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  1. Dear Mom

    Dear mom, I sit here, my heart broken and even from heaven or hell, not sure which one, you are still breaking my heart, i am still finding out the deep damage you did to me, still discovering the depth of your abuse and neglect. Since you passed, I have come to some important revelations.TW.... 1.. You not only knew about my pedophile father, you used me to keep him interested in you, you let him watch us shower and flirt with him in front of me so you could get the love you deserved. 2...The reason you hated me was your husband wanted me more, pursued me and you hated me for taking him away even though you insisted i spend time with him. 3..Your words, retard mistake ungrateful klutz ungrateful bit*h, are all you left me with, you did not leave me with a family, you pushed them away so i llost them too, you did not leave me with my stepfather because you convinced me i was a flirt so much i flirted with him and we will never be us again, you left me with this endless hole i and no else can fill because you were supposed to fill it with praise, cuddles, unconditional love, something you did not give me unless it benefited you. 4...My sister was your do over, you protected her to a fault. you gave her a safe dad who loved her, you encouraged her to be a model. an actress, a writer, whatever she wanted to be and she still got hurt by your brutal words and neglect. Sitting here I know you are with my dear Hannah and that is not fucking fair, but one thing i learned from the way you raised me, the way you protected me is life is never fucking fair, it just is what is, well life with you was a living hell mom and that is just what it is, i miss who could've been for me, i miss foolishly believing you were an innocent bystander not a participant in my sexual abuse,i miss who i thought you were, a dear mom to me. Love hate Teleah
  2. Her Evidence

    Two nights ago was bad, i had a young visitor, Theresa, she is seven and is a part of me, we have met before but this time she came with pictures, pictures of her, of me at seven, these pictures showed me at seven , she is smiling at the camera, her big brother next to her trying to look cool, her father next to her smiling proudly with a loving arm wrapped around my beautifyul beaming mom, i just smiled when she showed me these pictures, thanked her for showing me i had good times as a little girl but then she handed me another stack of pictures of me in a basement, my eyes watering, a look of dread on her face, lifting the same dress in the happy pictures, showing her panties then the other pictures show me undressing eyes dead now, my smile gone now replaced by a frightened grin, Theresa gave me one last picture with shame in her eyes, a picture of her, of me twirling in my dress asking him to take my picture because i told him i was beautiful and he told me i was more beautiful under my pretty dress, once she left i self harmed pretty bad faced with the evidence she would always blame herself because of her evidence that she just wanted to be loved, her evidence that he groomed her it was wrong to want love, want pride in herself unless she was pleasing him, teleah
  3. Easter Dress

    Last night Theresa age 7 visited me and she revealed why she believes she caused him to hurt her, showed me from her perspective, a moment that she believes changed everything. , the day she came on to her day, Easter morning.......TW, I just got a new Easter dress. white and red checked, and my mom had curled my unruly hair, i heard my dad coming so i waited for him to come in and he came in mad. yelling about how we were going to be late and get my shoes on my damn feet, so i did and then looked up and asked " Are you going to take my picture daddy ? " I asked smiling at him and he grabbed me pushing me out the door. " Later"< he snapped. i just followed him to the car , and we went to church. After church. we went to M who was having a huge dinner and after whisked me and his daughter downstairs, where M and my dad took pictures of us out of our Easter dresses through the whole ordeal, I thought this is my fault all i wanted was a picture of me in my easter dress, dad had groomed her to believe she was the reason he took the pictures, that she had asked to be assaulted by his Polaroid camera, she had asked to model herself out of her Easter dress, Theresa just wanted a dad to be proud of her but instead got one that lusted after her
  4. Long time member introduce me

    Welcome back !!!!!!!!!!
  5. Why Am I not worth fighting for ?

    Having a rough night tonight, I am trying to fight the negative voices but all I can hear, is my mom telling me I am not worth love and no one would ever love me as much as her. My heart is breaking because it hits me how no one has ever fought for me, my dad gave me away to grandpa and his friends, my stepdad did not fight for our friendship to continue or for me to be a part of his life, my mom did not fight for me, she just let dad have me for two weeks every summer even though i would come home in deep depression, my husband did not fight for me when i attempted, he did not call my therapist because he could not afford an appointment, then he left and only been back when he had to be, he still will not fight for me when i am in crisis, he will not call t or even email her, All of this is evidence for me to prove mom was right, not worthy of being loved or being happy and that having me was her biggest mistake. I have fought all my life to be worthy of love, to be worthy of being saved and all that effort had been for nothing, teleah
  6. Mask Off

