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  1. Day 3 - Client Under Siege

    Wow, so brave sharing this, shows the horrific confusing internal battle that is incest, sending hugs and thoughts of hope and healing, love teleah
  2. Finally free ?

    Last week I told my stepdad about my abuse and how it molded the romantic illusion I have had about him since we met, I thought this would break the chains to my deceased emotionally verbal abusive mom but it just exposed to me how vile she was to me, she convinced me he would not understand or believe me and we would never talk again if I told, our and out lies, he believes me and wants to stay in my life as a dad figure, I am once again surprised she can lie so easily to me, her daughter. Had I questioned her, there would not be a rock in my chest, the rock I carried for years, I am so tired of finding out how much she hated me, I want to be done, I want peace and the only way I see is out, if I pass there will be peace and maybe Teleah will finally be free from her mom
  3. Gas Fumes

    I have had this memory before but tonight it brought me to my knees, I no longer want to know TC my three to five year old, not mad at her but her memories are so awful, just would rather she go away . Tonight I was in the car, when I rode by a restaurant that had a gas leak, the smell took me back to my grandpa's garage TW.....I can hear my mom calling for me, my tiny hand is in bad grandpa's pocket stroking him and he has not yuck yet so he puts his gas scented hands over my mouth so she does not know where I am, I can't breathe, I feel sick then he pushes me out of the garage and I go in front of his store, sit on the curb, sick, scared, mom finds me, whispers I stink and I was a retard for not answering, then grabs my hand and pushes me to the car, I feel sick for the trip home and just swallow my sick so I do not get in trouble at home, I run in get sick, clean up so I do not get in more trouble, I want to hurt myself for letting myself get triggered by the gas fumes, I just want to go somewhere peaceful where I am no longer haunted by this.
  4. Three Years

    Dear mom, it's been three years since you passed, not a day goes by I am not conflicted between missing you and relieved you are gone and so is your gaslighting and emotional neglect and abuse.In the last three years, I have tried to stop defending you not protecting me from my pedophile grandpa, dad and his friend, you are no longer poor mom who grew up unloved so you did not know better, you are the mom that insisted I wore love baby's soft perfume between my thighs at six, insisted on me modeling my new panties in front of my dad at seven, you are the mom who saw me cry after being dropped home from his place, was happy because I loved you more than him. Your new identity has caused me so much pain, I protected you for 43 years, it was my main role in life, my daughter suffered, my husbandsuffered because I put so much energy into defending you and it was for nothing, you were a monster too, he took my innocence, my sexuality, you took my idenity, my confidence, my soul so I am left empty, lost in my pain, being a burden to my daughter just as you were to me. I would rather be gone than become you in any capacity, am lost still who I am after losing you three years ago.
  5. Do not call me a survivor

    Sorry you can relate, mrsteacher, incest is truly a horrible burden, thank you for responding, welcome to AS hope this site helps you with your journey towards wholeness and healing, Sending thoughts of hope and healing,love teleah
  6. Back Pain

    The pain started three nights ago, a searing pain in back, right where the pain of numerous kidney infections began when I was seven eight nine. When I was nine I was hit with a searing burning pain and I knew it was another kidney infection so I did not tell anyone until I was moaning in pain when my mom yelled at my dad I need to go to the doctor again for an infection but this time I could tell it was different it felt swollen, like someone had kicked me, he got mad and threw me in the bathroom on the toliet, go he hollered and I was so dizzy i fell off, got up on my knees and threw up which enraged hjim and he hit my upper back, calling me retard and waste of time and threw me in the shower, then threatened if I got another infection i would end up going to an institution , so I got up swallowed my sick, took a shower, went to the doctor, I had a bruised kidney from TW<<<<<<<<his attempt at anal sex but he told the doctor i fell out of the car, yep the doctor was a friend of my dads and gave me pain pills that dad told mom was for my severe kidney infection, I had blocked the pain out of my head until a few nights ago, then i had a flashback and was convinced my dad was going to beat me again , yesterday I went to immeadiate care and while waiting in the examing room remembered everything, then found out it is sciatic nerve not kidney but still today am so scared and so little, I am so tired of being hit with visions of new hell every day. so tired of fighting and begging to be taken care of, i begged hubby to come home which lead to another useless fight, not sure how much more hell i can remember. i want peace. i want to go, but i cant do that to people that love me so right now i will settle for this back pain to go away with the memories of hell that come with it. teleah
  7. His, Always Will Be His

    Thank you ((((((Dahliaa)))))) found out today that hubby is going to work even farther away, this has caused me to go back to being that manipulated scared 10 year old trying to get her dad to come back in, not leave us, my mom said if he did not come back she would lay down and die, believing her with my whole heart, desperate for him to save me, mom,TW.... I reached out for his lap and ended up pleasing him in his car, in the driveway, he came in and stayed that night but in the morning he left as we slept, I feel like I will always be ten, desperate for someone to save me, always be his. I was desperate this weekend and tried so hard to get hubby to stay and fight for me, for us, but he left anyway and now will be gone for another long period and i am still his, he is still in my head as the man i could not get to love me enough to stay and fight for me and my mom, thanks for listening, teleah
  8. His, Always Will Be His

