Dear Little One,
I know you are afraid and confused. I want you to know that is ok. You have some memories that you dont understand. They are very hard to understand for someone so young. Some people hurt you. You were too young to know how to handle it. You are not to blame.
When your daddy was acting strange, it was not him. It was the drugs. Because they always taught you to be strong and protect your sister and brother, you did what you had to. You hid them so they were safe. You called for help even if it didnt come quickly. He left you all alone and hungry. When you thought he would be violent you got the 3 of you to safety and just in time. When help came it was hours later. He had come back home and still high. He didnt care about your safety. You didnt cry but it was ok if you did. It is ok if you do now. You were terrified and not protected. You were left to deal with a very grownup problem. You did well. You are safe now.
Those other memories are a bit more tricky. I know you see them and you dont understand what they are doing to you. You just know that feels wrong. You thought it would stop but it didnt. It just stopped with him. Others took his place. They did more things the older you got and the more your body develop. Each of them took something from you. You still knew it felt wrong. By now, you thought it was normal. You thought everyone did this but no one talked about it. So you didnt fight it. You did try to avoid it. You shyed away from people especially them.
If no one ever told you listen to me. It is not your fault. You are not to blame for what they did to you. You are not to blame for the number of times it happened or number of people. You are not to blame for not fighting. I know this is hard to accept. You do not have to feel guilty or angry because you could have done it differently. You did the best you could. How could anyone expect someone so young to handle what you went through? Would you blame anyone else?
I am sorry that you have felt so alone for so long. I am sorry even I placed such adult expectations on you. Forgive me for my actions. Forgive yourself for the blame. Forgive them because they were ill and needed help. Forgive yourself for what happened with your brother.
Know that I am here. I committ myself to taking care of you. To hold you when you are scared or feel alone. To provide strength when you feel weak.
This is the letter I would have wanted to get from the trapped youngest version of myself. It is hard for me to believe but should be said. The youngest part of me cries from these words but is cautious. One day she may understand and believe it. Now how do I comfort the teenage me? She is less forgiving of herself and others.