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Iheartcupcakes

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Everything posted by Iheartcupcakes

  1. Six years ago tonight and tomorrow. Six years. I cannot believe what I lived  through. Last night was rough and tonight will be even worse. I can’t believe what happened to me…

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      Thinking of you and sending you hugs. I can't believe what you went through either and traumaversaries suck, but you survived, you put your rapist in prison and gave an eloquent and awesome victim impact statement, you are healing, and you are doing so much to help others. Not to mention how incredibly focused you were not only on doing what you had to do to survive that night, but also on ensuring that your rapist would be caught. You are an amazing and incredibly strong woman and that hasn't changed. :hug:  :throb: 

    3. snmls

      snmls

      :throb::throb: It is also six years of survival, resilience, strength, bravery, and advocacy. I wish I could change each and everyone one of our pasts, but I'm so glad you are here. 

    4. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      I am late, but sitting with you if you need ❤️ You are so very strong and you inspire me every day ❤️ 

  2. It's a little ridiculous that I have a broken heart (relationship wasn't that long) but I do. Riding the wave, as my T puts it. It sucks. 💔

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Mimi M.

      Mimi M.

      Awww, Im so sorry (hugs if comfortable). Been through that a couple times. In my case, the rejection hurt so bad, and just when I was staring to like them too 😥 So heart breaking.

      Sounds like your heart is pure and unlocked; able to allow the possibility of letting love in. Hang in there precious one. Sitting with you.

      -Mimi

    3. Field8

      Field8

      Not at all!!!! You feel how you feel. Sitting with you.

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @Whisper Thank you. It did move fast. At first I was cautious and resistant. He somehow won me over. I haven't felt what I felt for him in a very long time, if ever. My boss said he knows why M moved so fast...he knew what a good thing he had. I guess not though...bc he threw me away pretty easily. 

      @mini.finch @MeBeMary @orangegiraffe thank you friends :hug:

      @Mimi M. I will. Thank you for the kind words. They helped. 

      @Field8 Thank you :throb:

  3. Things improve and there is a glimmer of hope and then BAM. The rug is yanked out from under me. I don't know if I have the energy to get up anymore. My SO's trauma plus mine (traumaversarys are next month for me) is overwhelming. And...it's mostly his. I am dealing really well with mine. Probably because I don't have any energy left to give to it....Hurting. Confused. Struggling. TIRED. 

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      Sending lots of comfort💙that sounds exhausting😢

    3. 8888

      8888

      Sending support.  :hug:if okay.

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  4. Really struggling right now. In a lot of pain. Can't seem to comfort myself. It's not my trauma but how my SO's is affecting me. Could use all the support. 

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @WannaMoveOn @Capulet @mini.finch @Field8 @AKB @MeBeMary @matts thank you all so much. I had a rough weekend, with missing him since I was supposed to be on my trip to visit him, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. He is really trying to be more present and be mindful of the way he is affecting me, and I appreciate it. But, I just want HIM to be okay. The traumaversary is Monday for him. 

    3. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      Sending you lots of love @Iheartcupcakes, that sounds so hard, hoping you are finding some comfort❤️

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      thank you, my friend. @waterlily13

  5. The appeal should be decided on Wednesday although that date is not firm. Fall is already hard for me. I am really feeling the depression. I am so happy with my partner, and I am going to see him soon. It's just hard to shake all of this. People tell me to focus on the future and not look back, but they have no idea how hard that is when the past keeps intruding and you have no control...be it the court system or with PTSD and depression....

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Capulet

      Capulet

      ❤️ 
      @Iheartcupcakes - I get it, it’s hard to focus on your future when your past is still a large part of it.  Whenever something new pops up, we cannot help but drag the past along with us because it’s always going to be present.  I am so glad your new beau is someone who will be glad to help you carry it.  I’m sorry the courts are dragging things out and giving you more to worry about; especially now.  I am always here if you need to vent. 💕  

    3. Field8

      Field8

      I’m so sorry. Sitting with you always.

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you @MeBeMary and @Capulet for understanding so well. I would love nothing more than for this not to continue to affect me but that is just not realistic. Thankfully my partner has his own trauma and understands this. 

