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Everything posted by Capulet

  1. Keeping the Silence

    Welcome to After Silence, @Soccergirl81 - Katherine, I'm sorry to learn you are a long-time survivor of trauma and that you are having trouble sleeping. You have found a very safe community and there is never going to be a shortage of support from others. You're not alone! Please don't worry about sharing too much at once - that is not encouraged nor pushed, here. We would rather you take your time and become familiar with the way the site works and with other members, first. We look forward to getting to know you, whenever you are comfortable! A Newbie Support Team member will be sending you an official welcome message, shortly. Until then, please know that if you need any help or have any questions about the site, I am just a shout away. Again, welcome. We are happy to have you. Best wishes, Capulet
  2. Hello

    Hi @feralcat - Welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry to learn you have trauma in your background, but am hoping that you will take comfort in knowing that you have found a truly supportive community in AS. It is truly a freeing feeling to release some of what you have been holding onto for so long - and although I do not know you very well, yet, I'm proud of you for taking this truly gigantic step toward healing! You should be contacted by a member of our Newbie Support Team shortly. Until then, if you need any assistance, I'm just a shout away. Again, welcome. Happy to have you among us and looking forward to getting to know you. Best wishes, Capulet
  3. A little Friday message to those of you who may need to hear this:



    1. Free2Fly


      I guess I needed to hear that I guess... I don't know.

      safe hugs :hug: if ok?

  4. Newbie

    Welcome to AS! Wishing you all the best and hoping our wonderful community can be a helpful resource. My best wishes to you, - Capulet
  5. Hello :)

    @moongoddess - I'm well - thank you so much for asking! Sending safe hugs, if you want them! Maybe!!! I'm a longtime member. I did take a hiatus for a while before coming back. I don't think there is any limit to the support you can gain from being here, so I'm glad you came back when you felt you needed to. There is nothing wrong with needing the extra connection - especially when you know you can count on there being someone on the other end who is in the same boat. You are always welcome. Very glad you are away from your abuser. The distance does make all the difference in the world! It's good to know you are safe now and that you're not contending with any physical threats! Hoping your weekend is going well. If you need anything, I'm just a shout away. - Cap
  6. Hello :)

