howlieowl

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About howlieowl

  • Rank
    Growth & Evolution is my Happiness
  • Birthday May 20

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    California
  • Interests
    drawing, reading, baking, basketball, working out, long walks, interested in peace:-)

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. this was awesome. I really needed to read this and every point resonated with me. great blog
  2. thank you @limbodante. ill definitely give it a try.
  3. How To Believe

    do you believe youre strong? do you believe youre beautiful? dont you believe your smart, intelligent? these are just some questions ive been asked many times. inside i answer with an obvious no. but i tell people, "i guess" or "i dont know". or ill cover it up by pretending to be cocky with "of course"! i dont believe any of it. somewhere along the line in my life my belief in self, people, or anything died. rarely do i remember being told i was beautiful. when i got As, sure i was told i was smart. but getting a B or C, . i believed in my birth mother, epic fail. i believed i could tell her anything like she said and/or she would listen, epic fail. i believed she would be there for me like she said, epic fail. i believed so many things she said and did, i became charlie brown trying to kick the football from lucy and every single time watching as the football is snatched away and i fall flat. the worst of it is the lost of belief in self. i cannot for the life of me believe i am beautiful. i can say the words, maybe even find something i like about myself. but, i dont look in the mirror, see myself and believe i am. im grateful when i am told by non-creepy people. it helps with self-confidence to some extent. but, i dont see what they see. overall i get the feeling the abuse has totally ruined my belief in self. the lack of reassurance from one of the most influential figures in a young womans life, a mother, does not set oneself up for success in belief in self. the need for validation is sometimes sought externally instead of KNOWING internally. i wonder do i not believe because it would help me to be less attractive to others. kind of like hiding in plain site. and how does someone believe? ive heard "just say youre beautiful over and over and it will be true". im sorry but wtf. i get it but i dont get it. for example, i can say im smart, i know i am smart because ive seen outcomes not just from exams but finished projects etc. this helps me believe a little bit. but here is the limitation, if its not perfect, i dont believe no matter how many times i say it. so, how does it work? whats even more weird is i believe in others i care about more than myself. i wish, hope, and believe they will have better. are my expectations for myself too low? is this what is preventing me from seeing the beauty that which is Sheena? hell if i know. i DO know currently i believe i will wake up and after little sleep as usual. i believe i will walk through my day with flashbacks on what happened to me all day as usual. do i want to change those, absolutely. every night before i lay my head down, i ask for a peaceful night. one where i dont wake up almost every hour. so far over 20 years and no luck. do i need to stop believing and become more realistic? i dont know. i want to get to that place where i can walk down the street knowing i am the shit because i am beautiful, smart, talented, and just down right awesome. is it attainable, i think so. belief is hard yet i still want to keep trying.
  4. you, your future, your awesome little man are some bright spots. this will be beaten. shed your tears to cleanse the soul to begin anew. your happiness awaits, one more hurdle to leap. always with you
  5. hello and welcome. i hope you find much support understanding and comfort here.
  6. Thank you, i appreciate it.
  7. Just Want To Be Happy

    moments like today and previous days re-enforce the feeling that i will be alone. im without my foundation, have been for over two months now. nothing i say or do seems to work at getting her back. i secretly cry but pretend to her face im okay. its hard, very hard, knowing im the reason she doesnt want to be with me. ive been fighting since i was a toddler for love and when ive finally found it, i figured i was safe. but every day ive always had this feeling she would leave. i know im a f up, i know that. ive been trying so hard to be better and she told me if i try she would always be there. yet she cant even sleep next to me at night. i know im not the person she wants to be with, shes told me her ideal woman. me and my problems dont fit the bill. im too much with my past. i guess all that questioning of am i capable of love, well i got my answer. my heart has been breaking for months. but im very good at burying my feelings. im very good at shutting down. i dont know where to go anymore. no friends, no family. she is literally all i have left. just so lost, so tired of pain. why cant anyone love me? what the hell is so wrong with me? i dont have anyone to turn to for comfort. every so called friend, every so called family member is too involved in their own lives to be there for me, not like ive been for them. i got no car, no license, no job, nothing. where can i go? who can i talk to? who will comfort me when the only person i have has pulled away? please, i just want the pain to stop. i just want to be happy.
  8. welcome, welcome. i wish you much success and happiness on your journey in healing.
  9. i wish you much success on your journey to healing. may you find much support, understanding, and acceptance here.
  10. Hi @Disrupted Amazon. I hope you find much peace, comfort, understanding, and happiness here. All the best to you on your healing journey.
  11. hey @Kkhateera, welcome. im sorry for what has brought you. i hope you find peace, comfort, understanding, and happiness on your journey.
  12. welcome @Debbie20. i am very sorry for what happened to you. i hope you find peace, comfort, and understanding being here.
  13. my csa made me feel weak, disgusted, homicidal, suicidal, extreme fear, immense emotional and physical pain, alone, vulnerable, empty, hopeless. my rape made me feel nothing during. before scared, frozen, lost, empty. after i felt shaken, disgusted, physical pain and sore, alone, hopeless. i felt as if no one would believe me because i went to his house. i felt i had to act like it didnt happen otherwise people will see what happened.
  14. Bring Born Again

    so most people will say im crazy for even thinking or believing this but, ive died four times...in my dreams. so i believe that when we dream we experience things outisde this world we live in with other souls. i believe this is why we can recognize someone in reality and not know where you saw them before. so, the first two dreams ive had was years ago but i remember them like it happened two minutes ago. i was standing up to this bully, some guy, and i remember being shot in the chest. i remember feeling the burning sensation, feeling my blood leave my body, feeling my life come to an end as my breathing slowed down. there was no white light, no flashbacks on my life, no moments of regret, no confessionals of undying love. just silence. a stillness, no voices in my head, just stillness. the third time i was in a stadium, the earth was coming to an end. im surrounded with hundreds of people trying to escape this tsunami but the stadium starts to fill with water anyway. there is this preacher trying to calm everyone, helping them ease into the death. my birth family is there (B, my aunt, uncle, cousin and her 3 kids) then everyone panics and tries to run again knowing there is no escape but try anyway. they try to convince me to leave but i stay as well as my uncle. we sit on the steps listening and watching people run as the water rises. then it reaches me and i feel myself holding my breathe then letting go. i feel the water enter my lungs, i feel it all over my body and in my ears, then i take on last deep breathe and stillness. i feel that my heart has stopped beating, i feel my body begin to float a little but its quiet, no voices, a calm settles over me. after each dream i wake up slowly and feel at least for those few minutes a sense of peace i can never describe. its like a chance at being born again of something. im not a religious person by any means nor am i deeply spiritual but i do believe in living multiple lives and i feel like thats what ive experienced. i believe we die only to come back and try life again. most will probably chalk it up to heartburn while im sleeping or whatever but its indescribable the feeling of dying. i dont know when i will ever experience it again but, i will always remember those dreams. i will take from them every thing i will ever need to learn about life.
  15. i told my wife most of everything about my csa and r***. ive told my cousin, my brother, my birth father W, my uncle, my godmother, my former best friend, and my aunt years after it happened. i chose them because i thought they loved me and would finally give me the support i needed growing up. W was livid and wanted to do something irreversible. my cousin was a little upset but doesnt mention it. my former best friend was sorry it happened but our friendship was never the same, now we barely talk. my uncle didnt say or do anything. my godmother was very upset about the news and my aunt i could tell was just disconnected and had no reaction. my brother said he would pray for me. all in all, they still talk and socialize with my birth mother (except my former best friend) so i barely talk to them most not at all. my wife is my only constant foundation of love and support.