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Everything posted by Iheartcupcakes

  1. All...I am in the midst of working on a shutdown for my school district. Before that, I was sick myself and home for a solid week with a low grade fever and respiratory/flu symptoms. I am better now, but we have no idea what my illness was. I am NOT saying I had COVID-19, but I was sick with something. Not having a diagnosis was scary. I am so sorry I have not been as present as I would like to be lately. It's been one thing after another lately. I am still here for you. I love AS and each of you. I just wanted to let you know what is going on. I am an "essential" employee, so I cannot go home and simply self-quarantine like everyone else. I will still be working, but hopefully, reduced hours. I pray you are all well and healthy, and managing anxiety and stress during this time. Love to you all :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. MeBeMary
    3. goldraindrops


      Stay safe and healthy.  We all love and appreciate you.

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      @AKB uhhhh those sound AH-mazing!!! 😍

      Thank you all so much. AS is so very important to me. 

  2. Hi Stormy, Welcome. I am sorry for what you have experienced. I hope you will find love and support here. Amy
  3. Hi Peachy, I am so sorry for what you have been through. You are welcome here
  4. Doing better with anxiety over my dad's terminal cancer. Going home to see him in 11 days. If you need me, I am here. You can always PM. I will always want to talk with you and support you. I love my AS family :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. MeBeMary


      We support you to, Amy. Big :hug:s to you. 

    3. waterlily13


      Sending all the love and support your way:hug:if ok❤️

    4. MzKeys75


      I’m glad you are doing better with this. All the :throb:s!

  5. Welcome, and please don't worry about posting too much. Your post was not graphic at all. I am so very sorry that happened to you and his wife. I hope she will corroborate your experiences even if she does not press charges herself. I hope he is put in a cage where he belongs.
  6. Hola, amiga. Bienviendo a After Silence, pero lo siento mucho por las cosas que te pasaron. Tienes amigos aquí. Español no es mi idioma primera, así que perdonáme por cualquier error también. Amo el idioma y he disfrutado aprender a hablarlo.
  7. Thursday and Friday (the anniversary dates) are bearing down on me. My beloved little foster dog was adopted Sunday and although I have another, it always breaks my heart to let one go. I also got some news about my dad. He has terminal pancreatic cancer that spread to his lungs, which is the main issue. He has survived way longer than predicted, but now his lungs are giving out on him. He can barely breathe. Even with treatments, he says he feels like someone is standing on his chest. Work is overwhelming, holiday travel is too, and so much more. I am just feeling overwhelmed and EXHAUSTED. My body just flat wants to give up. I have no energy and I yawn all day and fight sleep. I just want to go to bed but I can't. I have deadlines to meet and no one else to do the work. Praying that the weekend comes soon and brings relief. Saturday I am going to the local shelter to take pictures of the dogs there for adoption to post and hopefully get them exposure so they will find homes. I know I will enjoy that. Thanksgiving week will be good, I hope. For the first time, the anniversaries are not near it, since Thanksgiving is later this year. I hope that means I can move on and feel better. 

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. moongoddess


      Sending hugs your way, friend. :hug:

    3. lexip


      That is a lot to deal with, but your so strong,  I know you will get through it (((AMY)))

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  8. We will be having a post about it soon! Stay tuned You may be able to. Let us think on it.
  9. We met our October donation goal! Thank you so much to everyone :throb: It is now November, and I know we can do it again if we all band together and do what we can do. You are all amazing!

    1. Mave


      Woop! 🙌 Awesome sauce!

  10. Hi everyone!

    We are a fourth of the way to our October donation goal. Maybe some of you have not donated because you don't use chat, and that's understandable. I myself didn't realize until recently that it went to more than the new chat platform.The donations fund the forum. No pressure, but if you can spare any, we would appreciate it! If you can, let's help defray expenses. Our monthly goal is only $200. You shouldn't have to donate much or often...we have thousands of members. Just wanted to put this back on the radar so we can meet our goals and provide this safe space for those who are hurting. Love to all!


    1. Field8
    2. Poppy_


      I donated! :clap:I will continue to give what I can every month :)  

    3. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you both! :throb: I hope many contribute a little. We surely don't want anyone to be burdened. 

  11. Iheartcupcakes


    (((((teleah))))) you are STILL a mom. No matter where your daughter goes, you are still her mother and you always will be. She will always need you The world will always need you...we need your love, your light, your courage, your strength, and your kindness. I am so very sorry your parents more than failed you. I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered.
  12. Oh it's sooooo good to "see" you!!!!!!!!! I hope you are doing well.
  13. Browsing the forums I saw the board for sexual assault by a stranger. I had a sickening realization. I feel like I've been victimized by both at once. During the crimes, he was a masked armed man who forced his way into my home. It was terrifying. Then, he was revealed as someone I know and USED to care for. The knife cut deeper, and I didn't think that was possible. I have always thought since it turned out that I know him, I have never experienced stranger rape. But that's not actually true. Wow. This is a bit much to take in....

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Poppy_


      I know how you feel, in a way. I thought because I met the guy in the bar before it happened and I knew his first name, it wasn't a stranger. But I didn't KNOW him. I had never met him before. He was, indeed, a stranger to me. It's a hard realization to set in. I'm so sorry, friend. Sending warm, safe hugs your way :console:

    3. Iheartcupcakes


      @lexip I remember you talking about that. I am so sorry you know how this feels. I would call them strangers. Even though they might have been a bit familiar. It's awful either way. 

