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Screaming inside

Shaking. The kind that you can feel start from the inside. From your bones to your veins to your muscles. Skin tingling. The trigger. Someone sat next to me.  I havent given my new co-workers the talk about my personal space. Last week one kept touching me. I silently prayed then. Today the prayer didnt work. I kept saying to myself, it will be fine. Sge will move soon. She didnt and the feeling kept building. I could no longer focus. The trembling became visible. Someone else saw and I got

aperson

aperson

 

Insomnia

It is frustrating when I cant sleep. If I fall asleep now, I can get 3 full hours but that wont happen. It is one of those nights where a billion thoughts are in my head and they all want to be answered of acknowledged. No sooner than I handle one another appears. And God forbid one becomes a complex stream of thought.  And it isnt just 1 train of thoughts. They are all over the place. Are the doors locked? What am I wearing to work? I should wash my laundry. My hair. What should I do with

aperson

aperson

 

'The Tale'

I watched a movie the other night called 'The Tale'. I am not always one who reads the overview of a movie. The title catches my eye and I watch. This is one I probably should have passed on but I couldnt stop watching because I related so well to it. It is about a woman who receives a story she wrote when she was younger from her mom. The story was about a young girl who was manipulated and sexually assaulted. The film spends the rest of the time with her trying to reconcile the story with her

aperson

aperson

 

Once a year...

Yesterday was Memorial Day. It is the 1 day a year I plan to go to the cemetary. I go to say hi to my family. The 'unplanned' trips are because I am at a breaking point. Those usually turn out very bad. Unfortunately, some of that family was toxic. My mother's family has the most in one place. Sadly, they are all together so there is no avoiding specific ones. Luckily I dont go alone. It is helpful because I dont get emotional and sit there crying alone. That doesnt mean that I am not affected.

aperson

aperson

 

Week 3

This is week 3 of training and I am still clueless I feel. Still a lot I just dont get. It just doesnt make sense yet. Still have 9 weeks to go. The 2nd biggest change is the free time I have. No more working late nights, early calls, interviews, reports, babysitting grown adults. No more worrying how to keep the account afloat and trying to convince people to stay when the company is showing them they dont matter. I have my evenings free. I can just relax. But that would be too easy lol. I have

aperson

aperson

 

It has been awhile...

So....I havent updated this in a long time. A few reasons for that. First, after almost 7 years, I resigned from my job. The people I worked with in my office were mostly great. My boss was definitely my top boss ever. She had what I lack in the people area and I had the operational stuff down. Having the most tenure on my account helped a lot. At the end of the day, several things caused me to throw in the towel. I was way overworked and underpaid. I was putting in about 60 hours a week. I

aperson

aperson

 

Ramblings...

Because my brain is all jumbled and my heart is hurting... I am finding it hard to stay centered right now. I try and get about 3 good hours. After that I am worthless. I cant help but focus on the message I got Thurs. I cant help but think of all that may want me gone. I cant help but think of how much I wanted this job to work only to have this happen. This was my career. My place to retire. I keep trying not to cry. I have to move on and move forward. But what I want is to hide in my bed

aperson

aperson

 

Heartbroken and sad

I am so heartbroken by the message I got yesterday. I cancelled all of my meetings. I spent more time crying at work than actually working. My boss sent me an email that she hadnt heard about a petition. In the afternoon she came to talk with me. She wanted to know who told me. I know who told me but they are not part of our organization so telling her who it was is pointless plus I dont know who said they were doing the petition and neither does the person who told me. She asked if there was an

aperson

aperson

 

They want me fired

I found out from someone that some people want me fired. I wouldnt be so bothered except the reason is because they say I have bad hygiene. I have already spoken with my boss about my performance and that I felt that my team had an aversion to me. I thought they felt like I was a poor leader. the truth is they dont want me around because I smell. I am not upset that they feel this way. They are right. I am more upset about the way it is being handled. I have emailed my boss and asked her to re-d

aperson

aperson

 

Love me? Still trying to like me

I have understood from a very early age that I am ugly externally. No one says it but there are the comments and comparisons that let you know you are not attractive or even cute.  I have always been the heaviest of my closest family and friends. As a child it amounted to being 1 clothes size bigger than those my age. But hearing other's comments I thought I was just the fattest thing ever. I recently looked at some old photos and thought I wasnt that large. I even looked normal. In the eye

aperson

aperson

 

Failing at leadership

I think it is time to give up this job. I never should have taken it in the first place. I thought I was stepping out on faith and out of my comfort zone but I wasnt ready and I never should have done it. I gave it 2 years and I have been messing up more and more. At this point I dont even care anymore.  I am stressed more and more each day and I am starting to hate coming in to work every day. I am not even putting in the effort anymore. I have cried at work more in the past 2 years than I

aperson

aperson

 

Did it really happen?

