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About tuliptorn

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    Every time a Tulip blooms angel get its wings
  • Birthday November 15

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  1. I just can't deal with the cult thing right now want to implode. All my siblings abused, all broken. So unfair can't deal today.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. crushedflower
    3. EmptyInside


      Sitting with you during this especially tough time x It’s hard to consider the suffering of siblings... my situation and experience is completely different but at the same time... i think my awareness of a sibling who was suffering a lot with their mental health and because of what we endured growing up.... that hurts me way more than any of my own pain. He was younger than me... I should have been looking out for him better and I should have stopped things from happening to him but I was too wrapped in my own problems at the time. Now he has fled to another country and who knows if i’ll see him again. I miss him so much and I regret I can’t take his pain away because I definitely would in an instant.

    4. Free2Fly


      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      hope your okay friend.

  2. The wait is nerve racking

    Always sitting with you no matter what the result. ((((((Aperson)))))
  3. Day 3 - Client Under Siege

  4. Hello, returning member

    Welcome back @Soccergrl9 I have been a member since 2008, I've come and returned many times. Met some wonderful friends here and I have got through some hard times here. It is important not to view your return as a failure of healing, but a aid toward healing when you need it. AS can be a very supportive place for survivors and you deserve to feel heard and supported. tulip
  5. Awi is back old member

    Welcome Back @awi Glad you found your password.
  6. New

    Hi and welcome to AS Gabrielle. This is a good place to come to find support and understanding. Glad to be a part of your healing journey.
  7. Hello, new here

    @Here2Heal Welcome to AS! I am glad you are here and I'm sorry that you are hurting. Lots of people understand that pain here and are compassionate and kind. tulip/deb
  8. Day 3 - Client Under Siege

