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About SociallyAwkward

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    Still alive

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    trying to heal after so many years of denial

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  1. allowing yourself to let it go is important. And part of that process is talking about it. Keeping it secret can get extremely frustrating.
  2. Welcome to AfterSilence. I'm glad you have a support system. That's very important. Friends and family can help keep you grounded.
  3. people keep trying to tell me to not dwell on the past. It's not easy, because everything around me reminds me of the very fact that everything has been going wrong for over 10 years, and then when I think of where I was at roughly 10 years ago it's still no better as that's when my dad started doing drugs and ruining his life. What was life like before that? Living with a woman who hated me for reasons I still don't fully understand while my dad worked all day. So thinking about anything that happened before today is meaningless. It leads to constant negativity. Although I must admit it's hard moving forward when there is no forward...... Right now I'm just glad I still have a family that cares about me.
  4. Almost got in a car accident..... Well even if we collided it wouldn't have been so bad. That would have been bad for the car though. Went to the game store to buy a new game then the police station to inquire about the family of weirdos DSS history. No luck. They have no access to those files, but while I was there I double checked to make sure my issue with them has been reported, and I thanked them for a job well done on the murder case of my sisters friend. Moms friend and her talked about the situation with Papas death so I got more info on that and that helps put my mind at ease. and now my body is acting up and that's the polite version of it. And bro came home pissed off that some hacker tried to steal money and he had to spend another hour at work. Mom was so pissed at her husband she wouldn't sleep in the same bed as him yesterday. Things are back to normal again tonight and they are both downstairs watching TV together. He's gonna piss her off again some day soon, if not tomorrow...... He's beyond help.
  5. Dad's not well. Mom doesn't want to fight for papa. Bro yells at me for dumb stuff. At least hanging out with our gaming buddy over the weekend was cool. Last week was average. As in the usual morning complaints and pretending everything is okay at night. It wasn't so bad though. Sister is doing well. I haven't been recording the smaller things which I should be doing. I don't report on my medical condition either which I should also do. Speaking of which I got sick a couple days ago. And I feel like giving up on this journal but I gotta remember why I started it.... Which is to keep track of the dumb stuff in my life that bothers me. Today my dad called my brother and talked to him for almost 2 hours. The first hour of that was spent crying about mistakes he made in life and how terrible his brothers and sisters are to him. I felt bad for him. I even talked to my sister about it. Who replied " look on the bright side. At least you have a real father ". Had to give her a hug because the subject of father figures upsets her. I know dad realizes his mistakes in life. Does mom recognize hers?..... My sister also told me I shouldn't feel bad for him. I disagreed. Argued that he was at least sorry for his mistakes, but moms current husband? Let's just say he has selective memory and won't admit any wrongdoing.....
  6. 1:32PM: Friday and Saturday literally went the same exact way. Mom and her husband arguing in the morning over money problems. Then we left to go hang out with our gaming buddy. Easter Sunday.... Could have been better. No arguing or fighting which was nice, but the night before my poor little sister saw one of her friends get murdered. The victim was a good guy. Of course it's never the scumbags that die. Always the innocent bystander. I don't care to talk about it much. All I can say is he was a good kid that never did anything wrong and didn't deserve this. Last night she was out with her friends who are all in mourning right now. Two people who weren't even there were talking about it a bit too much and it pissed her off. She needed someone to talk to when she came home. That person became me. She's at a vigil right now. She might need someone again tonight. It's Monday. My brother has the day off. We are just hanging out at the house right now. This morning has been tame. Sleep has been terrible this whole weekend. And I'm pretty sure I need to go back to the doctor. It's so weird that today was a normal day for me but meanwhile my sister is mourning the loss of her friend.
