ttrying

My boyfriend and I broke up today

One of my strongest memories  is from when I was watching the Oscars with my first real boyfriend, who was also the first person I ever told about my assault, and Lady Gaga came on and performed Til It Happens To You. I cried in his arms but I didn't feel weak, I felt strong and it was a really special moment for both of us. For anyone who hasn't heard the song or seen that live performance I definitely recommend looking it up, it will most likely trigger a lot of emotions but it features survivors standing together and it is so beautiful and empowering. Since then, well actually since the first time I ever heard the song and saw the music video, it has stuck with me in a really special way. As some of you know, I am a competitive dancer, and so I often compete lyrical/contemporary solos. At the last two competitions, a solo to Til It Happens to You has been in my category. The first time, it was right after mine and when I saw the name on the list before I went on stage it psyched me out a bit but I kept it together until I saw the dance after and cried because it was so beautiful. At the next competition, another dance to Til It Happens to You was the number right before mine. There are so many dances at competitions so having this happen twice was a crazy coincidence. I watched as much as I could from the wings and it did not psych me out. It empowered me. I channeled these true raw real emotions and I went on stage and gave it everything I had. It made me stronger. I scored really well and placed in the overalls. I'm not a super spiritual person but I believe this song follows me and sometimes plays exactly when I need it to. Just wanted to share. Thanks for listening

Yesterday was my 17th birthday! AND I won my dance competition over the weekend!

Crying because there is a monster in the white house. Thinking about the terrible things he has said amd what this means for us survivors and all women and people. #notmypresident 😭😭😭

Just got mad paranoia in a grocery store isle alone when a man walked toward me. He was just shopping obviously. What's wrong withme I thought I was past this.

I had to take a break from AS for a while, it was just the right thing for me emotionally. But I'm back now and I am feeling a little strange. I am casually dating a guy and last night I told him about my assault when I wasn't planning on ever telling him. He was sympathetic and said "I'm sorry that happened to you" and he was also very angry "I want to beat that kid up, you don't do that to a girl. You don't treat another human being that way." But he also said a few things that really made me feel bad. He asked "why didn't you run away?" Not in an accusatory way just honest curiosity but it still made me feel a strange kind of guilt and stupidity. When I explained to him that I was pinned down and fought back but it wasn't enough because I was in shock, he appologized for asking and said he understood. He said he treats girls like queens and  would never do that to me and respects me and will always listen to me. He said this doesn't change the way he feels about me. He also kept asking "what's this kid's name? He needs to be f*d up. I'm really pissed right now wtf" And things like that. I just don't know how I feel about telling him I kind of regret it but was this the right thing to do? I don't know. 

I really desperately need someone to talk to right now. Anyone awake??