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  1. ayame

    newbie

    hi everyone, im new here. finally decided to take the step to talk about my experience and i’m really nervous. i’m in therapy and on antidepressants but my ptsd hinders the progress i’ve made esp today since i had a looped nightmare of my sexual abuse. i’m just tired of feeling alone and i hope that i can feel like i belong somewhere. thanks for listening
  2. hvs101

    Intro

    hi this is my intro to my blog as a newbie. I’m dealing with my trauma that occurred at the ages of 14,15, and 16. i was Sexually assaulted by a friend as well as groomed by a teacher, and a few other men along the way. I’ve ignored it for years but going back to therapy has made me recognize the cause of many of my mental health issues now. I just feel really lonely with the after affects of assault and grooming. I still have nightmares about my teacher and still freak out about 85% of the time with sex. I just Really have been looking for a community that understands what it’s like to have t
  3. Hi, I'm terrified typing this. Was molested at a young age..... I always buried the pain. For years just dealt with the symptoms, like depression etc. I feel so alone, lost, aimless, and misunderstood. I've received sympathy from others, but not real empathy. I trust no one. I yearn for relationships but I'm terrified of them because I'm afraid to lose it. I feel utterly trapped, suffocating and drowning in the waters of all my suppressed pain. I hope I can get better, though doubtful.... Much more to say but keeping it a short intro. Thank you all so so much. I reall
  4. bby me: okay, Is there something wrong?...are you mad at me? Old me: Not at all, I'm never mad at you, I will always love you no matter what, I just wanna know how you're doing...I know sitting down can make you nervous because you relate It to being punished but I promise you that you're okay, you're safe. bby me: Okay. Well, I've felt lonely lately, sort of like everthing's empty. I miss my old room, my toys, my friends, It feels like there's nothing. Do you know If...It gets better? like, this feeling?. I know you'll always have my back but I don't always want you to be the only o
  5. bby me: "Hi. Yes I think I did, but this time I wasn't holding It back like I always do. Tears are meant to be shown, I am supposed to cry when I'm supposed to cry. I think that's why It's been so long since you cried big sis...because when you had the opportunity you'd never let It happen. I know how you feel, I felt embarrassed too, to cry In front of everyone...believe It or not there's so much shame In crying for women as well...everyone really... When people cry they say "I'm sorry", that's why you say It remember? and you never question why either, It's like you want to be 'polite'
  6. Hey everyone, I thought I'd let you know what this blogging Is all about. I thought I'd start a little journey between me and my little self. I know she has a lot to give, a lot to offer and I wanna hear her out... Some posts I might be stritcly talking personally with my Inner child, other times she might do the talking, who knows (like maybe my child-self had fun one day because she got to jump In a trampoline and wants to share that experience). I do wanna state however that, her and I are not two different people, we're part of a whole, this Is just an exercise that I find helps me he
  7. 13rose

    I hate the Night

    I hate the night. Sometimes I find myself lost in the dark. The daylight keeps me present, and the night takes me back. I start feeling tears stream down my face and I can't quite tell what they are from. Then I begin to feel like I am being sucked into a time loop. I am back at our old dirty apartment, sneaking past him as he sleeps...terrified he might wake up. My heart is racing, body tense then his eyes open. I flash forward to a new room. All of a sudden I am laying on a cot next to a stranger eyes wide open. My phone is flashing with messages reading I love you, I hate you, call me,
  8. 13rose

    Innocent

    I feel like I had so much stolen from me. No matter how many years go by, and how successful I become I will never have what I use to. I lost more than just money I lost who I use to be. The world will never look the same as it once did, I will never be as trusting, loving, caring...I will never be innocent again. Its funny, I guess I don't really want to change what happened because I do like who I am now, but I do often wish I could be who I am now with the innocence I use to have. Seeing the world the way I do currently may make me who I am but it often times makes me sad as well. Igno
  9. Ok so I posted a tiny bit and I didn't die. So far. My anxiety has been high, so my body definitely thinks it's going to die, but it's a false alarm. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Even with an as needed anxiety med, and a sleeping pill, and some bedtime tea, and some CBD oil. Don't worry, I didn't overdo it. Just one of each. I just want to pass the fuck out and turn my brain off for a while. Writing what I did made me remember a few things, like the glass pudding dishes. Like how I knew the taste of my mother's fury when I was so very little. It tasted like a penny in my mouth. Th
  10. Good Afternoon, I just joined this group and i'm brand new to all of this. I'm dealing with child sexual abuse i have pushed these memories down and only realized it till a couple years ago. Now its constantly on my mind. I'm having bad flashbacks and nightmares a lot. My PTSD is making me so irritable towards my wife (i'm gay) i feel like i'm ruining my marriage by the symptoms i'm having. Im just having a hard time with this issue. If you guys have any advice i would love it. Thank you for listening, theGr8ful
  11. It's june already.. my birthday just around the corner.. i don't know what to do.. how to deal with my trauma... i was raped a week after my birthday.. my trauma already come out and haunted my days.. i don't have anyone to talk to.. imsomnia .. depression.. I don't wanna talk to my family.. they don't even believe me.. how will i cope with this situations.... Lately i can't sleep.. i feel worthless.. useless.. i hate my self... i can't do this.. Anyways.. i don't have others choice .. i need to struggle.. no one will help me.. only me.. myself.. To everyone that on
  12. Urm.. i don't what to say.. but i guess i need help.. i need someone... listen to my story.. how hurts i am.. i just can't take it anymore.. i have no one to talk to.. about what happen to me.. Even my family don't believe me.. i don't know who else to believe... i never ask to be rape.. i never ask that... but no one listen to me... they put blame on me.. I hate myself.. i hate my life.. i live with trauma and depression.. and it's getting worse.. i do self harm... to getting rid of that feelings... I don't know what else to do.. i feel like wanna die.. wanna run a
  13. After silence