  7. ( yesterday's entry) 3:26 PM: saw my councilor today. Or is he a therapist?.... I don't even care what the difference is. Cut the session short. Third time in a row I did that. It's getting harder to see him when I can already see what his advice is going to be. Told him mom thinks someone broke into our house, and how I think that's bullshit and its most likely her husband that stole my grandmothers pills. And of course he says to move out and rent a cheap little place for me and my brother..... He's an idiot. I asked him if he's a home owner. He says yes. I asked if he knew what rent was like in today's day. He confirmed he did not..... This guy is speaking from no knowledge or experience. We don't want to rent a place we are trying to save enough to buy our own house and pay our own mortgage. Talking about these things seemed so pointless. I'm not some abused child from a screwed up family. There doesn't seem to be a real reason for me to pursue more counciling. In other news we are getting absolutely terrible service from Comcast. That's nothing new though. I would know. I'm online all the time. I see it slow down during times when " nothing is wrong ". 5:30 PM: budget cuts here in America now mean I've been dropped from advocates. Nothing matters anymore. Life's a bit*h and then you die. Strange thing is we knew this would happen one day. Right now waiting for my brother to come home to tell him. ( Today ) 7:07 AM day 1 of not being in the Advocate program anymore.... Well technically I'm still in till May 1st but to me I'm already done. My brother says all this means is less video new games, less fast food, and we need to find a job for me. A job would be great but I worry about weather or not I can handle it with my sleep patterns..... Screw it. I don't wanna be awake just to listen to mom and her husband. I'll sleep eat and work. But it sucks that most of my sleep is just gonna be me resting but not actually falling asleep. Need sleeping pills. And I need to write a thank you letter to Advocates. Also need to figure out what moms actually done about what happened to Papa. 11:08 PM: walked to the game store and spent some of the store credit I have. Got a dirty CD cleaned and bought halo 4 which was only 8 bucks. Sad part is like many Xbox 360 games there aren't many online players left. We went to our friends house. Think I'm gonna need a code name for him seen as we've been chilling with him almost once a week every week. 3 nurses came in at the same time this morning. That was weird. Can't get my uncle registered as my friend on Xbox. That's pissing me off. Anything else that I forgot to write was either pointless bickering or not worth mentioning.
  8. 7:19 PM: ( yesterday's entry ) promised myself I'd do this every day and already failing at it. Doing this while I'm playing a game. Today went well. In fact better than expected. Sleep last night sucked as always. Getting sick of that. Is it normal to not be able to sleep as easily when you get older? A nurse came over to see my grandmother. She works for the organization that pays my family to look after me. Now that my grandfather is dead she financially qualifies to be part of the program. The weird part is we are better off this way rather than receiving my grandfathers check. America is such a screwed up country. My grandmother is a frail old woman in just as poor health as my grandfather. I can't believe she only just recently got health insurance. We pay all these extra taxes just to be forgotten when we are old. I quit minecraft. Got tired of playing with a bunch of kids and foreigners that don't talk. Back to shooting zombies and nazis...... And zombie nazis. Video game companies just won't let those nazi zombies rest in peace. For some reason we keep digging them back up as if we want to indefinitely hate on Germany for world war 2. I'm not sure if mom has the nerve to follow through with filing a lawsuit against the nursing home / hospital. She says we don't have the money and then she starts talking about paying their ex judge friend for something that has to do with Papa. As well as mentioning another lawyers name. I wish I knew what it was she wanted to do. Just like my brother said she has no will power and doesn't follow through with anything. ( Today's entry) I should do a separate medical journal to document my poor sleep and chest/stomach pains. Doctors are useless. Woke up this morning and got myself a..... Bucket. To throw up in. Not sure why I got sick at around 5 in the morning. The area around my shunt hurts too. I'm use to that when I move my head and shoulders in a certain way, but this kind of pain is a little different. And a bit concerning. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. Two more nurses came by today. Two separate appointments for two different things. I'm pretty sure one of them is a home care agency that my mom is trying to get rid of. My mother can check Grammy's weight and blood pressure herself. Moms husband is at it again.....( Damn dude. Back at it again screwing up moms day with your bullshit ). Grammy's pain pills are missing. He's the only one in the house that would touch em. Of course he's playing stupid. Same as he always does when he's caught stealing. I can't believe mom left dad to eventually marry this worthless moron. And has stayed with him longer than my father. When I really think about it moms the reason why my life is so screwed up. 10:30 PM: I don't know how to explain this but basically my mom now believes someone broke into our house and stole them, and my brother knows that's not true. The window to my grandmothers room is kinda messed up. There is a board on the outside holding it up. Her husband says it wasn't like that before. Problem is its not my room so I don't know if that's true or not. My brother is pissed and wants to get a lock for our room.
