teleah

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  1. Grooming Theresa

    I made myself go out today, no list, no errands, just go out, so there I was having a good time out and about and decided to go to a drug store to price something for daughter. so I walked in and we went to the toys because even at 18, she loves looking at toys and right in the aisle staring right at me was a display of Wendy Walkers and Theresa one of my parts, froze, no she whispered to me as i tried to push her away so i could be an adult, but she was loudly crying in my head, i took a deep breath and kept walking but now theresa is still crying so i hope sharing her trauma, she will let me sleep some tonight. Theresa was seven when she got her walking doll. Kindly and she loved her like her own, they had the same color hair, eyes, sad smile and kindly never wanted to play school so theresa always had a playmate, One day her dad came in and played tea party with theresa, theresa was so happy, her dad wanted to play with her so she set up her tea set and fed him pretend tea and cookies, during the party her dad told her kindly spilled tea on her dress so theresa went to go change her, her dad pointed out how flat Kindlys chest was and how round theresa breast were, then her dad showed theresa how useless Kindlys body was then theresas dad showed how useful theresas body was by TW...putting a hairbrush inside her, it hurt but theresa was proud her body was better than Kindly, then her dad took theresas useful hand and said it was very useful to him and once again theresa made her dad happy then she wiped her hand on his hankie and they went out of her room to eat dinner with theresas brother and theresas mother, ending theresas grooming on how to be her dads little doll.
  2. Dear sister. every time you said dad today my heart broke a little more, this hurts more than the traumas i have remembered in the past year. So hard to hear you call him dad something i do not have anymore, never had, i had an abuser, a manipulator, a pedophile but never a dad then when Nodak tried to explain her heart break over D, J's girlfriend, you turned it into another time to tell me how awful it has been to accept her into your dads life and how D makes him happy, my heart burst open and i have been fighting sobbing ever sinceso my daughter does not blame you dear sister when i go down the rabbit hole, trying hard as hell to love you as an adult while Nodak hates you continue to break her heart over and over, teleah
  3. Today I saw a picture of you two together where you and i sat in a ski lift and you held my adult hand while Nodak jumped for joy, finally a sign that she would one day be yours, i know you had no idea when you were flirting with me, when you did but Nodak did and now when she was that picture she wept for over an hour that she was not in the picture, she was'nt the one making you smile like that, make you come alive like all the tiimes she worked so hard to make you smile when mom made you miserable, Nodak weeps for all the effort she gave to make you feel good about yourself when your wife, her mom cut you down to size and now another woman gets to hold your hand, go out to eat with you, share your life, after all she did, even listen to Captain Beefheart on purpose lol, and that woman gets the prize, you. Nodak is grieving so hard tonight J and I wish the adult me could tell you that or even find the words to say anything to you, teleah
  4. When He Left

    I was !0 and maybe a month when he left, my mom and dad had been going through an violent divorce for months, he had stolen my moms favorite silverware chest the one she got as a wedding gift from her boss, a watch he had bought her when she found out he bought his mistress a fur coat with his secret checking account then he took her engagement ring and her favorite only pearl necklace she got when she graduated, so my only job was to protect grapdpa's antique tools, her one real treasure, the ones he bought before the diabetes ended his job as a construction foreman, so when dad came over and headed toward the garage, I tried to stop him, i asked him to fix my bike, i offered him a beer, but he still went and got the pipe wrench and he was standing the hallway heading out and i grabbed his hand to stop him, furiously he took my hand dragged me to the bedroom threw me on the bed where he put the pipe wrench near my head as an unspoken threat, i waited to hear what i had to do but in angry silence, he raped me for the first time, he then got up with the pipe wrench told me to wash the bloody sheet and that he was happy to be leaving his retarded daughter and her psycho wife, then left, i washed the sheet, took a scalding hot shower, got in my pajamas, waited for my mom who was mad i had let him take the pipe wrench that told me to go to my room, locked me in and let me out before bed to go potty , when i did it burned like fire but went to bed, two days later i had a serious UTI from when he left. Now so many years later, my husband goes out of town and this memory shakes me and i wonder if i will ever get over the day he left, sprry so long, thank you for reading, love teleah
  5. trigger happy

