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  1. Back at the River

    No I do not want to be back here again, how many times am I going to revisit this river in my mind ? How many times am I going to see her smile turn to shock as he orders us to remove our clothes, the look of terror when she saw him take the pictures of us in our newly bought training bra and panties, telling us he was lucky to have such pretty models, when am I going to quit visiting this river when I know it puts me in the deep dark forest running toward a truck, running towards an end to this all consuming guilt he hurt her that night, showed her not all adults were safe, not all men were safe, not even to go on a bike ride with, the guilt that she probably freezes when she sees a camera consumes me, causes me to walk into that forest right beside the river of my regrets and shame.
  2. Do not call me a survivor

    (((((elisand and fallenstar))))))))), sorry you two can relate but so grateful you responded and made me feel not so alone, sending you thoughts of hope and healing, and of course safe huga, love teleah
  3. Do not call me a survivor

    Everyone calls me a survivor which pisses me off; i survived the horrific abuse, yayy me, now i am trying to survive the flashbacks, body memories, and not sleeping. Trying to survive being a whole wife, a wife who can be intimate with her husband without her fathers ghost voice in her ear, whispering i will always be his good girl, that i am going to be a great wife to someone some day and how lucky he has such a loving daughter. I know in the past i survived the rapes, the photo sessions, grandpa, but now i need to survive bathing myself without images of him masturbating while looking at me, survive trying on bathing suits that remind of him in the dressing room with me. leering at me as i try on suits, when i survive through a night without a thought being done, a thought i need to punish myself for not being who i can be, a better wife, mother, friend, then you can call me survivor, teleah
  4. Dear Mom

    Dear mom, Here I am circling the rabbit hole of deep despair and thanks to you, I have no family, no people to support me but my sister she is set, why did she get all the love mom. why was i not worth anything to you ? Why does she not only get a safe dad but also a family that surrounds her with love and support. was that your final assault on me, your final screw you for being your husbands favorite, for the fact he stayed with me not you ? The fact even with his new wife around he chose to spend time with me ? Were you really that petty, jealous of your own daughter ? As I circle the rabbit hole, I mourn you got your do over with my sister and chose to give me to your husband, I mourn you never saw me as your daughter but your competition while my sister will always be your treasured daughter, teleah
  5. Dear Mom

    Dear mom, I sit here, my heart broken and even from heaven or hell, not sure which one, you are still breaking my heart, i am still finding out the deep damage you did to me, still discovering the depth of your abuse and neglect. Since you passed, I have come to some important revelations.TW.... 1.. You not only knew about my pedophile father, you used me to keep him interested in you, you let him watch us shower and flirt with him in front of me so you could get the love you deserved. 2...The reason you hated me was your husband wanted me more, pursued me and you hated me for taking him away even though you insisted i spend time with him. 3..Your words, retard mistake ungrateful klutz ungrateful bit*h, are all you left me with, you did not leave me with a family, you pushed them away so i llost them too, you did not leave me with my stepfather because you convinced me i was a flirt so much i flirted with him and we will never be us again, you left me with this endless hole i and no else can fill because you were supposed to fill it with praise, cuddles, unconditional love, something you did not give me unless it benefited you. 4...My sister was your do over, you protected her to a fault. you gave her a safe dad who loved her, you encouraged her to be a model. an actress, a writer, whatever she wanted to be and she still got hurt by your brutal words and neglect. Sitting here I know you are with my dear Hannah and that is not fucking fair, but one thing i learned from the way you raised me, the way you protected me is life is never fucking fair, it just is what is, well life with you was a living hell mom and that is just what it is, i miss who could've been for me, i miss foolishly believing you were an innocent bystander not a participant in my sexual abuse,i miss who i thought you were, a dear mom to me. Love hate Teleah
  6. Her Evidence