Aside from the time I spend just reliving the past and being down on myself for what happened. There is also the time I spend trying to erase doubt about what happened. Because I was young when most of it happened and the others involved were minors (teens but minors still) it has been a lingering doubt that what happened was typical exploration. Maybe, just maybe, they really meant no harm but were just trying to understand their own bodies. Maybe, just maybe, my lack of resistance implied sone

aperson

aperson

 

Nothing has really changed

Potential trigger warning due to an unsafe situation. No violence.   It has always been very important to me that I feel safe. I need to feel safe in my surroundings and safe with those I talk to. Feeling unsafe causes immediate retreating in myself. With that being said, I realized that when it comes to being in a situation that feels unsafe, I have not made many strides to control it. I can say this because I was in this situation a few weeks back. I havent told anyone about it becau

aperson

aperson

 

Sanity Check Day is Needed ( TW)

So I skipped work today. Mentally, I just couldnt do it today. Mentally, I was worlds away from the work stuff. When it gets to this point, work is not an escape. It is another thing I am required to do that I just dont want to do. I give less and less to it until I break. Today was the breaking. It also was not enough. TRIGGER WARNING Daily I get these images of what happened. It plays mostly as 5 second clips. I feel the touches. I see my face and theirs. I see a monster in them even

aperson

aperson

 

Does it define me?

How do you heal from something you are unable to express? I started in this group hoping that being a faceless name on a screen would give me the safety I needed to express myself. I had hoped it would allow me to freely say what I had been holding on to for so long. It would reduce the depression and suicidal thoughts that haunt me. I thought I would finally lift the mask of happiness to reveal real happiness but it hasnt. I had hope. Nearly 10 years later and I still feel like I am wearing the

aperson

aperson

 

Triggers

Sometimes I forget the many triggers that I have. Storms, kids, food color and textures, smells, touch, emotions. Today's is storms. I generally make it through the others with minor aches and pain. Storms is the one that breeds instant anxiety. I dont even understand why. It has been an issue for as far as I can remember. As a child I can remember curling up in a ball at the thunder and lightning. Even in college, I would seek a quiet room with no windows. Someone would come sit with me seeing

aperson

aperson

 

Adventures in babysitting

So my sister and I  volunteered to keep my younger cousins. They are 2 and 3. Great age because they are mostly potty trained, talking and cute-ish. The following happened after dinner. No children, adults or feelings were. 2yrold Z is walking from bathroom holding her shirt. No pants. No underwear. 'I poo' she says.  No big deal. 'Go get your bag' I say. Then she bends over and has a big glob of poop in her butt. My sister is laughing uncontrollably. 'Z go to the bathroom'. She goes to the

aperson

aperson

 

Happy Thoughts

It is a cool 70 outside. A great break from the hot, sticky, cant breathe heat.  A yarn stash. I am working towards a full room. Organized and full of every yarn possible. Crochet. My saving grace many days. Best thing YouTube taught me. Logan the dog. The 5 month old lab. The biter. Really nibnling cuz he is still a pup and just being playful. When I finally took some time off work and dropped my niece at school. Our routine is to say have a good day to each other. She say h

aperson

aperson

 

Staying centered

I dont really know what to do with this. Maybe it should be a free writing excercise. Let the thoughts flow as they come. So, take 1. The last couple of months has been a blur. My grandmother is resting peacefully. I hope she is proud of who I am becoming. It is still a process for my dad. He and my sister have moments that they still grieve visibly. It is difficult for them to talk about her or see her pictures. I find her picture comforting in a way especially when I see her with her grea

aperson

aperson

 

Out of Patience

I am giving fair warning to everyone. I. Am. Out. Of. Patience. I have none. Dont try to fool me. My mouth is bad today. If I sad it offensively. You can be damn sure I meant that way. And yes I will repeat it as many times as you need. It wont be any prettier. Just leave me the hell alone. 

aperson

aperson

 

She is gone.

This morning, while we sat with our grandma, she took her last breath. I made one of the hardest calls I have made so far in life. I called my dad to tell him she was gone. But he knew before I could get the words out. At 0623, she left us. She  went peacefully and without pain.  Before he got there, I straightened her clothes and cleaned her face. I told her that we would all be ok. I know she is in heaven now one of my new guardian angels. When my dad came I stayed near by in case he need

aperson

aperson

 

Missing her already

Today is a sad sobering day. My grandmother is at the end of her days. I have known this day would come. I have been trying to mentally prepare myself. She had a great life. Even on her last 'aware' day she was smiling and laughing. Then she just stopped. She is a God-fearing woman. She is my country grandma. She lived a full life without all the modern conveniences. She had TV but only watched the news. She spent her time gardening and loving those around her. She may not have given you the shi

aperson

aperson

 

Failed Plans

Its after midnight. Less than 2 hours sleep since Sunday. I am running on fumes but I have to keep trying to move forward. I have to keep moving forward. I have to keep trying. I have to come up with a solution to this problem. Right now all I have is tunnel vision on the problem. All I can seeis how big this has gotten and I dont know where to start. The obvious is to take the first step but I am terrified and anxious. My heart races at the thought. How do I even begin? My thought is to sa

aperson

aperson

 

Its been awhile

I havent given up on this but every time I tried to write I was full of shame. I couldnt allow it to be seen by anyone.  I still cant. People say you shouldnt feel ashamed, Its not your fault, It happens to many people. I say I hear you but those words dont take the shame away. They somehow only increase the panic and anxiety. I have to breathe deeply to drive off the impending panic attack. I said it once before but I diminished the issue. Made it sound much better than it was...is. I

aperson

aperson

 

........

I havent been feeling much like writing lately. I am finding it hard to put any thoughts in the open and put words to my feelings. It is having the normal affect of driving into a depressive state and isolating myself further. Neither of which is very productive to trying to live a stable life.  I made this hoping that the words would start again. Writing my thoughts and feelings are my strong point. Right now, I have nothing to say and am drained by it all.

aperson

aperson

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