      Thank you so much @Field8 :throb:

  6. Loving our community. I am so glad to be a part of such an amazing group of people. We don't celebrate the reasons, but I do celebrate YOU. Love to you all :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. 8888

      8888

      Agreed!  💗

    3. orangegiraffe
    4. Angel_12

      Angel_12

      I agree! This is an awesome community filled with amazing people like you! ❤️

  7. So defeated. Just so much going on. It seems like there are issues in every area of my life. Feeling hopeless, unlovable, and not worth it. Don't know where to go from here. What is the point of continuing to work? For what? What kind of a future can I have? I feel like things keep not working out in all areas and it's just what is going to keep happening. I am so tired. I had a hard time sleeping last night and cried a lot. This morning I just want to sit at my desk and cry and wish I was home in bed. First off my boss started in on me assuming a big error that was made was mine (it was not) without even asking me about it first. Now I am trying not to take all of my pain out on my coworkers....Friday cannot come soon enough. I just want to hide away in my house this weekend. 

    1. Show previous comments  12 more
    2. Whisper
    3. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      Sending you lots of love, I hope you are feeling even a little better tonight, you are an amazing person and I know things will get better💙sitting with you as long as you need💙

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @Whisper and @waterlily13 thank you so much :throb:

  8. My five-year AS-aversary was in March. I am so thankful that I found this community. I love you all so much! - Amy :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      Happy AS-versary!! :hug:

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @Poppy_ thank you so much! I am thankful to know you too :throb: Lots of love back!

      @waterlily13 awww it makes me so happy to hear that. Thank you so much. I am blessed to know you as well!

      @Whisper it feels like forever, doesn't it?? ❤️

      @MeBeMary Yes! That is a great way of looking at it. I am grateful for your friendship!

      @mini.finch thank you!

      @snmls :throb:

    4. Angel_12

      Angel_12

      Happy AS-versary! Thank you for all you do for this community. You are an inspiration.

  9. Still waiting on appeal to be heard by the state Supreme Court. Could take months.....

    :hammer::ranting::protest:

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Mave

      Mave

      You’re welcome. You’re not alone. 💛

    3. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      I can't wait for all this to be over for you.  ❤️

    4. Whisper
  10. So sorry it's this season for you, Poppy. I know how hard it is. Your feelings are valid, but I happen to know that you are NOT worthless. I wish I could lift this pain from you. Know that your AS family is here with you in it. Amy
  11. MYYYYYYYYY FRIEEEEEENNNNNNDDDDDDDD IS BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!
  12. I am so happy you are okay, Poppy. You are so very precious. I hope it works out with this new T. I would have felt exactly how you felt about being dropped from your old one. But hopefully, K will be a better fit. ❤️
  13. Struggling hard. So sorry. I may continue to be scarce until after this weekend when the 5th anniversary is. Love you all so much. Truly. 

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Hoping8

      Hoping8

      Be scarce, or be plentiful. Whatever works for you at whatever moment you encounter. You have been on my mind. A lot.

    3. Dahliaa

      Dahliaa

      Sending you love and support as well :)

       

    4. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      I'm so sorry, Amy.  I know it's a rough time.  We're here for you.  :)

       

  14. Today is the day. The Supreme Court (of AR) gave The Monster's scumbag defense lawyers until today to file their writ of certiorari with them and you guessed it. There is NOTHING on the docket so far. They've had THREE YEARS to do this, and they can't even honor a two week-deadline given to them by a court that can sanction them, etc. They are unbelievable. If you have followed my story, you already know that. I just wonder how long this will be allowed to continue. I am tired. But, no one gives a you-know-what about me. Not the Court, not his lawyers, no one in the system. Victims don't get lawyers for themselves, and once a case has progressed to an appeal, the prosecutor is done. Once again, I am my own advocate. And, like I said, I am tired. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      Sending you lots of love, hugs, and extra strength. I don't know what those morons are thinking. This is a hard time of year for you anyway and a horrible year for everyone, but remember that the monster is locked up and will not be able to spend the holidays with his family - nor will those wretched people be able to spend the holidays with him. :console:

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you all so much. It turns out Walker filed something (not a writ of certiorari) on the 27th. Not sure what happens next. 

    4. abhaya

      abhaya

      Poop. I'm sorry this process is still continuing.  Sending you support and sitting with you in solidarity, if you would like.

  15. https://www.cleo.on.ca/en/publications/handbook
  16. Nothing is helping. I felt a bit better after writing yesterday and posting it here, but I am still in a pit. I am at work trying to avoid everyone so that I don't take it out on them. I left my anxiety meds at home...but what good would they do anyway? I feel more depressed than anxious. I wish I was home with my dogs. But even then, I am still suffering. I have no idea what to do. 

