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howlieowl

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    411
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About howlieowl

  • Rank
    Growth & Evolution is my Happiness

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    California
  • Interests
    drawing, reading, baking, basketball, working out, long walks, interested in peace:-)

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Recent Profile Visitors

3,027 profile views
  1. Revelation

    Im sitting up the night before my first therapy appt. (again), can't sleep so I'm reading articles from the day. I come across this https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/06/13/sarah-mcbride-gay-survivors-helped-launch-me-too-but-rates-lgbt-abuse-largely-overlooked/692094002/ and i felt it touched home for me. now i know i shouldn't be reading this stuff, which i didn't in a way. it was more the headline spoke to me of my situation. it wasn't long after i came out in college that my r*** happened. the people in my circle knew and were cool with it, though i will say this sorority i thought about joining was homophobic so i passed. nevertheless, for the most part i was accepted. the guy who did what he did asked me that night if it was true that i was gay then proceed to i guess prove if it was true or not. even as my previous therapist told me that is what probably happened, i still couldn't believe it, nor accept it. but seeing this headline set off a light bulb in my head. sometimes things need to be heard from more than one source before the mind can accept the truth.
  2. Beginning Again...

    Well its been a very long while. Have to say Ive been avoiding being on here for many reasons. I got to a good place and felt I didn't need to be on here much. As with many things, my past came back. I admit I handled some areas better than I thought. For example, Ive always had this issue with bullies, not standing up for myself. Well before I started my new job (which I left because the guy there was a perv to women, especially teenage girls), I asked for a similar situation. I asked for it because I wanted a chance to have another opportunity to stand up for myself in the face of adversity. I have to say when you put your energy out to the universe, things do come true. Well, I got my wish. It was easy to see the similarities, not just with my past employers, but also with my birth mother. Long story short, I faced two people at once with patience, courage, and fearlessness. I felt 1000x better. I was and am proud of myself. I now know I can stand up for myself and be bold. Trouble came with the SA area. This has been my most difficult area to resolve thus the reason I haven't been on here much. It is triggering for me to see so many post about SA and r***. I don't know how to get through that other than to just stay away. But, I miss the connections Ive formed on here at the same time. Then I feel like sh*t for not being there for others when they have been there for me. *deep sigh* So my best solution is to go back into therapy. This is make therapist number 7. This part is becoming tiring. Having to tell the stories all over again. Some say its therapeutic to say it out loud but for me it make me feel sh*ttier. But, I know its apart of the process of healing is being able to talk about it. So, I will try to make a conscious effort to come on here more and maybe to blog it out until I start therapy. Avoid all the triggering stuff, stay connected and work slowly. On this journey, I am at step 1 again in the SA category but may steps ahead in others. See ya on the next steps.
  3. I'm wondering if I'm being stand-offish lately. Not so much with people i meet offline but with being on here. Ive just been having this feeling of not wanting to participate in general discussions. Im still struggling with my past but when i log on i find myself sitting in front of the screen watching the curser blink. The part of me that used to get on and read post seems very reluctant to do so and i don't know why. i miss the interactions I've had with the people I've met here. I'm stuck. at times i begin to type something then erase it and log off. maybe going back into therapy will help but I'm at a point where i feel i don't need therapy. i feel I'm at a good place to try and self-heal and with baby steps I've been doing okay. I'm standing up for myself better. I'm recognizing my triggers and working on the ones that should be worked on and avoiding the ones that i need to avoid. the memories are always there, that will never change, though i hope they will fade with time. but, I'm scared of the possibility i may not need this site like i used to. i believe that is the real reason i don't feel like logging on much anymore. one person ill never lie to is myself and I'm well aware of the fact that i haven't needed to be on here for my own healing as much as i did when i signed on. so, my next step in life is to work on being able to give the same support i was given when i was on here. i can't say i am there yet. but i am hoping for small steps in this next step in my healing evolution.
  4. Hi there!

    hi @purplessorry for what has brought you here. i do hope you find much comfort and support with the members. wish you all the best on your journey in healing.
  5. I am new

    hello @Hecate. im sorry for what has brought you here. i do hope you find much comfort and support from the members.
  6. Reliving to Heal

    ive been in a stretch with not thinking too much about my past. ive been reliving it somewhat recently. ive had encounters with difficult people, facing rejection, standing up for myself against those i normally cower from. the list continues. sometimes im successful, sometimes im not. i do know that by facing those similar events again, i do feel a little better after. the encounters when im uncomfortable around certain men hasnt changed. still feel frozen and scared and that fear locks on strong. im still struggling with my temper as well. im having reliving to deal with a mean and difficult person. typically i avoid because i dont want to deal with those types of people. but, im learning that it didnt work in the past because sometimes difficult people will be in your life. example, do i avoid going to starbucks because the one barista is an ass? do i avoid my favorite eatery because the one server was rude? i can still get a coffee and if i feel they are being an ass, step and acknowledge it. i cant keep running. i can handle what i can in small steps but avoiding is not working anymore. its leading to me adding to my rage and if not controlled it could be unleashed on the wrong person. but, ive found when i address the issues in the moment, it doesnt stay with me. and i think this leads to me not having to relive my past so much.
  7. How to change

