I have done a pretty poor job of making daily entries. Some days have been more difficult than I planned on. Some thoughts have been a lot harder to put in a private public forum. Finding words to express the inner chaos has been trying to say the least.
The current theme has been sadness and shame. Sadness is a common daily theme. It never goes away. Planning for a future while trying to come to terms with a past makes a lot of mistakes and errors. Why? The future sometimes is hard to see. Some days future is getting to the next hour. It is hard trying to mask feelings all day and being overwhelmed with them at night. Waking to start over again. Shame. No matter how much I think or someone says I should feel no shame I still do. I get much of it is due to me looking at it from what I know now not then. If I was talking to someone else, I could lay out all the reasons to support what I am saying. For me, there are 'special' rules. I hold myself to a higher standard. It may not be logical to some but it makes sense to me. Most times. There is the physical 'scar' that I see daily. It is one I thought I had begun to heal but that was an illusion. I realize that it has always been an issue. One I can temporarily handle but will always haunt me. How many others see it? I wonder if they will confront me on it? If they do, what will I do? Run. Cry. Hide.
I am in need of some 'me' time. Time to myself where I can let the emotions surface without fear of being caught and having to explain. Time to organize my mind. Time to refocus and try to gain some positive feelings back. Wish me luck.