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ImScared

I did something stupid on Sunday night and I can't let it go.....suddenly life is crazy and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I thought things were getting better. I went on holiday with my German. We had an amazing time. He went home to his girlfriend. I've discovered that I have a tendency to act out if he posts something about her and it upsets me. Sunday, on a certain site, I met a guy. He seemed so nice texting. He wasn't bad but I got a bad feeling when I met him. Let's say that things didn't go well. I had issues and it was my fault. Since then, I cry every night to sleep and every morning when I wake up. Thank goodness for my German. I asked him to be there for me as a friend and he has. He is trying to help me but he's in Germany. He is upset because every time he sees me on Skype, I'm crying my eyes out. I hadn't heard from the guy until tonight. He wanted to meet up but I was able to beg off but I'm sick to my stomach! What is wrong with me?! I can't do this anymore.....I don't know what to do.....

Thanks for listening to me rant, I'm sorry

ImScared

It's been a really long time since I wrote here.....so much is going on in my life. It's been good, bad and I don't know. For the first time in my life.....I'm not sure I want to continue to do my job. I'm a substitute teacher and the kids are getting worse every year. I'm done with their bad manners and their lack of effort. I work almost the entire year. I rarely have a day off unless it's for a holiday. I really care about the kids but it's getting harder and harder to care. I get really bad pay and no benefits. Obviously, I don't do it for the money or benefits. =)

My German friend has a girlfriend and I feel like a mistress or something not good. I wish that he loved me but he doesn't. He confuses me. He wants to help me get a job near him but says that I can't stay with him because of his girlfriend. I get that but then why try to get me there?? 

So that's a bit of my weird life in a nutshell.

ImScared

Quotes

I saw this and for some reason it is clicking with me......

And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.

Maybe this is what I need to do....move on and be happy.

ImScared

Happy Endings?

Do we ever get happy endings? I found a guy that I trust with my life. We are friends and he is amazing. He makes my ghosts go away. We aren't in a relationship but I feel guilty because I've been with several men since I met him. I'm not going to tell him about them (even though we agreed to tell if we were with anyone) because he got upset when I told him that a guy was going to put me up when I visit him. I wasn't going to be able to stay with him the whole time because his kids would be visiting. I agreed to not be at his haus because I'm not ready to meet his kids. I seem to have this unnatural need to cause myself pain. Why would I be with these other men when I already have one? I'm so excited to see him and he to see me. But now I feel guilt. I don't want to hurt him. Is it wrong if I keep this to myself? I just want a happy ending....

PS-on a different note, suddenly guys are interested in me. I'm not pretty and have never been someone that guys like. All of this is overwhelming, suddenly having guys wanting my attention.

ImScared

Doctor's Visit

It's taken me until today to finally express how I feel about the visit the other day. I had to go for a pelvic ultrasound and mammogram. The pelvic ultrasound was an internal one. She put the camera inside me and kept moving it around...to say it was uncomfortable is the least!!! She said she couldn't find my ovaries so she had to do the outside ultrasound also! She asked why I was having it done and was surprised that I didn't know why. I was so uncomfortable and felt so violated. I don't know if I will ever do it again. I really don't think there was a need for it. I believe in the old adage, if it ain't broke don't fix it!!! After I went through this, they decide to get my mammogram done the same day. I know the lady was just doing her job but it hurt also. I'm really not that big of a baby but I think I was so traumatised that it didn't matter what anyone did, it was going to hurt. I'm just done with all this testing! Just say I'm fine and can get on with my life. I know there are some things I need to do/change and I'm working on them but this stuff is unnecessary. Now I get to stress and worry until Monday when I see the girlie doctor again. I'm just hoping and praying that nothing is found!!! I can't deal with anymore right now. I leave next Friday for Europe and I just want to go and relax and not be worried the whole time.

Sorry for the long rambling....I can't speak it outloud because it is too much for me.

Have a safe day!

