Iheartcupcakes

If you pray, please pray for me. If you don’t, I’ll take anything positive you can spare. I am going through something right now that compares with my trauma that brought me here nearly 7 years ago (different). I. Am. TIRED. I feel like I have nothing left. Life has dealt me 40 years of loss and trauma and I am WORN. OUT. Happily ever afters are apparently for people other than me. 

I have my post-op appointment at 1:30 EST. I’m afraid of knowing all the details. My fiancé gave me a glossed over version after I woke up. He and the OBGYN didn’t want me too upset right after surgery. 

I’ll be seeing multiple pics of my internal organs/endometriosis. We’ll discuss the future and treatment options. They did a biopsy. Today I get all the info. 

All moved and settling in. I’m very happy with my loves…my SO and his 7-year-old son. My dog is adjusting but it’s been a little bumpy. Since he witnessed my trauma he’s obsessively protective of me. He’s nipped SO. We’re working on it. I like NC so far.

Still no activity in the rule 37 petition. Oh well. 

Very busy being a stay-at-home mom for the time being. I love it. To those of you who are SAHM’s or moms who also work…you’re AMAZING. I’m busier now than when I worked full time! 

Love to you all ❤️

Remember, my loves, that healing is layered....not linear. 

I love you all 💙💚🎗

Heard from the DA yesterday. The judge actually talked about a hearing for the monster's petition not being necessary!!!! He could just deny it and it would be OVER! I am praying this happens. No hearing, no more anything. Just OVER. 

I have been here before. Heck I have been here for SIX YEARS, to be exact. Clearly I am no stranger to waiting and being at the mercy of others 😡 So WHY do I feel like climbing the walls and screaming because nothing has been done on this last petition of the monster's??? The freaking judge has had since DECEMBER to set a hearing date. Has he? Well of course not. I have followed up with his office (they won't talk to little old me) AND the prosecutor. I am SO OVER THIS! Set a damn date already and let's bury this, please!!

Six years ago tonight and tomorrow. Six years. I cannot believe what I lived  through. Last night was rough and tonight will be even worse. I can’t believe what happened to me…

It's a little ridiculous that I have a broken heart (relationship wasn't that long) but I do. Riding the wave, as my T puts it. It sucks. 💔

Things improve and there is a glimmer of hope and then BAM. The rug is yanked out from under me. I don't know if I have the energy to get up anymore. My SO's trauma plus mine (traumaversarys are next month for me) is overwhelming. And...it's mostly his. I am dealing really well with mine. Probably because I don't have any energy left to give to it....Hurting. Confused. Struggling. TIRED. 

Really struggling right now. In a lot of pain. Can't seem to comfort myself. It's not my trauma but how my SO's is affecting me. Could use all the support. 

The appeal should be decided on Wednesday although that date is not firm. Fall is already hard for me. I am really feeling the depression. I am so happy with my partner, and I am going to see him soon. It's just hard to shake all of this. People tell me to focus on the future and not look back, but they have no idea how hard that is when the past keeps intruding and you have no control...be it the court system or with PTSD and depression....

Loving our community. I am so glad to be a part of such an amazing group of people. We don't celebrate the reasons, but I do celebrate YOU. Love to you all 

So defeated. Just so much going on. It seems like there are issues in every area of my life. Feeling hopeless, unlovable, and not worth it. Don't know where to go from here. What is the point of continuing to work? For what? What kind of a future can I have? I feel like things keep not working out in all areas and it's just what is going to keep happening. I am so tired. I had a hard time sleeping last night and cried a lot. This morning I just want to sit at my desk and cry and wish I was home in bed. First off my boss started in on me assuming a big error that was made was mine (it was not) without even asking me about it first. Now I am trying not to take all of my pain out on my coworkers....Friday cannot come soon enough. I just want to hide away in my house this weekend. 

My five-year AS-aversary was in March. I am so thankful that I found this community. I love you all so much! - Amy 

Still waiting on appeal to be heard by the state Supreme Court. Could take months.....

Struggling hard. So sorry. I may continue to be scarce until after this weekend when the 5th anniversary is. Love you all so much. Truly. 

