howlieowl

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    323
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About howlieowl

  • Rank
    Growth & Evolution is my Happiness
  • Birthday May 20

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    California
  • Interests
    drawing, reading, baking, basketball, working out, long walks, interested in peace:-)

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Recent Profile Visitors

1,157 profile views
  1. Thank you, i appreciate it.
  2. Just Want To Be Happy

    moments like today and previous days re-enforce the feeling that i will be alone. im without my foundation, have been for over two months now. nothing i say or do seems to work at getting her back. i secretly cry but pretend to her face im okay. its hard, very hard, knowing im the reason she doesnt want to be with me. ive been fighting since i was a toddler for love and when ive finally found it, i figured i was safe. but every day ive always had this feeling she would leave. i know im a f up, i know that. ive been trying so hard to be better and she told me if i try she would always be there. yet she cant even sleep next to me at night. i know im not the person she wants to be with, shes told me her ideal woman. me and my problems dont fit the bill. im too much with my past. i guess all that questioning of am i capable of love, well i got my answer. my heart has been breaking for months. but im very good at burying my feelings. im very good at shutting down. i dont know where to go anymore. no friends, no family. she is literally all i have left. just so lost, so tired of pain. why cant anyone love me? what the hell is so wrong with me? i dont have anyone to turn to for comfort. every so called friend, every so called family member is too involved in their own lives to be there for me, not like ive been for them. i got no car, no license, no job, nothing. where can i go? who can i talk to? who will comfort me when the only person i have has pulled away? please, i just want the pain to stop. i just want to be happy.
  3. welcome, welcome. i wish you much success and happiness on your journey in healing.
  4. i wish you much success on your journey to healing. may you find much support, understanding, and acceptance here.
  5. Hi @Disrupted Amazon. I hope you find much peace, comfort, understanding, and happiness here. All the best to you on your healing journey.
  6. hey @Kkhateera, welcome. im sorry for what has brought you. i hope you find peace, comfort, understanding, and happiness on your journey.
  7. welcome @Debbie20. i am very sorry for what happened to you. i hope you find peace, comfort, and understanding being here.
  8. my csa made me feel weak, disgusted, homicidal, suicidal, extreme fear, immense emotional and physical pain, alone, vulnerable, empty, hopeless. my rape made me feel nothing during. before scared, frozen, lost, empty. after i felt shaken, disgusted, physical pain and sore, alone, hopeless. i felt as if no one would believe me because i went to his house. i felt i had to act like it didnt happen otherwise people will see what happened.
  9. Bring Born Again

    so most people will say im crazy for even thinking or believing this but, ive died four times...in my dreams. so i believe that when we dream we experience things outisde this world we live in with other souls. i believe this is why we can recognize someone in reality and not know where you saw them before. so, the first two dreams ive had was years ago but i remember them like it happened two minutes ago. i was standing up to this bully, some guy, and i remember being shot in the chest. i remember feeling the burning sensation, feeling my blood leave my body, feeling my life come to an end as my breathing slowed down. there was no white light, no flashbacks on my life, no moments of regret, no confessionals of undying love. just silence. a stillness, no voices in my head, just stillness. the third time i was in a stadium, the earth was coming to an end. im surrounded with hundreds of people trying to escape this tsunami but the stadium starts to fill with water anyway. there is this preacher trying to calm everyone, helping them ease into the death. my birth family is there (B, my aunt, uncle, cousin and her 3 kids) then everyone panics and tries to run again knowing there is no escape but try anyway. they try to convince me to leave but i stay as well as my uncle. we sit on the steps listening and watching people run as the water rises. then it reaches me and i feel myself holding my breathe then letting go. i feel the water enter my lungs, i feel it all over my body and in my ears, then i take on last deep breathe and stillness. i feel that my heart has stopped beating, i feel my body begin to float a little but its quiet, no voices, a calm settles over me. after each dream i wake up slowly and feel at least for those few minutes a sense of peace i can never describe. its like a chance at being born again of something. im not a religious person by any means nor am i deeply spiritual but i do believe in living multiple lives and i feel like thats what ive experienced. i believe we die only to come back and try life again. most will probably chalk it up to heartburn while im sleeping or whatever but its indescribable the feeling of dying. i dont know when i will ever experience it again but, i will always remember those dreams. i will take from them every thing i will ever need to learn about life.
  10. i told my wife most of everything about my csa and r***. ive told my cousin, my brother, my birth father W, my uncle, my godmother, my former best friend, and my aunt years after it happened. i chose them because i thought they loved me and would finally give me the support i needed growing up. W was livid and wanted to do something irreversible. my cousin was a little upset but doesnt mention it. my former best friend was sorry it happened but our friendship was never the same, now we barely talk. my uncle didnt say or do anything. my godmother was very upset about the news and my aunt i could tell was just disconnected and had no reaction. my brother said he would pray for me. all in all, they still talk and socialize with my birth mother (except my former best friend) so i barely talk to them most not at all. my wife is my only constant foundation of love and support.
  11. in the beginning stages of a migraine. really despise the blinding pain

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. howlieowl

      howlieowl

      Exactly @patriciag ! They never know until they get them. Its how i ended where i am now, karma

      :P

       

       

    3. LuthienTinuviel

      LuthienTinuviel

      I get them too. Do you feel any better? 

    4. howlieowl

      howlieowl

      @LuthienTinuviel it normally takes me a couple of days to recover strength after because im so fatigued. today im better with lingering muscle soreness. cutting back in carbs, sugars, and caffeine hoping it helps.

  12. Making Dreams a Reality

    so i had a dream not too long along ive been analyzing for a while. its similar to a few ive had recently about B (my birth mother). more often than not, other family members are there, my aunt, my cousin, and sometimes my grandmother who passed. im still me at my age of 32 but it seems like a different time and place. the gist of the dream is me expressing my pain, my hurt, my rage at her and everyone else for letting me down, teasing me, abusing me physically and verbally. sometimes im crying in the dream and i feel physical pain from the hurt which i still wake up with. but the strangest thing happens, she actually apologizes. previous dreams she doesnt. but, she acknowledges what she did and didnt do for me. my cousin is always trying to be the reasonable one to help mend things between us. in the dream im not completely convinced enough to let it go. i wake up with the remnants of the physical pain but also a calm. ive been analyzing these dreams because in reality, i know i will never get such an apology or acknowledgment. but, im trying to determine if my soul is trying to come to some sort of resolution about her so i can move forward without her black cloud attached to me. is this my hopeful wishing manifesting itself in my dreams for a reality i will never have. i can feel that small part of me that wants to hold on to that rage because i never got revenge or justice for what she did to me. but, the bigger part of me is just tired. tired of constantly replaying every word and ever hit over and over and over again every minute of every day. so, im trying to accept this form of dream resolution in reality. the weight of her mistakes are too much to carry as my fault. weird to say, but i guess this is a form of emotion maturity lol. ive concluded my intellect is that of a wise buddha at times but my emotion maturity is that of an 8 year with surpressed expression. im hoping im growing though.
  13. welcome @Queen P. i hope you find much support on here. i wish you much peace, happiness, and comfort on your journey to healing.
  14. welcome @in_time. im sorry for what has brought you here. i wish you much peace, strength, and calm on your journey in healing. know you are never alone on here for there is much support from many members.
  15. welcome @Seagoat. im very sorry for what has happened to you and your reason for being here. there are wonderful people on here to provide tremendous support. i wish you much peace and happiness on your journey in healing.