ImScared

Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I posted on my blog so I'm doing it now. I'm home alone this week because of stupid tests for the doctor. I have the pelvic ultrasound tomorrow and the mammogram on Wednesday. On Friday, I will see my new doctor. She is very nice. She's my daughter's doctor also, so we have already met. I'm hoping that everything is good. I've cut out most sugar from my daily life and it was much easier than I thought. I'm just days away from leaving for Europe to see the guy I really like. =)

I joined a group that he suggested and now I help people learn English! I'm going to add that to my CV and hope that it helps with my job search. I've been cleaning my haus like a mad woman! Ok, yesterday, I was lazy but Saturday and today....cleaning!! I thinking I'm doing well. The German that I'm going to see...he suggested that I get into T. Everyone suggests it, I guess I will look into it when I get back.

My laptop supposedly got a "virus" over the weekend, hence, the very little anyone heard from me. The woman at the Apple Store was amazing and fixed it right away!!

How am I doing? I think I'm in a good place. My German and I are going to create new better memories than I have from my ex. My German can't believe that I have never done so much, like dating and things sexually. He is so kind and gentle. I'm so glad that I met him.

Ok, enough of my rambling and have a safe day/night!!

ImScared

Happiness?

I get scared when I'm happy for too long....it's because I expect something bad to happen. I met a really nice guy. My best friend is talking to me again!! That makes me the happiest!!! But I keep expecting something to happen to ruin everything!! Ugh! I wish I could enjoy my happiness instead of waiting for something bad to happen....am I alone in this? Anyone else have these problems? Does it ever go away?

Thanks for listening to me ramble, have a safe day!

ImScared

Anxiety

I'm so nervous!! Today I have to see the girlie doctor....it's the first time in a very long time. I don't like getting the internal exam done or any part of it. Plus, I have to get an AIDS/STD test. It's because I'm seeing someone and we want to show that we are clean but I'm petrified of needles!! I'm so scared that I'm going to pass out! Anyways, I'm just so scared today! I could really use some support.

Thanks & I hope everyone has a safe day

ImScared

Happy

I did it! I'm going to Europe to see my friend and kids. I'm so scared & excited!! My emotions are flying everywhere and I can't keep up with them. I'm going to look into teaching whilst I'm there also so maybe I can find a job and be able to go back and stay for awhile.

I'm scared to be in an adult thing with my friend. He is helping to plan things and I'm so grateful because I'm a spontaneous girl....hopefully he can help with some of that. =)

Have a safe day!!

ImScared

Mein Deutscher

I met a German guy. I fell in like with him. He was here for 2 weeks and then went back home. We said we'd stay in touch but everyone knows how that goes.....only we have stayed in touch. We talk everyday since we met. He sends me photos of his travels and tells me about his day. I'm in real like with him. Tonight we were talking and he asked if I would be visiting Germany anytime soon....I had planned to but I thought my plans were going to fall through. He wants me to visit him and stay with him. He wants to be with me. I feel so safe in his arms. I don't cuddle....I cuddle with him. I let him keep his arms around me and not get freaked out or scared. He looked up flights for me and everything. If I could do this, everything would be perfect because his kids would be on holiday with their mum...he wants to travel with me and enjoy his summer with me. I've never felt this way before....I can't say I love him because he was honest and said he's not ready for that and I'm ok with it. I think I want to give it a try. It's been almost 20 years since I was with my ex and I feel like I'm emerging from a cocoon!! He is so nice to me and sweet. I just want to enjoy being romanced and having fun with a guy I feel safe with. Could it become love?? Is it possible?

Sorry for the ramble...I just needed to tell someone because a guy has never asked me to be with him

ImScared

My Luck =(

My luck sucks and it seems to have passed onto my friends. The guy I thought I might have a relationship with....he asked me for money. We've only been talking for 2 weeks and he wanted to borrow $10,000......that's over. My friend and his girlfriend had a talk this weekend and now they aren't talking...I love them both so I'm praying that it works out. It just seems to follow me like a black cloud......sorry I'm just feeling sad tonight.

