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    My wonderful kids, cooking, reading.

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  1. Blood is thicker than water

    That's rough. I can't believe your family did that. I'm sorry. My daughter is also disabled, and when we were young parents nearly every physical therapist, nurse, intern, doctor, and social worker subtly questioned us on our parenting. Her disability is genetic, and they certainly knew better than to imply that it had anything to do with the pregnancy or our child raising skills. It was demeaning and worrying-- what if one of these people decides we don't pass their little test? We got a lot of latitude because we fit their positive prejudices and assumptions: we are white, wealthy, and can talk fancy/sciencey-- and the social workers encoded that in their reports. But we worried about other parent's experiences, how easily do these people turn on parents who live in a crappy apartment, or whatever other ways of not fitting their positive stereotypes, and make their life hell? And oh my god I got so frustrated in a few long hospital stays, where every new shift nurse and intern would pull that. My kid is in crisis and they want to subtly 'check' if something is wrong with my wife or I, if we are drug addicts or completely incompetent flakes -- because, like you say, they apparently believe disabled children are caused by something the parents are doing wrong.
  2. Being touched

    LOL. You write so well, that's such a vivid scene in my mind. "But he is not going to stop." -- I think that's the key.
  3. Being touched

    Well, I think it's great you turn those feelings into aggression and communicate clear boundaries with people. Another way, which I do and don't like that I do, is I blame myself for over reacting, then push the feelings and act completely normal. That makes me feel more gross, leads me to passively trying to work around other people crossing boundaries, and makes the situation feel more abusive. Like I'm repeating some pattern from my screwed up childhood, where I'm always trying to hide my feelings, act normal above all, and seem to value other people's convenience and happiness more than my own. I also feel like dealing with this is either not entirely an intellectual exercise, or that I don't have the intellectual ability to think my way out of it. All of my current problems feel like psychological issues, that I know can get severe, and solving them by 'thinking right' or 'thinking straight' or being analytical has never worked for me. It can help in some ways -- motivating me to try and fix this, and moving between different strategies when one doesn't work, seeking help here, and etc, but thinking alone hasn't been able to fix it. There's this model of the mind where inside our brain is a little person, a homunculus, driving. That's an out dated model, but, anyways, the way I understand the idea is that the little man or homunculus is our top level thoughts: the top of our consciousness that's made out of sentences and paragraphs, the thinking part of our brain. And that's not supported by our modern understanding of how our consciousness works. I've read the analogy that it's more like dolphins swimming beneath the sea, and that top level is just whatever dolphin is breaking the surface at that moment. There's a lot more going on than a little man directing things, and ... I don't know, that somehow feels more apt to my breeds of crazy. I've learned I just don't have the ability to drown the dolphins with PTSD by having some little man inside me make all the right intellectual moves and constantly think exactly the best way. I tried that as a coping mechanism, as a child, and fortunately had the awareness that it was making me more crazy, and leading me down a kind of OCD rabbit hole that I knew would end up nowhere good. That barely makes sense, and is probably wrong, but anyways it's kind of funny so I'll leave it there.
  4. Another ridiculous thing.

    I also get those intrusive thoughts. When a male is in my personal space I feel like I'm about to be raped. Usually I am ok if it's within a crowd, like on a subway during rush hour, but not if there's something off with the male. I've never gone the violence/rage path. I just feel gross and helpless.
  5. Another ridiculous thing.

    @butterfly2625 Thank you. I don't know how to say this, but sometimes I feel so screwed up that it's really meaningful to receive a message like yours. And you're right. The pace I want right now is 'take my time'.
  6. Another ridiculous thing.

    I also have that fear of being in a confined space with someone else. My sensitivity varies a lot with how I am doing overall. Sometimes I'm strong enough that I only get this when it's a certain type of adult male, in a small room, and they have to be between me and the exit. Other times I'm so sensitive that that fear comes in a large space (like a grocery store or airport), with lots of random people.