    Two nights ago was bad, i had a young visitor, Theresa, she is seven and is a part of me, we have met before but this time she came with pictures, pictures of her, of me at seven, these pictures showed me at seven , she is smiling at the camera, her big brother next to her trying to look cool, her father next to her smiling proudly with a loving arm wrapped around my beautifyul beaming mom, i just smiled when she showed me these pictures, thanked her for showing me i had good times as a little girl but then she handed me another stack of pictures of me in a basement, my eyes watering, a look of dread on her face, lifting the same dress in the happy pictures, showing her panties then the other pictures show me undressing eyes dead now, my smile gone now replaced by a frightened grin, Theresa gave me one last picture with shame in her eyes, a picture of her, of me twirling in my dress asking him to take my picture because i told him i was beautiful and he told me i was more beautiful under my pretty dress, once she left i self harmed pretty bad faced with the evidence she would always blame herself because of her evidence that she just wanted to be loved, her evidence that he groomed her it was wrong to want love, want pride in herself unless she was pleasing him, teleah
  7. Easter Dress

    Last night Theresa age 7 visited me and she revealed why she believes she caused him to hurt her, showed me from her perspective, a moment that she believes changed everything. , the day she came on to her day, Easter morning.......TW, I just got a new Easter dress. white and red checked, and my mom had curled my unruly hair, i heard my dad coming so i waited for him to come in and he came in mad. yelling about how we were going to be late and get my shoes on my damn feet, so i did and then looked up and asked " Are you going to take my picture daddy ? " I asked smiling at him and he grabbed me pushing me out the door. " Later"< he snapped. i just followed him to the car , and we went to church. After church. we went to M who was having a huge dinner and after whisked me and his daughter downstairs, where M and my dad took pictures of us out of our Easter dresses through the whole ordeal, I thought this is my fault all i wanted was a picture of me in my easter dress, dad had groomed her to believe she was the reason he took the pictures, that she had asked to be assaulted by his Polaroid camera, she had asked to model herself out of her Easter dress, Theresa just wanted a dad to be proud of her but instead got one that lusted after her
  8. Long time member introduce me

    Welcome back !!!!!!!!!!
  9. Why Am I not worth fighting for ?

    Having a rough night tonight, I am trying to fight the negative voices but all I can hear, is my mom telling me I am not worth love and no one would ever love me as much as her. My heart is breaking because it hits me how no one has ever fought for me, my dad gave me away to grandpa and his friends, my stepdad did not fight for our friendship to continue or for me to be a part of his life, my mom did not fight for me, she just let dad have me for two weeks every summer even though i would come home in deep depression, my husband did not fight for me when i attempted, he did not call my therapist because he could not afford an appointment, then he left and only been back when he had to be, he still will not fight for me when i am in crisis, he will not call t or even email her, All of this is evidence for me to prove mom was right, not worthy of being loved or being happy and that having me was her biggest mistake. I have fought all my life to be worthy of love, to be worthy of being saved and all that effort had been for nothing, teleah
  10. Mask Off

    I hope it is ok if i add to this, yesterday i got my inheritance from my mom, it was a lot and instead of celebrating possible financial freedom, I thought good my family will be fine, I can g, they will have money, security, all they need so they will not miss me, i can and will be replaced. i just can not see my usefulness like this, it took me a week to put away a load of laundry, takes me so long to do stuff, i am barely sleeping, showering is triggering,, i am trying to be ok for my daughter, my friends, my husband but am wearing that i am ok mask for them, i am stuck in the past, frozen in the present and terrified of the future, i do not know how to be ok when i am hurting like this, inpatient and outpatient gave me barely enough tools to cope. t says i am better but i still having hard time seeing the future, all i see is me gone and my family free of the burden of my darkness, the legacy of his sickness, thank you for listening to my truth. teleah
  11. Christmas at Seven

    I was seven, it was my favorite time of the year, Christmas and we had spent three tense hours putting up the tree and it was finally time to put up the angel and my dad grabbed me, lifted me up and was leering at me, looking up my skirt, i felt the heat and shame as he took me down and my mother glared at me. The same Christmas, my dad and I somehow got in the bedroom and he wanted to TW anally rape me so he fingered me and ended up ripping me pretty bad so we ran to the grocery store for cream and when he got home, he put it on my wound and it stung like hell, then mom came home and yelled at me for rest of night blood on the sheets caused by having constipation, so these are the triggers i have to fight, christmas trees and toppers and music and Theresa hates this time of year and wants out and i am fighting so hard to forget that Christmas when I was seven. Teleah
  12. Happy Birthday Mom

