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teleah

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Everything posted by teleah

  1. teleah

    So Lost

    Thank you for reading and for sitting with me much needed, thank you abhaya
  2. teleah

    So Lost

    I lost my half sister nine months ago and I am so lost in self hate, self blame, I have spent weeks sexting strange men to distract myself from my grief. My grief is for the loss of her, but she was it, my last blood. I grieve I wasted so much time, envious that she got the safe dad, so much time wasted lost in my pain of my past, I didn't get to love her in the present for the fragile flower my sister was not the entitled princess I had written her to be. I am so lost, lost in sexual addiction, lost in self harm, as my stepfather gets married this weekend. I am so lost, bpd finds me and says before I become completely lost I should go, I don't know what to do, maybe I should go ?
  3. teleah

    Why she believed me

    I only told my mom about my babysitter, because she guessed because I was acting jumpy when she asked what we did together, so she got mad and demanded I tell the truth, so I did but looking back she was not upset he was abusing her 8 year old daughter but relieved, there was a reason for the tw....rashes, infections, tearing, and it was not my dad or so she convinced herself so she could continue to be a good mom. My heart breaks knowing little Teleah was not supported by her
  4. teleah

    Flood of Shame

    This virus has caused a core subject of my abuse, shame and emotional abuse. Tw.....When I was seven our town was hit by a flood, our street was flooded and we had no water so we used a bucket for 3 or 4 days so I ended up sick, constipated, causing my mother to shame me in front of my dad and my older brother, which was my normal , then my friend Susie came over to ask me to play and my mom said not until I pooped in the bucket, I felt such deep shame, I still do, she installed that shame in me, I grew up ashamed of my body, of just being. I never told anyone but the reason I could not go in the bucket, was it reminded me of an the outhouse my dad had assaulted me in, this is so hard to fight against this flood of shame that effects every facet of my life.
  5. teleah

    The case against me

    (((((((Child)))))) thank you for reading and your support, sending support and hugs, love teleah
  6. teleah

    The case against me

    Everyone says not my fault she is gone but they do not have my mountain of evidence. Exhibit a, I let my mom gaslight that she was overemotional, flighty, not sick. Exhibit b, I believe I was entrusting her to a capable father, I assumed he had the capacity to help her, I let my fantasy that he was a Prince fool me into believing he could take care of her, which he did not, Exhibit c, I let my jealousy get in the way of seeing her pain, of seeing her traumas. Exhibit d, I believed when she told me she wasn't drinking that much, that she was eating because of my brokenness because it was easier than telling her dad, facing the fact she had a non pedophile dad. This mountain of evidence points to me, points to my negiliance causing her death at 32. Everyday I look at this evidence and it leads to harming and hating myself for the case against me.
  7. teleah

    Six boxes

    My sister Carina passed two long weeks ago, I went home for the funeral and ended up going through her belongings from 32 short years. I kept some of her books, her electic cd collection and some of her sketches, which all fit into six boxes which are now being shipped to me. I do not want the damn boxes, I want her back, I want to hear her whine about her room mates, laugh at her dating disasters, then tell her how sorry I am I believed my mom when she told me she was the strong one, the one who would make it into the world, unlike me. I am so sorry I let mom gaslight me that she was stable, so sorry. In addition to the six boxes, I gained a dad, a safe dad that tells me he loves me, introduces me as his daughter, offers help and I thought that is what I wanted but I would give up and those damn six boxes to have her back again. Teleah
  8. teleah

    Goodbyes

    I keep dreaming of my mom, who passed three years ago, I am always looking for her through my old toys, but I never find her, just hit me that I can't find her because she was never there, I spent my whole life looking for the mom I needed her to be a nurturing safe mom but I had an angry critical abusive self centered little girl raising me who needed me to prove her worth, her existence, so I can never find my mom because I never had a mom, really struggling how to say goodbye to the woman who raised me, the woman who has caused me to want to say goodbye since I was eleven, really struggling to say goodbye to the BPD monster inside me, that repeats over and over, you can go before you turn into your needy, hurtful mom, teleah
  9. teleah

