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The Journey To Healing and Happiness

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I'm supposed to write about trust for therapy next week.  I'll write down some ideas here over the next week.    It is very hard to trust anyone. I don't trust anyone to care for me, to protect me or to put myself first.  I trust my parents to be self interested and self preserving.  I trust my brother (abuser) to be self interested and to ignore the validity of my pain.  I've accepted the fact that trust is fickle and the people closest to you will be the ones to let you down.  Blood


asparkofcourage in Vague Utterances

The Rot

First Draft-General Theme Second Draft-Solidified Rhyme Scheme   Something is inside me deep.   Touches me throughout my core.  And if you look at where I keep,  You'll see it reaches out more and more. I'm going to dig the rot out   It's a growth that has taken many many years to taint my soul. I hide it as though I'm forsaken pretending that I'm whole.  I'm going to dig the rot out   But now I want to reveal who I

Dear Me

Dear younger me,  I'd like to make peace with you and you to me as well.  I didn't turn out like you thought I would.  It makes me feel disappointed in myself.  You thought that if you got yourself through that dark time that eventually, I would have a high paying job, take care of myself, move away and let the past go like it never happened.  A clean break, but that's not what has happened.  I'm  a stay at home wife depending on my husband to keep us up.  The opposite of independence

Integral Moments

I find myself going back in time in my mind and only pulling out the negative things that have happened in my life.  But I know that that's not the case.  Though happy moments may have been few a far between, that is what makes them so special and I don't want to forget those integral moments that kept me going through the dark parts of my life.  So here is a place that I will list those moments. (I will update as I remember more)  1) When my parents and brothers were working or doing after

Summertime Sadness

Well, first off, I don't remember much.  Just a few very vivid images, a lot of crying and watching myself from the corner of the room. My abuser was my oldest brother.  I was 9 and he was 14 or 15 at the time.   The most of one incident I remember is when my 2 other brothers were playing videogames and were completely engrossed in it.  My 3rd brother (the oldest) put a blanket on top of me on his bed and told everyone in the room he was just going to massage me.  I was just still, unmoving

Generational Trauma

I've been doing some reading.  "It Didn't Start with You." -by Mark Wolynn and to be honest, I can't believe some of the things that my family have survived through.  How we are all still together and existing in the normal everyday world is baffling.  This book helped me to discern what is my trauma, what trauma is being repeated within the family and how to break the cycle.  It's going to be a rough ride so please bear with me.   Maternal My mothers family grew up in poverty with ver

Another thing I loved, Ruined.

Hello.  I've been reading and thinking and contemplating about my life.  About all the things that have happened to me.  I'm currently a stay at home dog mom with little to no friends and all the time in the world.  Now that I've been spending so much time with myself, I've realized... I don't even know me all that well.  I think I got so caught up with my husband's dr. career that I've lost a sense of what I wanted to do with my own life.  And then searching through my own thoughts about what I
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