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teleah

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  1. His, Always Will Be His

    Thank you ((((((Dahliaa)))))) found out today that hubby is going to work even farther away, this has caused me to go back to being that manipulated scared 10 year old trying to get her dad to come back in, not leave us, my mom said if he did not come back she would lay down and die, believing her with my whole heart, desperate for him to save me, mom,TW.... I reached out for his lap and ended up pleasing him in his car, in the driveway, he came in and stayed that night but in the morning he left as we slept, I feel like I will always be ten, desperate for someone to save me, always be his. I was desperate this weekend and tried so hard to get hubby to stay and fight for me, for us, but he left anyway and now will be gone for another long period and i am still his, he is still in my head as the man i could not get to love me enough to stay and fight for me and my mom, thanks for listening, teleah
  2. His, Always Will Be His

    This weekend hubby is in town so we are working on me being present during relations and most of the weekend it has been pleasurable for both of us but this afternoon as I tried to be held, all I could hear was his TW.......instructions how to please him with my mouth and my heart broke, am so defeated, working so hard and his voice is still there reminding me, I will always be his, he owns a deep part of me, my first kiss, my first touch, my first time and no matter what i do that will never be mine, he took that and it is his . The only way I can see this changing, finding peace from this is not being here anymore, not being here to foolishly believe my mind, my body is not his after 19 years of being abused. I do not know how to accept he owns those sacred parts of me, i do not know how to get through this anymore, how can i be a loving wife, when a part of me will always be his. teleah
  3. Unstuck Words

    Today I am useless at conversation, all my mouth wants to speak is the unstuck words, TW, my dad tried to sell me, i asked if i could move in senior year and he said we would discuss it over lunch so went for lunch where we met a man, i thought was an intern teacher who knew my dad, so we had lunch with him and for the first time i debated politics out loud and history, I was super proud I no longer sound like a retard, so proud I was finally smart enough for my dad or so i thought, then after lunch he grabbed my hand " Thanks to your mouth, he is no longer interested ", then pushed my 17 year old large shaking frame in his car. the rest is blank. not sure i want to know what else happened, but all of this has been unstuck and seems to want to be spoken, i did tell my hubby and he said yep sounds like something he would do, i guess i wanted to hear, oh honey i am so sorry he did that, but he is who he is. The other words that have been unstuck has to do with an anniversary, four years ago tomorrow. TW.....Four years ago I went out to the forest to a gun stand with a rope and a ladder, i stood there for a long time and put rope over head then i froze, in shock i had gone that far, i threw the rope down and got my hubby, he brought the ladder and rope in. did the bills and decided i could not afford treatment so i put the stuff away and now i can honestly say that was an attempt or a rehearsal which i never had said out loud to anyone not even a therapist, so now i have said these hurtful words but i have no idea how to process them. i hope saying them here is enough for them to go away, go hide where they were before stuck in a deep box in my heart, a girl can hope, thank you for listening again, teleah
  4. All for nothing

    Well as we speak her dad is planning on taking a day and going to go get her so she will be safe, away from an unsafe boyfriend, he is driving up and getting her stuff and she will move in with him, where she will have his warm hugs, support and know he is there for her despite her mental illness, eating disorder and bpd while i dream of one day of being loved by a real parent, ones that do not hurt you but support, fight and fight words like useless, done, exhausted and hope all this work to heal from my abuse has not been all for nothing, that one day i will feel as safe as my sister does with him, ouch, teleah
  5. All for nothing

    Once again today I found out that I am working so hard for my sister, for nothing, stepdad has not called me after I emailed him and tried to get sister help and sister called to have me be her secret keeper, this time about her boyfriend, so tired of working so hard to be, working so hard to be reminded again and again this is all for nothing, teleah
  6. All for nothing

    Thank you to all of you for your support, I just emailed my sister's dad, I have kept too many secrets to keep hers. I worked so hard this week to keep her on an even keel but just like with my mom it does not seem to work, I am working so hard again for someone who does not appreciate it. I feel so defeated and exhausted when i think of all the effort i have put in being moms daughter and dads girlfriend and i am so sad that all that effort was for nothing, i am alone now, no acknowledgement for keeping his sick secrets, for protecting his sick acts of for protecting my mom from him, herself, the world. I can not stop grieving for that little girl who worked so hard and it was all for nothing, really struggling today with this, teleah
  7. All for nothing

    Fell down the rabbit hole and Tw....self harmed last night and am so discouraged, disappointed in myself, how can i not hate myself when i continue to be so weak ?
  8. All for nothing

