teleah

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About teleah

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  1. Thank you Bluesclues. we buried Hardy today, he has been my constant support for 18 years, he has purred me through depression, flashbacks, and he has made me smile when i did'nt think it was possible, not sure how TC and I can heal from this huge loss to me and to her, love teleah
  2. Night with TC

    Yesterday I did not eat much, my beloved cat Hardy passed the night before after a long few days of struggling to breathe, he passed eight months after my other beloved cat Laurel passed. I have no safe place to land anymore which caused TC to come out, let me see her in her frilly pink dress with black dress shoes, I could see her sitting on my bed with me and she was bawling, I tried to comfort her but she just wept then i tried to fall asleep, lied there as she told me about her bad grandpa, the times he TW....put his hand over her mouth reeking of gasoline because i was'nt finished and he did not want my mom to know where i was or the times he made me pleasure him through his pocket, looking for a quarter is what he called it, then she told me deepest darkest fear and that was TW....that she knew he killed himself because he did'nt come visit and she did not make him happy anymore, she was convinced and told me she had heard her dad say it was her fault when her mom and dad were planning her bad grandpa's funeral, as soon as she shared this with me, i got the worse stomach pains and felt like i was going to get sick, so i sat in front of the toliet and rocked for over a half in hour, saying over and over, i am sorry, today there is a new deep sadness nestled in me, TC's sadness, Tomorrow we bury Hardy, I am scared TC will show up again and I hope tonight will not be another night with my little five year old TC, teleah
  3. so sorry you can relate,i know how hard it is when you doubt your own story, one way i combat that is i check in with myself, if there is a tightness in my chest, a lump in my throat, i know what i remember is true and try to believe in my gut, my heart, my mind, sitting with you as you get through this doubt and new icky memory, sending safe hugs and thoughts of hope and healing, love teleah
  4. His Good Girl

    Yesterday was father's day, first year I chose not to call him or send him a card, so i tried to enjoy the freedom of not feeling obligated to honor him which went well until night thats when i turned into the good girl, the girl who always made everyone happy, first after going to flea market with family and tense ice cream, i came home. made dinner, exhausted, then instead of resting i washed his shirt to make him happy, then watched tv and then i suggested alone time, despite it being the most triggering day of the year and lead him upstairs, where like a good girl I seduced him, scratched his back , touched him ect and though parts were mutually pleasing, it hit me afterwards, the whole reason i seduced my husband is because that is how i ended fathers day up until i was twelve, pleasing my dad, making sure he was happy and i was his still. What really breaks my heart, shatters my soul what is left of it is I am still that good girl, I still want everyone to be happy and despite being married over twenty years, I am still his, i am still my dads good girl, I still hear, thats my girl, when my hubby TW.....climaxes and I know a huge part of me is, a part of my core, my sexuality is his, i was groomed to be a good girl, how to please him in sick way, affectionate ways, in every way and as long as i remember that, i am and always will be his good girl and i am not sure i can live with that cold hard truth of my life, teleah
  5. My daughter graduated last week and I went, a few times I felt myself drift but I put a peppermint in my mouth and tried to not laugh out loud of the never ending ceremony, today it has been 30 years since I graduated. 30 years ago I was saying goodnight to my guests at my party then begging my ex to lie in bed with him just to feel safe after the horrible night before but he said no and went to bed, I stayed up and sneaked two beers just to sleep, that was 30 years ago and I am still broken, still sad my dad couldn't be proud of me, could not be just a father for two days, still angry I let him come to my graduation, still mad my mom insisted he come and insisted i took him out for dinner, mad i let him see me swim, mad at myself for being prideful, for still yearning for his approval at 17, these memories are haunting me tonight, hurts like hell to be stuck where i was back then, teleah
  6. Mask Off

    About a month ago, I wrote a house list and everything got done, wrote a list for graduation just in case she graduated and she did, and now I feel done, I got everything I needed to get done so I can go, nothing unresolved, daughter happy, husband happy, house clean,I should be celebrating but the depression whispers, you can go now, they will be fine, you did all you could for them, you have nothing left, trying to not listen to this voice, turning the music up, but I still hear it, scared when soon the happy mask falls off, all anyone will see is the sad little girls inside me, all they will see is the broken me again, see me as not fixable as i feel right now, not sure when the mask will fall off and everyone will see the real brokenness in me, teleah
  7. Ten