ImScared

Been A Bit

So it's been a bit since I wrote anything....I thought I was doing better but then I slip down the slope again. I don't know why I do the things I do. I keep doing things that I know are wrong and stupid. The other night, a guy I was suppose to hook up with but we missed each other....probably a good thing. He texts me out of the blue. Asks if I want to make money....I knew I should've said no but I was curious. Stupid, stupid, stupid.....He just wanted photos. I've always said no but he was annoying me and I could have ignored him but I didn't. I regret the one photo I sent. I regret not getting control of myself. I regret that when I don't talk to others I make stupid choices. I'm becoming full of regrets. :(

ImScared

Anxiety

I'm anxious as it is because of recent events but today I got an email that I've wanted for a long time. I have been asked to teach English in Austria. It's what I had wanted before last Friday. I would be near my friend and we would be able to hang out together and stuff but since he left....this feels wrong. His friend still wants me to do this so I'm trying to arrange for a visa....there are no embassies in Vegas. On the internet, it says I have to go to LA to get visas. If I follow through on this, my life will change....I don't know if it will be for the best or worst. I'm scared and my anxiety is climbing through the roof. I'm trying to calm myself down but it's not working.

ImScared

It's Official....

TW-swearing

My best friend officially told me goodbye yesterday. He said he couldn't handle me anymore. I just wanted to tell him....I told you that!

He said he would never leave....LIAR

He said he was there for me no matter what....LIAR

He said what happened was wrong....LIAR

He just invalidated everything he ever said to me.....LIAR

He knew he would hurt me so badly by leaving me......LIAR

He knew I will self destruct....LIAR

I no longer trust anyone because everyone lies....they lie to get what they want from you and then leave like fucking parasites!! I hate him but understand! I feel nothing and I am numb but I cry endless tears. I've no idea how I'm going to handle this because now I'm over the edge.......LIAR!!!!

I'm so sorry.....it's quite a ramble but I'm beyond upset. I'm shattered and I don't think I'll ever be the person I was again.

ImScared

I'm 100 emotions but feeling none of them. My car's power steering when out tonight. I'm supposed to go someplace tomorrow and I just don't want to. I miss my friend and a few other friends. I'm just sad and all over the place! I just want to curl up in bed and cry but I can't cry. At some point, I think I need to process what I allowed to happen to me over the weekend but I don't know when. I keep seeing the guy's face in my dreams but I've no one to blame but me. I put myself there so I deserve everything. I know I'm acting out but I can't stop myself. Sorry

ImScared

When Do I Stop?

TW for talk about sex

When do I cross the line? I haven't had sex in forever and now I can't stop.(Ok, it's only been 2 guys so far) It's like I have this pent up, I don't know what and can't get it out. A guy that wants to get with me tonight asked me what did I like about sex......I told him I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm using it as a way to self harm myself. I can't cut but I can have sex with strangers....what the hell is wrong with me?! I've never been this way and now I am. I don't even feel anything. I'm not attached to them. I'm not having mind blowing sex. I just don't know what to do. I know I should stop but I'm not sure if I really want to......have I crossed the line? Just for the record, the total number of men I have slept with is 3. I know that's not a big number but why do I feel like a sl*t? I'm sorry because I'm always rambling but I need to get this off my chest. Have a safe night

ImScared

Self Destructing

Trigger Warning-Please read if you are in a safe place.......I'm going to use swearing and talk about sex.

