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About fallenstar

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    Music, reading, writing, art, coffee (lots of it) and cats.

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  1. Rejection and fear

    I dont even know who this is but we are upset, pretty scared about being bounced around again to another shelter. Parts of us feel worthless because we are too much trouble for everyone. We cant find a place we belong. Its lonely. Its scary. For over a week now, we have been trying to find another place to go which supports mental health AND DV victims. They don't seem to exist. But thats what they (the ones at this shelter) have been telling us we need. DID doc has us on a waiting list to see an Occupational Therapist for a hospital day program. Don't know how long that will take. Our child starts school on Monday, is facing ear surgery now, and will be starting transition male to female at the end of this month....and i don't know where we are going to be living. Feeling scared. We don't even have a car to stay in. Shelter says they wont leave us homeless but i am still scared of that. Who wants to be rejected again? They say its not rejection, but we have told them so much personal stuff and have concluded they are not the right resource for us. No!! The right resource would be for us to be in our own home (FUCK community living - we hate it!!) continue therapy with DID doc, start the day program, have our kid back in school regularly, do our own chores when we want in our own home cleaning up our own messes, learning how to be social creatures again after being hurt again by someone we cared about, loved, and trusted. We need to be ourselves without being afraid someone will think we come from the movie Split. Or Criminal Minds. We want our littles to self soothe the body and mind because the adults dont have a clue how to self soothe. Angela has been learning more about grounding. Preventative stuff. Like when newbie Xena comes out in public to make sure the body gets to where we need to go, Angela can prevent the need for that. Ok thats good. But in an anxiety attack or panic attack, we feel alone and scared and crazy and very sad. crap, we are totally all talking here, not one of us out long enough to state our names. Thats ok. This is a bunch of selves and how we feel. we are supposed to be putting into practice the positive self talk stuff. Tape over the negative stuff in our mind cassette tape with positive things from friends and counsellors and DID doc (he said he sees a pretty young woman across from him no matter who is out....okay, but PRETTY?? How to integrate THAT? Even Xena laughed hard at that remark. He was making a statement, not being weird or gross, and here Xena laughed because she said Angela has the ugliest face of us all.....the depression she wears is ugly and she cant hide it). i (whoever i is) dont know what else to say. We will be getting our answer in a little over an hour whether this shelter will let us stay til the end of the three months or if we find a home before that, but we do NOT want to go to another short term shelter again. Enough is enough!! Dont wanna trust nobody again, all the nice people dont stay and all the mean people wanna stay an they stick close to us an we hate it. We feel stupid n no good an like poop people get on the botom of there shoes. Nobody likes that. We feel like that anoying poop. Bye from a lot of us we include some names from some we can remember who participated Alexa, Sarah, Darren, Angie, Violet, Amanda and others who didnt let us know they were here writing
  2. Talking to mommy about DID *tw*

    Hi it is alexa this be triggering becus i talk just a litle about csa that my daddy did to me we gots to leave soon we go to sience center for kids will be fun we went before last nite angela talkd to mommy again about us haveing did an mommy seem not so sure bout it she said she thinks its like an exuse for bad acts but wen angela telld her about jess and violet and sarah an that they not bad, i think an hope that mommy understand it is not exuse, it is explaining why we diffrent why angela need us for diffrent stuff. Becus jess was our protecter our self defense, an violet is the one who does not talk wen it does not feel safe to talk, an sarah takes charge an helps us get planning and phone calls and adult stuf done, so how is exuse for anything, we just ways to help angela get thru life is all, we protect her. I even camed out to talk to mommy myself to tell her why i did not tell her what daddy was doing becus i was scared of him, he made mommy scared lots too an did not want him to hurt her or us for if we telld her about him. She said i shud have told her. But i could not. Was too scared. Befor i went to bed, i finally told mommy that it was me, the one she saw a few years ago an told me to grow up an be adult but i am no adult i am a litle kid. She say why do you tell me this? I telld her so that she understand an mabey she can no that i am not bad. We get no gain from getting her to beleve us we have did. Life is harder now angela no she has did. We dont get nothin good from it so it not fair wen mommy think we do it for any reason exept to be believd about our pain. Mommy hugged me wen i cryd becus i needed my mommy my whole life. angela telled her she wants a good healthy relashunship with her mommy an does not want blame her no more, she wants to forgive her but it will help if she believs us about did at least. anyways gotts to go, bye bye have a good day from alexa
  3. Major vent from Brooke