Today is the day. The Supreme Court (of AR) gave The Monster's scumbag defense lawyers until today to file their writ of certiorari with them and you guessed it. There is NOTHING on the docket so far. They've had THREE YEARS to do this, and they can't even honor a two week-deadline given to them by a court that can sanction them, etc. They are unbelievable. If you have followed my story, you already know that. I just wonder how long this will be allowed to continue. I am tired. But, no one gives a you-know-what about me. Not the Court, not his lawyers, no one in the system. Victims don't get lawyers for themselves, and once a case has progressed to an appeal, the prosecutor is done. Once again, I am my own advocate. And, like I said, I am tired. 

Nothing is helping. I felt a bit better after writing yesterday and posting it here, but I am still in a pit. I am at work trying to avoid everyone so that I don't take it out on them. I left my anxiety meds at home...but what good would they do anyway? I feel more depressed than anxious. I wish I was home with my dogs. But even then, I am still suffering. I have no idea what to do. 

Today I have court.

This time I am not the victim, but I am speaking for him. I am fostering a dog who has been abused and starved. I am a witness in the case against his owners and hopefully we will convict them of neglect and the dog will not be returned to them. They are fighting to get him back. 

It is bringing up a lot. I have not been in court since my trial, which was three years ago (April 2017). Could use sitters and prayers/good vibes that the innocent dog gets justice and will not be returned to his abusers. I think we can all identify with that....

I’m thinking of you all in these crazy times. I love my AS family ❤️

It’s April which means it’s not only the anniversary of the trial but Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I’m usually running myself ragged doing things, but with social distancing and quarantine, it has cut it way down. I feel like that’s good and bad. I’m tired, and I get a break, but I don’t want people to not be involved. I don’t want the level of awareness to suffer.

April 27 marks the third year since the monster was convicted and put away for life. It’s triggering but it’s on the back burner right now. My dad is fading fast 💔

for those of you who don’t know he has terminal cancer and he has fought an amazing battle. He is in the 1% of survivors living 22 months with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. That is unheard of. But his time is drawing near and he does not want me to travel to be with him. I don’t understand even though a lot of people are telling me they do. It doesn’t feel good, but I am respecting his wishes. It’s been pretty rough. 

also, one of my huge triggers is masks, hoodies, and otherwise covered faces, and I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this. In this pandemic people are wearing masks. They’re everywhere. I’m trying to normalize it but I feel like I’m being unhealthy and just putting it out of my mind and not dealing with it. I think I have too much going on. 

How are you all holding up? 
 

Love to all of my AS fam. 

All...I am in the midst of working on a shutdown for my school district. Before that, I was sick myself and home for a solid week with a low grade fever and respiratory/flu symptoms. I am better now, but we have no idea what my illness was. I am NOT saying I had COVID-19, but I was sick with something. Not having a diagnosis was scary. I am so sorry I have not been as present as I would like to be lately. It's been one thing after another lately. I am still here for you. I love AS and each of you. I just wanted to let you know what is going on. I am an "essential" employee, so I cannot go home and simply self-quarantine like everyone else. I will still be working, but hopefully, reduced hours. I pray you are all well and healthy, and managing anxiety and stress during this time. Love to you all 

Doing better with anxiety over my dad's terminal cancer. Going home to see him in 11 days. If you need me, I am here. You can always PM. I will always want to talk with you and support you. I love my AS family 

Thursday and Friday (the anniversary dates) are bearing down on me. My beloved little foster dog was adopted Sunday and although I have another, it always breaks my heart to let one go. I also got some news about my dad. He has terminal pancreatic cancer that spread to his lungs, which is the main issue. He has survived way longer than predicted, but now his lungs are giving out on him. He can barely breathe. Even with treatments, he says he feels like someone is standing on his chest. Work is overwhelming, holiday travel is too, and so much more. I am just feeling overwhelmed and EXHAUSTED. My body just flat wants to give up. I have no energy and I yawn all day and fight sleep. I just want to go to bed but I can't. I have deadlines to meet and no one else to do the work. Praying that the weekend comes soon and brings relief. Saturday I am going to the local shelter to take pictures of the dogs there for adoption to post and hopefully get them exposure so they will find homes. I know I will enjoy that. Thanksgiving week will be good, I hope. For the first time, the anniversaries are not near it, since Thanksgiving is later this year. I hope that means I can move on and feel better. 

We met our October donation goal! Thank you so much to everyone  It is now November, and I know we can do it again if we all band together and do what we can do. You are all amazing!