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teleahstears

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About this blog

recovering from csa and the struggle of accepting it and coping with the aftermath

Entries in this blog

So Lost

I lost my half sister nine months ago and I am so lost in self hate, self blame, I have spent weeks sexting strange men to distract myself from my grief. My grief is for the loss of her, but she was it, my last blood. I grieve I wasted so much time, envious that she got the safe dad, so much time wasted lost in my pain of my past, I didn't get to love her in the present for the fragile flower my sister was not the entitled princess I had written her to be. I am so lost, lost in sexual addiction,

teleah

teleah

Why she believed me

I only told my mom about my babysitter, because she guessed because  I was acting jumpy when she asked what we did together, so she got mad and demanded I tell the truth, so I did but looking back she was not upset he was abusing her 8 year old daughter but relieved, there was a reason for the tw....rashes, infections, tearing, and it was not my dad or so she convinced herself so she could continue to be a good mom. My heart breaks knowing little Teleah was not supported by her

teleah

teleah

Flood of Shame

This virus has caused a core subject of my abuse, shame and emotional abuse. Tw.....When I was seven our town was hit by a flood, our street was flooded and we had no water so we used a bucket for 3 or 4 days so I ended up sick, constipated, causing my mother to shame me in front of my dad and my older brother, which was my normal , then my friend Susie came over to ask me to play and my mom said not until I pooped in the bucket, I felt such deep shame, I still do, she installed that shame in me

teleah

teleah

The case against me

Everyone says not my fault she is gone but they do not have my mountain of evidence. Exhibit a, I let my mom gaslight that she was overemotional, flighty, not sick. Exhibit b, I believe I was entrusting her to a capable father, I assumed he had the capacity to help her, I let my fantasy that he was a Prince fool me into believing he could take care of her, which he did not, Exhibit c, I let my jealousy get in the way of seeing her pain, of  seeing her traumas. Exhibit d, I believed when she told

teleah

teleah

Six boxes

My sister Carina passed two long weeks ago, I went home for the funeral and ended up going through her belongings from 32 short years. I kept some of her books, her electic cd collection and some of her sketches, which all fit into six boxes which are now being shipped to me. I do not want the damn boxes, I want her back, I want to hear her whine about her room mates, laugh at her dating disasters, then tell her how sorry I am I believed my mom when she told me she was the strong one, the one wh

teleah

teleah

Goodbyes

My daughter is moving out soon, as in a week to live with her boyfriend, this has triggered so many memories of goodbyes. My first goodbye I can remember was my safe grandpa passing, I was not allowed to say goodbye because it was my job to make sure mom was ok while my dad played the role of concerned dad taking us to a park and telling not to cry or we would get it later, so I smiled and played with my brother all day. The second goodbye was my dad walking out the last time, before that he had

teleah

teleah

Secrets I Kept

The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a

teleah

teleah

Secrets I Kept

The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a

teleah

teleah

Secrets I Kept

The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a

teleah

teleah

Finally free ?

Last week I told my stepdad about my abuse and how it molded the romantic illusion I have had about him since we met, I thought this would break the chains to my deceased emotionally verbal abusive mom but it just exposed to me how vile she was to me, she convinced me he would not understand or believe me and we would never talk again if I told, our and out lies, he believes me and wants to stay in my life as a dad figure, I am once again surprised she can lie so easily to me, her daughter. Had

teleah

teleah

Gas Fumes

I have had this memory before but tonight it brought me to my knees, I no longer want to know TC my three to five year old, not mad at her but her memories are so awful, just would rather she go away . Tonight I was in the car, when I rode by a restaurant that had a gas leak, the smell took me back to my grandpa's garage TW.....I can hear my mom calling for me, my tiny hand is in bad grandpa's pocket stroking him and he has not yuck yet so he puts his gas scented hands over my mouth so she does

teleah

teleah

Three Years

Dear mom, it's been three years since you passed, not a day goes by I am not conflicted between missing you and relieved you are gone and so is your gaslighting and emotional neglect and abuse.In the last three years, I have tried to stop defending you not protecting me from my pedophile grandpa, dad and his friend, you are no longer poor mom who grew up unloved so you did not know better, you are the mom that insisted I wore love baby's soft perfume between my thighs at six, insisted on me mode

teleah

teleah

Back Pain

The pain started three nights ago, a searing pain in back, right where the pain of numerous kidney infections began when I was seven eight nine. When I was nine I was hit with a searing burning pain and I knew it was another kidney infection so I did not tell anyone until I was moaning in pain when my mom yelled at my dad I need to go to the doctor again for an infection but this time I could tell it was different it felt swollen, like someone had kicked me, he got mad and threw me in the bathro

teleah

teleah

His, Always Will Be His

This weekend hubby is in town so we are working on me being present during relations and most of the weekend it has been pleasurable for both of us but this afternoon as I tried to be held, all I could hear was his TW.......instructions how to please him with my mouth and my heart broke, am so defeated, working so hard and his voice is still there reminding me, I will always be  his, he owns a deep part of me, my first kiss, my first touch, my first time and no matter what i do that will never b

