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PTSD Journal

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I hate the Night


13rose

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I hate the night.

Sometimes I find myself lost in the dark. The daylight keeps me present, and the night takes me back. I start feeling tears stream down my face and I can't quite tell what they are from. Then I begin to feel like I am being sucked into a time loop. I am back at our old dirty apartment, sneaking past him as he sleeps...terrified he might wake up. My heart is racing, body tense then his eyes open. I flash forward to a new room. All of a sudden I am laying on a cot next to a stranger eyes wide open. My phone is flashing with messages reading I love you, I hate you, call me, I am changing the locks, I am burning all of your belongings, you will never see our cat again, call me, I love you... I curl into a ball and squeeze my eyes shut hoping it will be over. Only to open them again and be back in the present, realizing he is gone. I feel a sense of panic, comfort and yearning all at the same time. I miss him. I hate him. I love him. I despise him. It is over. Its been years. It feels like yesterday, but it has been years. I have moved on, I am happy remember? I squeeze my eyes shut again to make me wakeup, only to realize I am awake it will just never be over. As long as there is night, it will never be over. The night will sometimes take me back, I just have to learn to live with it.

I hate the night.

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Oh wow @13rose... this is so powerful, and relatable. I am so sorry the night haunts you in this way. I feel similarly about the night and my traumas. The part you mentioned about being sucked into a time loop feels so true when I’m in bed at night. I’m not sure what to say really. I just want you to know I admire your strength as a survivor, in what you have been through, and being able to communicate and express your feelings in this way. Although sad, you wrote this so beautifully and powerfully. Thank your for sharing. I am sending you kindness and support, as well as sitting with you if you’d like. 💕

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