    Dear mom, happy birthday. last year was easier because i was working so hard on getting daughter through her senior year but this year, your loss has hit me like a ton of bricks and out of nowhere. I worked for 40 years to make you happy, proud of me, worthy of your praise and your love and i got nothing in return and was left with nothing except your blood money and my sister who you sheltered so much, i have had to take care of since your passing. I thought when you passed things would get easier but they are so much harder, i can see all the times you gaslit me and it hurts so bad, i can see how you made me your competition for your husband, i see where you hated me because i won him, won his sick perverted love. I am so torn whether to be happy you are gone or mourn i can never confront you, show you the damage taking care of you did to me, wonder if you can see my latest mark from where you are, see me weeping in the shower, trying not to vomit remembering him watching me, can you see that or has your God protected you from seeing me in constant purgatory ? A part of me wishes you have seen it and the other sick part of me wants to protect you still. So conflicted all the time how to feel, who to be now i am free with you not only on your birthday but all year long, love, hate, hurting teleah
  13. Grooming Theresa

    I made myself go out today, no list, no errands, just go out, so there I was having a good time out and about and decided to go to a drug store to price something for daughter. so I walked in and we went to the toys because even at 18, she loves looking at toys and right in the aisle staring right at me was a display of Wendy Walkers and Theresa one of my parts, froze, no she whispered to me as i tried to push her away so i could be an adult, but she was loudly crying in my head, i took a deep breath and kept walking but now theresa is still crying so i hope sharing her trauma, she will let me sleep some tonight. Theresa was seven when she got her walking doll. Kindly and she loved her like her own, they had the same color hair, eyes, sad smile and kindly never wanted to play school so theresa always had a playmate, One day her dad came in and played tea party with theresa, theresa was so happy, her dad wanted to play with her so she set up her tea set and fed him pretend tea and cookies, during the party her dad told her kindly spilled tea on her dress so theresa went to go change her, her dad pointed out how flat Kindlys chest was and how round theresa breast were, then her dad showed theresa how useless Kindlys body was then theresas dad showed how useful theresas body was by TW...putting a hairbrush inside her, it hurt but theresa was proud her body was better than Kindly, then her dad took theresas useful hand and said it was very useful to him and once again theresa made her dad happy then she wiped her hand on his hankie and they went out of her room to eat dinner with theresas brother and theresas mother, ending theresas grooming on how to be her dads little doll.
  14. Dear Sister

    Dear sister. every time you said dad today my heart broke a little more, this hurts more than the traumas i have remembered in the past year. So hard to hear you call him dad something i do not have anymore, never had, i had an abuser, a manipulator, a pedophile but never a dad then when Nodak tried to explain her heart break over D, J's girlfriend, you turned it into another time to tell me how awful it has been to accept her into your dads life and how D makes him happy, my heart burst open and i have been fighting sobbing ever sinceso my daughter does not blame you dear sister when i go down the rabbit hole, trying hard as hell to love you as an adult while Nodak hates you continue to break her heart over and over, teleah
  15. Dear Sister

    Today I saw a picture of you two together where you and i sat in a ski lift and you held my adult hand while Nodak jumped for joy, finally a sign that she would one day be yours, i know you had no idea when you were flirting with me, when you did but Nodak did and now when she was that picture she wept for over an hour that she was not in the picture, she was'nt the one making you smile like that, make you come alive like all the tiimes she worked so hard to make you smile when mom made you miserable, Nodak weeps for all the effort she gave to make you feel good about yourself when your wife, her mom cut you down to size and now another woman gets to hold your hand, go out to eat with you, share your life, after all she did, even listen to Captain Beefheart on purpose lol, and that woman gets the prize, you. Nodak is grieving so hard tonight J and I wish the adult me could tell you that or even find the words to say anything to you, teleah