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Day 2....


aperson

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Today was a bit rough. Monday is the busiest day of the work week for me and this Monday was no different. Much of my morning was spent babysitting adults to do their job and stop wasting time. The say I am intimidating because I have a poker face. i show little emotion, good or bad. They never know what to expect from me so they are always on alert. I on the other hand am trying to find the most gentle voice and non-threatening words to address performance issues. Somehow, there is always one person that needs to challenge me that day. on a good day, they get an apology. On a bad day they get cussed out without using a single cuss word in my 'mama tone'. Maybe I need to work a little harder on that. The rest is spent trying to explain how my group may have to pay a penalty for not meeting our goal even though we are busier than we should be this time of year. I am ready to skip May and move to June. Tomorrow will be a smaller version of today with added interviews for open positions to be filled. I ask myself daily why in the world did I apply for this position? I could have stayed in my comfort zone and succeeded. Oh, I wanted to challenge myself. I wanted to prove to myself I could do it even though everybody else believed I could. Not sure which one of us is eating crow. Either way it is a heaping plate full for sure.

After work, I got so caught up in talking, I accidentally burned my niece. That one hurt me. It is 6 hours later and she still doesnt quite trust me or believe it was an accident. That makes it sting just a little bit more. The burn is small and does not require doctor's care but I am being extra careful with her. She could probably ask me for a million dollars right now and I would give it to her. I can just hear her telling her teacher now. My sister would probably kill me if the school sends DHS to our house.

As for the mental state, that is so-so. It has been one of those days where I just dont feel right. I am sure that there is a cause. Have been watching shows with 'accidental' triggers. There is a trigger I am trying to ignore because I am not prepared to put to paper yet. It is sensitive for me and will likely lead down a dark road that I am just not wanting to go down. One day, it will hit me I am sure. It just cannot be today. Stuffing things as usual. I am fairly decent at it. I can pile on a lot of things before the damn breaks. LOL It will be the littlest thing that sets me off. Someone will call my name and I just wont like the way they same it. Completely harmless for them but like fire to me. Maybe this will help with that as well. Letting me release even the small things daily so they do not build and fester inside of me. Then no major sh!t storms on unsuspecting people. No need to release what others call my 3rd personality. The evil b!&^h. This is my anger and hate-filled side that no one seems to want to see. I have done well in keeping that part under wraps and well maintained.

Well....on to Tuesday and the joy it will bring. Here is to going to sleep before 3am.

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