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  1. Finally....

    I am glad to read that you have now had your results and have a way forward.
  2. Getting in your head

    I had lost a lot of weight as lost my appetite with the worry and upset of it all. I remember him commenting about my weight, how skinny and bony I was and he didn’t like it and I needed to put on weight. That he might break me when we had we sex. But the comments about me had started before this, right from start of relationship. He would make jokes of me in front of people and to me, and when I said that wasn’t nice, he would say I couldn’t take a joke. Made me feel it was me who had the problem. He'd say things like I had a lot to learn.. He was the best. I can learn from the best he said. When we went out although we did have lots of fun there were times where he really upset me. On nights out he would just disappear and leave me and I couldn't find him. Then reappear with no proper explanation. He would leave me and go home without and id be calling him and calling him and he wouldn’t answer then Id call again and his phone would be off. He would make excuses said he was drunk and didn’t hear his phone. He was drunk and had gone home. It would be over something as little as he said lets go and id have said something like just one more dance or something or bit longer and he would have a go at me, call me selfish, bit*h etc and say he had to go and why didn’t I get that into my head. His family would wonder where he was, he had to get back by such and such a time. Always restrictions on our time, restrictions on me. Other times, If I wanted to go, he would try to persuade/pressure me to stay. We saw each other when he said. He would cancel at the last minute and then I would have no plans and be by myself. He said it was because he had to do things with his family and had to fit seeing me around that. He hadn’t told them he was back with me and he had to do such and such with them and go such and such and he couldn’t get out of it. Was always on his terms. I wasn’t allowed to call him, he would call me he said. I could text sometimes other times he would tell me not to and that he wouldn’t be able to text. I felt like I was second to his family. He said he loved me yet I didn’t seem to be his priority. He wouldn’t hold hands with me or kiss me out in public, in case anyone saw and told his family. But we lived in a big city and chances of that at times were very little. He kept saying he would tell his family, that he was working on it but more and more time went on and he didnt. I think now maybe he did all this on purpose. He could have stood up to his family, said he had his own plans, said he was seeing me, but he chose not to as he wanted to control me. So right from the start the abuse was there, intimidation, manipulation, emotional abuse but I didn’t see it, I didnt know emotional abuse was such a thing. He was very clever at it and had me thinking it was me who was wrong, that I didn’t know what I was talking about, that if I loved him id do what he wanted/when he wanted etc as he had pressures at home and wasn’t easy for him. It got worse as time went on. Each thing on their own and you don’t see it as often they are subtle, little things but that’s how they do it. It messes with your head. i now know it was him pulling the strings in order to control me.
  3. The scary side of culture

    THE SCARY SIDE OF CULTURE I found myself in a situation that was scary and seemed unreal. I was out of my depth, I thought I was falling in love with him and wanted to stay with him but by this point unbeknown to me, he had already been controlling me, he had already got in my head, already started to take ‘me’ apart and had started to make me feel like I needed him. He had sent me a message saying he needing to talk to me about something. We had had dinner the night before and all had been fine. When I saw him I knew something was wrong. He told me he had been in bed the night before and then he felt this heavy weight on his chest like someone was on top of him and he felt like he couldn’t breathe and this heavy tight feeling was spreading across his chest. He said he went into his parent's room as he was so scared. I said sounds like maybe you had a nightmare and a panic attack. He said no, it wasn’t that. He then look so scared. His parents had told him that he had been possessed by an evil spirit for the bad things that he had done. The bad things they were referring to was him dating a ‘white girl’ as they referred to me. i said to him, you said they would be ok with me, that there wouldn't be a problem. I thought it would be fine he said, i thought that it might take them a bit of time but once they were used to it, they would be ok. When did you tell them I said. Turns out that he hadn’t told them or so he said yet somehow they knew. They told him he had to end it with me else the evil spirit wouldn’t go away, it would stay in his body. I was so scared and bewildered by what they had said to him, to me it didn’t seem real. He told me he would tell his parents that he would end it with me. He didnt though. But time went on and he still had this feeling he said, this bad feeling and this heavy feeling at night. His parents got him to do these rituals, said he had to to get better. They took him to this area where there were trees and swung chicken heads round in circles three times or so he told me. Then they took him to India to get him ‘cleansed’ of the spirit. He saw a priest he said who told him he couldn’t be with the ‘white girl’ he had to end it. He came back and ended it with me. He said he had to, he was scared and needed to feel better. He truly believed what his parents and the priest told him. I was very upset and felt unloved yet he said he loved me. I tried to have an open mind about it but I just couldn’t accept it as true. I feel that his parents made it up to get me out of his life. It was extreme, it felt like it was calculated and planned, that it was in effect racism. Scary. He stayed in touch and got back with me a couple of months later. Said he was feeling better and he wanted to be with me and all would be fine now, he would find a way. I took him back as I thought I loved him and I wanted to be with him, I trusted him, I believed him. I believed also that his parents had brainwashed him in a way and I felt for him, I wanted to be there for him.
  4. Still waiting so I surrender

