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About Han68

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  1. I'm tired of feeling like I don't have any control for what happens to my body. I feel so helpless when things happen to me and I feel too weak to be able to stop anything from happening. I begged for help and no one did anything to stop him. They just turned away and pretended as if nothing was happening. We were on a bus, its not like they were just passing by and pretended not to hear me, they could see me in pain and uncomfortable. Maybe if I was a little bit louder someone would have helped. He followed me on my way home and all I can think about is that he knows where I live. He knows what I look like and that I'm weak and where I live and I don't know if I will feel safe again going on the bus by myself. At least I know he won't be able to get into the building without a key. At least that fact can help me feel a little more safe. I'm tired of this happening to me. I'm tired of feeling helpless.
  2. I was doing so well for so long until recently. I decided that I should get help for what happened to me and by realizing that I need help I guess it has made me think about what happened to me. Since I have joined this community, my nightmares have returned and I am finding more and more triggers that remind me of what happened on that day. I thought that by reaching out for help I would be able to move past what happened and I hoped that I would be able to live with it easier than I am right now. I've been waking up the past couple of nights from nightmares. Every time my attacker is there but in each dream he is doing different things to me. Sometimes in the dreams he is sweet and caring but I am still on edge because I don't know what he might do and in my other dreams its like I am reliving everything that has happened. I don't know if I can keep going on like this. It's getting harder to get out of bed or to find the motivation I need to do my homework and other daily activities. I can't keep living like this and I don't want to live like this anymore.
  3. Hello! I am new to this site so I am still fumbling around hoping that I am doing things by the rules. I haven't participated in anything like this in the past and I am excited to see what things this brings! Thank you for welcoming me into this community!
  4. I've never tried to run a blog before, so I hope that the messiness of this blog won't deter you from reading what I have to say. I want to start this blog by saying that I think that sexual assault or R (or anything that could fall in this category) is NEVER the victims fault. Never ever ever. But at the same time I still feel that this doesn't apply to me. What happened to me has changed who I am as a person and how I think about the world and the people in it. It has made me a much more cautious person and a much more clingy person. I will never say what happened changed me for the better, because that is not true. What happened has stolen my life from me and no matter how hard I try I still feel like I will never be able to get it back. But even though this all happened to me, it must be my fault. I mean, I must've let this happen to myself because how else could it have happened? I was always told that I should always be in control of my body and I couldn't be in this moment and that's on me. I wouldn't ever wish sexual abuse on anyone. The pain that this has brought me is immeasurable and I don't think anyone should ever have to suffer through what I have had to, but I wish that my attacker could feel the pain that he has brought me. I wish that he knew what he has put me through. Every day I wake up and have to face my attacker. I pray to God that when I see him he doesn't make any comments to me, but I can bet on at least one sexual whisper in my ear when my back is turned, and I can guarantee he will "accidentally" press himself against the back of my leg. It's been almost two years since he left the scars on my body and stole the hope I had for the future. I thought that I was past this pain, but lately I feel that it is getting bad again. The nightmares have returned and the urges to hurt myself have increased. I have been trying not to think about bringing pain to my attacker but thats all I can think about lately. I want him to hurt the way I hurt, and ache the way my body aches. I want him to wake up in the middle of the night like I do and feel unsafe in his own skin. I want his life to be flipped upside down like mine was. I know that he doesn't deserve this pain. No one does. I wish I could get these thoughts out of my head and oh god do I wish that I could stop feeling bad for my attacker because I want him to feel like I do. I came to this site hoping to find people who feel the way I do and I hope that people can help me find my way through this. I can't live with this type of pain anymore. I can't deal with the nightmares anymore. I hope that my first post doesn't scare you away and I hope that this community can help me find the person I used to be. Thank you
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