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Self Destructing

ImScared

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Trigger Warning-Please read if you are in a safe place.......I'm going to use swearing and talk about sex.

I'm self destructing! I thought I was doing good but I'm not. I have to stop myself but don't know how. If you read my blog, you know that I've tried Tinder......the Virgin Queen has now officially been with 2 men besides her ex husband....actually I used to call myself a nun but now I've left the convent! =D

I already talked about the first guy and how great he was. The second guy was fun. We had 2 days of fun. I still don't understand why guys need to kiss and complement women when they already know they are getting sex but they still do. It's very weird to me to be told that I'm pretty....the ex didn't say these things. The new guy liked my breasts.....couldn't keep his hands off them, no surprise because guys do that all the time & no I don't consider that unusual. He apologised when he saw them the second time. I was a mess for him the first night, I felt horrible but he asked me to sleep next to him. I was fine with that until he put his arms around me. I started to freak out and he stopped immediately. I still don't think that's normal for guys to stop when asked to but I'm learning that real men do. Anyways, the next time I saw him and he saw that he had been rough on my breasts, he apologised and said he was so sorry. He left to go home Friday. My best friend isn't talking to me & I don't know why. I'm spiraling out of control....no I can't blame him but I am because he knows that he's hurting me. Today, I went on Craigslist to look to hook up with someone.....ja I know...I said I'm self destructing! I met up with a guy tonight because he said he just wanted to suck my breasts, nothing else. He was old and that's his thing. I thought ok, I mean it's nothing really bad, right? I'm missing the guy from this week and thought what the hell? This guy didn't understand no. He kept going and then when I said I've had enough....he walks with me to get my clothes....he grabs my nipples again and pulls them. I was/am in pain! It was so intense that I was having problems standing! He was pulling me up by them and then down. He seemed to enjoy it. I moved backward and he followed. Finally he said I'd had enough....no shit Sherlock! He seemed to get off on my pain. This is when I really realised that I can't keep this up. I have to get control of myself! He tells me that I seemed to enjoy myself! I'm like how the fuck do you figure? I'm saying OW, NO, It hurts.....but I liked it? No I won't be going back...he's too freaky for me and please don't bother with the lecture....I already know I was stupid. Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling but I had to get it out. I can't believe me! Have a safe night!



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