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Enigma87

Member
  • Content Count

    1,324
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    USA
  • Interests
    Fine/Digital Art, Music, Dancing (esp. Latin), Tech, Animals

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Recent Profile Visitors

4,318 profile views
  1. I just had a rough therapy session today. 😢 My traumaversary is coming up this Saturday. I'm feeling a lot of anger, sadness, and shame. I'm not sure how to handle it all.

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. abhaya

      abhaya

      Sending you so much support and kindness, @Enigma87.  I know how painful that shame is and I also feel 100% certain that it was not your fault.  You did not deserve what happened and you do not deserve blame for it.  Safe virtual hugs to you, friend. ❤️

       

    3. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @abhaya Aw thank you for your kind and encouraging words, as well as the hugs! :hug:❤️ You have no idea how much I needed to hear that today. Thank you my friend 💕

    4. Anonymous4
  2. Feeling lonely... It’s no one’s fault but my own though. I hope everyone is doing okay. I’m sorry i haven’t been around much. I’m sending out hugs and support to you all ❤️❤️❤️

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      *lots of support and hugs* We're here for you, Enigma. :hug:

    3. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @abhaya @mini.finch Thank you both. I appreciate all of your support, friendship, kindness, and hugs. I really needed it. I’m here for you both also. ❤️❤️❤️:hug:

    4. abhaya
  3. Hey @sunflowers88! Welcome to AS! I am in my early 30s also. This community has been such an integral part in my healing. I'm sorry for all the abuse you have been through. I hope you find AS to be just as wonderful and supportive as I have. Sending you support and friendship! ❤️
  4. Having a really hard time right now. Can't stop crying. I feel so alone.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      *sending you extra hugs and support* :console:

    3. redadmirals

      redadmirals

      I'm sorry you are struggling, friend :( Sending safe hugs too if OK

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @MeBeMary @Poppy_ @mini.finch @redadmirals

      Thank you all so much for your support. I appreciate the hugs and you sitting with me. Your kindness means so much to me. :hug:❤️💕

  5. Struggling right now... My sister’s friend was SA’ed on her way home tonight. I’m trying to help, but I’m triggered and feel helpless. :cry: Not going to sleep well tonight.

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Poppy_

      Poppy_

      Sitting with you, friend. :throb: You're not alone. 

    3. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Iheartcupcakes @Poppy_ Thank you both so much for your support. ❤️:hug:She filed a police report last night. It was her Uber driver that attacked her. So I take it the police are tracing things back to him. Idk... In any case, I will encourage her to come on AS. 💕

      @Free2Fly Yea, I know this isn't the first time she's been SA'ed like many of us. However, she is understandably shaken up. I am still emotional about it not just for me and my experience, but because I know how it feels to be SA'ed when under the influence by someone you just met. It's so heartbreaking. 💔

    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Yeah Idk how to keep faith in this world of ours :(

      Hope they are okay and you are too.

  6. Tension at home again. It never ends. I’m so tired of pretending everything is okay. Gotta move out. 😓

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Capulet Aw thank you so much friend. I haven’t forgotten about you btw. I will be PMing you soon :hug:

    3. redadmirals

      redadmirals

      Sending strength to you. I can relate. We are all here for you.

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @redadmirals thank you friend 🥰 I appreciate you sending strength. I can certainly use it! It’s also nice to know you can relate. I will message you soon also. ❤️:hug:

  7. Enigma87

    Today.

    @aprilbaby49 Gosh, I am so moved by this... It’s inspiring to read. I admire the self-respect you have and the determination to put the blame where it belongs - solely on him. I support you wholeheartedly. Sending you much care and support. 💕
  8. Hey there girl, I’m back online and wanted to say hi. I hope you’re doing well.

    1. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      Hey girl! @behindthesehazeleyes I’m so glad to hear from you ❤️ I’ve been okay. Hanging in there as best as I can. I’ll definitely PM you.

  9. Anxious. In shock. Can’t sleep. Bad flashbacks

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Abigail2020 Aw thank you so much 💕I really appreciate the hugs :hug:

    3. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      Sending you hugs if ok friend, hang in there💜

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @waterlily13 Aw thank you ❤️ I’m trying... I appreciate the support friend.