    Welcome, @moongoddess - glad to hear that you're still continuing down the path to healing - that's always hard to do, but you're doing it - that's what matters!!! I'd love to hear how things are different for you now as I am also looking at things from a different perspective these days as opposed to two decades ago. Take good care, and welcome back. As Mary has said, you'll run into many new faces, but we're still the same supportive community! Best wishes, Capulet
  7. Greetings to all from my neck of the woods, where I seem to have disappeared for a little while. I've not been completely gone - just keeping myself scarce for no particular reason other than not really having much to report. In my last blog entry, I mentioned that bathroom renovations were underway. Those renovations have since been completed. It took a few more days to return my sleep cycle from WAY abnormal back to simply screwed up. If you're me, there's never going to be a normal. I'm even more convinced of this, as lately I'm able to fall asleep, but not able to STAY asleep for more than three hours at a time. Example...I get myself nice and tired, crash at 2 or 2:30 in the morning, fall asleep until 4am...then it takes me two more hours to fall back asleep. I don't know what gives. I really don't. Brain is silent, I'm DEFINITELY tired - the deep sleep just refuses to take over. They say you sleep less when you get older - I HOPE that's not true as I'm already functional with four to five hours per night - at this rate, I'll be pulling all nighters and chugging the coffee to stay awake in the mornings! (Yes, I bought more caffeinated K-cups!) I recently undertook another project. The re-organizing and deep-clean of my daughter's room. After two years of her destroying her room piece by piece (when it comes to such thing, my soon-to-be-13-year-old has some serious talent) she's decided that she's outgrown her twin-sized bed and has asked for a full-size upgrade. I obliged, but told her that if she was going to be pulling out the twin-size bed, she was also going to be pulling up the carpet that she's gotten slime stains on. She's proven time and time again that her room cannot be where she stores her art supplies, even though that's where they always end up when my back is turned. Anyway, I waited until she was in school before starting her room. There's NO other way to avoid the, 'Ma, I was saving this,' or the 'I didn't want to throw that away!!!' Three or four trash bags went out - bags that were filled with more than the 'candy wrappers' and 'water bottles' that she had littered all over her floor, what I told her was in those trash bags. I managed to get rid of things I'd not seen her touch in years - since we MOVED. What's the sense in keeping it all? Some was donated, some just plain trashed. Got rid of clothes too that were six or seven sizes too small. Oompa's the one who bought her the bed frame and mattress, but I was left in charge of not only prepping her room for the new bed, but also of picking up the mattress from town. At first, I thought it would be easy but when is anything that simple? Apparently the Jeep I wanted (and still love, by the way) has one of those pesky antennas on top - meaning I couldn't put the mattress on the roof of my Compass. So, a U-Haul was rented for Friday morning and both J and the son were on board to help me transport a full-size mattress from the store to home - then we would transport her old twin-sized bed with an accompanying built in shelf and dresser over to the wasband's for her little sister to use. Friday morning, we got up early, finished up the rest of her room (swept the floor, stored boxes underneath the bed frame (ordered from Amazon and assembled the day before) and were about to head out. The Son was, as usual, taking his time, so I knocked on his door and said, "we'll be waiting outside, meet us out there and lock the door on your way out!" He shouted something back. "Okay!" I'm guessing he said. I waited another couple minutes and realized there was a bag of garbage that was still sitting in the hallway outside the daughter's room. I grabbed the bag and went to trash it. Went to go back into the house and walked right into the Son, who NEVER LISTENS TO ME. Except for today. He chose to listen to me today, and had already locked the door on his way out. My pocketbook and my keys and my receipt from the Mattress store were ALL in the house. "SHIT!" We checked the front door in the event that the son hadn't locked it. He had. Nice and tight. We checked J's car for HER key - it wasn't there - it was also in the house, tucked away in her work bag. As a last resort, I jogged across the street to the neighbor's house - she takes care of our animals whenever we're away and has one of our spare keys - and she wasn't home. "What, now?" J started trying other doors. Kitchen sliders? Locked. Side entrance? Locked also. I'm starting to panic because we have a 12:00 appointment to go pick up the U-Haul, and four hours to get everything brought to wherever it needed to be - and return the U-Haul. And everything I needed was locked inside the house! I walked along the side of the house and tried the windows. The ONLY one that was unlocked and willing to budge was the bathroom window. "Uhhh.....J??" She came over. I showed her that glimmer of hope - the open bathroom window. Next, I tried to maneuver myself into a sitting position so that I could easily slide into the bathroom window. To explain, I have a bi-level. When you open my front door, there are stairs leading up and stairs leading down. So the window was located pretty much close to the ground from the outside - to go in would mean a drop down into the room from above. It had rained the night before, and I wasn't wanting to soak myself on the wet mulch. Plus, I'm 40 years old now, no longer a spring chicken. Trying to limbo myself into the bathroom window wasn't working - not from this angle. I'd more likely break my back trying to bend in ways I'm no longer able to. Not to mention there wasn't a whole lot of room - picture below will show that trying to go in feet-first would probably have ended very badly, given my busty frame... "Okay. I'm going in headfirst." My brilliant idea for the day. So - in I go, slowly. Used my hands to 'walk' myself down, (pushed toilet seat down first) and then little by little, shimmied my way down until I was literally hanging onto the outside ledge using my feet. At this point, J decided to take a photo - promising that this would bring forth years of amusement whenever talked about in the future. And I'm sure it will... Dropped down into the bathroom, using my arms to catch myself. By now, the drop wasn't a large one, and the toilet broke the fall up, some. I'm in. And I'm alive. Go, me! Damn, though, I think I pulled about six different muscles trying to break back into my own house. This very same photo was posted onto social media with the caption, "how's YOUR day going?' Oompa's response was, "what happened?" I explained the situation to her and the first thing she said was, "I hope you didn't break anything in your new bathroom!" No, Ma. Maybe just a little bit of myself, but thank you for the concern. Got to the U-Haul with minutes to spare - got everything else we needed to do - done. Aside from this little lock-out snafu, the day was a good one. I have a few bruises and was sore in places I didn't know existed yesterday, but end result - the daughter's room is looking clean and organized. Now the challenge remains - getting her to KEEP it that way! So, in closing, I would like to thank my son for, on Thursday night, taking a shit in the downstairs bathroom - a shit that smelled SO badly, that I cracked the window to air out the room. Had that shit not been taken, I would probably STILL be trying to figure out how to break into my own house. Furthermore, I'm grateful for my own absentmindedness - normally I would have remembered to close and lock that bathroom window once the stench had died down. Perhaps there IS a silver lining to my increased ability to not sleep????? Hoping you're all well and that you're all smiling. - Capulet
  8. New member

