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  1. It has been some time since my last blog entry. My therapist noticed somehow in the last few months, after 18 years of therapy with him, I was somehow getting better. That I had told him more about my grandfather's sexual abuse as a child in the last few months then I had in the entire 18 years he had known me. He took no credit, my psychiatrist took no credit. I think It all boils down to activity in this site. I have opened up for the first time. And though it's just typing, I know there are warm people actually reading it. I started a dream journal, and a journal to talk to my alters. The effect of which was me meeting my alters in dreams often, having so many dreams of importance. I recognized they were of some importance, but it wasn't until I brought it to my therapist, who until this point really had no interest in dreams, that he was able to just immediately, BAM, make total sense of them. They then happened more often and more and more was coming out of my subconscious. While my psychiatrist kept insistent caution I could cause more damage than good, my therapist was ecstatic. Kind of pointing things out which made me come to realize that we had to wait these 18 years not for me to be ready, but for the alter that dealt with all the trauma to decide it was time bring some of the memories of the abuse to my consciousness. She was the one bringing those dreams and memories forward. It was her that decided it was time to start healing. She was finally ready. I had an odd dream, the last that I can recall. As my drs, and psychiatrist leaving, mother( who I am the primary caregiver for) is dying of cancer, and now my dad has inoperable kidney cancer, has caused me to go back on the high dose of my meds, essentially cutting off my dreams. The dream was 2 men came to the alter(Anna) that deals with trauma and took her away to fulfill some destiny. She was to become death to either some future or some past event. Myself and some other of the alters fought to keep her but we were no match to what took her. It felt like she was borrowed. The idea that she was coming back one day was there, but I have had no significant dreams since that dream. I hope this isn't the end. I need her around to control the flood gates. Without her, nothing new gets to me. I grew up with my mom. She grew up in a family that never showed emotion, never hugged, and she raised us that way. Since her diagnosis, I decided we are NOT going out that way and a minimum of one hug per day. She is finally opening up. I was not the only sexually abused child. Apparently, it runs in the family. In fact it seems to have run rampant in my family. It's sad. I'm sorry she had to endure this as well. apparently, my brother too, who I always had issues with was caught abusing a cousin, which makes me wonder about the mass of missing memories when I was young with him. I don't know if I should put therapy off until moms passed on, but I don't see me able to deal then, and then my therapist will retire and I will have lost every single piece of my support system. I had read somewhere to live life because there will always be some crisis going on... life sure has been that way my whole life.
  2. So for the last two nights I have been having dreams about my oldest freind from childhood J*. The first dream I didn't write down specifics but I remember some things and then last night again. IN the first dream She and I were upsate at my gradfathers where it all happened. And in the second dream it started there though it ended where I was at her house. When I was older I dated her brother and we had a dog that I loved with every part of me. In both dreams J* was sick, not physically, and I was trying to help her get through the issue and then I saw the dog and she came to me. The dog made me feel safe, protected, and loved. the abuse I went through as a child, and the alters that were made, I have very recently decided I wanted to work through. I think J* that I've known since I was in a crib is either representing my childood abuse or the alter the child. But the Dog and the feeling she brought up make me think its either my child alter, or my subconscious saying it's safe to be working on those issues now. Either someone is protecting me, or I'm just ready. Either way I see this as a very good sign that I'm heading the right way.
  3. ASnow

    My first Clue

    Thank you. Venting helps.
  4. ASnow

    My first Clue

    My Hell started when I was 4 when my grandfather had started to sexually abuse me. It went on for years. Infact it went on until he died when I was about 12. I probably spent a year finally feeling free. I always dissociated during the abuse, so what happened I did not remember, but the fear and icky feelings were there and I knew I did not want to be near him, though I knew not why. however about a year after he died I blocked that off too so the entire abuse was lost to my awareness. Infact I rememeber my slightly older cousin dragging me in my room one day at a holiday event and asked me if he ever did anything to me. well, I had NO memory of it and told her no and asked her why, and I could see she got flustered, but thought nothing of it at the time. My whole family, barring that one cousin, thought he was the greatest thing this world ever produced. I remember getting mad when the subject was brought up at gatherings and I also remember that other cousin literally hating him. I don't think she ever forgot. My first clue that something was wrong was when I was watching a documentary on childhood sexual abuse . they were listing symptoms later on and I think the first was a dislike of their faces getting wet. I dont remember the others. But it was at this point when I knew something happened to me, but I was decades away from remembering from who. Infact when I was about 32 was when all the body memories were starting to make sense. Thinking I was loosing my mind, I remembered my cousin cornering me in my room that day so I emailed her and told her that I thought he did that to me. Her response was 'ditto' and it was never brought up again. I have realized that my promiscous nature, and my choices in men and situations were all chosen to do what my grandfather wanted me to. As backwards as that is, I was still stuck in the 4 year old mindset of loving him, and trying to make him happy. I am 46 now, and I had to cut off all relationships with men for me to finally start working through this issue. I feel as though if I don't do this now I will never have a healthy relationship, because as i am now, just hating relations as much as I do there is no chance of having one.... and it would be nice to have that before I die. that however involves remembering, which will have to involve fusion of my alters. A long road ahead.. It took 20 years from first clue to knowing a little bit about what happened. I'm hoping the next steps won't take as long. But that blog's for another day.
  5. ASnow


    hi, sorry to hear about what happened. I am new here too and have found it very helpful so far. welsome ot the group!
  6. @LookingfortheSun Hi, I'm new here too. Welcome to the group! Everyone is so supportive here, I think you will find it helpful
  7. Hi @itsmev I am new here as well. I am sorry to hear about what has happened to you. It has been my place to start as well. There are many great people here and a lot of information to help. It's also a great place to vent. ☺ welcome to the group!
  8. thank you everyone. I look forward to being a member and talking and learning.
  9. Hi, I am new to the group. When I was a young child my grandfather sexually abused me until he died. I spent many years not recalling it at all. And I leRned how to dissociate. Later in life rape became a recurring theme on my life. I'm sure I put myself in daNgerous situations. I bipolar in remission now but when I was manic my judgement was way off. During one I remembered what my grandfather did, up until the point when I would dissociate. I have been in therapy since I was 6 and I finally seem to be getting somewhere. My life has been ruled by what he did and I don't want it to have any hold over me anymore.. Which means remembering to deal with it, it also means joining those two parts of me. It's starting to come back in my nightmares. I was just wondering if anyone knew how to remember, or has dealt with it the way I had?? I guess I just need someone to talk to that has been there...
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