    Goodbyes

    Been a week since she left with the pets, I feel frozen on my couch, ghosts of my abuse around me and since she took her pets with her, no fur babies to distract or comfort me. I feel so disconnected from the world now, scared these ghosts could lead me to my final goodbye, wish I could say goodbye to the BPD monster that is thrashing inside me, teleah
  10. teleah

    Goodbyes

    Thank you for the responses, I spent yesterday wrecked, my daughter called after closing and told me her boyfriend was picking up her stuff without her, I fell apart, wept until she came home, she calmed down when she saw my state. All I can think about today is what a burden I am to her, how I want her to celebrate her huge step without worrying about her crazy mom like I did for 40 years. Today I feel weak, wrecked and fighting ghosts of goodbyes while trying not to be one of my daughter's goodbye. Thank you for listening, so grateful you hear me. (((((((Child and IHeartCupcakes)))))))), love teleah
  11. teleah

    Goodbyes

    My daughter is moving out soon, as in a week to live with her boyfriend, this has triggered so many memories of goodbyes. My first goodbye I can remember was my safe grandpa passing, I was not allowed to say goodbye because it was my job to make sure mom was ok while my dad played the role of concerned dad taking us to a park and telling not to cry or we would get it later, so I smiled and played with my brother all day. The second goodbye was my dad walking out the last time, before that he had stormed out but the final time was when I split into one of me, TW, the last time he walked out, he was furious, my mom had sold his boat for a dollar and threw his stuff out window after she found he was taking his affair to the lodge . He came over, went in the garage, stood my grandpa's pipe wrench, I was in charge of making sure he did not steal her stuff while she was work, he grabbed my hand dragged me into the bedroom, then he slammed the pipe wrench next to me, jumped on top of me, TW..... Then he proceeded to rape me, take my virginity then he left, telling he was finally free of his retarded daughter. The next goodbye, I remember is the last time I saw my grandma at a nursing home and her last words to me was to warn me my dad and brother were bad men, then she passed a year later. My next goodbye was my loss of my Angel Hannah Renee, I had a TW......medical abortion because she had no skull, I was 30 when I lost her. Three years ago, I said goodbye to my mom on the phone before she passed, leaving me alone to process her and my dads abuse of me. Now my daughter is moving out and the bpd monster is growling, gnashing it's teeth, you can go, you are no longer a mom, you can go and I am trying really hard not to be her goodbye.
  12. teleah

    Secrets I Kept

    The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a Vail t-shirt for me and told me only big girls could keep a secret, then I smiled at him and asked him to come in, I kept his secret all these years, hidden in my muddled brain, broken heart, now looking back I was not only his daughter, girlfriend, I kept his secrets, secrets no nine year old should know, looking back I was never a nine year old daughter to him, I was nothing to him.
  13. teleah

    Secrets I Kept

    The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a Vail t-shirt for me and told me only big girls could keep a secret, then I smiled at him and asked him to come in, I kept his secret all these years, hidden in my muddled brain, broken heart, now looking back I was not only his daughter, girlfriend, I kept his secrets, secrets no nine year old should know, looking back I was never a nine year old daughter to him, I was nothing to him.
  14. teleah

    Secrets I Kept

    The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a Vail t-shirt for me and told me only big girls could keep a secret, then I smiled at him and asked him to come in, I kept his secret all these years, hidden in my muddled brain, broken heart, now looking back I was not only his daughter, girlfriend, I kept his secrets, secrets no nine year old should know, looking back I was never a nine year old daughter to him, I was nothing to him.
  15. Wow, so brave sharing this, shows the horrific confusing internal battle that is incest, sending hugs and thoughts of hope and healing, love teleah
  16. teleah

    Finally free ?

