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teleah

Contributing Member
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    Female

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    Survivor

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  1. teleah

    So Lost

    Thank you for reading and for sitting with me much needed, thank you abhaya
  2. teleah

    So Lost

    I lost my half sister nine months ago and I am so lost in self hate, self blame, I have spent weeks sexting strange men to distract myself from my grief. My grief is for the loss of her, but she was it, my last blood. I grieve I wasted so much time, envious that she got the safe dad, so much time wasted lost in my pain of my past, I didn't get to love her in the present for the fragile flower my sister was not the entitled princess I had written her to be. I am so lost, lost in sexual addiction, lost in self harm, as my stepfather gets married this weekend. I am so lost, bpd finds me and says
  3. I only told my mom about my babysitter, because she guessed because I was acting jumpy when she asked what we did together, so she got mad and demanded I tell the truth, so I did but looking back she was not upset he was abusing her 8 year old daughter but relieved, there was a reason for the tw....rashes, infections, tearing, and it was not my dad or so she convinced herself so she could continue to be a good mom. My heart breaks knowing little Teleah was not supported by her
  4. teleah

    Flood of Shame

    This virus has caused a core subject of my abuse, shame and emotional abuse. Tw.....When I was seven our town was hit by a flood, our street was flooded and we had no water so we used a bucket for 3 or 4 days so I ended up sick, constipated, causing my mother to shame me in front of my dad and my older brother, which was my normal , then my friend Susie came over to ask me to play and my mom said not until I pooped in the bucket, I felt such deep shame, I still do, she installed that shame in me, I grew up ashamed of my body, of just being. I never told anyone but the reason I could not go in
  5. teleah

    The case against me

    (((((((Child)))))) thank you for reading and your support, sending support and hugs, love teleah
  6. Everyone says not my fault she is gone but they do not have my mountain of evidence. Exhibit a, I let my mom gaslight that she was overemotional, flighty, not sick. Exhibit b, I believe I was entrusting her to a capable father, I assumed he had the capacity to help her, I let my fantasy that he was a Prince fool me into believing he could take care of her, which he did not, Exhibit c, I let my jealousy get in the way of seeing her pain, of seeing her traumas. Exhibit d, I believed when she told me she wasn't drinking that much, that she was eating because of my brokenness because it was easie
  7. teleah

    Six boxes

    My sister Carina passed two long weeks ago, I went home for the funeral and ended up going through her belongings from 32 short years. I kept some of her books, her electic cd collection and some of her sketches, which all fit into six boxes which are now being shipped to me. I do not want the damn boxes, I want her back, I want to hear her whine about her room mates, laugh at her dating disasters, then tell her how sorry I am I believed my mom when she told me she was the strong one, the one who would make it into the world, unlike me. I am so sorry I let mom gaslight me that she was stable,
  8. teleah

    Goodbyes

    I keep dreaming of my mom, who passed three years ago, I am always looking for her through my old toys, but I never find her, just hit me that I can't find her because she was never there, I spent my whole life looking for the mom I needed her to be a nurturing safe mom but I had an angry critical abusive self centered little girl raising me who needed me to prove her worth, her existence, so I can never find my mom because I never had a mom, really struggling how to say goodbye to the woman who raised me, the woman who has caused me to want to say goodbye since I was eleven, really struggling
  9. teleah

    Goodbyes

    Been a week since she left with the pets, I feel frozen on my couch, ghosts of my abuse around me and since she took her pets with her, no fur babies to distract or comfort me. I feel so disconnected from the world now, scared these ghosts could lead me to my final goodbye, wish I could say goodbye to the BPD monster that is thrashing inside me, teleah
  10. teleah

    Goodbyes

    Thank you for the responses, I spent yesterday wrecked, my daughter called after closing and told me her boyfriend was picking up her stuff without her, I fell apart, wept until she came home, she calmed down when she saw my state. All I can think about today is what a burden I am to her, how I want her to celebrate her huge step without worrying about her crazy mom like I did for 40 years. Today I feel weak, wrecked and fighting ghosts of goodbyes while trying not to be one of my daughter's goodbye. Thank you for listening, so grateful you hear me. (((((((Child and IHeartCupcakes)))))))), lov
  11. teleah

    Goodbyes

    My daughter is moving out soon, as in a week to live with her boyfriend, this has triggered so many memories of goodbyes. My first goodbye I can remember was my safe grandpa passing, I was not allowed to say goodbye because it was my job to make sure mom was ok while my dad played the role of concerned dad taking us to a park and telling not to cry or we would get it later, so I smiled and played with my brother all day. The second goodbye was my dad walking out the last time, before that he had stormed out but the final time was when I split into one of me, TW, the last time he walked out, he
  12. teleah

    Secrets I Kept

    The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a Vail t-shirt for me and told me only big girls could keep a secret, then I smiled at him and asked
  13. teleah

    Secrets I Kept

    The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a Vail t-shirt for me and told me only big girls could keep a secret, then I smiled at him and asked
  14. teleah

    Secrets I Kept

    The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a Vail t-shirt for me and told me only big girls could keep a secret, then I smiled at him and asked
  15. Wow, so brave sharing this, shows the horrific confusing internal battle that is incest, sending hugs and thoughts of hope and healing, love teleah
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