    Hi @VLX600 - Welcome to After Silence!!!! Congratulations on your first post. And congratulations on starting therapy - that is a very big, brave step to take! Yes, you will find lots of support here. After Silence is a truly wonderful community and the members are very kind and caring. We are a safe, loving space and we sincerely welcome you. You will receive a message shortly from one of our Newbie Support Team members who will best be able to assist with ANY questions or concerns with navigating the site. Or, of course - I am just a holler away. - Capulet
  9. I am, @sunflowerlove, and I'm glad to be providing laughs. Hope you're doing well today!
  10. Okay... Hi

    Hi @Ciotog - Welcome to After Silence. One of the best things about this site is - you don't have to delve into anything if you're not emotionally or mentally ready to. You can take all the time you need to browse our side. I'm sorry to learn of the circumstances that have led you here, but hope that you will realize quickly that you are not alone and are among caring, compassionate souls. A member of our Newbie Support Team will be in contact very soon. Until then, if you have any questions or concerns, you can always reach out and give me a shout. Again, welcome - glad to 'meet' you and looking forward to getting to know you further whenever you're ready. Best wishes, Capulet
  11. @awi - me, too! Got a few bruises but they're healing nicely! Glad you enjoyed this. Thanks for taking the time to read!
  12. Awi is back old member

    @awi - welcome back again! If you ever forget your password again, please send an email to aftersilence.moderators@gmail.com. We can reset it for you and get you reconnected in a jiffy! Take gentle care! - Cap
  13. Hello, new here

    Hello @Here2Heal - welcome to After Silence!!! We are glad to have you among us, too. I'm very sorry to hear of the circumstances leading you to our community - and also what you're going through right now. I am, however, hopeful that being here will help you to feel a little bit less alone as you deal with the rest of it...self-care is so, very, incredibly important and we all forget to do it from time to time. Perfectly normal. You will be hearing from a member of our Newbie Support Team shortly, but until then, if you have any questions or need help with anything, I am just a PM away. Wishing you all the best as you begin your next healing stages. - Capulet
  14. New here

    Welcome, @Willow1980 - wishing you all the best in your healing process! I'm sorry you have reason to be here but am hopeful that you feel supported here. As others have said, our chat room is under construction. I do hope, though, that we'll have it up and running in the very near future. Until then, there's an abundance of different topics to gain support on in our other forums, so please do take your time to look around. Take care. Best wishes, Capulet
  15. New

    Welcome, @Rian - someone very close to me shares your name, although spelled Ryan. It'a a fine name if I say so, myself. Wishing you peace, comfort and healing - I'm glad you are here among us - this truly is a great community. Best wishes to you, Capulet
  16. Hello all!

    HI @rakit - Would like to welcome you to After Silence as well as thank you for being another supporter to others. This truly is a kind, loving, supportive community and we are glad to have you. Am so sorry to hear you've experienced trauma, but hope that being here brings you peace, comfort and healing. Best wishes, Capulet
  17. Greetings...

    HI, @Chise - welcome to AS, from one cat lover to another. I have five in my feline crew - the eldest is soon 16, the youngest is almost 4 months old. They have a way of providing such comfort, I can't see myself NOT having a cat! I'm glad you're taking your time to look around and explore the site. I am sorry that you have reason to be among us, but we're truly a loving, accepting, supportive bunch and look forward to hearing more about you and getting to know you further when you're ready. You're never under any obligation to share more than you're prepared to - so continue to browse at your own pace. We're not going anywhere. Again - welcome. Best wishes, Capulet
  18. Hello Everyone