    Me

    Still crying.. can't get over it.... and i'm trying my best to forget it.. to move on.. Still think about suicide.. how to end it all...how to get rid of this feelings.. But somehow still manage to smile .. laugh... jokes with others.. While at 3 a.m .. I'm all alone.. and think.... i don't wanna live anymore.. this isn't fair.. why no one get it?? Why people put blame on me?? It's not like i wanna get that things happen to me! Why no one ever considered it.. never ask me how i feel..how i ever survive this depression anxiety all this things... I don't care ho
  14. You need to get over it... Thats what i get when i told my parents about my mental and health issues.. about my trauma and depression.. Thats all.. i need to get over it by myself.. i don't need help.. i'm gonna be fine.. what's the point i tell them about my problems.. when they don't even care?? Well.. am i really gonna be fine?with this trauma? Depression? And anxiety?
  15. It has been some time since my last blog entry. My therapist noticed somehow in the last few months, after 18 years of therapy with him, I was somehow getting better. That I had told him more about my grandfather's sexual abuse as a child in the last few months then I had in the entire 18 years he had known me. He took no credit, my psychiatrist took no credit. I think It all boils down to activity in this site. I have opened up for the first time. And though it's just typing, I know there are warm people actually reading it. I started a dream journal, and a journal to talk to my alters. The e
  16. The wall and the mask that i made up… Start to crumbling down.. It start to breaking into pieces… And i'm afraid of it… I'm no longer myself.. i already try the best…. But i know it hard… to be strong again… I started to lose it.. Nightmare? Depression? Trauma? Anxiety.. Bulimia... i can't afford it anymore.. I can't.. Faking my smile.. faking my laugh.. faking everything…why? Why do i need to do this.. why do i need to be someone that i'm not… Why do i need to impress everyone.. They don't even care I wake up 3 am everyday.. i'm crying a lot.. i do self
  17. Somehow.. tonight i feel kinda empty I feel like losing my ownself.. feel like wanna give up wanna end my life..
  18. After silence

    Nightmare

    Its just another nightmare... i dream about it again.. i can see clearly his face... i can barely feel his touch... its make me sick! How can i survive like this... whenever i see my reflection on mirror... i cant see me.. the real me.. i only see the other part of me..
  19. PMsupertramp

    Fear

    Today, I decided to share this experience. During my childhood years, I was molested three times by three different boys. While growing up, my memories were repressed but now that I'm in my adult years all of these are starting to haunt me back. Only one person knows this because I fear that everything will be in chaos if my family knows about it since one of my molesters was my cousin. This is why I'm scared too because he might come after my sisters since he visits sometimes. I am so afraid for what might happen to them because I'm away from home for my studies. I do not have the guts to tel
  20. After silence

    Cut

    Last night... I got depressed.. and cut my hand several times... lucky it doesnt blood so much.. and its not that hurt... I feel relieved and getting better after i cut my hand.. And now.. like nothing bad happen i'm smiling
  21. After silence

    Survive

    Its been 2 years.. i still cant forget it. I still live in nightmares.. i'm depress.. i'm struggling.. every day... I still hate my self.. i still cant accept it. The things you have done .. leaves me with scars... i dont like memories... i hate to remember it again.. i hate to shed a tear.. I left today hating what you have done to me.. you dont just took something from me.. you took everything.. every single of me.. Every time i showered.. i cry.. i still can see what you have done.. your hands are imprinted on me... your voice still lingers in my ear.. still pounding in my
  22. After silence

    Trauma

    Trauma? Feels like you want to end your life ??
  23. I'm good at faking smile... why? Because with that i know i'm getting stronger. I dont need people to keep asking me "are you okay?" No.. because whatever happen i'll never be okay.. I'm done. I'm tired. I just need my space.. my time to be alone.. i just want to be alone. I know i'll neved getting better.. i just keep faking everything . Faking my smile my laugh my appearence.. its bettter than crying out loud but no one listening .. no one ever care.. their just keep saying... "its all your fault" its okay.. i used to live my life like this.. im fine...
  24. Im sitting up the night before my first therapy appt. (again), can't sleep so I'm reading articles from the day. I come across this https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/06/13/sarah-mcbride-gay-survivors-helped-launch-me-too-but-rates-lgbt-abuse-largely-overlooked/692094002/ and i felt it touched home for me. now i know i shouldn't be reading this stuff, which i didn't in a way. it was more the headline spoke to me of my situation. it wasn't long after i came out in college that my r*** happened. the people in my circle knew and were cool with it, though i will say this sorority i thought a
  25. Hello, I am new to this group. This is my first post. I was raped 29 years ago at the age of 18. I delt with it by blaming myself for getting drunk. (Now, I know that's not true, he is the one who took from me what I did not give. He is to blame.) I never reported it, never told my parents. For reasons I can't explain, it's coming up and out now. I am feeling the pain, fear, and panic of my 18 year old self, NOW. The nice people at rape call centers didn't know what to do to help me. I am having trouble finding people like me. Who understand how and why I was able to keep all t
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