teleah

teleah

Unstuck Words

Today I am useless at conversation, all my mouth wants to speak is the unstuck words, TW, my dad tried to sell me, i asked if i could move in senior year and he said we would discuss it over lunch so went for lunch where we met a man, i thought was an intern teacher who knew my dad, so we had lunch with him and for the first time i debated politics out loud and history, I was super proud I no longer sound like a retard, so proud I was finally smart enough for my dad or so i thought, then after l

teleah

teleah

All for nothing

This week i looked up my abuser and found he erased me from my family tree, i was never born so I protected him for nothing, kept his abuse for secrets for nothing, fooled myself one day he would love me as a daughter not his property, i thought when i quit contact with him to stay sane, he would at least admit i existed but nope once and for all i get it, i was nothing to him but his sick plaything, i was never his daughter. I also foolishly believed if i was a good daughter to my abusive mom,

teleah

teleah

What you left me

What you left me mom, what you left behind, was haunting words like retard mistake stupid not living up to my potential, a family you pushed away so i sided with you and now i have no family, a broken spirit that could never do anything right, make you happy, make you proud just because I was your daughter, anger searing my gut for all the times you told me i was waste of space and time, angry you never protected me from vile people, but no that was not enough mom, you left me with a sister you

teleah

teleah

When ?

When will i feel safe in my shower, my bath ? When will sleep not be my number one enemy ? When will a trigger just be a part of a gun ? When will I not hate myself for letting others get hurt ? When will i start protecting myself and not them ? When will i feel like a full sexual wife that does not shy away from his touch, his need ? When will i not hate myself for believing he ever loved me, i was anything but a doll to him ? When will his voice fade, not haunt my nights, my thoughts, my ears

teleah

teleah

Back at the River

No I do not want to be back here again, how many times am I going to revisit this river in my mind ? How many times am I going to see her smile turn to shock as he orders us to remove our clothes, the look of terror when she saw him take the pictures of us in our newly bought training bra and panties, telling us he was lucky to have such pretty models, when am I going to quit visiting this river when I know it puts me in the deep dark forest running toward a truck, running towards an end to this

teleah

teleah

Do not call me a survivor

Everyone calls me a survivor which pisses me off; i survived the horrific abuse, yayy me, now i am trying to survive the flashbacks, body memories, and not sleeping. Trying to survive being a whole wife, a wife who can be intimate with her husband without her fathers ghost voice in her ear, whispering i will always be his good girl, that i am going to be a great wife to someone some day and how lucky he has such a loving daughter. I know in the past i survived the rapes, the photo sessions, gran

teleah

teleah

Dear Mom

Dear mom, I sit here, my heart broken and even from heaven or hell, not sure which one, you are still breaking my heart, i am still finding out the deep damage you did to me, still discovering the depth of your abuse and neglect. Since you passed, I have come to some important revelations.TW.... 1.. You not only knew about my pedophile father, you used me to keep him interested in you, you let him watch us shower and flirt with him in front of me so you could get the love you deserved. 2...The r

teleah

teleah

Her Evidence

Two nights ago was bad, i had a young visitor, Theresa, she is seven and is a part of me, we have met before but this time she came with pictures, pictures of her, of me at seven, these pictures showed me at seven , she is smiling at the camera, her big brother next to her trying to look cool, her father next to her smiling proudly with a loving arm wrapped around my beautifyul beaming mom, i just smiled when she showed me these pictures, thanked her for showing me i had good times as a little g

teleah

teleah

Easter Dress

Last night Theresa age 7 visited me and she revealed why she believes she caused him to hurt her, showed me from her perspective, a moment that she believes changed everything. , the day she came on to her day, Easter morning.......TW, I just got a new Easter dress. white and red checked, and my mom had curled my unruly hair, i heard my dad coming so i waited for him to come in and he came in mad. yelling about how we were going to be late and get my shoes on my damn feet, so i did and then look

teleah

teleah

Why Am I not worth fighting for ?

Having a rough night tonight, I am trying to fight the negative voices but all I can hear, is my mom telling me I am not worth love and no one would ever love me as much as her. My heart is breaking because it hits me how no one has ever fought for me, my dad gave me away to grandpa and his friends, my stepdad did not fight for our friendship to continue or for me to be a part of his life, my mom did not fight for me, she just let dad have me for two weeks every summer even though i would come h

teleah

teleah

Christmas at Seven

I was seven, it was my favorite time of the year, Christmas and we had spent three tense hours putting up the tree and it was finally time to put up the angel and my dad grabbed me, lifted me up and was leering at me, looking up my skirt, i felt the heat and shame as he took me down and my mother glared at me. The same Christmas, my dad and I somehow got in the bedroom and he wanted to TW anally rape me so he fingered me and ended up ripping me pretty bad so we ran to the grocery store for cream

teleah

teleah

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