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I Thought I Had This....

I did something stupid on Sunday night and I can't let it go.....suddenly life is crazy and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I thought things were getting better. I went on holiday with my German. We had an amazing time. He went home to his girlfriend. I've discovered that I have a tendency to act out if he posts something about her and it upsets me. Sunday, on a certain site, I met a guy. He seemed so nice texting. He wasn't bad but I got a bad feeling when I met him. Let's say that things didn'

ImScared

ImScared

 

It's Been A Long Time....

It's been a really long time since I wrote here.....so much is going on in my life. It's been good, bad and I don't know. For the first time in my life.....I'm not sure I want to continue to do my job. I'm a substitute teacher and the kids are getting worse every year. I'm done with their bad manners and their lack of effort. I work almost the entire year. I rarely have a day off unless it's for a holiday. I really care about the kids but it's getting harder and harder to care. I get real

ImScared

ImScared

 

Quotes

I saw this and for some reason it is clicking with me...... And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Maybe this is what I need to do....move on and be happy.

ImScared

ImScared

 

Happy Endings?

Do we ever get happy endings? I found a guy that I trust with my life. We are friends and he is amazing. He makes my ghosts go away. We aren't in a relationship but I feel guilty because I've been with several men since I met him. I'm not going to tell him about them (even though we agreed to tell if we were with anyone) because he got upset when I told him that a guy was going to put me up when I visit him. I wasn't going to be able to stay with him the whole time because his kids would be visi

ImScared

ImScared

 

Doctor's Visit

It's taken me until today to finally express how I feel about the visit the other day. I had to go for a pelvic ultrasound and mammogram. The pelvic ultrasound was an internal one. She put the camera inside me and kept moving it around...to say it was uncomfortable is the least!!! She said she couldn't find my ovaries so she had to do the outside ultrasound also! She asked why I was having it done and was surprised that I didn't know why. I was so uncomfortable and felt so violated. I don't know

ImScared

ImScared

 

Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I posted on my blog so I'm doing it now. I'm home alone this week because of stupid tests for the doctor. I have the pelvic ultrasound tomorrow and the mammogram on Wednesday. On Friday, I will see my new doctor. She is very nice. She's my daughter's doctor also, so we have already met. I'm hoping that everything is good. I've cut out most sugar from my daily life and it was much easier than I thought. I'm just days away from leaving for Europe to see the guy I really like

ImScared

ImScared

 

Happiness?

I get scared when I'm happy for too long....it's because I expect something bad to happen. I met a really nice guy. My best friend is talking to me again!! That makes me the happiest!!! But I keep expecting something to happen to ruin everything!! Ugh! I wish I could enjoy my happiness instead of waiting for something bad to happen....am I alone in this? Anyone else have these problems? Does it ever go away? Thanks for listening to me ramble, have a safe day!

ImScared

ImScared

 

Anxiety

I'm so nervous!! Today I have to see the girlie doctor....it's the first time in a very long time. I don't like getting the internal exam done or any part of it. Plus, I have to get an AIDS/STD test. It's because I'm seeing someone and we want to show that we are clean but I'm petrified of needles!! I'm so scared that I'm going to pass out! Anyways, I'm just so scared today! I could really use some support. Thanks & I hope everyone has a safe day

ImScared

ImScared

 

Happy

I did it! I'm going to Europe to see my friend and kids. I'm so scared & excited!! My emotions are flying everywhere and I can't keep up with them. I'm going to look into teaching whilst I'm there also so maybe I can find a job and be able to go back and stay for awhile. I'm scared to be in an adult thing with my friend. He is helping to plan things and I'm so grateful because I'm a spontaneous girl....hopefully he can help with some of that. =) Have a safe day!!

ImScared

ImScared

 

Mein Deutscher

I met a German guy. I fell in like with him. He was here for 2 weeks and then went back home. We said we'd stay in touch but everyone knows how that goes.....only we have stayed in touch. We talk everyday since we met. He sends me photos of his travels and tells me about his day. I'm in real like with him. Tonight we were talking and he asked if I would be visiting Germany anytime soon....I had planned to but I thought my plans were going to fall through. He wants me to visit him and stay with h

ImScared

ImScared

 

My Luck =(

My luck sucks and it seems to have passed onto my friends. The guy I thought I might have a relationship with....he asked me for money. We've only been talking for 2 weeks and he wanted to borrow $10,000......that's over. My friend and his girlfriend had a talk this weekend and now they aren't talking...I love them both so I'm praying that it works out. It just seems to follow me like a black cloud......sorry I'm just feeling sad tonight.

ImScared

ImScared

 

Been A Bit

So it's been a bit since I wrote anything....I thought I was doing better but then I slip down the slope again. I don't know why I do the things I do. I keep doing things that I know are wrong and stupid. The other night, a guy I was suppose to hook up with but we missed each other....probably a good thing. He texts me out of the blue. Asks if I want to make money....I knew I should've said no but I was curious. Stupid, stupid, stupid.....He just wanted photos. I've always said no but he was ann

ImScared

ImScared

 

Anxiety

I'm anxious as it is because of recent events but today I got an email that I've wanted for a long time. I have been asked to teach English in Austria. It's what I had wanted before last Friday. I would be near my friend and we would be able to hang out together and stuff but since he left....this feels wrong. His friend still wants me to do this so I'm trying to arrange for a visa....there are no embassies in Vegas. On the internet, it says I have to go to LA to get visas. If I follow through o

ImScared

ImScared

 

It's Official....