    this was awesome. I really needed to read this and every point resonated with me. great blog
  8. How To Believe

    thank you @limbodante. ill definitely give it a try.
  9. How To Believe

    do you believe youre strong? do you believe youre beautiful? dont you believe your smart, intelligent? these are just some questions ive been asked many times. inside i answer with an obvious no. but i tell people, "i guess" or "i dont know". or ill cover it up by pretending to be cocky with "of course"! i dont believe any of it. somewhere along the line in my life my belief in self, people, or anything died. rarely do i remember being told i was beautiful. when i got As, sure i was told i was smart. but getting a B or C, . i believed in my birth mother, epic fail. i believed i could tell her anything like she said and/or she would listen, epic fail. i believed she would be there for me like she said, epic fail. i believed so many things she said and did, i became charlie brown trying to kick the football from lucy and every single time watching as the football is snatched away and i fall flat. the worst of it is the lost of belief in self. i cannot for the life of me believe i am beautiful. i can say the words, maybe even find something i like about myself. but, i dont look in the mirror, see myself and believe i am. im grateful when i am told by non-creepy people. it helps with self-confidence to some extent. but, i dont see what they see. overall i get the feeling the abuse has totally ruined my belief in self. the lack of reassurance from one of the most influential figures in a young womans life, a mother, does not set oneself up for success in belief in self. the need for validation is sometimes sought externally instead of KNOWING internally. i wonder do i not believe because it would help me to be less attractive to others. kind of like hiding in plain site. and how does someone believe? ive heard "just say youre beautiful over and over and it will be true". im sorry but wtf. i get it but i dont get it. for example, i can say im smart, i know i am smart because ive seen outcomes not just from exams but finished projects etc. this helps me believe a little bit. but here is the limitation, if its not perfect, i dont believe no matter how many times i say it. so, how does it work? whats even more weird is i believe in others i care about more than myself. i wish, hope, and believe they will have better. are my expectations for myself too low? is this what is preventing me from seeing the beauty that which is Sheena? hell if i know. i DO know currently i believe i will wake up and after little sleep as usual. i believe i will walk through my day with flashbacks on what happened to me all day as usual. do i want to change those, absolutely. every night before i lay my head down, i ask for a peaceful night. one where i dont wake up almost every hour. so far over 20 years and no luck. do i need to stop believing and become more realistic? i dont know. i want to get to that place where i can walk down the street knowing i am the shit because i am beautiful, smart, talented, and just down right awesome. is it attainable, i think so. belief is hard yet i still want to keep trying.
  10. Then the Surgeon Said

    you, your future, your awesome little man are some bright spots. this will be beaten. shed your tears to cleanse the soul to begin anew. your happiness awaits, one more hurdle to leap. always with you
  11. hello all!

    hello and welcome. i hope you find much support understanding and comfort here.
  12. Just Want To Be Happy

    Thank you, i appreciate it.
  13. Just Want To Be Happy

    moments like today and previous days re-enforce the feeling that i will be alone. im without my foundation, have been for over two months now. nothing i say or do seems to work at getting her back. i secretly cry but pretend to her face im okay. its hard, very hard, knowing im the reason she doesnt want to be with me. ive been fighting since i was a toddler for love and when ive finally found it, i figured i was safe. but every day ive always had this feeling she would leave. i know im a f up, i know that. ive been trying so hard to be better and she told me if i try she would always be there. yet she cant even sleep next to me at night. i know im not the person she wants to be with, shes told me her ideal woman. me and my problems dont fit the bill. im too much with my past. i guess all that questioning of am i capable of love, well i got my answer. my heart has been breaking for months. but im very good at burying my feelings. im very good at shutting down. i dont know where to go anymore. no friends, no family. she is literally all i have left. just so lost, so tired of pain. why cant anyone love me? what the hell is so wrong with me? i dont have anyone to turn to for comfort. every so called friend, every so called family member is too involved in their own lives to be there for me, not like ive been for them. i got no car, no license, no job, nothing. where can i go? who can i talk to? who will comfort me when the only person i have has pulled away? please, i just want the pain to stop. i just want to be happy.
  14. New and Nervous

    welcome, welcome. i wish you much success and happiness on your journey in healing.
  15. New Over the Rainbow

    i wish you much success on your journey to healing. may you find much support, understanding, and acceptance here.
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