Jump to content

teleahstears

  • entries
    46
  • comments
    221
  • views
    7,464

About this blog

recovering from csa and the struggle of accepting it and coping with the aftermath

Entries in this blog

 

Secrets I Kept

The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a

teleah

teleah

 

Secrets I Kept

The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a

teleah

teleah

 

Secrets I Kept

The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a

teleah

teleah

 

Finally free ?

Last week I told my stepdad about my abuse and how it molded the romantic illusion I have had about him since we met, I thought this would break the chains to my deceased emotionally verbal abusive mom but it just exposed to me how vile she was to me, she convinced me he would not understand or believe me and we would never talk again if I told, our and out lies, he believes me and wants to stay in my life as a dad figure, I am once again surprised she can lie so easily to me, her daughter. Had

teleah

teleah

 

Gas Fumes

I have had this memory before but tonight it brought me to my knees, I no longer want to know TC my three to five year old, not mad at her but her memories are so awful, just would rather she go away . Tonight I was in the car, when I rode by a restaurant that had a gas leak, the smell took me back to my grandpa's garage TW.....I can hear my mom calling for me, my tiny hand is in bad grandpa's pocket stroking him and he has not yuck yet so he puts his gas scented hands over my mouth so she does

teleah

teleah

 

Three Years

Dear mom, it's been three years since you passed, not a day goes by I am not conflicted between missing you and relieved you are gone and so is your gaslighting and emotional neglect and abuse.In the last three years, I have tried to stop defending you not protecting me from my pedophile grandpa, dad and his friend, you are no longer poor mom who grew up unloved so you did not know better, you are the mom that insisted I wore love baby's soft perfume between my thighs at six, insisted on me mode

teleah

teleah

 

Back Pain

The pain started three nights ago, a searing pain in back, right where the pain of numerous kidney infections began when I was seven eight nine. When I was nine I was hit with a searing burning pain and I knew it was another kidney infection so I did not tell anyone until I was moaning in pain when my mom yelled at my dad I need to go to the doctor again for an infection but this time I could tell it was different it felt swollen, like someone had kicked me, he got mad and threw me in the bathro

teleah

teleah

 

His, Always Will Be His

This weekend hubby is in town so we are working on me being present during relations and most of the weekend it has been pleasurable for both of us but this afternoon as I tried to be held, all I could hear was his TW.......instructions how to please him with my mouth and my heart broke, am so defeated, working so hard and his voice is still there reminding me, I will always beĀ  his, he owns a deep part of me, my first kiss, my first touch, my first time and no matter what i do that will never b

teleah

teleah

 

Unstuck Words

Today I am useless at conversation, all my mouth wants to speak is the unstuck words, TW, my dad tried to sell me, i asked if i could move in senior year and he said we would discuss it over lunch so went for lunch where we met a man, i thought was an intern teacher who knew my dad, so we had lunch with him and for the first time i debated politics out loud and history, I was super proud I no longer sound like a retard, so proud I was finally smart enough for my dad or so i thought, then after l

teleah

teleah

 

All for nothing

This week i looked up my abuser and found he erased me from my family tree, i was never born so I protected him for nothing, kept his abuse for secrets for nothing, fooled myself one day he would love me as a daughter not his property, i thought when i quit contact with him to stay sane, he would at least admit i existed but nope once and for all i get it, i was nothing to him but his sick plaything, i was never his daughter. I also foolishly believed if i was a good daughter to my abusive mom,

teleah

teleah

 

What you left me

What you left me mom, what you left behind, was haunting words like retard mistake stupid not living up to my potential, a family you pushed away so i sided with you and now i have no family, a broken spirit that could never do anything right, make you happy, make you proud just because I was your daughter, anger searing my gut for all the times you told me i was waste of space and time, angry you never protected me from vile people, but no that was not enough mom, you left me with a sister you

teleah

teleah

 

When ?

When will i feel safe in my shower, my bath ? When will sleep not be my number one enemy ? When will a trigger just be a part of a gun ? When will I not hate myself for letting others get hurt ? When will i start protecting myself and not them ? When will i feel like a full sexual wife that does not shy away from his touch, his need ? When will i not hate myself for believing he ever loved me, i was anything but a doll to him ? When will his voice fade, not haunt my nights, my thoughts, my ears

teleah

teleah

 

Back at the River

No I do not want to be back here again, how many times am I going to revisit this river in my mind ? How many times am I going to see her smile turn to shock as he orders us to remove our clothes, the look of terror when she saw him take the pictures of us in our newly bought training bra and panties, telling us he was lucky to have such pretty models, when am I going to quit visiting this river when I know it puts me in the deep dark forest running toward a truck, running towards an end to this

teleah

teleah

 

Do not call me a survivor

Everyone calls me a survivor which pisses me off; i survived the horrific abuse, yayy me, now i am trying to survive the flashbacks, body memories, and not sleeping. Trying to survive being a whole wife, a wife who can be intimate with her husband without her fathers ghost voice in her ear, whispering i will always be his good girl, that i am going to be a great wife to someone some day and how lucky he has such a loving daughter. I know in the past i survived the rapes, the photo sessions, gran

teleah

teleah

 