    TW......Maybe they were right, maybe i am worth nothing, that is what haunts me, maybe all i existed for was to be his doll and her caretaker ? Maybe I am a useless piece of nothing, There has been no evidence proving that theory wrong, Trying so hard tonight to not listen to those voices so i do not fall any further down the rabbit hole of complete self hatred.
  9. All for nothing

    This week i looked up my abuser and found he erased me from my family tree, i was never born so I protected him for nothing, kept his abuse for secrets for nothing, fooled myself one day he would love me as a daughter not his property, i thought when i quit contact with him to stay sane, he would at least admit i existed but nope once and for all i get it, i was nothing to him but his sick plaything, i was never his daughter. I also foolishly believed if i was a good daughter to my abusive mom, the mom who brought me up to believe i was a mistake, that my huge reward would be, finally being embraced by my aunt , cousins, my stepdad, but nope all that effort i put into protecting my mom, nutureing her, getting through her terminal illness while i fought major depression disorder, raised a daughter, maintained a marriage was for nothing, i am more alone that i ever have been and feel abandoned by my family, then it dawns on me, all those dreams of being loved, respected, protected by my family was useless as i feel when i think of all the time i wasted trying to be a perfect daughter fpr them and it was all for nothing, so hurt and so enraged with myself, trying so hard not to be done, teleah
  10. So brave, sitting with you sending support with thoughts of hope and healing, teleah

    1. ttrying

      ttrying

      Thank you so much teleah. You have no idea how much this means to me. 

  11. What you left me

    What you left me mom, what you left behind, was haunting words like retard mistake stupid not living up to my potential, a family you pushed away so i sided with you and now i have no family, a broken spirit that could never do anything right, make you happy, make you proud just because I was your daughter, anger searing my gut for all the times you told me i was waste of space and time, angry you never protected me from vile people, but no that was not enough mom, you left me with a sister you convinced needed you to live, needed to fight with you to give her a reason not to drink herself to death, eat and survive, you also left with a man who raised my sister with love. protection, care, he took an airplane to visit her, and you know who you left me with a pedophile father that you insisted i honor and respect, a man that gave me to his father when i was three, took lurid pictures of me with his sick best friend till i was 11 and moved, you left with a man who tried to sell me at 17 and was furious when i talked too much that the 40 year old man didnt want me, you left me with a man who took my innocence, my sense of wonder at love, sex, my first time and never said sorry or admitted he was wrong and you left her with a man who said he was sorry he wasnt there for her, exposed her to you, thanks , thanks for leaving me with a constant reminder. my worthlessness to you, thank you for leaving me with the legacy that my sister gets my happy ending and i was left with a monster under my bed, buried deep in my head, my heart and my gut, thank you for leaving me a legacy of nothing mom, teleah
  12. When ?

    (((((((child))))))) just saw this thank you for reading and sitting next to me, love teleah
  13. When ?

    When will i feel safe in my shower, my bath ? When will sleep not be my number one enemy ? When will a trigger just be a part of a gun ? When will I not hate myself for letting others get hurt ? When will i start protecting myself and not them ? When will i feel like a full sexual wife that does not shy away from his touch, his need ? When will i not hate myself for believing he ever loved me, i was anything but a doll to him ? When will his voice fade, not haunt my nights, my thoughts, my ears as i brush my hair ? When will i feel like a capable mom, find my voice and believe i deserve to be heard by her ? When will i look in the mirror and see a 48 year old woman not his little girl ? and When will this get better, when will i feel peace safety confidence faith in myself ? When will i heal, be whole again ?, please tell me when ?
  14. Back at the River

    No I do not want to be back here again, how many times am I going to revisit this river in my mind ? How many times am I going to see her smile turn to shock as he orders us to remove our clothes, the look of terror when she saw him take the pictures of us in our newly bought training bra and panties, telling us he was lucky to have such pretty models, when am I going to quit visiting this river when I know it puts me in the deep dark forest running toward a truck, running towards an end to this all consuming guilt he hurt her that night, showed her not all adults were safe, not all men were safe, not even to go on a bike ride with, the guilt that she probably freezes when she sees a camera consumes me, causes me to walk into that forest right beside the river of my regrets and shame.
  15. Do not call me a survivor

    (((((elisand and fallenstar))))))))), sorry you two can relate but so grateful you responded and made me feel not so alone, sending you thoughts of hope and healing, and of course safe huga, love teleah
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