TRIGGER WARNING FOR DEATH/GRIEF

My mother is gone and it is so hard to believe that right now. She went peacefully with her kids and husband by her side. We held on to the hope that additional treatment would give her time to heal her body but when we saw her in person, we realized that the only thing that was keeping her here were the machines that were breathing for her. I have so many conflicting emotions about that and a lot of guilt about how I handled the situation from the time she was ill until we got her treatment. My mind tells me I did all that I could to get her to go but my heart says I could have done so much more.

When I think back to the first day she wasnt feeling well, and what I did to try and help her I allowed myself to relax. She was running a fever for just a day but the next day she was ok and I thought it is just a cold. She is up a bit more and moving around and she is eating something. But the next day she declined again. It was the weekend and I couldnt get her to the dr and she was refusing to go to the ER. I regret that so much. I can usually get her to go but because it was just fatigue and she had been feeling that way to some extent since her strokes she blew it off. When it got worse I did get her to ER on Monday but they sent her home. She wasnt sick enough then. When Tues came she said she felt worse but she wanted to wait for her dr followup the next day. I should have gotten her to go then.

After she was gone, her sisters kind of expressed how they felt left out of the process. Individually I talked to them. I needed them to see where we were coming from especially with the whole take her her phone so she can hear our voices. As it turned out, the hospital wouldnt have even allowed it because of her state of mind when admitted and because she was later sedated. We attempted to get a phone to her for another reason and they declined stating they didnt want to be held responsible for it. It also turned out to be a good thing because eventually the hospital said they would allow us to FaceTime her but they only had an iPad. My mother was the only one locally that had an Apple product. I use to tease her about being the only one for so long but I guess she knew what she was doing. Because she did that, it was the only way until the last day that we could have talked to her and seen her. I think the only thing that hurt me in my talks with my aunts is that one said she was upset with me because I told her she couldnt come down and help take care of her. I recall the conversation right after y mom's 2nd stroke and what I heard and what she meant were 2 different things. Mama would say if she is ok then they dont need to come down for a day to lay eyes on her and see for themselves. That is how I took my aunt's request. She just wanted to see for herself. It wasnt made clear that she wanted to come and assist with after-care. But the thing that hurt was that she said she could have done a better job than I. That stung. It was honest of her but it hurt. It hurt because they didnt trust us and it hurt because I already felt like I hadnt done enough. There is one thing about feeling like you failed. It is another for someone to confirm that you failed. I dont think I will ever tell them that I feel that way ling before they thought it. I just pray that my mom knows we only did what we knew how to do and to the limits we felt we could take it without pushing her away from us. My aunts never have to know that I agree that I failed her in the situation that mattered the most.

We jsut never thought this would be us. All 3 of us in our early and mid-40s and our mom gone at 61. Every waking thought is filled with her. Every non-waking thought is of her. If I am not actively doing a task I am crying or trying not to cry. Being in her home is painful. Being around her siblings is painful. Being on Facebook which is the only social media she has is painful. Talking to her friends is painful. I know that it is still knew. it has been almost 48 hours since she passed away and it is all just too much as the days go on. The closer we get to it, the less I want to have anything to do with it. I just want to call the whole thing off and tell them we will hold a private ceremony with my siblings and her spouse to get her buried. But I also realize that is extremely selfish of me and just part of my emotions  on how to try and handle this without a full nervous breakdown. Every day is some little thing that some one needs to know for something. I no longer want to have to make these decisions. I just want to see a final draft and give stamp of approval.

It is hard just processing what I am feeling aside from sadness and guilt. Trying to console other people is hard. Trying to comfort myself is hard. Finding a reason to not curl in a ball for the rest of y days is hard. Eating and drinking is hard. Sleeping is useless. I go to bed crying and I wake up crying. And then there are those random moments you think you will be ok but some little thing comes up and I am crying. Today's first little thing was what to put her name down as on the programs and the plot. Yesterday it was seeing my aunt. No reason that these things should have been a problem but they were/are. There will be another. Many of my family have changed their profile pic on social media to her alone or her with them. Those are painful and I am limiting my time on there. I want to thank everyone who has offered their support but there are no words that I have to express that and I just cant say it. There is nothing wrong iwth it but I just cant put that in writing. 

I have her cell phone. I want to call it but she didnt put her voice on her voicemail. I have a voicemail from her 2 days before she went in hospital. I listened once and cried but I cant delete it because of how weak she sounded. I dont know how I am supposed to do any of this. There is so much I hope she knew that I never got a chance to say. There is so much I should have told her but didnt because of my own pride and ego. She has her first grandchild on the way and she will never get to see and hold him and he will never get to know how much she loved him even though she never saw him. 

This just not real. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare but that never happens. I wish that someone was playing a very cruel joke and she would call but that hasnt happened either. I would be pissed but to know she is still here and doing ok I would forgive them. None of that seems to be happening. Every day that goes by just cements that this is life now. Somehow we are supposed to go on living life without one of the most important people in our lives. I dont know how that is possible. 

I am tired. My eyes are puffy and red fro crying all the time. I am trying to keep strong for the rest but even that is starting to falter. I prayed for her to be well. I negotiated me for her. I begged her to keep fighting. I begged God to help her. I promised that I would be a better person if she could remain here to live the rest of her life. All rejected.  People always ask how are you and it seems like the stupidest question ever. The dont really want to hear the truth. They just want to hear I am ok. Then they can continue in their own grief. So I give them what they need to feel like they have helped in some way knowing that it is a lie but there is nothing they can do to help. Unless they can bring her back.