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What I didnt know is it takes a lifetime


aperson

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When I heard about people healing from trauma, they made it sound like a journey with an end. You reflected and learned and grew as a person. You learned forgiveness and healthier habits. What they didnt say or I never heard, is that healing is ongoing. It begins from the moment the trauma ends until the day you die. 

I never heard them say that even when you think you have made it past the large hurdles, hurdles pop up all the time. Sometimes they are small. They show in the form of brief triggers that you work through. They show up in larger hurdles that are sometime unexpected. You have a nightmare that triggers a flashback that spirals you into a hole. Sometimes it is brief other times it lasts for days. I wasnt prepared for that.

I thought at the beginning of this I would get counseling and get healed. When that didnt work I thought I am just not ready to get past the trauma. So years later I tried again and failed again. No sweat right? Keep going. Third time is the charm? Yeah it's not going so well either. In many ways I think this time is worse. The steps I took to grow seem to be falling to the waste side. I actually think there is more regression than progression now. Not quite what I bought in to. 

So I battle with keeping it up or just giving up. I am not prepared for a lifetime and am still hoping for the magic they told me about before. I stopped thinking it would be a year or 2 and am ok with a 5 year plan. What I have not come to terms with is a til I die plan. I am not sure my sanity can handle that battle. I am not prepared for having peace and then fighting battles with it. That feels like it where I am now except there is no peace. Every day is a battle to control the thoughts and urges. A lot of the times I lose. I am tired of losing.

Not sure what to do now. I guess I have to come to terms with this before I do anything else. Just not sure how or where to start. 

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