    Well done you for trying to take back some control. The 'waiting' game is horrid isn't it. I try to tell myself I will find out soon, no matter what they are they aren't going to change between now and when I get told, if they were really bad then I would have heard straight away. I tell myself not to worry about things I dont know but the element of not knowing is what makes you worry isn't it. its a very hard situation to cope with. I hope that you are given the results soon so that you can have peace of mind of knowing and can then focus on what you need to do next.
  5. The First Lie

    THE FIRST LIE ‘S’ was a different religion to me, from a different culture and that was one of my concerns at the start and I said if it was going to be an issue, I think we should just be friends. I didn’t want to get into something if it was an issue from the outset. ‘S’ assured me ‘it wont be a problem’ , ‘his family just want him to be happy’. That was I later discovered a lie. I say this was the first lie but it probably wasn’t but it was the first lie that I recall and which I feel he tricked me into a relationship with him. He knew I would have walked away at the outset if I had known there was going to be a problem and we are not talking a small issue. It got scary and felt very unreal.
  6. For 9 years I was in an abusive relationship, not that I realised for a long time. I have been out for over 5 years now and am quite far down on my road to recovery but I think I need to start right back at the beginning before the relationship began. I hope you will join me on my journey to healing. I hope that it in some way helps you too. So life was going well. Id been in my new job for nearly a year now. I joined a gym, had a good social life, nice house share, even been on a few dates and yes life was good. I got on well with both the lads and the girls at work and everyone really gelled together, was good fun. There was one guy, we will call him ‘S’, who chatted to me more than the others and we chatted about anything. He was good company but that was it for me, I didn’t fancy him. Another guy who we will call ‘M’, a friend of S’s who I had met a few months back and been messaging, was flirting with me as he had done since id met him but I thought he was messing about. He asked me to meet up for lunch with him one day. I did quite like him, we got on well and it was easy so I thought why not, be fun. I messaged ‘S’ excited and then he asked me to have lunch with him too. I say asked me out for lunch, it was more put as you don’t go out for lunch with me! I said you have never asked. I didn’t want to upset ‘S’ as we had become quite close friends but ‘M’ had asked first and I was really chuffed that he had so I decided to go with him. ‘M’ and I had a good lunch and continued messaging each other. I, not long after, went out for lunch with ‘S’ as he asked me to. We went to the park and were sat chatting when suddenly he said how about we give it a go, we would be good together, go out with me. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was shocked, I wasn’t expecting that. I said No, I don’t see us like that, we are good friends lets leave it as that. He said think about. Ok I said. For a few weeks things carried on as normal but I thought about what ‘S’ said. We had grown close, we got on well so wouldn’t that be a good basis for a relationship, we had known each other months now and I thought I knew him. Never ever thought there was so much I didn’t know as I discovered as time went on! But I didn’t fancy him in terms of Corr he is attractive, I so want to kiss him kind of thing. I liked his smile, he was fun, easy to chat to, caring from what I had seen so far over the past so many months, maybe it would grow into more I thought. Conversations with friends and I was still confused. Then there was ‘M’ and I was attracted to him which ‘S’ knew but then I didnt know ‘M’ as well as ‘ S’ and ‘S’ and I got on well and it was easy between us as we had known each other a lot longer. ‘S’ made comments like don’t leave it too long, don’t leave it too late. I didn’t think anything of it, just laughed but it did start me thinking maybe I could see what it would be like. I had dated but not had a proper relationship yet which ‘S’ knew and it would be nice and we did get on so well. We were out for drinks with friends not long after. I hit the dancefloor with some friends and there ‘S’ was dancing and flirting openly with another girl. It did get to me as didn’t make sense after what he had said about liking me and I went to sit down and have a drink. Not long after he came over and I said you found yourself another girl. He said not at all, its you I want. I said it doesn’t look like it. Then he kissed me! i could feel eyes on us but at that moment I didn’t care. It felt right and I kissed him back. The start of what I hoped would be something good, something caring and special. If only it was. Within a week of us being together there was an incidence which made me feel uncomfortable and I thought it was just because I was young and inexperienced. ‘S’ beckoned for me to go into the disabled toilet with him, I thought he wanted to talk away from everyone else. He kissed me and I did return the kiss but then broke away and said not in here. He then asked me to perform oral sex on him and I said no. He said come on, it will be ok, I really want you to, just one quick suck and opened his fly and took his c*ck out as he called it. I started to feel a bit worried, I really didn’t want to and said again and not in here and he started to push my head down and I backed away. I then said I had to go and left quickly. I felt stupid as I was inexperienced but didn’t want him to know that but also I really didn’t want to do it. I thought that he just thought I didn’t want to as I was shy. I did not see that he was thinking about what he wanted only and was not considering what I felt. I was also young and naïve so it didnt cross my mind.
  7. Hi I am new here

    Thank you AKB
  8. Hi I am new here

    Thank you
  9. Hi I am new here

    Hello, I am having a lot of flashbacks to a specific trauma I suffered years ago. I’m trying to find the best way of dealing with it and how I’m beginning to realise it has affected me. Looking for others who understand and looking to try and understand what happened to me and why and to do deal with the feelings I have around it. Feeling isolated.