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matts

Section Moderator
  • Content Count

    472
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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    US
  • Interests
    My wonderful kids, cooking, reading.

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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736 profile views
  1. @abhaya Same back to you -- thank you for being here and adding your voice. I've learned from you. And, I agree, after years of thinking I was the only one-- it feels so good to hang out with other survivors and feel, like, mundane, a total normie.
  2. matts

    Told my boss(es)

    Thank you, I think I am now proud of that moment. So, as a random data point, ~25 years from shame and hiding a big secret to, like, "yes -- that's me, and would be anyone else if it happened to them. Which it does, too often."
  3. I relate to so much of what you wrote. And I just want to, sort of, share my thoughts a little with the hope that it helps you feel less alone. That, like, I and so many of us here cope in such similar ways. To me, I get frustrated when I'm told "you are in control of your anxiety" -- because I feel like I'm doing all I can to control it, and it's not working. So it makes me feel a little bit like a failure, like I don't have the willpower or have some weird need to feel bad. That's not true, but, to me, there is a negative interpretation of that advice -- that I could choose to be o
  4. Oh, thank you for the understanding and book recommendation. I just sent a sample of it to my kindle. Yes, they were affected differently. I am the youngest, by far, and so when they left home I was more alone and the abuse didn't have to be as hidden or furtive. And the abuser also evolved in how they abused. Ok, this is quickly getting so super gross and sad that I can't even write it. And plus my siblings are different people. I'm more quiet, they are super outgoing. I never looked to drugs/alcohol to cope. For some reason I fell out of 'denial' way sooner than they did. Any
  5. I never want to talk to my siblings about our childhood again. They were also abused, so I understand why they want to talk. But I really can't handle it. They have, like, an intellectual curiosity about it. I don't have that at all. It just sucks. It's all incredibly painful. I don't want or need to know any more about what happened. Every frigging time we talk about it, I learn some new twisted, hurtful, or worrying detail. A few things they've told me have so profoundly rocked me that it took months of crying and moping to get to the point where, I don't know, I guess I came to terms w
  6. Thank you, yes, I now believe that completely. I still feel a little selfish for 'imposing' this by sharing my pain with them, but ... dammit I would want to help them if it was reversed. So I try not to feel bad about it. But also, you are right, by putting it to words, and being honest with them, it is hard, because it forces me to be more honest with myself. And, you're so right, it's so exhausting, and invalidating, to censor myself. And not me, not who I normally am in any other part of my life. Thank you, again.
  7. matts

    Been awhile

    Oh, I'm sorry. I absolutely hate learning new things and details. Every time that happens I feel like I have a whole new set of things to be sad about, when I really feel like there's enough already to deal with. I beam this emoji to you
  8. You're amazing. Thank you for sharing all of those thoughts. I am so impressed with all that you do here and that you will be doing even more for work. One of the many reasons I 'never told' is that I just didn't know what would happen next if I did tell. The TV specials would end the story at that moment. Would I be taken away from the rest of my family? Would I have to go to a different school? And etc. So to my mind, it was sort of a choice between "enduring what I already know vs a complete unknown." This isn't the only reason I didn't tell, but ... after going to group therapy and he
  9. I changed my mind. I don't think it's right to hide or pretend. I talked this through with two people and they convinced me that they will tell me if I am too much, and that they want to help and be with me whether I am happy or sad.
  10. My natural way is to be super open and without filter. It feels wrong and sort of hurtful to edit what I am saying, in person or email, so I tend to open my mouth and start talking or writing from the heart and let it all out before I can become self conscious. Online this means I hit send before I have doubts or go back and read it again and over analyze sentences and paragraphs to delete or reword. I worry this is selfish and I should stop. I think it could be. I'd like to think that maybe true connection to my friends and family is to tell them exactly where I am, and not pretend or wi
  11. All day I've really needed to cry but haven't found a convenient time yet to do it yet with work, childcare, and friends in the mix. I feel lucky it's not so bad I can still control when but also really need to just let go and do it.

    1. Capulet

      Capulet

      Sitting with you, matts. ❤️  I hope you can find a few minutes to yourself at some point so that you can 'let it go.'  Hang in there.

  12. matts

    Told my boss(es)

    I planned to keep it professional, even though I'm not good at that. I'm one of six employee's at a very small company. We all work from home and primarily communicate by online chat and video calls. I've known the owner for something like 15 years, though only worked for him for about a year. They are all Good People. I carefully crafted a message to the owner, being obtuse and what I imagine a mature corporate professional adult would say (though I really don't know), something like: I'm going through a very difficult time and in the process of something that's sort of like grieving and am n
  13. "Crying while doing the dishes" is a new first for me.

    1. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      Sitting with you. :hug:

    2. behindthesehazeleyes

      behindthesehazeleyes

      *hugs*....I have always hated crying. But we are supposed to cry. Getting it out in that way is good. Hope you are feeling better now.

  14. matts

    Blood is thicker than water

    That's rough. I can't believe your family did that. I'm sorry. My daughter is also disabled, and when we were young parents nearly every physical therapist, nurse, intern, doctor, and social worker subtly questioned us on our parenting. Her disability is genetic, and they certainly knew better than to imply that it had anything to do with the pregnancy or our child raising skills. It was demeaning and worrying-- what if one of these people decides we don't pass their little test? We got a lot of latitude because we fit their positive prejudices and assumptions: we are white, wealthy, and
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