I'm self destructing! I thought I was doing good but I'm not. I have to stop myself but don't know how. If you read my blog, you know that I've tried Tinder......the Virgin Queen has now officially been with 2 men besides her ex husband....actually I used to call myself a nun but now I've left the convent! =D

I already talked about the first guy and how great he was. The second guy was fun. We had 2 days of fun. I still don't understand why guys need to kiss and complement women when they already know they are getting sex but they still do. It's very weird to me to be told that I'm pretty....the ex didn't say these things. The new guy liked my breasts.....couldn't keep his hands off them, no surprise because guys do that all the time & no I don't consider that unusual. He apologised when he saw them the second time. I was a mess for him the first night, I felt horrible but he asked me to sleep next to him. I was fine with that until he put his arms around me. I started to freak out and he stopped immediately. I still don't think that's normal for guys to stop when asked to but I'm learning that real men do. Anyways, the next time I saw him and he saw that he had been rough on my breasts, he apologised and said he was so sorry. He left to go home Friday. My best friend isn't talking to me & I don't know why. I'm spiraling out of control....no I can't blame him but I am because he knows that he's hurting me. Today, I went on Craigslist to look to hook up with someone.....ja I know...I said I'm self destructing! I met up with a guy tonight because he said he just wanted to suck my breasts, nothing else. He was old and that's his thing. I thought ok, I mean it's nothing really bad, right? I'm missing the guy from this week and thought what the hell? This guy didn't understand no. He kept going and then when I said I've had enough....he walks with me to get my clothes....he grabs my nipples again and pulls them. I was/am in pain! It was so intense that I was having problems standing! He was pulling me up by them and then down. He seemed to enjoy it. I moved backward and he followed. Finally he said I'd had enough....no shit Sherlock! He seemed to get off on my pain. This is when I really realised that I can't keep this up. I have to get control of myself! He tells me that I seemed to enjoy myself! I'm like how the fuck do you figure? I'm saying OW, NO, It hurts.....but I liked it? No I won't be going back...he's too freaky for me and please don't bother with the lecture....I already know I was stupid. Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling but I had to get it out. I can't believe me! Have a safe night!

ImScared

I Switched

Only a very few people know about my others, of the 4 people I've told....1 is still here for me. Yesterday, I was Skyping with her and I switched. This has never happened before! I have done it texting the 4 people but never where you can see it happening. I'm kinda freaked out. Apparently, I saw a post and the next thing you know, I'm not me anymore. The thing is, I've had them under control and we've worked out an arrangement....well, they aren't allowed out because they caused some horrible issues with 2 of the people who know. I've been doing so good mentally and becoming a more positive person. I've been enjoying life and really starting to be happy....I just don't understand this. I'm sure it was because they felt comfortable with her but I'm not ok with this at all. No, I'm not in therapy. No, I'm not talking to anyone about this....I just needed to get it out. Sorry, I'm a rambler today but it's upset me a bit. Have a safe day!

ImScared

I'm not sure where this is going so I figured I'd put the tag on there in case.....

My first time was with my ex husband and I hadn't been with anyone else for 20 years. Then recently I joined Tinder (a hook up site)....I didn't know what to expect. I've horrible problems with men and have been afraid forever of having sex. The first guy who responded straight out said he wanted hot sex....it freaked me out and my others came out to take care of it. (They are the ones who signed us up for this site) I had a bad feeling and just didn't follow through. The next guy, the one I enjoyed 2 nights with, he gave me a different vibe. I was lucky and know it. I trusted myself and everything turned out well. Then this weekend, another guy texted me. At first, things seemed ok but then he said a few things that I knew I couldn't do and I told a friend that I was a bit scared. Did that stop me for texting him & arranging to meet him, no. Here's where that entity watching over me comes into play.....we never met up this weekend. I'm glad because I think I was going to let myself get into trouble. So my question is, could there be someone watching and making sure that I make better choices this time? Could they be making the universe not line up when things could turn ugly? If so, I appreciate it because I didn't have a good feeling about this guy. Does it mean he's a bad person? No, just not right for me. The guy I spent the night with, he was just what I needed and I keep looking for that again. He was perfect for my first time since my ex. I hope I can find someone again and that whoever is watching out for me continues because I need it. Thanks for listening to me ramble. I hope you have a peaceful night.