    I hope it is ok if i add to this, yesterday i got my inheritance from my mom, it was a lot and instead of celebrating possible financial freedom, I thought good my family will be fine, I can g, they will have money, security, all they need so they will not miss me, i can and will be replaced. i just can not see my usefulness like this, it took me a week to put away a load of laundry, takes me so long to do stuff, i am barely sleeping, showering is triggering,, i am trying to be ok for my daughter, my friends, my husband but am wearing that i am ok mask for them, i am stuck in the past, frozen in the present and terrified of the future, i do not know how to be ok when i am hurting like this, inpatient and outpatient gave me barely enough tools to cope. t says i am better but i still having hard time seeing the future, all i see is me gone and my family free of the burden of my darkness, the legacy of his sickness, thank you for listening to my truth. teleah
  7. Christmas at Seven

    I was seven, it was my favorite time of the year, Christmas and we had spent three tense hours putting up the tree and it was finally time to put up the angel and my dad grabbed me, lifted me up and was leering at me, looking up my skirt, i felt the heat and shame as he took me down and my mother glared at me. The same Christmas, my dad and I somehow got in the bedroom and he wanted to TW anally rape me so he fingered me and ended up ripping me pretty bad so we ran to the grocery store for cream and when he got home, he put it on my wound and it stung like hell, then mom came home and yelled at me for rest of night blood on the sheets caused by having constipation, so these are the triggers i have to fight, christmas trees and toppers and music and Theresa hates this time of year and wants out and i am fighting so hard to forget that Christmas when I was seven. Teleah
  8. Happy Birthday Mom

    Dear mom, happy birthday. last year was easier because i was working so hard on getting daughter through her senior year but this year, your loss has hit me like a ton of bricks and out of nowhere. I worked for 40 years to make you happy, proud of me, worthy of your praise and your love and i got nothing in return and was left with nothing except your blood money and my sister who you sheltered so much, i have had to take care of since your passing. I thought when you passed things would get easier but they are so much harder, i can see all the times you gaslit me and it hurts so bad, i can see how you made me your competition for your husband, i see where you hated me because i won him, won his sick perverted love. I am so torn whether to be happy you are gone or mourn i can never confront you, show you the damage taking care of you did to me, wonder if you can see my latest mark from where you are, see me weeping in the shower, trying not to vomit remembering him watching me, can you see that or has your God protected you from seeing me in constant purgatory ? A part of me wishes you have seen it and the other sick part of me wants to protect you still. So conflicted all the time how to feel, who to be now i am free with you not only on your birthday but all year long, love, hate, hurting teleah
  9. Grooming Theresa

    I made myself go out today, no list, no errands, just go out, so there I was having a good time out and about and decided to go to a drug store to price something for daughter. so I walked in and we went to the toys because even at 18, she loves looking at toys and right in the aisle staring right at me was a display of Wendy Walkers and Theresa one of my parts, froze, no she whispered to me as i tried to push her away so i could be an adult, but she was loudly crying in my head, i took a deep breath and kept walking but now theresa is still crying so i hope sharing her trauma, she will let me sleep some tonight. Theresa was seven when she got her walking doll. Kindly and she loved her like her own, they had the same color hair, eyes, sad smile and kindly never wanted to play school so theresa always had a playmate, One day her dad came in and played tea party with theresa, theresa was so happy, her dad wanted to play with her so she set up her tea set and fed him pretend tea and cookies, during the party her dad told her kindly spilled tea on her dress so theresa went to go change her, her dad pointed out how flat Kindlys chest was and how round theresa breast were, then her dad showed theresa how useless Kindlys body was then theresas dad showed how useful theresas body was by TW...putting a hairbrush inside her, it hurt but theresa was proud her body was better than Kindly, then her dad took theresas useful hand and said it was very useful to him and once again theresa made her dad happy then she wiped her hand on his hankie and they went out of her room to eat dinner with theresas brother and theresas mother, ending theresas grooming on how to be her dads little doll.
  10. Dear Sister

    Dear sister. every time you said dad today my heart broke a little more, this hurts more than the traumas i have remembered in the past year. So hard to hear you call him dad something i do not have anymore, never had, i had an abuser, a manipulator, a pedophile but never a dad then when Nodak tried to explain her heart break over D, J's girlfriend, you turned it into another time to tell me how awful it has been to accept her into your dads life and how D makes him happy, my heart burst open and i have been fighting sobbing ever sinceso my daughter does not blame you dear sister when i go down the rabbit hole, trying hard as hell to love you as an adult while Nodak hates you continue to break her heart over and over, teleah
  11. Dear Sister

    Today I saw a picture of you two together where you and i sat in a ski lift and you held my adult hand while Nodak jumped for joy, finally a sign that she would one day be yours, i know you had no idea when you were flirting with me, when you did but Nodak did and now when she was that picture she wept for over an hour that she was not in the picture, she was'nt the one making you smile like that, make you come alive like all the tiimes she worked so hard to make you smile when mom made you miserable, Nodak weeps for all the effort she gave to make you feel good about yourself when your wife, her mom cut you down to size and now another woman gets to hold your hand, go out to eat with you, share your life, after all she did, even listen to Captain Beefheart on purpose lol, and that woman gets the prize, you. Nodak is grieving so hard tonight J and I wish the adult me could tell you that or even find the words to say anything to you, teleah
  12. When He Left

