Forgiveness I am told starts with me. Once I forgive myself then I can forgive those who caused me me pain. I never quite understood what I should forgive myself for. It is difficult for me to feel as if I made an error that caused such an affect and I am supposed to wash the slate clean. That is supposed to remove the guilt and shame I feel. That is supposed to help me open lines of communication that dont exist now. Tonight someone said (not to me) you were a child. Forgive yourself for not know what you did not know. Uh?? I should forgive the young girl for not knowing how to handle the adult situation before her? Why? Because part of the blame I give to that little girl comes from my adult mind's processing. That little girl was lost and afraid. As I got older, I understood what should have happened but that little girl didnt.
I should allow the little girl to free herself from the shackles of having to have an adult mind when she wasnt capable of doing so. I should forgive myself for not having developed appropriate coping skills because all I was thought was to conceal anything bad. I should stop blaming her for not being strong enough when she hadnt learned her own strength. She was just trying to figure it out when that happened. Forgive myself for being angry that she wasnt strong enough.
In forgiving myself, I would be letting the hold it has over me. I would be able reconcile a broken and shattered person. I would be able to give voice to that which is currently silent. While I am sayng this now, I am still in conflict. Part of me says yes I should do this. A equal part of me says I cannot and I musr be an idiot to try. It all seems so simple. It feels 'idealistic'. In truth there is some hard work behind those words and it all has to be believed. That's difficult as I dont know if I believe it even as I write it.
So that is the question of the night. Can I forgive myself? The jury is still out on this.