    Last week I told my stepdad about my abuse and how it molded the romantic illusion I have had about him since we met, I thought this would break the chains to my deceased emotionally verbal abusive mom but it just exposed to me how vile she was to me, she convinced me he would not understand or believe me and we would never talk again if I told, our and out lies, he believes me and wants to stay in my life as a dad figure, I am once again surprised she can lie so easily to me, her daughter. Had I questioned her, there would not be a rock in my chest, the rock I carried for years, I am so tired of finding out how much she hated me, I want to be done, I want peace and the only way I see is out, if I pass there will be peace and maybe Teleah will finally be free from her mom
  17. teleah

    Gas Fumes

    I have had this memory before but tonight it brought me to my knees, I no longer want to know TC my three to five year old, not mad at her but her memories are so awful, just would rather she go away . Tonight I was in the car, when I rode by a restaurant that had a gas leak, the smell took me back to my grandpa's garage TW.....I can hear my mom calling for me, my tiny hand is in bad grandpa's pocket stroking him and he has not yuck yet so he puts his gas scented hands over my mouth so she does not know where I am, I can't breathe, I feel sick then he pushes me out of the garage and I go in front of his store, sit on the curb, sick, scared, mom finds me, whispers I stink and I was a retard for not answering, then grabs my hand and pushes me to the car, I feel sick for the trip home and just swallow my sick so I do not get in trouble at home, I run in get sick, clean up so I do not get in more trouble, I want to hurt myself for letting myself get triggered by the gas fumes, I just want to go somewhere peaceful where I am no longer haunted by this.
  18. teleah

    Three Years

    Dear mom, it's been three years since you passed, not a day goes by I am not conflicted between missing you and relieved you are gone and so is your gaslighting and emotional neglect and abuse.In the last three years, I have tried to stop defending you not protecting me from my pedophile grandpa, dad and his friend, you are no longer poor mom who grew up unloved so you did not know better, you are the mom that insisted I wore love baby's soft perfume between my thighs at six, insisted on me modeling my new panties in front of my dad at seven, you are the mom who saw me cry after being dropped home from his place, was happy because I loved you more than him. Your new identity has caused me so much pain, I protected you for 43 years, it was my main role in life, my daughter suffered, my husbandsuffered because I put so much energy into defending you and it was for nothing, you were a monster too, he took my innocence, my sexuality, you took my idenity, my confidence, my soul so I am left empty, lost in my pain, being a burden to my daughter just as you were to me. I would rather be gone than become you in any capacity, am lost still who I am after losing you three years ago.
  19. Sorry you can relate, mrsteacher, incest is truly a horrible burden, thank you for responding, welcome to AS hope this site helps you with your journey towards wholeness and healing, Sending thoughts of hope and healing,love teleah
  20. teleah

    Back Pain

    The pain started three nights ago, a searing pain in back, right where the pain of numerous kidney infections began when I was seven eight nine. When I was nine I was hit with a searing burning pain and I knew it was another kidney infection so I did not tell anyone until I was moaning in pain when my mom yelled at my dad I need to go to the doctor again for an infection but this time I could tell it was different it felt swollen, like someone had kicked me, he got mad and threw me in the bathroom on the toliet, go he hollered and I was so dizzy i fell off, got up on my knees and threw up which enraged hjim and he hit my upper back, calling me retard and waste of time and threw me in the shower, then threatened if I got another infection i would end up going to an institution , so I got up swallowed my sick, took a shower, went to the doctor, I had a bruised kidney from TW<<<<<<<<his attempt at anal sex but he told the doctor i fell out of the car, yep the doctor was a friend of my dads and gave me pain pills that dad told mom was for my severe kidney infection, I had blocked the pain out of my head until a few nights ago, then i had a flashback and was convinced my dad was going to beat me again , yesterday I went to immeadiate care and while waiting in the examing room remembered everything, then found out it is sciatic nerve not kidney but still today am so scared and so little, I am so tired of being hit with visions of new hell every day. so tired of fighting and begging to be taken care of, i begged hubby to come home which lead to another useless fight, not sure how much more hell i can remember. i want peace. i want to go, but i cant do that to people that love me so right now i will settle for this back pain to go away with the memories of hell that come with it. teleah
  21. teleah