    This is Brooke. I have been hilariously referred to as Sarah's superior; a so-called back up protector. I am just fierce. A little word of warning. This is a very angry post littered with a bunch of swearing. So this was our day. it's fucking COLD outside, but still had to go out to get our kid's medication refill. Ear infections suck big time. If this infection hasn't cleared up by the time Monday rolls around (when kid sees ear specialist again), will need fucking SURGERY to clear out the remaining infection crap. It's so bad, it's caused "mild to moderate" hearing loss in the right ear. Scary shit!! we had to go back out again to get a phone card and Angela decided to on the spot drop in at a hair salon to ask their price for a trim. It was super cheap so she got it done. She actually treated herself, and maybe now she will at least feel a little better about the hair. Now all the split ends are gone. We switched a couple times, earlier, Darren was out, feeling angry like he has been lately. I really don't blame him. I am pissed, too. Things aren't exactly stable and have not been for some time. Angela can't talk to any of her friends without needing emotional support and she is tired of feeling needy so she stays away....avoids is more like it. Even though she needs them. She is also avoiding talking to the counselors at this shelter except for her primary because she was told she is too emotionally unstable and they are not equipped to deal with her switching and emotional ups and downs. What the fuck do they expect from someone who has been through so fucking much? To smile and accept that her life is shitty and be positive even though every single step to get through this has been so damn difficult? She has literally been making plenty of phone calls for mental health resources in this new area in the past 3 weeks we are presently staying in and still they (the shelter) are telling her they have to look for a resource that is better equipped to "help" her. She should "feel positive" about this. Never mind that we left a second abusive relationship for a shelter and this is our second shelter since. Never mind all the procedures she has had to do, even through all the intense anxiety and ptsd caused by her fucking stupid bit*h ex. Never mind that we are on a waiting list for low cost housing. Never mind that it took two weeks to find a new school for our kid. Now they want us to go somewhere else. But where? Who will be equipped enough to help us? With no one but DID doc, a new crisis worker, a newly assigned social worker, and our primary worker, we have no one to talk to. (Don't forget the avoidance of friends because she's scared....fucking social anxiety). All professionals. And us. But we aren't any help at all. I dont know how we are supposed to communicate with her when we are dealing with so much crap inside. She keeps trying to journal but all she's met with are angry ones, sad little Alexa, disturbed Baby, raging me, and her own depressed self. Hardly helpful. Let me just say that DID sucks hard. You're not supposed to feel alone with you have 25 + selves inside, but that's exactly how it is. We are too separated to help. We are all fucked up. The functional ones aren't functioning for us much. Angela is dragging her feet every fucking day trying to be responsible, respectful, a good mother, trying to not switch overtly in front of strangers, trying to keep a hold on her emotions and they are telling her to stop going in circles of negativity and think positive. Yeah right. She even caved in and asked DID doc for anxiety meds for the interim. And she quit all meds a year ago because the side effects had decreased her quality of life. A little venting note to the shelter: Try.....just fucking TRY to practice a little damn empathy and step in our shoes for ten minutes. I dare you. Don't tell her you understand it all must be incredibly difficult for her and then tell her that us alters arent allowed to talk to you. Don't tell her to not worry about where she will end up and how she's going to get there. Don't make her feel she can't be handled because of mental health shit. She didn't ask for one bit of this. If i need to come out and tell you these things myself, i will definitely get us kicked out, i know that. That's why I'm blogging this and not saying it out loud. I'm fucking angry about it all. Blame me? I don't give two shits about that. But you're a womens shelter. You should care about her. She's a woman in a lot of pain and she came for help. Not to feel that she is too much for you. Have some fucking compassion. Brooke
  4. Too many of us, one body