    This weekend hubby is in town so we are working on me being present during relations and most of the weekend it has been pleasurable for both of us but this afternoon as I tried to be held, all I could hear was his TW.......instructions how to please him with my mouth and my heart broke, am so defeated, working so hard and his voice is still there reminding me, I will always be his, he owns a deep part of me, my first kiss, my first touch, my first time and no matter what i do that will never be mine, he took that and it is his . The only way I can see this changing, finding peace from this is not being here anymore, not being here to foolishly believe my mind, my body is not his after 19 years of being abused. I do not know how to accept he owns those sacred parts of me, i do not know how to get through this anymore, how can i be a loving wife, when a part of me will always be his. teleah
  9. Unstuck Words

    Today I am useless at conversation, all my mouth wants to speak is the unstuck words, TW, my dad tried to sell me, i asked if i could move in senior year and he said we would discuss it over lunch so went for lunch where we met a man, i thought was an intern teacher who knew my dad, so we had lunch with him and for the first time i debated politics out loud and history, I was super proud I no longer sound like a retard, so proud I was finally smart enough for my dad or so i thought, then after lunch he grabbed my hand " Thanks to your mouth, he is no longer interested ", then pushed my 17 year old large shaking frame in his car. the rest is blank. not sure i want to know what else happened, but all of this has been unstuck and seems to want to be spoken, i did tell my hubby and he said yep sounds like something he would do, i guess i wanted to hear, oh honey i am so sorry he did that, but he is who he is. The other words that have been unstuck has to do with an anniversary, four years ago tomorrow. TW.....Four years ago I went out to the forest to a gun stand with a rope and a ladder, i stood there for a long time and put rope over head then i froze, in shock i had gone that far, i threw the rope down and got my hubby, he brought the ladder and rope in. did the bills and decided i could not afford treatment so i put the stuff away and now i can honestly say that was an attempt or a rehearsal which i never had said out loud to anyone not even a therapist, so now i have said these hurtful words but i have no idea how to process them. i hope saying them here is enough for them to go away, go hide where they were before stuck in a deep box in my heart, a girl can hope, thank you for listening again, teleah
  10. All for nothing

    Well as we speak her dad is planning on taking a day and going to go get her so she will be safe, away from an unsafe boyfriend, he is driving up and getting her stuff and she will move in with him, where she will have his warm hugs, support and know he is there for her despite her mental illness, eating disorder and bpd while i dream of one day of being loved by a real parent, ones that do not hurt you but support, fight and fight words like useless, done, exhausted and hope all this work to heal from my abuse has not been all for nothing, that one day i will feel as safe as my sister does with him, ouch, teleah
  11. All for nothing

    Once again today I found out that I am working so hard for my sister, for nothing, stepdad has not called me after I emailed him and tried to get sister help and sister called to have me be her secret keeper, this time about her boyfriend, so tired of working so hard to be, working so hard to be reminded again and again this is all for nothing, teleah
  12. All for nothing

    Thank you to all of you for your support, I just emailed my sister's dad, I have kept too many secrets to keep hers. I worked so hard this week to keep her on an even keel but just like with my mom it does not seem to work, I am working so hard again for someone who does not appreciate it. I feel so defeated and exhausted when i think of all the effort i have put in being moms daughter and dads girlfriend and i am so sad that all that effort was for nothing, i am alone now, no acknowledgement for keeping his sick secrets, for protecting his sick acts of for protecting my mom from him, herself, the world. I can not stop grieving for that little girl who worked so hard and it was all for nothing, really struggling today with this, teleah
  13. All for nothing

    Fell down the rabbit hole and Tw....self harmed last night and am so discouraged, disappointed in myself, how can i not hate myself when i continue to be so weak ?
  14. All for nothing

    TW......Maybe they were right, maybe i am worth nothing, that is what haunts me, maybe all i existed for was to be his doll and her caretaker ? Maybe I am a useless piece of nothing, There has been no evidence proving that theory wrong, Trying so hard tonight to not listen to those voices so i do not fall any further down the rabbit hole of complete self hatred.
  15. All for nothing

    This week i looked up my abuser and found he erased me from my family tree, i was never born so I protected him for nothing, kept his abuse for secrets for nothing, fooled myself one day he would love me as a daughter not his property, i thought when i quit contact with him to stay sane, he would at least admit i existed but nope once and for all i get it, i was nothing to him but his sick plaything, i was never his daughter. I also foolishly believed if i was a good daughter to my abusive mom, the mom who brought me up to believe i was a mistake, that my huge reward would be, finally being embraced by my aunt , cousins, my stepdad, but nope all that effort i put into protecting my mom, nutureing her, getting through her terminal illness while i fought major depression disorder, raised a daughter, maintained a marriage was for nothing, i am more alone that i ever have been and feel abandoned by my family, then it dawns on me, all those dreams of being loved, respected, protected by my family was useless as i feel when i think of all the time i wasted trying to be a perfect daughter fpr them and it was all for nothing, so hurt and so enraged with myself, trying so hard not to be done, teleah