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my story

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About this blog

here is where i will post stuff regarding my assault as a way to express myself without having to talk to anyone i know

Entries in this blog

we'll see how this goes

this weekend i am visiting a friend at a college an hour a way from me and one of my guy friends will be there. we will have to sleep on the floor together. i guess it will be a test run and see how i do around guys. i am nervous and scared. the last time i slept next to him he kept rolling over on top of me in his sleep. god knows what ill do if i wake up to that now. 

lanie

lanie in journaling

i tried

today i went to the counseling center and got waitlisted until the end of the year, possibly even next year. so that was pointless. I went to the dining hall for the first time since it happened. i was paranoid the whole time and i couldn't relax. i was on edge the whole time. i felt like i was on the look out the whole time. i had to leave because i felt sick. i ended up having an anxiety attack when i got back to my room. but i tried. i really did. im trying to make big steps in little time be

lanie

lanie in ?

.

i had my first nightmare about him. its been about two weeks so i don't know why they are just starting now. my depression is getting bad again. i haven't showered in two days,i am isolating myself,  i don't eat, i don't sleep, i dont care if i go to class or get a bad grade. i feel numb, like im going through the motions. i thought of hurting myself like i used to but im almost 5 years clean. its so tempting but i know im stronger than that. i feel sick a lot. all my friends keep saying "sorry

lanie

lanie in ?i

a letter to him pt 2

fuck you. you ruined me. you broke me and i dont know how to fix it. i was a damn fool to have ever trusted you. you make me feel weak. i hate you. i hate everything about you. i hate myself. i hate that i have to live with a body you touched. how do you live with yourself? do you even know what you did was wrong? are you aware you ruined my entire life? Are you?  how am i supposed to live like this

lanie

lanie in rant

does the fear ever go away?

every time i leave my dorm building, i cant breathe. I cant really be around anyone. I have cancelled plans with three people this week because i don't have the energy and I dont want to see them. whenever i am walking to class I feel like he is about to pop up behind me or he is following me. when i hear foot steps behind me I will walk out of my way to make sure that whoever is behind me isnt following me. my heart drops when i hear people near me for the sheer fact it could be him.  i keep th

lanie

lanie in ?

its so hard

it so hard to be around my friends because they love to talk about boys and it makes me really uncomfortable talking about men. I hate talking about men but at the same time I am still attractive to men and it feels like i am betraying myself, heart, mind, body, and my soul by feeling that. Its so hard to talk to my mom because she constantly tells me to work out but I cant because he  is always at the gym and I cant afford a membership. its so hard to eat because I cant go to the dining hall be

lanie

lanie in rant

a letter to him

this is what you know I went to your room willingly I said yes at first I changed my mind I pushed you away you didnt stop i finally left here's what you dont know I cant sleep i cant wear my dads oversized tshirts to bed anymore i cant wear shorts around guys I cant go to the dining hall in fear of seeing you i cant go to the gym because you work out 24/7 i cant breathe when i think of being with someone else ever again i can

lanie

lanie in rant

confusion and frustration

Today i was picking up trash with my roommate on our way back to our room from our walk to get me out of bed when this guy who was running stopped by the trash can we were at to put on his shirt while we were throwing away the trash. we kept making eye contact and he was really good looking. my body obviously felt attracted to him but my mind and heart  felt disgusting for being attracted to someone so soon after my assault. I feel like I am betraying myself which I feel is stupid. when i think

lanie

lanie in rant

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