  9. ( I wrote this yesterday) Last week when I went to see my councilor mom was pissed off and flipping out about stuff I can't control, and saying things like how she's gonna leave " all you guys " because she's " sick of this shit ". It's all stuff that has to do with her husband. A man i refuse to acknowledge as my stepfather. So basically while I'm about to go see some guy about my mental health issues my moms attacking me unprovoked. The next day was even worse and the day before also sucked. So I wonder..... Just how often is this happening in my life where I'm having a terrible day and I didn't even do anything wrong? Morning: Well today's not one of those days where I didn't do something wrong. Already hit myself. Lack of sleep pissing me off. Woke up my brother in the process which makes me an asshole. Sorry bro. 3;46 PM: my grandmother just got home yesterday after spending a month in either a hospital or the nursing home. A nurse came by to talk with my mom about Grammy's care plan. Mom has already had to tell her husband at least a couple of times to stop smoking in the house now that Grammy is home. Right now they are BOTH smoking cigarettes in their room with the door closed. Way to stand firm mom.... Been playing minecraft with a bunch of kids. At least they are respectful, but damn it's so annoying that anyone my age has already played the game to the point it's not fun anymore. I only recently got minecraft/Xbox Live..... 5:22: and now moms flipping out after calling the bank and finding out her husband stole money from her AGAIN..... She just left and said she's not coming back tonight. Wonderful. That's not added stress. Nope. Just like everyone keeps telling me it's not my problem so stay out of it..... *sigh*...... 12:11 AM: well that was an uneventful/stressful day as always. Mom actually didn't leave for long, which is exactly what I expected. She's sleeping in the same bed as the man she's going to scream at again tomorrow for the shit that happened today. It's a good thing I grew up this way. If this was something new and I wasn't use to it I'd have already beaten the piss out of that good for nothing husband of hers. ( today's entry ) 6:33 PM: today wasn't so bad which I guess is why I haven't wrote much today. A family friend stopped by with his dog. He played with my sisters dog and that was cool. Mom and her husband have been quietly arguing up until a couple hours ago. They seem to be quiet for now. I've been making ridiculous houses in other people's worlds in minecraft. Made two so far, and one of the kids actually helped ( minecraft has nothing but kids these days. I literally have to tell them I'm an adult and I'm not trying to hang out with a bunch of kids, if they are respectful I'll friend them and they can hang out in my world ). I don't expect the night to change much. This is normally when it's quiet. My brother went to the game store with my uncle so I'm here by myself trying to start a blog. I couldn't figure out how to do it on Pandys and then when I came here I had to use an ass backwards method to find it. If I hadn't made an entry in the past I wouldn't have had anything to search for. I hope I can find this more easily in the future. I don't want to make a depressing journal about my dysfunctional family on a regular writing site. Thank you AfterSilence for being my safe haven to start this journal. Now I just need to keep writing in it even though I know it's gonna suck sometimes. Mom did say something today that upset me and it was hard to make it look like I wasn't phased by it. I wanted to just yell at her but instead i had no response at all. Basically she's doing nothing about the nursing home and how my grandfather died and the lack of treatment or attentiveness when he was injured. Tomorrow I'm hunting down an online lawyer myself. It's been long enough and all they've done is call an ex judge who already failed them once. My parents are morons and my family sucks.
  10. Hello Justlooking. I'm a male survivor just like you. I hope you find the support you are looking for
  11. Hello Anon. Welcome to aftersilence. There are other forums for survivors as well if you care to see them. Pandys, havoca and pyschforums are the ones I go to. there is also RAINN. I don't actually seek any of their services but perhaps it's something you can look into for yourself. I think they can even help you with some legal advice. We also have a forum for legal action if you care to read it. By the way I'm a male survivor just like you, and I can relate to most of what @dieter said. As for my own answer to your questions I'm 29 and it started last year when I saw the guy that molested me walking the streets as me and my bro were sitting in front of the bank. When I got home I just about flipped out asking myself why I never reported him. My family got me a therapist but one day he kinda pissed me off so I lost some faith in him, so I did some research on the subject of child abuse and that lead me here. also I should add that my family did bring me to the police station to report him but the very thought that they couldn't even do anything made me not even want to bother so my mom did all the talking. Just about a week ago I went down by myself to report him on my own. I think having my mom and brother right there actually made it harder.
  12. Muted. It saddens me to hear that you were abused as a child. I was too, though the boy that molested me at least didn't hurt me. My heart goes out to the inner child inside you that is still hurt.
  13. I'm not calling you powerless. Your strong and brave and deserve love and support. What your going through is a very challenging and often confusing thing. You have the power. You have the strength. Do not doubt yourself.
  14. Hi there This is a judgment free zone. Everyone is kind and understanding I am a male survivor like you ( I guess. I wasn't beaten or hurt or even forced.... )
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