    I wrote this email July 27, 2008 as a update to my T, who promised to read them while he was on vacation. I lived with my family then and it was pure hell. I had just joined AS, a move that saved my life and gave me a voice. Most of my posts here on AS from back then have been destroyed during the big server crash (es). Some segments of this email is my responses to topics I answered other on but no names will be used. in so much pain I am hurting so bad, I never hurt so bad before i just wanted to be cared for and loved okay i am a beacon for the wounded and the broken that's how I was found not long ago I thought I could spot a wounded spirit easier than most Now I paying for this arrogance every survivor IS NOT your friend I said it to someone here today I didn't listen to myself when I was a kid before I just saw the good and swallowed the bad I'm an adult (for the most part) I look for the good and think I'm bad kid- never thought what was bad was really toxic good and what appeared godly and good was really veiled evil dad mom adult- now able to see her childish mistake about family tries to build another one among close friends same deal -she never learns until too late I feel like I've just been through the most elaborate, the most intense mindf*** of all I just couldn't see until now And I am afraid some of you will understand my rantings, some won't I assure you I'm not crazy just tired and wounded I never saw any of the coming - I guess that's life for ya as that Van Halen song Jump goes you gotta roll with punches til you get to what's real (that one's for you Jazz) Damn Can a child still love their abuser? I am a survivor of CSA. Even though I am 39 yrs. old I still love my father, I hate myself because I do. Early on I was a Daddy's girl. He is the first man I ever loved. I was proud of him and wanted to be like him. But somehow he lost it and broke me, I've been coping and making repairs constantly ever since. I repressed those horrible memories because I think it would have been too hard to hug him, laugh at his lame jokes, I wanted to be wanted because I always felt unwanted. Somehow he made me want to be touched by him in that way, and years later I feel totally perverted when I think about how he sometimes made by body feel. And it hurts. So sometimes I SI to get him out of me. I chose to hate myself so intensely because the alternative was hating him with all my might. I love him now even though most of the memories are back or coming back and I am slowly getting better. He is in a nursing home and I can't fake it anymore, so I rarely go see him. second verse same as the first, but better. Forgive me if I'm a little long ** but I have to tell A lot has transpired since I entered this post - time is going faster than the speed of light it seems. I left out the reason I love my father... . He was once a little boy. Innocent, laughing and loving life and God. He tells me this story of him praying in a field as a young boy, he didn't explain why, but a terrible storm was coming in. I was reading Louise Day's book "You can heal your life" where she encourages one to look at their parents as a small young child, and come to some forgiveness for that child. I saw my mother as a girl. But was unable to visualize my father, and I became furious and threw the book across the room. I have not read that book since. But it triggered something in me and slowly I began to see him as that boy in the field alone, a violent storm quickly approaching, his mother running, calling him frantically to come inside. A tornado was coming. No one ever saw that the invisible tornado had already came and took the boy. My father was sexually abused by some man he knew. I think the first person he told was his angry suicidal daughter who told him of her repressed abuse by a neighbor, in which he replied get over it. It was me. I ranted telling him he had f**ked up everything in his whole life because of it. I almost confronted him about abusing me, but even through my anger I was terrified. I drove off in anger. I planned to cut all ties with him even if it meant dividing the family. Days later he followed me from the store begging me to talk to him, I ignored him and for two blocks he rolled behind me. I could not stay angry for some reason, a week later I found him outside my apt. I made a truce, I was not finished fighting the war. A few years later I confronted him again this time I was direct. He lied and was so convincing I forced myself to think I was the perverted daughter, much to my current T's relief. But that did not hold and I knew in my heart without a doubt it was true. Once again my world shattered. And sibling took sides to this day I think they most are on his, I am alone. I've been through a lot of therapy and at some point the anger parted like the Red sea and let in understanding, and it's companion pain. This is when I saw the boy. Who grow up and had the little girl he loved who was me. I think my father was a survivor time bomb. When I was SA by the neighbor I think somehow he saw my shame which was a reflection of his own, and he snapped, and exploded all over me. He physically, mentally and spiritually abused my brothers and sisters, I think I (and maybe a sister) were the only ones he touched sexually. Every few years during the course of my life, I would have a reoccurring nightmare about a horde of angry tornadoes chasing me. A tornado in a dream means turbulence somewhere in your life. I did not put this together until today, when a chain of events knocked me off kilter. I love my father because he was once that boy,the man I hated. There was no therapy for a little Black abused boy in rural Mississippi in the 40's. He almost had no chance of diffusing that bomb inside him. And that makes me very sad. Maybe I can find forgiveness in this wisdom and diffuse my own. Thank you for allowing me to post this. I hope it helps someone. (Esp our male survivors) things are moving scary fast today started off well I was confident, that I would have little impact from your absence. I was sure my troops were assembling around my camp ready to engage in battling the evil forces of deborah's shame. I was wrong. Impact was felt. I cannot explain the whole thing here as it is still and ever developing, so keep biting those nails for the next post. BTW- I called and called for the back up T to no avail. Was it me??? I hope this made some sense. I barely edited this because this is where I was at the time. Thank you for reading this far. tulip
  9. Sending out an SOS. Its that kind of morning.

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. tuliptorn


      (((( @pattyr ))))

      (((( Fieldy)))))

      (((( @Free2Fly )))))

      Today is going a bit better. It is always bittersweet that I am not alone in this mess, thank you for sitting with me and the safe hugs. :hug:

    3. tuliptorn


      (((( @pattyr ))))

      (((( Fieldy)))))

      (((( @Free2Fly )))))

      Today is going a bit better. It is always bittersweet that I am not alone in this mess, thank you for sitting with me and the safe hugs. :hug:

    4. Free2Fly


      Your welcome :hug: 

  10. No SSL cert on this Forum?

  11. Hello new to this site :)

    Welcome Welcome Welcome I"m sorry about the reasons, but glad you are here. Something special about this place.
  12. Why do I have to react to everything inside? I'm so frustrated!

  13. So triggered right now. I never want to leave home. Ever.:cry:

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. 8888


      Hugs to you both.

    3. Free2Fly


      Safe hugs :(:hug: ,

      so strange how all the happiness can go in an instant.

    4. ActivistAlly


      You can all gather safely with us here and there is no judgement or condemnation in this place :hug:

  14. It's official! Today totally sucks! I'm gonna find a cat to snuggle with. They don't judge.


    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. ActivistAlly


      well, it's probably written in their DNA Tulip :P


    3. tuliptorn


      LOL!!! Hahaha!!!!!

      I love them anyway. 😉

      Whew! I needed that laugh Activist. 🌷🌷🌷

    4. ActivistAlly
  15. Gratitude

    Hi Alphabetsoup. I'm sorry all those feelings are back. Glad you are here.