    I was !0 and maybe a month when he left, my mom and dad had been going through an violent divorce for months, he had stolen my moms favorite silverware chest the one she got as a wedding gift from her boss, a watch he had bought her when she found out he bought his mistress a fur coat with his secret checking account then he took her engagement ring and her favorite only pearl necklace she got when she graduated, so my only job was to protect grapdpa's antique tools, her one real treasure, the ones he bought before the diabetes ended his job as a construction foreman, so when dad came over and headed toward the garage, I tried to stop him, i asked him to fix my bike, i offered him a beer, but he still went and got the pipe wrench and he was standing the hallway heading out and i grabbed his hand to stop him, furiously he took my hand dragged me to the bedroom threw me on the bed where he put the pipe wrench near my head as an unspoken threat, i waited to hear what i had to do but in angry silence, he raped me for the first time, he then got up with the pipe wrench told me to wash the bloody sheet and that he was happy to be leaving his retarded daughter and her psycho wife, then left, i washed the sheet, took a scalding hot shower, got in my pajamas, waited for my mom who was mad i had let him take the pipe wrench that told me to go to my room, locked me in and let me out before bed to go potty , when i did it burned like fire but went to bed, two days later i had a serious UTI from when he left. Now so many years later, my husband goes out of town and this memory shakes me and i wonder if i will ever get over the day he left, sprry so long, thank you for reading, love teleah
  13. trigger happy

    Today I was trigger happy, everything triggered me, feel so defeated tonight as i attempt to go to sleep. First I woke up from a horrific nightmare that stuck with me, then got the bill for hubbys breakdown, that made me think i was at fault for calling the police and should've found him myself that night then I locked myself in my room and wept, then i picked up what i thought was an empty backpack and found condoms, triggering the preteen mr to say 10 over and over until i went to the library to proofread my novel in progress when my mom taunted me in my head, Who told you, you could write ? Quit killing trees and When are you going to give up your silly dreams of being a writer and get a real job ? Then i went home, exhausted, defeated and my family wanted to go out for dinner, so i put on my mask and we went to dinner. Over dinner we sat by a group of mentally challenged people or as my mom used to scream at me, retard, I found myself staring at them which i hated but they triggered this ache in my heart, something i had been numb to before, but now felt so intensely i had trouble breathing, i blamed it on heartburn and finished eating as my heart was stuck when my mom would scream at me i was a retard and deserved to be institutionalized for something that angered her, my heart was remembering being called a retard most days in my childhood which i believed till i got tested at 11 when i found out i was just behind due to my seizure medication and was never considered a retard by academic standard. These emotional flashbacks caused me to feel sick, so my family had to wait for me in the car as i paced back and forth, then when i got home i curled up in a ball in my bed as my family socialized with the neighbors. After today i feel so defeated, feel like my emotional abuse will never be healed, i will never be a whole adult, so triggered to SH tonight, i want so badly to be at peace and never be triggered again, teleah
  14. Dear Sister

    Thank you for reading and your supportive responses, (((((field and DBNB))))), I was going to start a new blog but since these are very closely related am posting a letter to J, my safe stepfather and once romantic hero and still romantic hero for Nodak, the creative dreamy teenage part who fell for him at 15, here goes...... Dear J, today you told me about her, the woman you now love and lives with you, ouch. ow, dammit that hurt, hurt me to the core but mostly crushed Nodak's heart into pieces, Nodak is the girl who sat with you and listened to records with you in your room and hung on your every word, Nodak wrote poems for years about you, poems of unrequited love and for years thought you loved her back, believed in her 15 year old heart, that one day you two would end up together, but today she realized that is never going to happen and is wanting to die, she wants out which scares me because she is usually the fighter, fights for me her gift of words and hope that one day things will get better. Now she just sits and weeps at the injustice of you living with another woman while i weep you live with someone other than my mom, everything is jumbled inside me, I know Nodak was created to fight the envy i had that my sister had a safe dad, the envy my mom could move on without my dad when i was and am stuck in the past with him, frozen in self blame, hate, and the hurt his vile abuse caused me, i am glad she was there to protect me from that but right now i do not need her broken heart, i have one of my own, teleah
  15. (((((((Beamcam))))))) not true, you are smart and funny, please try not to listen to the depression that is lying to you and telling you that, sending hugs, peace and calm, love teleah

    1. Beamcam


      thank you for the kind words teleah Im just not feeling any of it lately