    At ten, my dad had an affair with a coworker and I was the one who told her, because a little witch in class asked what an affair is, so i stupidly asked my mom and all hell broke loose and that night my dad threw my mom into a coffee table and for two days she forgot who I was so a few days later my dad moved out and I foolishly believed the violence was over, maybe I could finally be safe but then the fighting really began, my dad would come over and steal her stuff or break it as I hid in my room and waited for mom to come home to blow up at me for letting him in and threatened she would put me away for good if I let him again, so when he came over and he went in the garage I stood in front of the door, which he got open and he was carrying a pipe wrench from mom's dad and he was swinging it back and forth as he went in the hallway, I met him there and asked him to please go, then he said, it was his house, he could do what he wanted and I asked him again and without a word he dragged me to the bedroom, he slammed down the pipe wrench and told me again he owned everything including me, then he pushed me on the bed and within minutes he was raping me, ripping me, stealing my innocence and my soul in one violent act then he got up to go, he told me to wash the sheets unless I wanted mom to think I was wiping wrong again just like the retard I was, then he went into the bathroom and broke mom's favorite vase then left, When he left I cleaned the sheet as best as I could and picked up the glass, took a bath and got in my pajamas, sat on the couch frozen in shock, until my mom came home and got mad at me for making a mess in the tub, had missed some blood and she was furious I had wiped wrong again so I was sent to my room without supper and so she could call the institution that she told me later would not take me in because I was too retarded, I was ten, ten years old.
  8. Tonight it hit me that the night before graduation, I wanted pride too but this time I wanted him to be proud of me because I had my first job, I was passing classes without special ed for the first time in my life and I took him out to eat, I paid so he would be proud of me, I dressed up in an actual dress so he would proud of me and he still took me back to the hotel and made me show him i could finally swim and then he raped me, which for the first time I was present for because I was in shock, the only thing he could be proud for me was I pleasured him, because at 17, I was still his good girl, i feel sick to my stomach and my heart hurts to breathe, I wish he would get out my head and most importantly my heart, teleah
  9. Since I first started this journey through my abuse, a question haunted me, until last weekend when after I was intimate with my husband, I was sitting on the bed fighting tears as I have done for a long time thinking of the question that never had an answer, how did he groom me, what did i get out of it, then i heard his voice, say that's my good girl and heard him moan and it hit me, finally the answer, he gave me pride he made me feel proud of pleasing him, being his good girl while my mom called me retard and pointed out i would never live up to my potential because i was a mistake from God, the way he got me to please him was to give me worth in a world where my mom did not even see me as worthwhile, that is how i saw it, how little me saw it, so I know now. now what ? My heart is broken, knowing little me had to do such vile things just to feel she had worth in her small world, teleah
  10. Thank you all for the support, TC's dad did not fight for her and she is really sad,also she was reminded of her bad grandpa tonight so she is frightened and mourning, Nodak is mourning her J is dating someone, not her as she had dreamed about since 15, Theresa is mourning the loss of a mom, not the needy woman she took care of, after seeing a real mother and daughter fix dinner together and Theresa Lee is angry she does not belong anywhere and Teleah is exhausted holding all these emotions in and sees they broke her in pieces and wonders if anything will put me together again, I have no idea how to be a whole person anymore, have no idea how to handle their losses and stay safe, teleah
  11. Thank you ((((((dbnb and annie)))))), as a real parent does, I did what was best for her. so I decided to protect her and emailed her and my dad and said goodbye to him so she can be safe and grow knowing she is loved and taken care of, so know she is so sad, grieving him as if he passed, but to her little sad self, he is gone forever so i have to figure out how to comfort her and how to stay safe knowing i no longer have a dad and am now am orphan. teleah
  12. TC just wants her dad

    Went back to therapy this Thursday, still in outpatient but had to see if i could get trauma therapy and found out I could, wish was good news maybe. Anyway most of the session was talking to TC, my youngest little, she is 3 or 4, she is so little, it hurts to look at her, she does not usually talk just cries but she talked this time,because I was willing to hear her or maybe she found her voice, I asked her what she needed from me and she said, she needed to be be believed, she needed to feel safe so i held her and stroked her hair and told her she no longer had to see her dad, i would protect her and she cried and said no he was her daddy and told me she did'nt trust me because i had hurt her a whole bunch of times, i told her i wouldnt do that anymore she just fell quiet as the therapy appointment ended and now i have to write my dad a goodbye letter and she keeps weeping, i can hear her like when she showed me TW.... her daddy teaching her to bring the leopard blanket and how to sneak her little hand under and please him as her mommy made dinner and her big brother played in the same room, I do not how to get her trust after hurting her through self harm through years, I want to tell her saying goodbye to her daddy is a good thing but she just sits and cries, i have no idea what to do now because all TC wants is her daddy.
  13. ((((((Annie))))))). thank you for listening and hearing me, little teleah is so blessed to know little Annie and have her love and support, sending you love toys and orange soda, love teleah
  14. T met Theresa

    TW..... Last Tuesday I had a doctor appointment and had an episode, i rocked in my chair and tried to not cry, I sat there just looking at the examining table, seeing little Theresa, me at age six and I am red down there and my dad is glaring at me and the doctor is telling me how to wipe and i am humiliated, we go home and dad tells my mom what the doctor said and she flies into a rage and makes me wipe in front of her and dad until i bleed, then makes me go to bed, the next morning she tells me if i want to be a retard i can go to an institution where people will crap their pants in front of me and play with themselves, then i went to school as if nothing happened. These images haunted me until my appointment when i told my t about the doctor appointment and was about to tell her about my memory when theresa told her about my self harm and she was tired of fighting the memories and felt broken, so my t went and got the director and soon his husband was driving me for an assessment and now i am in outpatient, feel like i am too much to heal, feel like no therapist is ever going to be prepared to treat me, feel like there is no hope of me to heal because i let theresa meet my t, teleah
  15. Thank you (((((((child)))))), Twice I have had nightmares about my mom, not used of her being the one who haunts me, today her words are loud because i am feeling so sad and exhausted, her calling me a victim is the word i am fighting today, teleah