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About teleah

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  1. Ten

    At ten, my dad had an affair with a coworker and I was the one who told her, because a little witch in class asked what an affair is, so i stupidly asked my mom and all hell broke loose and that night my dad threw my mom into a coffee table and for two days she forgot who I was so a few days later my dad moved out and I foolishly believed the violence was over, maybe I could finally be safe but then the fighting really began, my dad would come over and steal her stuff or break it as I hid in my room and waited for mom to come home to blow up at me for letting him in and threatened she would put me away for good if I let him again, so when he came over and he went in the garage I stood in front of the door, which he got open and he was carrying a pipe wrench from mom's dad and he was swinging it back and forth as he went in the hallway, I met him there and asked him to please go, then he said, it was his house, he could do what he wanted and I asked him again and without a word he dragged me to the bedroom, he slammed down the pipe wrench and told me again he owned everything including me, then he pushed me on the bed and within minutes he was raping me, ripping me, stealing my innocence and my soul in one violent act then he got up to go, he told me to wash the sheets unless I wanted mom to think I was wiping wrong again just like the retard I was, then he went into the bathroom and broke mom's favorite vase then left, When he left I cleaned the sheet as best as I could and picked up the glass, took a bath and got in my pajamas, sat on the couch frozen in shock, until my mom came home and got mad at me for making a mess in the tub, had missed some blood and she was furious I had wiped wrong again so I was sent to my room without supper and so she could call the institution that she told me later would not take me in because I was too retarded, I was ten, ten years old.
  2. Tonight it hit me that the night before graduation, I wanted pride too but this time I wanted him to be proud of me because I had my first job, I was passing classes without special ed for the first time in my life and I took him out to eat, I paid so he would be proud of me, I dressed up in an actual dress so he would proud of me and he still took me back to the hotel and made me show him i could finally swim and then he raped me, which for the first time I was present for because I was in shock, the only thing he could be proud for me was I pleasured him, because at 17, I was still his good girl, i feel sick to my stomach and my heart hurts to breathe, I wish he would get out my head and most importantly my heart, teleah
  3. Since I first started this journey through my abuse, a question haunted me, until last weekend when after I was intimate with my husband, I was sitting on the bed fighting tears as I have done for a long time thinking of the question that never had an answer, how did he groom me, what did i get out of it, then i heard his voice, say that's my good girl and heard him moan and it hit me, finally the answer, he gave me pride he made me feel proud of pleasing him, being his good girl while my mom called me retard and pointed out i would never live up to my potential because i was a mistake from God, the way he got me to please him was to give me worth in a world where my mom did not even see me as worthwhile, that is how i saw it, how little me saw it, so I know now. now what ? My heart is broken, knowing little me had to do such vile things just to feel she had worth in her small world, teleah
  4. Thank you all for the support, TC's dad did not fight for her and she is really sad,also she was reminded of her bad grandpa tonight so she is frightened and mourning, Nodak is mourning her J is dating someone, not her as she had dreamed about since 15, Theresa is mourning the loss of a mom, not the needy woman she took care of, after seeing a real mother and daughter fix dinner together and Theresa Lee is angry she does not belong anywhere and Teleah is exhausted holding all these emotions in and sees they broke her in pieces and wonders if anything will put me together again, I have no idea how to be a whole person anymore, have no idea how to handle their losses and stay safe, teleah
  5. Thank you ((((((dbnb and annie)))))), as a real parent does, I did what was best for her. so I decided to protect her and emailed her and my dad and said goodbye to him so she can be safe and grow knowing she is loved and taken care of, so know she is so sad, grieving him as if he passed, but to her little sad self, he is gone forever so i have to figure out how to comfort her and how to stay safe knowing i no longer have a dad and am now am orphan. teleah
  6. TC just wants her dad

    Went back to therapy this Thursday, still in outpatient but had to see if i could get trauma therapy and found out I could, wish was good news maybe. Anyway most of the session was talking to TC, my youngest little, she is 3 or 4, she is so little, it hurts to look at her, she does not usually talk just cries but she talked this time,because I was willing to hear her or maybe she found her voice, I asked her what she needed from me and she said, she needed to be be believed, she needed to feel safe so i held her and stroked her hair and told her she no longer had to see her dad, i would protect her and she cried and said no he was her daddy and told me she did'nt trust me because i had hurt her a whole bunch of times, i told her i wouldnt do that anymore she just fell quiet as the therapy appointment ended and now i have to write my dad a goodbye letter and she keeps weeping, i can hear her like when she showed me TW.... her daddy teaching her to bring the leopard blanket and how to sneak her little hand under and please him as her mommy made dinner and her big brother played in the same room, I do not how to get her trust after hurting her through self harm through years, I want to tell her saying goodbye to her daddy is a good thing but she just sits and cries, i have no idea what to do now because all TC wants is her daddy.
  7. ((((((Annie))))))). thank you for listening and hearing me, little teleah is so blessed to know little Annie and have her love and support, sending you love toys and orange soda, love teleah
  8. T met Theresa