ImScared

Has anyone else dealt with someone who creeps you out but you have to deal with them? My sister's boyfriend creeps the beatlejuice out of me!!! He's never done anything to me but I can't stand to be in the same room as him for more than a few minutes. I can't put my finger on it but he creeps me beyond out. The first time I met him, I could barely stay in the room. I left quickly because I just couldn't stay. If you've had this, how did you deal with it? They are pretty serious and I will be having to deal with him so I'm trying to figure out how. Thanks

ImScared

I'm warning that this post is about sex......TW.....please be safe whilst reading this

I never posted my story. I can't...I've written it once and copy and pasted it ever since. I read it when I send it to a friend but I forget it immediately afterwards. Suffice to say that my ex husband was my problem. He was my first and only until this past week. I've lived like a nun for over 20 years....my friends understand the joke. I'm quite the innocent and never ever considered a one night stand or Tinder.....so I joined Tinder....well a part of me did. I met a guy and we hit it. He said that I was in charge and if I said stop, it was over. He was patient with me. We went at my pace. I know that I was extremely lucky and so fortunate!!! We met up 2x whilst he was in town. He got sick whilst here. He sent me a message saying that he enjoyed our time together. Here's the best part, I've been so scared all these years that it would always be the way it was with my ex but it wasn't. He straight out asked me if I had been r***d. I told him that I didn't use that word. He was so upset and extra gentle after that. I couldn't believe it. The crazy thing is he is British. It's funny because I'm planning to move to Europe in the fall.

I guess my point is....he let me do things that I've not done since my ex forced me to do them. It was freeing to not be scared and enjoy doing it. I let him hug me....that's huge! I let him kiss me....super huge!!!

Thank you for letting me share...I hope you are safe reading this and have a good night!!

ImScared

Happy

I'm really happy right now in my life. I've been making changes and I didn't really expect results but they are happening. I'm doing things that I never thought I would ever do and enjoying them! My best friend is back. He apologised and I apologised because it's time for me to start accepting responsibility for my mistakes and to learn. I missed him with all of my heart and I know he's hurting, I wish he would talk to me. I'm going to show him that I'm becoming a better person and maybe that will help him also. He's in a dark place and I want to help him so much because he has always done that for me. Have a good day!

ImScared

Changes

Losing my best friend has caused me to rethink my behaviours, I'm being more positive. Over the past several years, I've been pushing myself to try new things and leave my comfort zone. Last night was the biggest thing I've ever done......I met someone and had a great night with him. I did things I haven't done in a very long time. The only problem was he knew that I've been hurt. He allowed me to say no to anything I didn't want to do. Ja, I know I was so lucky to find him and for him to be as understanding as he was. The best is we have no expectations and don't want a relationship, that said he was a complete gentleman and didn't push me. For the first time in my life, I had someone care about how I felt and he wasn't concerned about his happiness only. It was nice and fun. We plan to meet up a few more times before he leaves and I'm so ok with this that it scares me. Can I consider this a breakthrough? I hope so and I really hope this allows me to let go of so much of my past. Have a great night!

ImScared

It's Me

I've lost 3 friends in the past year.....because of my behaviour. I lost 2 within a day of each other. I trusted them. I told them everything and they left. No goodbye, nothing. Does it still affect me? Oh ja, everyday. I miss them. I miss the long conversations about everything. I miss everything. Then I've lost my best friend. He's always been there for me no matter what but I've pushed him too hard. I never expected him to stay but I hoped. He has every right to leave. I can't believe he stayed as long as he did. It's been 2 weeks since we last spoke, for us that's forever. He's never gone this long without talking to me. But I understand, he needs to protect himself. I hurt people sometimes on purpose and sometimes I do it on accident. I think I need to think about others and just stop what I'm doing. I'm so sorry to all 3 people and miss them everyday so much! I don't know if I could ever do anything to bring them back but I wish I could. I hope they find happiness and enjoy their lives to the fullest. I hope I can find happiness one day but for the time being, I'm devastated beyond belief.

ImScared

Who Needs Feelings?

Feelings are so overrated! I'm so glad that mine are shut down. I love that nothing is bothering me. I don't feel anything and it's great. I'm so happy that nothing is affecting me. Have a great day

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