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Entries in this blog

Dear Little One

Dear Little One, I know you are afraid and confused. I want you to know that is ok. You have some memories that you dont understand. They are very hard to understand for someone so young. Some people hurt you. You were too young to know how to handle it. You are not to blame. When your daddy was acting strange, it was not him. It was the drugs. Because they always taught you to be strong and protect your sister and brother, you did what you had to. You hid them so they were safe. You c

aperson

aperson

Forgiveness...

Forgiveness  I am told starts with me. Once I forgive myself then I can forgive those who caused me me pain. I never quite understood what I should forgive myself for. It is difficult for me to feel as if I made an error that caused such an affect and I am supposed to wash the slate clean. That is supposed to remove the guilt and shame I feel. That is supposed to help me open lines of communication that dont exist now. Tonight someone said (not to me) you were a child. Forgive yourself for not k

aperson

aperson

Looking forward to the weekend

It's just after 1am and I feel wide awake. Trying not to replay all the day, week year events. Looking for better ways to handle situations. Contemplating future situations and all the possible ways to handle them. That's my daily routine...working out all the should haves, would haves and could haves. Things that wont change what's happened. But it cant be stopped. I imagine what my brain would look like if all the thoughts took a physical form. I imagine that it is an organized, cluttered mess

aperson

aperson

Coasting into Wednesday

The last 2 days have been blah. They were not bad days and there weren't necessarily great days either. I have tried to step back a little bit at work. The stress was mounting and there was no end in sight. Attitude reflects leadership and I am sure my teams attitude in many ways reflects the negative tone I have at times fighting one battle at work after another. It would be nice if they take on some of the positive qualities too like going to work every day on time and giving your all  So I am

aperson

aperson

Day ???? (I lost count)

My sister and I took my niece to the zoo. She hasnt been in a few years. I want her to have a nice of possible. The weather was nice. Warm enough to stay out but cool enough to be tolerable. She had a great time. She loves most animals and learning.  It was a good temporary distraction from my troubled thoughts. Will have to figure out the next weekend plan. Water pad? Park? Movie?  I am preparing mentally for tomorrow. Not sure I can pull off what I need but I have to try. Maybe start

aperson

aperson

Is it me?

I think I need to reduce my interactions with people. Maintain minimal contact as required. The problem isnt the world. The problem is me. My negative outlook. My resistance to change. My lack of social skills. The problem is I project it in my face and body and everyone seems to react to it. Continuing to force a situation is just adding further to the problem. Even when I am trying not to cause an issie, it is met with defensiveness. While I hoped that I had improved over the last 20+ yea

aperson

aperson

Just gotta hang in there

This has been a very trying week. My mind has been spinning a thousand thoughts a minute. I am stressed and sleep deprived. Since Sunday, I have gotten 6 hours of sleep. Emotionally, I am on the edge. I lost the ability to control them when one of my managers insinuated that we were no being proactive enough to deal with an ongoing issue. An issue where our hands a pretty well tied. An issue where the people I supervise are tired and worn out. They are in some cases overworked and underpaid and

aperson

aperson

Mondays suck

Mondays suck. May sucks. 2017 sucks. Tuesday has to be better. That's all I got today.

aperson

aperson

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has almost ended in the US. I am glad to see it go. While my mama and I have our issues, this isnt my problem with the day. Because I am involved in the lives of my nieces, nephews and some cousins people assume that I appreciate being wished a Happy Mother's Day. Why in the world would I appreciate that? I am not their parent. Their parents are alive and well. I assume the role I should take. I am an aunt but they rely on their mother. I am a cousin but the day to day work belongs

aperson

aperson

Day 5...end of a long work week

This has beena trying work week. Honestly its been a trying year. Every day is a new challenge and then there are those that never go away.  30 people who require managing, discipling and ecouragement. The encouragement was and is a hard one for me. It doesnt fit my task based personality. There is one who is especially challenging. She is an emotinal lady. She lacks confidence, self-esteem and is emotional to a high degree. She used to come in my office once a week and break down in tears

aperson

aperson

Day 2....

Today was a bit rough. Monday is the busiest day of the work week for me and this Monday was no different. Much of my morning was spent babysitting adults to do their job and stop wasting time. The say I am intimidating because I have a poker face. i show little emotion, good or bad. They never know what to expect from me so they are always on alert. I on the other hand am trying to find the most gentle voice and non-threatening words to address performance issues. Somehow, there is always one p

aperson

aperson

Am I Enough?

As I lay here waiting on sleep to find me, that question comes to mind. Am I enough? Am I sufficient as I am to be acceptable as a friend, daughter, sister? Am I enough as a co-worker?  My short answer is no. The longer answer is I feel seriously flawed. I dont feel like I am alone in that but it still exists. There are skills I never picked up. I never learned it. I never had a chance to apply it. I never learned to be a friend. To understand what that even means. I dont think it means I a

aperson

aperson

Intro...

I have been contemplating reinstating my journaling. It was helpful to calm my mind at night so I can rest. Because of nosey family, a handwritten journal (which I love) is not an option. Then I saw this. Worried at first. It means my thoughts are seen by strangers who can respond. I had to realize the benefits outweigh the negatives. I am hoping to do this daily, good and bad. I am hoping I can look back and see actual progress one day. I am hoping to find a voice for those things I cant m

aperson

aperson

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