    TW..... Last Tuesday I had a doctor appointment and had an episode, i rocked in my chair and tried to not cry, I sat there just looking at the examining table, seeing little Theresa, me at age six and I am red down there and my dad is glaring at me and the doctor is telling me how to wipe and i am humiliated, we go home and dad tells my mom what the doctor said and she flies into a rage and makes me wipe in front of her and dad until i bleed, then makes me go to bed, the next morning she tells me if i want to be a retard i can go to an institution where people will crap their pants in front of me and play with themselves, then i went to school as if nothing happened. These images haunted me until my appointment when i told my t about the doctor appointment and was about to tell her about my memory when theresa told her about my self harm and she was tired of fighting the memories and felt broken, so my t went and got the director and soon his husband was driving me for an assessment and now i am in outpatient, feel like i am too much to heal, feel like no therapist is ever going to be prepared to treat me, feel like there is no hope of me to heal because i let theresa meet my t, teleah
  9. Thank you (((((((child)))))), Twice I have had nightmares about my mom, not used of her being the one who haunts me, today her words are loud because i am feeling so sad and exhausted, her calling me a victim is the word i am fighting today, teleah
  10. words

    Victim, was my moms favorite word for me, her greatest wish was for me to stop playing the victim in my life story, if i could just be a victor, i would drive, have a job, lose weight. get published if only i could see myself as a victor, she would be proud. Worthless was another favorite word for me, i was worthless because i never saw my potential. i was worthless because i did not drive, have a job, lose weight. Burden was another favorite word for me, my seizures were a burden to her, my clothes, my shoes, my soap, my braces, my schooling, all were a huge burden to her, These are the words i fight in mu head everyday and tonight they are booming after asking my stepdad for part of my inheritance, which he has offered me in the past but i am still fighting those words my mom used to describe me and tonight my biggest fear she was right.
  11. Thank you (((((DBNB)))))) Nodak is so sad over this loss, I am not used of her hurting, she is the poet in me, the romantic in me, but now she is shut down, thank you for sitting with me again, love teleah
  12. Nodak

    Tenth Grade in high school was hell. I was Tw..... date raped in October, my crush got engaged while ,my mom got married and I never felt so alone in my fifteen years, I was overweight, scared and had sworn off boys after a painful breakup in my freshman year, I was alone while my mom and Jim went on a date, I looked in the bathroom and found my old seizure medication, not seeing things get better, I got a beer and went to my room, where my radio was on, and I was about to take the pills when the radio dj announced Wham's newest single "Everything She Wants", I was so excited I jumped up and the pills spilled everywhere and in that second, George Michael was the reason for not taking the pills, Nodak was saved because of his song. Nodak begin writing to him a journal of all her young relationship problems, her mothers emotional abuse, her date rape, her fuzzy memories of her past, the eternal love she felt for her crush, writing to him saved her life over and over until I got married yet Nodak was still part of me and George was still the reason to keep going, one more single, one more cd, one more concert, but now George is gone and Nodak is lost inside me, telling me there is no reason to keep going, her heart is broken and I have no idea how to comfort her, I normally embrace Nodak but now she as broken as the rest of me, not sure how to take care of her, now her George is gone.
  13. TC

    TC got a card from dad today, it said he loved her, she was happy to get it, it proved he was not the monster, he is a good dad, he loves her, he loves me, so hard to let TC in, she loves this man with her whole young heart, not sure how to love someone who loves her monster, have no idea, so lost right now, teleah
  14. TC

    (((my(mentalhealth))))), Thank you TC is my sad grieving little girl and she misses her mom, who passed last feb,she is the suicidal thoughts, the one that leads me to a very dark place, i want to embrace her but she scares me, she keeps sharing what she went through, what i went through, whew this is hard, thank you so much for your support and amazing response, love teleah
  15. TC

    Thank you ((((((Mymentalhealth)))))),my husband has decided to work full time in Missouri, which has caused TC to come out been close to tears all last night and today, t says that is normal, it is her job to carry the sadness and right now it is too heavy for her to carry so i have to carry some too, This hurts so much, i want her to go away, i want to go away, sorry I met TC, sorry she was created, Teleah