    Hi, I am known to the system as the Researcher. I'm considered a kid, because I'm 10, and im a girl, just dont feel childish or girly. Just thought i would get that out of the way. As you can tell, my main job is to research....anything and everything that this system needs or has interests or passions in. When the body was about 13, I'd already done a lot of reading about abnormal psychology and i had a strong suspicion that we were 1) obviously depressed 2) moody, so i thought we were manic-depressive and possibly 3) had multiple personality disorder. Yet when i left my findings out for Angela to check over, she agreed with the first two and basically laughed at the idea of her having mpd. You see, some of us identities do have a good memory, and shes been told she does (people assumed it was she) and she couldnt remember having amnesia (amnesia for amnesia) even though parts of childhood were dark, mysterious, and felt scary to think about, she couldnt switch because she cant force it to happen when she tried. She cant recall most of schooling, because i did a lot of the going to school, when i was allowed to be out, she was suffering way too much to concentrate. Especially when Daisy was the birth-givers little housemaid and built on babysitter. Moving forward in this life, there have been many times when Angela was in deep emotional and psychological pain and, even then not knowing and simultaneously denying mpd, she would beg inside for someone else to take over. At times the most she would feel was some dissociation, but no switch. Who would want to switch with her when she denied we existed, anyway? How can she ask for something she did not believe she had? Oh, there were times when she would be a teen and having to walk far distances alone with just music to keep her undiagnosed anxiety and ptsd at bay, then she would comfortably slip into another personality, who could confidently and with the ability to self defend if needed, and she would end up home without memory of the rest of the walk. Other things I've enjoyed researching include religion, palmistry, astrology, (the occult-wiccan stuff was more for Heather than the rest of us), geography, history, etc. Endless things to learn!! Which is why i want to go back to school. Angela wants to become a counselor but has zero confidence in success. Oh, we would most likely be a very good student and turn in awesome papers, but she's afraid she will mess up clients. Why? She has no confidence that she can help anyone productively. She also wants to sing and write (songs, poetry, stories) but is afraid that her material will be too dark to share with the outside world. I think us insiders are at least going to post some poetry we have written in the blog. Its a good outlet. I had other things to say, but now someone (Lola) wants to share something in the next entry, so i'll take that as my cue. -Researcher
  5. Like i just wrote in the Random Thought Dump thread, im not myself much lately anymore to be here on AS, this is my reason for not posting/replying to anyone. The alters/parts/insiders have been taking care of me and only i can post here, so i just wanted to explain. Sorry about my absence. Just wanted to say i appreciate those who have private messaged me, i just have not been able to reply because its not been me. And wont be me for a while. My alters will be blogging, but thats about all i can do for idk how long. Im sorry and i wish u all well until im well enough to be back to the me you know. Thx ~ fallenstar

    1. MeBeMary


      No need to feel sorry. Sometimes dealing with our issues means more time on the site, sometimes less. As long as you realize we are here for you when you need it and are able to reach out.  You are not alone, as I'm sitting with you, even if you haven't asked. :hug: to you, if ok. 

    2. josiel


      :ditto: No worries, star! :hug:


  6. Thank you for sharing that you understand, Annie, and i am sorry that you really do from personal experience. Not to sound creepy but i wish we could meet in person. I know that Angela has expressed this before. The unfortunate thing about being Canadian on a mostly American board means we can never meet anyone from here. Hang in there, Annie, you were put on this earth for a greater purpose than what you have been through. - Ashley
  7. Ashley's Introduction of the new blog

