit him. And so, I attempt to strike him, as hard as I can, because I want to hurt him just enough. But for some reason, I cannot. It's almost as if an invisible force prevents me from taking a swing. Instead, it is a slo-mo, ineffective punch that does absolutely nothing to my enemy. Have you ever punched straight forward, just an air punch that doesn't necessarily land anywhere? Now, try doing the same thing underwater. That's exactly how it feels. Held back, restrained. Limited. Weightless. I'm seeing the image of the cartoon hammer that just goes limp in the hand; ha ha, you're not hurting anyone with THAT! In some instances, I try and flee. But that feels as if I'm underwater too. My legs don't move quickly enough and I'm weak, weak, weak. So, no success with running, either. And then I wake up, feeling as if I've lost. I've been defeated. Hundreds of times, every single time I have this dream, whether there's running involved or it stops at my attempts to attack the person I feel is threatening me. This make any sense to anyone? Anyone else ever have a dream like this? About to make my lunch now. I'm having hangry tendencies. Until later. - Capulet
  20. Older member, but I'm back :)

    Welcome back! I, too, am an oldie but reconnected with the site and wonderful people I have met here after some time away. It was a much needed hiatus as a lot of changes were implemented in my life. So, we understand! Glad you're back and you are doing well! Capulet
  21. Who's still up?

    This girl. 

    No particular reason.  

    So....hi! :)

    1. oceonwaves


      still up too.:) :zzz:

    2. Field8


      I'm up also

    3. Free2Fly


      Just woke up from nightmares... so hello although your probably all asleep now lol missed this bus.

  22. Hi

    Hi, I don't think there's ever been anything withheld here at AS - I've seen many different types of ramblings in the time I've been here. I understand that there's often a lot on one's chest, and I've always had the motto, 'better out than in!' This is why we're advised to put up a trigger warning if you're about to post something that may be difficult for another struggling member to read; we should all proceed at our own risk at all times but it does help to have an idea of what you'd like to discuss before we read a post...this way, someone can decide whether or not they would like to read your post now or save it for when they are in a better frame of mind. There is also the private messaging feature; if you feel you want to discuss something privately, you can always send a message to someone. You simply hover over their screen name and on the bottom left of the little box, there's a 'message' icon. ;) But don't keep everything bottled up inside...that's not healthy at all! Yes, absolutely post when you're ready and only when you're ready! But if there's something pressing that you think we can help with, just use your trigger warning and you're golden. (Put it in your post title, along with a brief description of what you feel may trigger...for example: Trigger warning: self injury, etc.) As you look around the site and navigate the boards, you'll see a lot of these. Again, welcome, I hope you'll find you are in a safe place! Capulet
  23. Hi

    Hello! Welcome to AS. You are certainly not alone here; you are among a fantastic community of friends and while I am so sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, I hope you will find you will have an abundance of support. We are all in different places in our healing journeys, but this is a great place to start. Best wishes. Capulet
  24. intro

    Hello and welcome, thank you for telling us a little bit about yourself! I'm so sorry to hear of the circumstances that have brought you to AS, but hope being here brings you comfort and all of the support you can stand. Be good to yourself! Cap