    His, Always Will Be His

    Thank you ((((((Dahliaa)))))) found out today that hubby is going to work even farther away, this has caused me to go back to being that manipulated scared 10 year old trying to get her dad to come back in, not leave us, my mom said if he did not come back she would lay down and die, believing her with my whole heart, desperate for him to save me, mom,TW.... I reached out for his lap and ended up pleasing him in his car, in the driveway, he came in and stayed that night but in the morning he left as we slept, I feel like I will always be ten, desperate for someone to save me, always be his. I was desperate this weekend and tried so hard to get hubby to stay and fight for me, for us, but he left anyway and now will be gone for another long period and i am still his, he is still in my head as the man i could not get to love me enough to stay and fight for me and my mom, thanks for listening, teleah
  22. This weekend hubby is in town so we are working on me being present during relations and most of the weekend it has been pleasurable for both of us but this afternoon as I tried to be held, all I could hear was his TW.......instructions how to please him with my mouth and my heart broke, am so defeated, working so hard and his voice is still there reminding me, I will always be his, he owns a deep part of me, my first kiss, my first touch, my first time and no matter what i do that will never be mine, he took that and it is his . The only way I can see this changing, finding peace from this is not being here anymore, not being here to foolishly believe my mind, my body is not his after 19 years of being abused. I do not know how to accept he owns those sacred parts of me, i do not know how to get through this anymore, how can i be a loving wife, when a part of me will always be his. teleah
  23. teleah

    Unstuck Words

    Today I am useless at conversation, all my mouth wants to speak is the unstuck words, TW, my dad tried to sell me, i asked if i could move in senior year and he said we would discuss it over lunch so went for lunch where we met a man, i thought was an intern teacher who knew my dad, so we had lunch with him and for the first time i debated politics out loud and history, I was super proud I no longer sound like a retard, so proud I was finally smart enough for my dad or so i thought, then after lunch he grabbed my hand " Thanks to your mouth, he is no longer interested ", then pushed my 17 year old large shaking frame in his car. the rest is blank. not sure i want to know what else happened, but all of this has been unstuck and seems to want to be spoken, i did tell my hubby and he said yep sounds like something he would do, i guess i wanted to hear, oh honey i am so sorry he did that, but he is who he is. The other words that have been unstuck has to do with an anniversary, four years ago tomorrow. TW.....Four years ago I went out to the forest to a gun stand with a rope and a ladder, i stood there for a long time and put rope over head then i froze, in shock i had gone that far, i threw the rope down and got my hubby, he brought the ladder and rope in. did the bills and decided i could not afford treatment so i put the stuff away and now i can honestly say that was an attempt or a rehearsal which i never had said out loud to anyone not even a therapist, so now i have said these hurtful words but i have no idea how to process them. i hope saying them here is enough for them to go away, go hide where they were before stuck in a deep box in my heart, a girl can hope, thank you for listening again, teleah
  24. teleah

    All for nothing

    Well as we speak her dad is planning on taking a day and going to go get her so she will be safe, away from an unsafe boyfriend, he is driving up and getting her stuff and she will move in with him, where she will have his warm hugs, support and know he is there for her despite her mental illness, eating disorder and bpd while i dream of one day of being loved by a real parent, ones that do not hurt you but support, fight and fight words like useless, done, exhausted and hope all this work to heal from my abuse has not been all for nothing, that one day i will feel as safe as my sister does with him, ouch, teleah
  25. teleah

    All for nothing

    Once again today I found out that I am working so hard for my sister, for nothing, stepdad has not called me after I emailed him and tried to get sister help and sister called to have me be her secret keeper, this time about her boyfriend, so tired of working so hard to be, working so hard to be reminded again and again this is all for nothing, teleah
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