    So my name is Ashley and i am neither male nor female, i am genderfluid. Not that it matters. I chose a name to reflect my identity. I am considered an 'alter' in this system. I am not yet certain as to the purpose of this blog, because it will not do any of us any good. We are alone. Always have been, and always will, save for friends who come and go....some of them we had become too attached to and it hurt greatly to no longer have them. Others have their own major struggles, and even others are too far away to maintain a friendship. The other times we were not alone is when we were surrounded by people who sought us out with the intention to harm us in various ways. We have our child, but of course we cannot rely on them for friendship. It is our priority to be the parent, regardless of us not having had true parents ourselves. I am the main one who finds solace in writing. One day, I would like to write a piece for those who struggle with complex trauma. I would like to open a center that welcomes those who have DID/OSDD/PTSD, because in our area, there isn't anything like this. It is something we could very much benefit from. However, we have a lot of work to do in the meantime before we can present this idea to the so-called right people, whoever they are. The main personality is struggling deeply with depression, anxiety, and ptsd. She is not thinking of harming herself (nor are any of us others, just to make that clear), but she is definitely losing hope that there is enough help out there to make us well. She feels strongly about helping others but cannot help herself. No one can help her. I always thought that writing would help. We write poetry, songs, stories, journals, but none of it changes our life for the better. They say that the process to get better takes time, but she is afraid we are running out of time. We are losing our youth. She doesn't want to finally be well at, say, 70. She wants very much to live. All we know how to do is to survive. It is getting extremely exhausting. She's holding on to working at being the best mother she can be. But she does not know how to be the best her she can be. She doesnt think she can ever be well enough to have what she calls a normal adult woman's life. She wants to date again, but is terrified that only abusers will want to date her. She wants to feel loved by another adult, but she is not. Where to start from here? I wish i knew. What i do know is that nothing is helping to pull her out of this state. She has been trying to ask for help but the people who've responded wouldn't know the first thing about talking with alters or the pain we hold. We feel like a tragic movie or book character who dies alone. Yes, we are afraid of that, too. Afraid of never making anything of ourselves. We have hopes and dreams but they are unattainable because she is not well, and we dont know if she ever will be well enough. We reach out online, but its futile because we need human touch. Proximity is vital. Feeling like we're floating around life without importance is extremely painful. We need someone to actually hold us, but there isnt a soul who is capable of that. As i stated earlier, I have no idea what to do at this point. I am uncomfortable with the constant depression, the loss of hope, and feeling useless. I shall end this pointless blog entry, because there is nothing more to say. Ashley
  8. Hi @beautifullymended and welcome to AS. Awesome choice in username by the way I'm sorry you've experienced trauma. This board has always been a supportive and warm place to come back to for me. I hope you find the same.
  9. Oh ok thanks for letting me know @SilentBird. Sometimes these technical things are tough to sort through, I guess.
  10. Hi, I've tried to upload pictures to posts on my android. Would I need to use a computer to do this? I have the option 'Choose Files' and I'm able to select the one I want, but it does not save it on my post. Is there another way to do this? Thanks
  11. On the one hand, I'm a crazy mix of uncontrolled un-dealt with emotions. On the other, I'm flatlined. I never make sense. I'm hopeful and hopeless. I don't know how to fix me.

    1. MeBeMary


      The truest contradiction of life. You are supported.   :hug: to you.

    2. fallenstar


      Thanks Mary!! :hug:for you too!

    3. MeBeMary
  12. Just wanted to say it is nice to see you around the board again. Thinking of you!

    1. fallenstar


      Thanks and hi nice to see you too😊 

      I'm taking it easier on myself here (hopefully everywhere). Nice to see familiar people and familiar warmth here

    2. wishinuponastar


      :) it is good that you are taking it easy on yourself, you really deserve it. I understand what you mean :) 

  13. Just wanted to pop in and say I was thinking of you. Hope you are making it through and know that many here care for you. ((((Hugs)))))

    1. Annie7


      thinking of you too 

  14. hi I am new to this sight and really do not know where to go to be able to share listen and chat with other survivors

    1. wishinuponastar


      Good afternoon,

      I just happened to see your post and wanted to see if I could help a bit. There are many sections on AS where you can share. We have sections like "Gathering Place" where you can get support, "Aftermath" where you can share about you struggles with nightmares, flashbacks, etc., we have a humor section where we post silly things or simple life where you can share what is going on with your life. We also have "Share Your Story" where you can post your story. Also, we have a chat room, link for chat: http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?/chat/

      For the Chat Room and the Share Your Story, you must have at least 10 posts in order to access them. To see how many posts you have, you can view your content count which is below/beside your image on your profile.

      I hope that this offers so help. Please let myself or any other section mods, newbie support or moderators know if you have any additional questions. Welcome to AS :)

    2. dlaugh123


      thank you so much

  15. Hi welcome to After Silence! I'm sorry you need to be here....this is a very warm and supportive forum. I go through hesitation as well but the more I see how members here help validate others, the safer I felt to post. Hope you find comfort here.