Dear Mom

Dear mom, I sit here, my heart broken and even from heaven or hell, not sure which one, you are still breaking my heart, i am still finding out the deep damage you did to me, still discovering the depth of your abuse and neglect. Since you passed, I have come to some important revelations.TW.... 1.. You not only knew about my pedophile father, you used me to keep him interested in you, you let him watch us shower and flirt with him in front of me so you could get the love you deserved. 2...The r

teleah

teleah

 

Her Evidence

Two nights ago was bad, i had a young visitor, Theresa, she is seven and is a part of me, we have met before but this time she came with pictures, pictures of her, of me at seven, these pictures showed me at seven , she is smiling at the camera, her big brother next to her trying to look cool, her father next to her smiling proudly with a loving arm wrapped around my beautifyul beaming mom, i just smiled when she showed me these pictures, thanked her for showing me i had good times as a little g

teleah

teleah

 

Easter Dress

Last night Theresa age 7 visited me and she revealed why she believes she caused him to hurt her, showed me from her perspective, a moment that she believes changed everything. , the day she came on to her day, Easter morning.......TW, I just got a new Easter dress. white and red checked, and my mom had curled my unruly hair, i heard my dad coming so i waited for him to come in and he came in mad. yelling about how we were going to be late and get my shoes on my damn feet, so i did and then look

teleah

teleah

 

Why Am I not worth fighting for ?

Having a rough night tonight, I am trying to fight the negative voices but all I can hear, is my mom telling me I am not worth love and no one would ever love me as much as her. My heart is breaking because it hits me how no one has ever fought for me, my dad gave me away to grandpa and his friends, my stepdad did not fight for our friendship to continue or for me to be a part of his life, my mom did not fight for me, she just let dad have me for two weeks every summer even though i would come h

teleah

teleah

 

Christmas at Seven

I was seven, it was my favorite time of the year, Christmas and we had spent three tense hours putting up the tree and it was finally time to put up the angel and my dad grabbed me, lifted me up and was leering at me, looking up my skirt, i felt the heat and shame as he took me down and my mother glared at me. The same Christmas, my dad and I somehow got in the bedroom and he wanted to TW anally rape me so he fingered me and ended up ripping me pretty bad so we ran to the grocery store for cream

teleah

teleah

 

Happy Birthday Mom

Dear mom, happy birthday. last year was easier because i was working so hard on getting daughter through her senior year but this year, your loss has hit me like a ton of bricks and out of nowhere. I worked for 40 years to make you happy, proud of me, worthy of your praise and your love and i got nothing in return and was left with nothing except your blood money and my sister who you sheltered so much, i have had to take care of since your passing. I thought when you passed things would get eas

teleah

teleah

 

Grooming Theresa

I made myself go out today, no list, no errands, just go out, so there I was having a good time out and about and decided to go to a drug store to price something for daughter. so I walked in and we went to the toys because even at 18, she loves looking at toys and right in the aisle staring right at me was a display of Wendy Walkers and Theresa one of my parts, froze, no she whispered to me as i tried to push her away so i could be an adult, but she was loudly crying in my head, i took a deep b

teleah

teleah

 

When He Left

I was !0 and maybe a month when he left, my mom and dad had been going through an violent divorce for months, he had stolen my moms favorite silverware chest the one she got as a wedding gift from her boss, a watch he had bought her when she found out he bought his mistress a fur coat with his secret checking account then he took her engagement ring and her favorite only pearl necklace she got when she graduated, so my only job was to protect grapdpa's antique tools, her one real treasure, the o

teleah

teleah

 

trigger happy

Today I was trigger happy, everything triggered me, feel so defeated tonight as i attempt to go to sleep. First I woke up from a horrific nightmare that stuck with me, then got the bill for hubbys breakdown, that made me think i was at fault for calling the police and should've found him myself that night then I locked myself in my room and wept, then i picked up what i thought was an empty backpack and found condoms, triggering the preteen mr to say 10 over and over until i went to the library

teleah

teleah

 

Dear Sister

Dear Sister, You say you are proud of me how i have gotten over my past, ok really, dammit,TW... tell that to my leg that is bruised because I had a horrible flashback of my father pleasuring himself on the toliet while i took a bath, which caused me to have a dizzy attack and fall on my tubTW...., tell that to my neck that is swollen and hurt because i choked myself last night so hard just to shut up the loud littles that wanted to share their stories of horror and i just wanted to sleep, tell

teleah

teleah

 

Night with TC

Yesterday I did not eat much, my beloved cat Hardy passed the night before after a long few days of struggling to breathe, he passed eight months after my other beloved cat Laurel passed. I have no safe place to land anymore which caused TC to come out, let me see her in her frilly pink dress with black dress shoes, I could see her sitting on my bed with me and she was bawling, I tried to comfort her but she just wept then i tried to fall asleep, lied there as she told me about her bad grandpa,

teleah

teleah

×
×
  • Create New...