TW-swearing My best friend officially told me goodbye yesterday. He said he couldn't handle me anymore. I just wanted to tell him....I told you that! He said he would never leave....LIAR He said he was there for me no matter what....LIAR He said what happened was wrong....LIAR He just invalidated everything he ever said to me.....LIAR He knew he would hurt me so badly by leaving me......LIAR He knew I will self destruct....LIAR I no longer trust anyone because everyone lies....they lie t

ImScared

ImScared

 

I'm 100 Emotions.....

I'm 100 emotions but feeling none of them. My car's power steering when out tonight. I'm supposed to go someplace tomorrow and I just don't want to. I miss my friend and a few other friends. I'm just sad and all over the place! I just want to curl up in bed and cry but I can't cry. At some point, I think I need to process what I allowed to happen to me over the weekend but I don't know when. I keep seeing the guy's face in my dreams but I've no one to blame but me. I put myself there so I deserv

ImScared

ImScared

 

When Do I Stop?

TW for talk about sex When do I cross the line? I haven't had sex in forever and now I can't stop.(Ok, it's only been 2 guys so far) It's like I have this pent up, I don't know what and can't get it out. A guy that wants to get with me tonight asked me what did I like about sex......I told him I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm using it as a way to self harm myself. I can't cut but I can have sex with strangers....what the hell is wrong with me?! I've never been this way

ImScared

ImScared

 

Self Destructing

Trigger Warning-Please read if you are in a safe place.......I'm going to use swearing and talk about sex. I'm self destructing! I thought I was doing good but I'm not. I have to stop myself but don't know how. If you read my blog, you know that I've tried Tinder......the Virgin Queen has now officially been with 2 men besides her ex husband....actually I used to call myself a nun but now I've left the convent! =D I already talked about the first guy and how great he was. The second guy was fu

ImScared

ImScared

 

I Switched

Only a very few people know about my others, of the 4 people I've told....1 is still here for me. Yesterday, I was Skyping with her and I switched. This has never happened before! I have done it texting the 4 people but never where you can see it happening. I'm kinda freaked out. Apparently, I saw a post and the next thing you know, I'm not me anymore. The thing is, I've had them under control and we've worked out an arrangement....well, they aren't allowed out because they caused some horrible

ImScared

ImScared

 

Is Someone Watching Over Me?

I'm not sure where this is going so I figured I'd put the tag on there in case..... My first time was with my ex husband and I hadn't been with anyone else for 20 years. Then recently I joined Tinder (a hook up site)....I didn't know what to expect. I've horrible problems with men and have been afraid forever of having sex. The first guy who responded straight out said he wanted hot sex....it freaked me out and my others came out to take care of it. (They are the ones who signed us up for this

ImScared

ImScared

 

Has Anyone Else....

Has anyone else dealt with someone who creeps you out but you have to deal with them? My sister's boyfriend creeps the beatlejuice out of me!!! He's never done anything to me but I can't stand to be in the same room as him for more than a few minutes. I can't put my finger on it but he creeps me beyond out. The first time I met him, I could barely stay in the room. I left quickly because I just couldn't stay. If you've had this, how did you deal with it? They are pretty serious and I will be hav

ImScared

ImScared

 

I Don't Know How To Name This

I'm warning that this post is about sex......TW.....please be safe whilst reading this I never posted my story. I can't...I've written it once and copy and pasted it ever since. I read it when I send it to a friend but I forget it immediately afterwards. Suffice to say that my ex husband was my problem. He was my first and only until this past week. I've lived like a nun for over 20 years....my friends understand the joke. I'm quite the innocent and never ever considered a one night stand or Ti

ImScared

ImScared

 

Happy

I'm really happy right now in my life. I've been making changes and I didn't really expect results but they are happening. I'm doing things that I never thought I would ever do and enjoying them! My best friend is back. He apologised and I apologised because it's time for me to start accepting responsibility for my mistakes and to learn. I missed him with all of my heart and I know he's hurting, I wish he would talk to me. I'm going to show him that I'm becoming a better person and maybe that wi

ImScared

ImScared

 

Changes

Losing my best friend has caused me to rethink my behaviours, I'm being more positive. Over the past several years, I've been pushing myself to try new things and leave my comfort zone. Last night was the biggest thing I've ever done......I met someone and had a great night with him. I did things I haven't done in a very long time. The only problem was he knew that I've been hurt. He allowed me to say no to anything I didn't want to do. Ja, I know I was so lucky to find him and for him to be as

ImScared

ImScared

 

It's Me

I've lost 3 friends in the past year.....because of my behaviour. I lost 2 within a day of each other. I trusted them. I told them everything and they left. No goodbye, nothing. Does it still affect me? Oh ja, everyday. I miss them. I miss the long conversations about everything. I miss everything. Then I've lost my best friend. He's always been there for me no matter what but I've pushed him too hard. I never expected him to stay but I hoped. He has every right to leave. I can't believe he stay

ImScared

ImScared

 

Who Needs Feelings?

Feelings are so overrated! I'm so glad that mine are shut down. I love that nothing is bothering me. I don't feel anything and it's great. I'm so happy that nothing is affecting me. Have a great day

ImScared

ImScared

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