    Hi @Lynnamoncinnamon - welcome to After Silence!!! I'm glad you have found this safe space to gain online/social support. This is a truly loving and kind community and I am hopeful that you'll fit right in. Thanks for telling us a little about you...looking forward to learning more through your posts! Take your time looking around and feel free to post when you are ready. Best wishes, Capulet
  19. 1

    @vanessazaki - Posts can be edited by their author, but not deleted completely. If you ever need something removed, I will need to do it for you. Please let me know via Help Desk if you need a post deleted, along with a link to the post. Welcome to After Silence! Best wishes, Capulet
  20. Change my gender on profile

    @Chris76 - I'll fix that for you right now. Welcome to After Silence!
  21. There's decaf...or decaf.

    @goldraindrops - so right you are about things not always being what they seem. I just wonder how others can sound so convincing. I know for some of them, it IS genuine...and there's always a layer of sadness on Mother's Day. I know this will eventually be a deeper sadness when my mother is no longer living...that'll be a different ball game, but I will jump that fence when I get to it. I cannot help wishing I could be a part of that small percentage whose mothers did right by them. Guess I can take comfort in knowing my kids are. @AKB - Mr. Hollis has some very, VERY wise words! I appreciate your sharing them. I was actually thinking of you this Mother's Day, given all the recent developments with your parents - and was sensing that you were also struggling. I understand completely your decision to not have human children - but am glad you decided to be Mama to your fur-baby - Sasha's a very lucky girl! Also agree wholeheartedly that my family here on AS has been a truly exceptional surrogate family, for you guys are who I can be most 'real' with!!! I don't know what I'd do without you all! Love to you both and thank you for your kind words.
  22. Two years ago, when we moved into our new home, our realtor bought us a Keurig machine - this adorable cherry red contraption - and it's been nothing short of amazing to have - especially when there's a need for a 'quick cup.' While I still drink coffee, it's mostly the iced variety from Dunkin' with a shot of caramel and cream - my Keurig machine has lately been going WEEKS without brewing - it's usually only used when my mother (Oompa) comes for a visit. She'd come in and ask for a cup of coffee: 'got any decaf?' Often I'd have to tell her that I only had regular - thus starting her new tradition of bringing me a box of decaf K-cups whenever she came to visit. My supply of regular, though, has dwindled and I cannot open my pantry without it spitting out a box of whatever-flavored decaf. I'm feeling the need for coffee this morning - for starters, I'm cold. It's barely breaking 50 degrees lately - nothing but rain, rain, and more rain. We had a one or two day reprieve here and there, but never long enough for it to dry out a little. So, I'm cold, I'm tired of the dreariness....and I'm just plain tired this morning because as usual, I crawl into bed at 2am (force of habit) and on this particular (rainy, of course) Tuesday morning, I am waiting for the guy who is installing a new shower to arrive. 8am, he said. I got up at 6 when J left for work so I wouldn't sleep through the promised appointment time - it is now 9:45am and he's still not here. Regardless, I needed an energy jolt this morning - so into the K-cup inventory I go and ALL that remains is decaf. Now, when Oompa comes, I'll have to tell her to bring REGULAR K-cups because decaf ain't gonna cut it. I'm already half asleep! Gonna be one of those days, yeah? OK. Warning heeded. So, I did say I would be writing a little about Mother's Day, being that I've had mixed emotions about this day for years, now. Not because of my kids. My kids are my life and I LOVE being their mother. The son is going to be nineteen...(I can't...) in a couple months and the daughter will be turning THIRTEEN. So, for one year, (help me Jesus!) I'm going to have TWO teenagers under the same roof at the SAME time. Although I must say it's certainly felt like the daughter's been a moody, brooding teenager for a WHILE, already. It'll just be official in a couple months' time and I'm definitely in for it. Anyway - the kids and J took me to dinner last night at Red Lobster, followed by a trip to Dairy Queen for sundae desserts. The son forwarded me a coupon for university logo apparel and the daughter bought me a card and a huge bag of watermelon flavored Sour Patch Kids...I guess she didn't get the memo that I need to get my ass back onto the Weight Watchers bandwagon, but it's the thought that counts. Oompa planned her vacation to Italy for the week of Mother's Day. Pretty sure it wasn't done intentionally - was probably a 'travel this week, get these super deals' kind of thing. Either way, I wasn't really caring. I'd just seen her two weeks before for Easter - and secretly was GLAD I wouldn't have to figure out a way to make her feel particularly special on Mother's Day all the while not knowing what my own kids had in store for me. As is, I struggled with what to say to others on social media. Mother's Day is just - I don't know. Seeing all the Facebook posts scroll by, all these sons and daughters with pictures of their moms - the daughters who call their moms their best friend. It's hard to take it all in, knowing that my mother is NOT my best friend - she's someone who annoys me to no end, someone who will commit an act of generosity, then turn around and ask what we'll do for her in return. No, it's never simple with her. She is both an easy and a difficult person to love...try to figure THAT out! So, Sunday, I spent a little time on my Facebook - to my sisters, I sent a Happy Mother's Day message on Facebook on each of their walls. I sent J's sisters the same. I sent J's born-again Christian mother (who isn't a fan of mine) a HUGE thank-you for raising the woman of my dreams (YES, I absolutely did do this, and yes, I did it to be mischievous) and the message I sent my own mother took longer than all the rest combined. I chose my words carefully - trying to find words that were truthful but could also be interpreted in a way my mother needed them to be. I thanked her for everything she's done for me and all she's taught me. And she has. She's done lots for me - some of it, I wonder if it was guilt-born. She taught me a great deal...I cannot deny this. She taught me to speak. She taught me to treat others with kindness and respect. These are the finer qualities...unfortunately, she also taught me about lying, about hiding, about sweeping things under the rug. She TRIED to teach me to 'put things away,' but this was not an effective lesson - it's only taught me self-doubt, to suppress, and that if I can't remember something, it isn't true. Logically, I know that's not the case, but to have that ingrained in you from a very young age - well - you're kinda screwed. My mother taught me how NOT to be with my own kids. So, that, I can also thank her for. She taught me to allow my children to be who they are - without fear of being judged for it. She taught me to listen to what my kids think of others - a child's intuition is rarely wrong. Sadly I cannot explain these things to her. My messages to her are generic, short and to the point. I cannot even think about what I'd want to say to my mother, because I probably NEVER will say some of these things, even if opportunity knocks. I don't think I'll ever have the relationship with her that I'd LIKE to have....that ship has sailed around the world several times over. Do I love her? Of course. But I also feel this incredible need to maintain an emotional distance. Not even sure what else is swimming around in my brain at the moment - I'm tired, I've not had sufficient sleep nor caffeine. BUT, the good news is - there's another year 'til the next Mother's Day comes around. Maybe some things don't need to be overthought? Hoping everyone is having a good week - will be back soon with another update. My best to you all! - Capulet
  23. Hi