    Today I was trigger happy, everything triggered me, feel so defeated tonight as i attempt to go to sleep. First I woke up from a horrific nightmare that stuck with me, then got the bill for hubbys breakdown, that made me think i was at fault for calling the police and should've found him myself that night then I locked myself in my room and wept, then i picked up what i thought was an empty backpack and found condoms, triggering the preteen mr to say 10 over and over until i went to the library to proofread my novel in progress when my mom taunted me in my head, Who told you, you could write ? Quit killing trees and When are you going to give up your silly dreams of being a writer and get a real job ? Then i went home, exhausted, defeated and my family wanted to go out for dinner, so i put on my mask and we went to dinner. Over dinner we sat by a group of mentally challenged people or as my mom used to scream at me, retard, I found myself staring at them which i hated but they triggered this ache in my heart, something i had been numb to before, but now felt so intensely i had trouble breathing, i blamed it on heartburn and finished eating as my heart was stuck when my mom would scream at me i was a retard and deserved to be institutionalized for something that angered her, my heart was remembering being called a retard most days in my childhood which i believed till i got tested at 11 when i found out i was just behind due to my seizure medication and was never considered a retard by academic standard. These emotional flashbacks caused me to feel sick, so my family had to wait for me in the car as i paced back and forth, then when i got home i curled up in a ball in my bed as my family socialized with the neighbors. After today i feel so defeated, feel like my emotional abuse will never be healed, i will never be a whole adult, so triggered to SH tonight, i want so badly to be at peace and never be triggered again, teleah
  6. Thank you for reading and your supportive responses, (((((field and DBNB))))), I was going to start a new blog but since these are very closely related am posting a letter to J, my safe stepfather and once romantic hero and still romantic hero for Nodak, the creative dreamy teenage part who fell for him at 15, here goes...... Dear J, today you told me about her, the woman you now love and lives with you, ouch. ow, dammit that hurt, hurt me to the core but mostly crushed Nodak's heart into pieces, Nodak is the girl who sat with you and listened to records with you in your room and hung on your every word, Nodak wrote poems for years about you, poems of unrequited love and for years thought you loved her back, believed in her 15 year old heart, that one day you two would end up together, but today she realized that is never going to happen and is wanting to die, she wants out which scares me because she is usually the fighter, fights for me her gift of words and hope that one day things will get better. Now she just sits and weeps at the injustice of you living with another woman while i weep you live with someone other than my mom, everything is jumbled inside me, I know Nodak was created to fight the envy i had that my sister had a safe dad, the envy my mom could move on without my dad when i was and am stuck in the past with him, frozen in self blame, hate, and the hurt his vile abuse caused me, i am glad she was there to protect me from that but right now i do not need her broken heart, i have one of my own, teleah
  7. (((((((Beamcam))))))) not true, you are smart and funny, please try not to listen to the depression that is lying to you and telling you that, sending hugs, peace and calm, love teleah

    1. Beamcam

      Beamcam

      thank you for the kind words teleah Im just not feeling any of it lately 

  8. Dear Sister

    Dear Sister, You say you are proud of me how i have gotten over my past, ok really, dammit,TW... tell that to my leg that is bruised because I had a horrible flashback of my father pleasuring himself on the toliet while i took a bath, which caused me to have a dizzy attack and fall on my tubTW...., tell that to my neck that is swollen and hurt because i choked myself last night so hard just to shut up the loud littles that wanted to share their stories of horror and i just wanted to sleep, tell that to my eyes that cant seem to cry but want to all the time, tell that to my daughter who sees me struggle to live day by day. I am so happy you got to grow up with a protective loving dad but at the same time it breaks my fucking heart that i will never have that, i am grateful hat you did not grow up with my mom, who hated me because i turned her husband on and made me feel worthless, only worthy of a life in an institution, grateful but it fucking breaks my heart when you moan she got on you for your weight and thought you were a sl*t,TW.... my mom half bathed me and made me spray perfume down there so i did not stink for dates with my dad at six. I was brought up that envy was a huge sin but the envy i feel for your childhood and the fact you have him as your dad consumes me, especially when you remind me that he is still there for you and i will never have that, ever, There was a time, I turned him into a romantic lead in my life in my head so I could not feel this consuming jealousy but since mom passed and he is living with his girlfriend, i fight no longer him playing that role, it hurts so bad he is so good to you and saw me as nothing more than her daughter and maybe a friend, please try to not kick me in the fucking gut, heart anymore by telling me what a great dad he has been and is to you, teleah, nodak, theresa, and tc.
  9. Thinking of you, please know you are not alone, in your pocket ((((((field)))))), please stay safe today, love u