  10. @wolfennights Hmm, I’ll have to check this out! Thanks for the recommendation! & don’t feel embarrassed... I think many of us watch shows like that. I know I do... especially when I am super anxious and depressed or cannot quiet my thoughts related to trauma. My dad got angry with me tonight and it triggered some trauma from my past. So now I’m in my room watching SpongeBob, drinking milk, and eating candy, with my stuffed “build-a-bear” polar bear from my preteen years. Lol - so don’t feel bad 😉😊
  11. Enigma87

    I hate the Night

    Oh wow @13rose... this is so powerful, and relatable. I am so sorry the night haunts you in this way. I feel similarly about the night and my traumas. The part you mentioned about being sucked into a time loop feels so true when I’m in bed at night. I’m not sure what to say really. I just want you to know I admire your strength as a survivor, in what you have been through, and being able to communicate and express your feelings in this way. Although sad, you wrote this so beautifully and powerfully. Thank your for sharing. I am sending you kindness and support, as well as sitting with you if y
  12. @LisaButterfly I am in agreement with Sandy12 ❤️ I absolutely love the way you express your thoughts and feelings! This was very heartwarming to read. I look forward to reading more of your blog entries as you share them. I appreciate you being here also! Sending you support and safe hugs also.
  13. Not feeling like myself. I want to be cheerful and motivated, but am dragging and detached from everyone and everything. I’m sorry for being MIA. I love and support you all. ❤️🌺

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @abhaya Thank you so much for saying that. Sending hugs and support to you :hug:❤️

    3. Capulet

      Capulet

      Take all the time you need, friend. ❤️  We are here for you, always - it's okay to not be okay right now, or at least motivated and cheerful.  We love you regardless! :) 

      Big hugs,
      - Cap

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Capulet Thank you so much Cap ❤️ That means a lot :hug:

  14. Talked with old friends today. They are moving on with their lives... dating, getting married, having kids, etc. Meanwhile, I have wasted the past several years of my young life trying to recover from a mental breakdown and effects of trauma. I’m not  sociable anymore. This is not where I thought I’d be in life right now. I feel like such a failure... I’m feeling so much self-hatred and shame. 😢😞

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. abhaya

      abhaya

      I think it's not negativity, I think there is a real sadness and loss that comes along with trauma.  I support you having whatever space you need to feel how you feel.  I don't think you're a failure, or that you've wasted your life, but I am sending you support and holding space for you to process the loss if it is helpful for you. I don't think feeling this way makes you bad, or a failure, just a human being who has been through more than anyone ever should have to.   Sending support and encouragement and kindness, my friend.

    3. dora

      dora

      @Enigma87 I don’t think this is negative at all. It’s super real and relatable, at least to me. I have felt this way A LOT. For a long, long time. 
      People I grew up with and care for, knew in college, and have worked with have moved forward and have lives and have made these futures for themselves.... and I just haven’t. 
       

      My T has tried to tell me many times that I’m not “behind” or “less than.” It’s just that my experience has been totally different than theirs. That they all have had their own struggles (we all do) but they weren’t having to survive and deal with c-PTSD in the same way I have. (She’s not comparing me to those people in my life, just explaining the difference). 
      I don’t think what you are feeling means it’s been time wasted, although I know I have felt and said the same exact thing about myself. So even though I can’t seem to take my own advice, these last few years you have felt were “wasted” are years you are just trying to survive and heal the best way you can. 
      I just want you to know I HEAR you. I feel the exact same way. I feel shame and like a failure and never thought this is where I would be and what my life would look like at this point. Like not even close. 
      I don’t have a social life either, or many close relationships with anyone at all really cause I can’t figure out how to let people in, trust and be vulnerable enough to create those relationships. 
      I don’t want that life for you. You deserve to heal and have moments and times you will struggle, but mostly have a full life with more joy than pain. 
       

      Sitting here if you want. 

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @dora Aw you made me cry reading this... Thank you so much for making me feel less alone in this. I appreciate you saying you HEAR me more than anything. I’m sorry you have felt this way too. It’s such a painful place to sit in. I’ve been trying to move past these feelings this week. But it’s been quite hard. I really really appreciate your response more than you know and will gladly accept you sitting with me. I hope you are feeling better and working through these feelings too. You also deserve to heal and have a life full of joy more than pain also. I hope that for you too. :hug:❤️

  15. @Poppy_ Aw, I’m so glad you have come back 😊❤️❤️ Sending you safe hugs to welcome you back!
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