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      My stylist knows what I have been through but I didn't really want to talk about it. I just told her I was struggling. It turned out okay. I just wasn't in the mood. 

      Thank you so much @Field8 and @MeBeMary :throb:

    3. lexip

      lexip

      @Iheartcupcakes sitting with you ❤️ 

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  17. You are always welcome here! Glad to "see" you back.
  18. Today I have court.

    This time I am not the victim, but I am speaking for him. I am fostering a dog who has been abused and starved. I am a witness in the case against his owners and hopefully we will convict them of neglect and the dog will not be returned to them. They are fighting to get him back. 

    It is bringing up a lot. I have not been in court since my trial, which was three years ago (April 2017). Could use sitters and prayers/good vibes that the innocent dog gets justice and will not be returned to his abusers. I think we can all identify with that....

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. BrightSide

      BrightSide

      Im sorry I am late for support, I hope that it went well yesterday 💛

    3. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      That's so very good of you. I didn't see this till now, but you are doing a wonderful thing.

      I've said many times, it's hard for me to fathom somebody who can abuse a dog.  They are such wonderful little creatures, because their love for us is so pure and total.  To betray that is a horrible violation.  

      Are you able to share how it went?

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @MeBeMary @BrightSide @goldraindrops thank you so much. It did not go well and I am not okay, unfortunately. I posted about it in the Gathering Place. 

  19. I would definitely bring it up. That is very disturbing, especially for a child. I think you have every reason to feel how you do. My T once told me that parents watching porn in front of their kids, talking about inappropriate sexual things (not like informing), etc can be considered sexual abuse. I would say this falls into that.
  20. I’m thinking of you all in these crazy times. I love my AS family ❤️

    It’s April which means it’s not only the anniversary of the trial but Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I’m usually running myself ragged doing things, but with social distancing and quarantine, it has cut it way down. I feel like that’s good and bad. I’m tired, and I get a break, but I don’t want people to not be involved. I don’t want the level of awareness to suffer.

    April 27 marks the third year since the monster was convicted and put away for life. It’s triggering but it’s on the back burner right now. My dad is fading fast 💔

    for those of you who don’t know he has terminal cancer and he has fought an amazing battle. He is in the 1% of survivors living 22 months with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. That is unheard of. But his time is drawing near and he does not want me to travel to be with him. I don’t understand even though a lot of people are telling me they do. It doesn’t feel good, but I am respecting his wishes. It’s been pretty rough. 

    also, one of my huge triggers is masks, hoodies, and otherwise covered faces, and I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this. In this pandemic people are wearing masks. They’re everywhere. I’m trying to normalize it but I feel like I’m being unhealthy and just putting it out of my mind and not dealing with it. I think I have too much going on. 

    How are you all holding up? 
     

    Love to all of my AS fam. 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Field8
    3. snmls

      snmls

      Sending you love :throb:

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you so much @MeBeMary ❤️ Maybe that’s it. 
       

      thank you @Field8 and @snmls ❤️

  21. All...I am in the midst of working on a shutdown for my school district. Before that, I was sick myself and home for a solid week with a low grade fever and respiratory/flu symptoms. I am better now, but we have no idea what my illness was. I am NOT saying I had COVID-19, but I was sick with something. Not having a diagnosis was scary. I am so sorry I have not been as present as I would like to be lately. It's been one thing after another lately. I am still here for you. I love AS and each of you. I just wanted to let you know what is going on. I am an "essential" employee, so I cannot go home and simply self-quarantine like everyone else. I will still be working, but hopefully, reduced hours. I pray you are all well and healthy, and managing anxiety and stress during this time. Love to you all :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. MeBeMary
    3. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      Stay safe and healthy.  We all love and appreciate you.

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @AKB uhhhh those sound AH-mazing!!! 😍

      Thank you all so much. AS is so very important to me. 

  22. Hi Stormy, Welcome. I am sorry for what you have experienced. I hope you will find love and support here. Amy
  23. Hi Peachy, I am so sorry for what you have been through. You are welcome here
  24. Doing better with anxiety over my dad's terminal cancer. Going home to see him in 11 days. If you need me, I am here. You can always PM. I will always want to talk with you and support you. I love my AS family :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      We support you to, Amy. Big :hug:s to you. 

    3. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      Sending all the love and support your way:hug:if ok❤️

    4. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      I’m glad you are doing better with this. All the :throb:s!

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