    Hi @Len/Jack - Welcome to After Silence. Looking forward to getting to know you through posts or through blogs, whichever you're more comfortable with at the time - it's one of the things I love the most about AS - the ability to take it all at your own pace. Anyway - welcome - take all the time you need to familiarize yourself with the site. Best wishes, Capulet
  24. Came across this gem on my newsfeed on social media and wanted to share with everyone here.  It is imperative to be compassionate to yourself in times of difficulty. Self-care is a great way to do that to help yourself heal. It is giving yourself permission to pause, to love yourself, to be kind to yourself and remember that you are just human and you are doing your best.  :throb:   Sending you all love and safe hugs!!


    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Field8


      Thank you Cap. I forget all the time about self care.

    3. Iheartcupcakes


      This is excellent. Bathing in the ocean is definitely cleansing and spiritual for me. I make time for this every time I go home. 


    4. Hawkgirl


      Thank you Cap for this.  I didn’t realize self care was quite so multifaceted.  

  25. Hi guys!

    Welcome to AS, @Redwood519 - so sorry that unfortunate circumstances have led you here, but please take comfort in knowing you have found a truly safe place within our community. It is my sincerest hope that you will see that you are not walking this path alone - so many others can relate and understand what you're going through. Please take all the time you need to familiarize yourself with the site - we are here for you whenever you're ready to share a little bit more about yourself - but there's NEVER any pressure to do so. Take it all at your own speed. Wishing you well! Best wishes! Capulet