This has been a very trying week. My mind has been spinning a thousand thoughts a minute. I am stressed and sleep deprived. Since Sunday, I have gotten 6 hours of sleep. Emotionally, I am on the edge. I lost the ability to control them when one of my managers insinuated that we were no being proactive enough to deal with an ongoing issue. An issue where our hands a pretty well tied. An issue where the people I supervise are tired and worn out. They are in some cases overworked and underpaid and not feeling valued. I get it. I have been there.
The manager pushed the right button after 30 mins. I expressed my opinion and the tears rolled. He came to apologize later but the damage was done in my eyes. It was not his questioning but the lack of control I had. I knew I was at my limit.I should have left when the thought first crossed my mind. But I didnt. The rest was inevitable. He did call my manager to say what happened. She was pissed. She told me when I came in today she just knew I was quitting. I told herit was ok and he really said nothing terrible. I also told her she should know me better. I would necer abandon my job that way. I ask my agents to place their emotions and issues to the side to accomplish a task because thats life. I have never asked them to do something I would. I work long 50 a week and am there every day fighting the battles in my head. I care about what I do and the progress that can be seen from it. I want the same from them.
Yes, I am tired. Yes, I am stressed. But this is life. I have sh!t to deal with and fight a battle with myself daily. I question my ability. I wrestle with making a decision that could be career ending. I try to be impartial even to those I wouldnt deal with personally. I try to be nice when I just want a corner to hide in. But they would never know. They wouldnt know the days I didnt eat so my niece and nephew could. They dont know that I was wondering how we would pay a bill or get gas for work. That mh sisters ex pulled a gun on her. Or that we had to call police for a physical altercation. That I stayed up all night with a sick niece. That inside I was dying.
So it is safe to say I am struggling to maintain. I have avoided many interactions to keep the peace. I closed my ears to the negativity and complaining because they dont see they are not the only ones. I turned some music hoping the thoughts would get distracted and dance or sing along. I struggle to truly be open because the world can see. I struggle to put the emotions out there because I will be weak. Because who else is lurking in the shadows to use it against me. I feel like Elsa in Frozen. Conceal, dont feel.