  10. Thank you Bluesclues. we buried Hardy today, he has been my constant support for 18 years, he has purred me through depression, flashbacks, and he has made me smile when i did'nt think it was possible, not sure how TC and I can heal from this huge loss to me and to her, love teleah
  11. Night with TC

    Yesterday I did not eat much, my beloved cat Hardy passed the night before after a long few days of struggling to breathe, he passed eight months after my other beloved cat Laurel passed. I have no safe place to land anymore which caused TC to come out, let me see her in her frilly pink dress with black dress shoes, I could see her sitting on my bed with me and she was bawling, I tried to comfort her but she just wept then i tried to fall asleep, lied there as she told me about her bad grandpa, the times he TW....put his hand over her mouth reeking of gasoline because i was'nt finished and he did not want my mom to know where i was or the times he made me pleasure him through his pocket, looking for a quarter is what he called it, then she told me deepest darkest fear and that was TW....that she knew he killed himself because he did'nt come visit and she did not make him happy anymore, she was convinced and told me she had heard her dad say it was her fault when her mom and dad were planning her bad grandpa's funeral, as soon as she shared this with me, i got the worse stomach pains and felt like i was going to get sick, so i sat in front of the toliet and rocked for over a half in hour, saying over and over, i am sorry, today there is a new deep sadness nestled in me, TC's sadness, Tomorrow we bury Hardy, I am scared TC will show up again and I hope tonight will not be another night with my little five year old TC, teleah
  12. so sorry you can relate,i know how hard it is when you doubt your own story, one way i combat that is i check in with myself, if there is a tightness in my chest, a lump in my throat, i know what i remember is true and try to believe in my gut, my heart, my mind, sitting with you as you get through this doubt and new icky memory, sending safe hugs and thoughts of hope and healing, love teleah
  13. His Good Girl

    Yesterday was father's day, first year I chose not to call him or send him a card, so i tried to enjoy the freedom of not feeling obligated to honor him which went well until night thats when i turned into the good girl, the girl who always made everyone happy, first after going to flea market with family and tense ice cream, i came home. made dinner, exhausted, then instead of resting i washed his shirt to make him happy, then watched tv and then i suggested alone time, despite it being the most triggering day of the year and lead him upstairs, where like a good girl I seduced him, scratched his back , touched him ect and though parts were mutually pleasing, it hit me afterwards, the whole reason i seduced my husband is because that is how i ended fathers day up until i was twelve, pleasing my dad, making sure he was happy and i was his still. What really breaks my heart, shatters my soul what is left of it is I am still that good girl, I still want everyone to be happy and despite being married over twenty years, I am still his, i am still my dads good girl, I still hear, thats my girl, when my hubby TW.....climaxes and I know a huge part of me is, a part of my core, my sexuality is his, i was groomed to be a good girl, how to please him in sick way, affectionate ways, in every way and as long as i remember that, i am and always will be his good girl and i am not sure i can live with that cold hard truth of my life, teleah
  14. My daughter graduated last week and I went, a few times I felt myself drift but I put a peppermint in my mouth and tried to not laugh out loud of the never ending ceremony, today it has been 30 years since I graduated. 30 years ago I was saying goodnight to my guests at my party then begging my ex to lie in bed with him just to feel safe after the horrible night before but he said no and went to bed, I stayed up and sneaked two beers just to sleep, that was 30 years ago and I am still broken, still sad my dad couldn't be proud of me, could not be just a father for two days, still angry I let him come to my graduation, still mad my mom insisted he come and insisted i took him out for dinner, mad i let him see me swim, mad at myself for being prideful, for still yearning for his approval at 17, these memories are haunting me tonight, hurts like hell to be stuck where i was back then, teleah
  15. Mask Off

    About a month ago, I wrote a house list and everything got done, wrote a list for graduation just in case she graduated and she did, and now I feel done, I got everything I needed to get done so I can go, nothing unresolved, daughter happy, husband happy, house clean,I should be celebrating but the depression whispers, you can go now, they will be fine, you did all you could for them, you have nothing left, trying to not listen to this voice, turning the music up, but I still hear it, scared when soon the happy mask falls off, all anyone will see is the sad little girls inside me, all they will see is the broken me again, see me as not fixable as i feel right now, not sure when the mask will fall off and everyone will see the real brokenness in me, teleah