      @Poppy_ That is hard. Thank you and hugs back :throb:

    4. lexip


      @Iheartcupcakes it really is and thank you hope ur doing ok ❤️

  14. I sent the letter to the shooter (posted about it) almost a week ago. It will take 3 days or so to get to California and then the prison will open it and do whatever they do before it gets to him. I don't know how long it will take, but I keep checking my mailbox with disappointment. I guess I am afraid of never getting that amends letter. Feeling oddly nervous for some reason. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Whisper


      I haven't been able to respond to your thread yet, but I was going to ask whether you have tried to get the letter from the parole board. He gave them a copy of the letter and it seems like that makes it a public record. Maybe his documents aren't available to the general public, but if the parole board read a letter that was written to you, why shouldn't you be able to see it? 

      That said, I think he will respond to you, but he might want to talk to his counselor -- or whoever it was who told him not to send it originally -- first. He might also take some time to add to what he wrote before. Did he have a lawyer at the hearing or do you know or can you find out who helped him prepare for it? Maybe you can contact that person if you don't receive a response for a long time and you can't get it from the parole board.

    3. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you, @Mave :throb: :throb: :throb:

      Thanks, @MeBeMary. I appreciate that so much. It would be really good to finally move past this...23 years later. For the first two decades I buried it and didn't deal with it. I didn't know...I was a kid who wasn't given any tools to heal. I am so trying to change that. 

      @Hoping8 thank you :throb:

      @Whisper It's not...the only thing I am entitled to is the transcript, which I got. I was so hoping the commissioner would read the letter aloud and thus make it part of the transcript, but he didn't. But, if he doesn't reply, I may try to appeal to them through victim services. :throb:

      Yes...I had considered he may add to or even rewrite the letter if he gave the board the original and did not make a copy. I know it hasn't been long enough to worry yet, but I can't help it :/ He did have a lawyer. I have thought about that, too. Thank you for your help, as always :throb:

    4. Whisper


      That's crazy. I guess the system of keeping documents submitted to the parole board confidential was not designed to account for a situation like this, but it still makes me think WTF?

      I understand your impatience and anxiety. Hang in there.

      FWIW, based solely on what I read in the transcript,  I believe he genuinely is remorseful and even though he said he thought you were "collateral damage", I don't think he ever truly felt that way. 

  15. Welcome, Matt. I am so sorry for what you've experienced. All of the feelings you mentioned are common among survivors. Like @MeBeMary said, second guessing is also prevalent. I hope this reassures you to know you are not alone. Amy
  16. Emily Doe...the survivor of Brock Turner, has named herself. Be warned of a flurry of news coverage. I am being tagged in it everywhere, and I can't deal. She named herself for the EXACT same reasons I did. I made the media publish my name because my name is NOT victim, complainant, accuser, or alleged anything. Me asserting, "My name is Amy Stanley!" actually became the title of one piece. Crying in my office at work now after being tagged and reading. I can't take away her pain...and I can't take away mine. Feeling helpless and broken. 

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. goldraindrops


      I thought about you when I read about her today.  I think both of you are amazing.  

      So courageous of both of you to do what you've done for the sake of others.

    3. Iheartcupcakes


      @Whisper I have no words for what you wrote. THANK YOU. Just what I needed to hear. Teary-eyed in a very good way. I will do as you suggested. We will see what comes of it :throb:

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      @goldraindrops Thank you so very much. Others have said they thought of me, too, and that's humbling. 

  17. Welcome, sister. I am so sorry for what happened to you, but I am also glad you found us. We're so happy to have you with us. I hope you find as much love and support here as you need
  18. I am so very sorry for what happened and I am enraged at the fact that you are being threatened and that they are trying to silence you. Keyword...TRYING. You can speak as freely here as you want to. We are here to listen Amy
  19. Hello dear AS family, Thankfully, the conversation around sexual violence has begun to grow and change. Movements like #metoo have been at the forefront. Because of this, we feel it is important to discuss it. By all means, you are allowed to have your own feelings about the movement. We 100% support your decision to participate, abstain, support, or criticize. Like anything in life, #metoo has its own issues. We are aware that it is not perfect. We also want After Silence to be a safe place to have tough conversations. As is noted in the very name of this forum, we never want to silence anyone. We encourage free expression and discussion. However, we have to speak up when it comes to the point that we begin to compare, and thus invalidate, other's experiences. After Silence will be a place where we offer unconditional support, acceptance, and validation. So, it is important that we do not compare trauma in the context that one is lesser than the other. While it is perfectly normal to have thoughts about one's experiences versus your own, it is never okay to deem someone's experiences, feelings, or trauma as less than yours. We choose to identify with people who are hurting. We are mostly all survivors here, and we gain support and understanding through shared experiences and feelings. These very things should unite rather than divide us. Remember that generally, we have no knowledge of the background, context, or history of any survivor. Even someone you know well may keep details and experiences private. Therefore, we need to be especially careful not to judge someone's reaction to trauma, level of suffering, or anything of that nature. For example, someone who has been raped is no more legitimate than someone who has been groped. Someone who is catcalled on the street may suffer every bit as much as someone who has been sexually assaulted. Simply put, trauma is trauma is trauma. The #metoo movement began by including EVERYONE who has suffered any type of sexual trauma, from harassment to rape. While Alyssa Milano did not begin the movement, which was started by Tarana Burke, she brought it more into the spotlight with those very words. Here at AS, we hold the same perspective. Anyone who is a survivor of ANY type of trauma is welcomed and supported here. AS does not gauge anyone's trauma nor do we decide who is qualified to use #metoo. That is an individual choice that belongs to a survivor alone. Survivor, you are valid. No matter what you have or have not experienced, YOU ARE VALID. Your pain, feelings, and your experiences are valid. Thank you for taking the time to read this. AS Moderator Team
  20. You've come to the right place We hear you and we see you. Welcome!
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