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Old me: let's have a talk kid, here sit next to me...



bby me: okay, Is there something wrong?...are you mad at me?

Old me: Not at all, I'm never mad at you, I will always love you no matter what, I just wanna know how you're doing...I know sitting down can make you nervous because you relate It to being punished but I promise you that you're okay, you're safe.

bby me: Okay. Well, I've felt lonely lately, sort of like everthing's empty. I miss my old room, my toys, my friends, It feels like there's nothing. Do you know If...It gets better? like, this feeling?. I know you'll always have my back but I don't always want you to be the only one with me, maybe that's a little selfish; I wonder why most people don't step In or care enough to protect me; the strangest thing Is that I know you'd do It In a heartbeat for them though. Sometimes It's hard to understand how we can give so much and expect nothing from no one, and I don't mean as In 'returning the favor' at all, but just appriciating the fact that you did It, like, maybe a 'thank you' or a smile or whatever way they have of expressing that they care or noticed.

In your case big sis, your memory Is faulty (and I don't mean It In a bad way) so you don't remember If they ever said anything nice back or not but, I do, I always remember, I'm your subconscious, I keep track on everything eveyone says or doesn't say...sometimes It's exhausting...but It has made me notice how many of them keep quiet.

Oldme: I know how you feel...quite literally. You've truly always spoken beyond your years and, I'm sorry that, that's the case because It's connected to growing up too soon, but, I want you to know that there's always advantages to how you experience things because of trauma and they serve for more than just being a 'bad memory';  you're able to make people listen, to understand, to change their minds, and believe It or not...that's not easy. It's people like you...people like us that have been through so much that are able to teach others about It, transmute It Into something else. Yes, we didn't deserve any of It and It shouldn't have happened In the first place but, It did and we can't change that. Sometimes the only thing left to do when bad shit happens Is to just talk about, It may seem like It doesn't do anything but you'll find that one person that's willing to listen, to learn...somehow It turns out to be fullfiling to see others grow from your pain, luckily you grow with them too...I'm telling you this because even though you're able to heal so much, you can also feel very alone In this spot, It's normal, not a lot of people are on that spot, you could say It's a special one too. The problem becomes when you feel like you're the only one there, when your trauma Is the thing that separates you from others, not all, but a majority. This Is okay...It's something I still struggle with to this day too. It's not the fact that people don't want to step In, most of them just don't know how and think that the easy way out Is to just leave you to It, which we both know Isn't true.

I truly, completely understand the wish that you don't always have me as support because everyone needs a little help from others as well, we're just human. It's not right that people Ignore us, no. Ignorance Is bliss but It's also a curse, even for them; I'm sorry that the people who were supposed to take care of you did such a bad job and the people you meet now don't seem to try enough either. I need you to remind yourself though that this Isn't because they don't care but because they don't have the tools or the Information to do a good job...It doesn't make It right but It might be an easier weight to carry when you fully understand why It happened the way It did. It's also helpful to remind yourself of the people that are there, the ones that actually do a good job, even If It's just that one person.

Unfortunetly being by ourselves Is going to be our primary net of support for a while...sometimes here and there, there will be friends who offer to help and you'll notice how little changes like that can shift everything, but for now things are stagnant, stressful and lonely, and you have all the right to feel that way, to miss the things that used to make you feel safe, good and happy...know that you can still come back to those things without shame. I too wish that one day we're not our only company and that somebody Is able to sit down with us and have these types of conversations too. You deserve to be listened to, you have so many great Ideas...stuff that I can't even come up with now. I love and appriciate that you keep tabs of everything, It's honestly Impressive, though I know that being aware of It all can be too much some days too. All I can say Is that people's behaviour IS NOT your fault, In fact, when someone different arrives to planet Earth I truly believe the world becomes a better place...It means that people are faced with a new challenge which Is to accept and accomodate those who function differently, If they haven't done so already or, as you said, If they 'keep quiet' then It means they've failed you, It's a lesson that they need to learn for themselves, nothing we can do or worry about for now.

It's never late for those people to change their minds, It really Isn't, after all, they're human too. We don't have to wait for them to change at all, but when they're ready (If they are), there's no reason why we shouldn't recieve them either. I hope this helps...Love you kid




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