I’m also very sorry for your loss , I know we all deal with grief differently and sometimes it takes years . I lost my grandfather few years ago and I’m still not completely over it . But eventually , sadly, you get used to it . You never forget them , there’s a bit of them everywhere but just know that she is now in a better place and looking out for you . I don’t know the whole story and maybe that’s why I don’t understand why you blame yourself but it’s not your fault . Not at all.
Sending you all my best wishes and support and if you need to talk I will gladly listen . (Sorry for the mistakes english is not my first language)