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teleah

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    Survivor

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  1. All for nothing

    Thank you to all of you for your support, I just emailed my sister's dad, I have kept too many secrets to keep hers. I worked so hard this week to keep her on an even keel but just like with my mom it does not seem to work, I am working so hard again for someone who does not appreciate it. I feel so defeated and exhausted when i think of all the effort i have put in being moms daughter and dads girlfriend and i am so sad that all that effort was for nothing, i am alone now, no acknowledgement for keeping his sick secrets, for protecting his sick acts of for protecting my mom from him, herself, the world. I can not stop grieving for that little girl who worked so hard and it was all for nothing, really struggling today with this, teleah
  2. All for nothing

    Fell down the rabbit hole and Tw....self harmed last night and am so discouraged, disappointed in myself, how can i not hate myself when i continue to be so weak ?
  3. All for nothing

    TW......Maybe they were right, maybe i am worth nothing, that is what haunts me, maybe all i existed for was to be his doll and her caretaker ? Maybe I am a useless piece of nothing, There has been no evidence proving that theory wrong, Trying so hard tonight to not listen to those voices so i do not fall any further down the rabbit hole of complete self hatred.
  4. All for nothing

    This week i looked up my abuser and found he erased me from my family tree, i was never born so I protected him for nothing, kept his abuse for secrets for nothing, fooled myself one day he would love me as a daughter not his property, i thought when i quit contact with him to stay sane, he would at least admit i existed but nope once and for all i get it, i was nothing to him but his sick plaything, i was never his daughter. I also foolishly believed if i was a good daughter to my abusive mom, the mom who brought me up to believe i was a mistake, that my huge reward would be, finally being embraced by my aunt , cousins, my stepdad, but nope all that effort i put into protecting my mom, nutureing her, getting through her terminal illness while i fought major depression disorder, raised a daughter, maintained a marriage was for nothing, i am more alone that i ever have been and feel abandoned by my family, then it dawns on me, all those dreams of being loved, respected, protected by my family was useless as i feel when i think of all the time i wasted trying to be a perfect daughter fpr them and it was all for nothing, so hurt and so enraged with myself, trying so hard not to be done, teleah
  5. So brave, sitting with you sending support with thoughts of hope and healing, teleah

    1. ttrying

      ttrying

      Thank you so much teleah. You have no idea how much this means to me. 

  6. What you left me

    What you left me mom, what you left behind, was haunting words like retard mistake stupid not living up to my potential, a family you pushed away so i sided with you and now i have no family, a broken spirit that could never do anything right, make you happy, make you proud just because I was your daughter, anger searing my gut for all the times you told me i was waste of space and time, angry you never protected me from vile people, but no that was not enough mom, you left me with a sister you convinced needed you to live, needed to fight with you to give her a reason not to drink herself to death, eat and survive, you also left with a man who raised my sister with love. protection, care, he took an airplane to visit her, and you know who you left me with a pedophile father that you insisted i honor and respect, a man that gave me to his father when i was three, took lurid pictures of me with his sick best friend till i was 11 and moved, you left with a man who tried to sell me at 17 and was furious when i talked too much that the 40 year old man didnt want me, you left me with a man who took my innocence, my sense of wonder at love, sex, my first time and never said sorry or admitted he was wrong and you left her with a man who said he was sorry he wasnt there for her, exposed her to you, thanks , thanks for leaving me with a constant reminder. my worthlessness to you, thank you for leaving me with the legacy that my sister gets my happy ending and i was left with a monster under my bed, buried deep in my head, my heart and my gut, thank you for leaving me a legacy of nothing mom, teleah
  7. When ?

    (((((((child))))))) just saw this thank you for reading and sitting next to me, love teleah
  8. When ?

    When will i feel safe in my shower, my bath ? When will sleep not be my number one enemy ? When will a trigger just be a part of a gun ? When will I not hate myself for letting others get hurt ? When will i start protecting myself and not them ? When will i feel like a full sexual wife that does not shy away from his touch, his need ? When will i not hate myself for believing he ever loved me, i was anything but a doll to him ? When will his voice fade, not haunt my nights, my thoughts, my ears as i brush my hair ? When will i feel like a capable mom, find my voice and believe i deserve to be heard by her ? When will i look in the mirror and see a 48 year old woman not his little girl ? and When will this get better, when will i feel peace safety confidence faith in myself ? When will i heal, be whole again ?, please tell me when ?
  9. Back at the River

    No I do not want to be back here again, how many times am I going to revisit this river in my mind ? How many times am I going to see her smile turn to shock as he orders us to remove our clothes, the look of terror when she saw him take the pictures of us in our newly bought training bra and panties, telling us he was lucky to have such pretty models, when am I going to quit visiting this river when I know it puts me in the deep dark forest running toward a truck, running towards an end to this all consuming guilt he hurt her that night, showed her not all adults were safe, not all men were safe, not even to go on a bike ride with, the guilt that she probably freezes when she sees a camera consumes me, causes me to walk into that forest right beside the river of my regrets and shame.
  10. Do not call me a survivor

