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She isnt gone but this feels like grief


aperson

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My mama is still in the hospital in serious condition on the ventilator. Some days are good and others seem like just one more thing going wrong. The pneumonia is still present but slowly declining. Then there are the other things like fluctuating blood pressure, heart rate and blood sugar. Then there is the monitoring of her kidneys which are also declining. She has been on a ventilator  for 8 days now. These are the most nerve wracking 8 days ever. 

I havent heard her voice in 11 days. We did get to see her 1 day. It was hard seeing her connected to all those tubes. I kept watching her breathing because at the time I knew they hard reduced the ventilator down and she was having to do some of the work to breathe. It was so irregular. A few quick shallow breaths then nothing and then deeper breathe which was machine doing the work. We all talked to her and did our normal sibling playful banter. Inside I wanted to cry. When she opened her eyes and turned toward us I hoped she would fight the meds and just look at us and half smile.

She isnt gone but I sometimes feels like I am grieving.  I get angry at the disease that put her there. I cry because I know the chances of survival are lower. I say I miss her mostly to myself. I have bargained with God. Next moment I have full faith that she will survive this. Then there is the thing I wont tell anyone. I am afraid that if I say it or write it, it will come true and I cant handle that.

At night and early morning seems the hardest. Possibly because those are times I call the hospital to check on her. I have had just a couple of nights I slept through the night and was asleep before 2am. I wake a few times in the night and when I do, I just want to call up there. Then I cry quietly and hope I can get back to sleep. 

Right now, I feel sad. I feel like it is my fault she is where she is. I didn't force her to go to hospital sooner. I should have. When she stayed asleep the 2nd day, I should have forced her to go. If she dies they will blame me. And secretly I would agree with them. I dont know how she got it. I spent a lot of time with her and was very up close but I still tested negative. I wish I knew where she got it.

I just want her to be ok. I want her to recover. I want things to go back to the way they were a month ago. 

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I'm so sorry you and your mom are going through this. Sending good vibes and well wishes 😊

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Sending you lots and lots of support and healing vibes. 💜 I'm sorry your mom is so unwell. :( I will keep her in my prayers. The doctors will do all they can to get her well. And no matter what, please don't blame yourself. No one will blame you. You couldn't have predicted the severity. You did your best. None of this is your fault. *sends you lots of comfort* I wish you and your mom the best. 

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