    (((((elisand and fallenstar))))))))), sorry you two can relate but so grateful you responded and made me feel not so alone, sending you thoughts of hope and healing, and of course safe huga, love teleah
  11. Do not call me a survivor

    Everyone calls me a survivor which pisses me off; i survived the horrific abuse, yayy me, now i am trying to survive the flashbacks, body memories, and not sleeping. Trying to survive being a whole wife, a wife who can be intimate with her husband without her fathers ghost voice in her ear, whispering i will always be his good girl, that i am going to be a great wife to someone some day and how lucky he has such a loving daughter. I know in the past i survived the rapes, the photo sessions, grandpa, but now i need to survive bathing myself without images of him masturbating while looking at me, survive trying on bathing suits that remind of him in the dressing room with me. leering at me as i try on suits, when i survive through a night without a thought being done, a thought i need to punish myself for not being who i can be, a better wife, mother, friend, then you can call me survivor, teleah
  12. Dear Mom

    Dear mom, Here I am circling the rabbit hole of deep despair and thanks to you, I have no family, no people to support me but my sister she is set, why did she get all the love mom. why was i not worth anything to you ? Why does she not only get a safe dad but also a family that surrounds her with love and support. was that your final assault on me, your final screw you for being your husbands favorite, for the fact he stayed with me not you ? The fact even with his new wife around he chose to spend time with me ? Were you really that petty, jealous of your own daughter ? As I circle the rabbit hole, I mourn you got your do over with my sister and chose to give me to your husband, I mourn you never saw me as your daughter but your competition while my sister will always be your treasured daughter, teleah
  13. Dear Mom

    Dear mom, I sit here, my heart broken and even from heaven or hell, not sure which one, you are still breaking my heart, i am still finding out the deep damage you did to me, still discovering the depth of your abuse and neglect. Since you passed, I have come to some important revelations.TW.... 1.. You not only knew about my pedophile father, you used me to keep him interested in you, you let him watch us shower and flirt with him in front of me so you could get the love you deserved. 2...The reason you hated me was your husband wanted me more, pursued me and you hated me for taking him away even though you insisted i spend time with him. 3..Your words, retard mistake ungrateful klutz ungrateful bit*h, are all you left me with, you did not leave me with a family, you pushed them away so i llost them too, you did not leave me with my stepfather because you convinced me i was a flirt so much i flirted with him and we will never be us again, you left me with this endless hole i and no else can fill because you were supposed to fill it with praise, cuddles, unconditional love, something you did not give me unless it benefited you. 4...My sister was your do over, you protected her to a fault. you gave her a safe dad who loved her, you encouraged her to be a model. an actress, a writer, whatever she wanted to be and she still got hurt by your brutal words and neglect. Sitting here I know you are with my dear Hannah and that is not fucking fair, but one thing i learned from the way you raised me, the way you protected me is life is never fucking fair, it just is what is, well life with you was a living hell mom and that is just what it is, i miss who could've been for me, i miss foolishly believing you were an innocent bystander not a participant in my sexual abuse,i miss who i thought you were, a dear mom to me. Love hate Teleah
  14. Her Evidence

    Two nights ago was bad, i had a young visitor, Theresa, she is seven and is a part of me, we have met before but this time she came with pictures, pictures of her, of me at seven, these pictures showed me at seven , she is smiling at the camera, her big brother next to her trying to look cool, her father next to her smiling proudly with a loving arm wrapped around my beautifyul beaming mom, i just smiled when she showed me these pictures, thanked her for showing me i had good times as a little girl but then she handed me another stack of pictures of me in a basement, my eyes watering, a look of dread on her face, lifting the same dress in the happy pictures, showing her panties then the other pictures show me undressing eyes dead now, my smile gone now replaced by a frightened grin, Theresa gave me one last picture with shame in her eyes, a picture of her, of me twirling in my dress asking him to take my picture because i told him i was beautiful and he told me i was more beautiful under my pretty dress, once she left i self harmed pretty bad faced with the evidence she would always blame herself because of her evidence that she just wanted to be loved, her evidence that he groomed her it was wrong to want love, want pride in herself unless she was pleasing him, teleah
  15. Easter Dress

    Last night Theresa age 7 visited me and she revealed why she believes she caused him to hurt her, showed me from her perspective, a moment that she believes changed everything. , the day she came on to her day, Easter morning.......TW, I just got a new Easter dress. white and red checked, and my mom had curled my unruly hair, i heard my dad coming so i waited for him to come in and he came in mad. yelling about how we were going to be late and get my shoes on my damn feet, so i did and then looked up and asked " Are you going to take my picture daddy ? " I asked smiling at him and he grabbed me pushing me out the door. " Later"< he snapped. i just followed him to the car , and we went to church. After church. we went to M who was having a huge dinner and after whisked me and his daughter downstairs, where M and my dad took pictures of us out of our Easter dresses through the whole ordeal, I thought this is my fault all i wanted was a picture of me in my easter dress, dad had groomed her to believe she was the reason he took the pictures, that she had asked to be assaulted by his Polaroid camera, she had asked to model herself out of her Easter dress, Theresa just wanted a dad to be proud of her but instead got one that lusted after her
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