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13rose

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    Survivor

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  1. 13rose

    Innocent

    I feel like I had so much stolen from me. No matter how many years go by, and how successful I become I will never have what I use to. I lost more than just money I lost who I use to be. The world will never look the same as it once did, I will never be as trusting, loving, caring...I will never be innocent again. Its funny, I guess I don't really want to change what happened because I do like who I am now, but I do often wish I could be who I am now with the innocence I use to have. Seeing the world the way I do currently may make me who I am but it often times makes me sad as well. Ignorance in many ways is indeed bliss. I miss not constantly looking over my shoulder when walking alone. I miss how I use to want to be a foster parent and take care of as many kids as possible. I miss the trust I use to have in doctors and professionals. I miss being able to blindly help anybody just because I thought everyone was nice inside. I miss the faith I had in people. I do still believe that many people are good, but I now recognize that even the best people may not have the best intentions. I now know if you just trust blindly, and love everyone they will take and take until you have nothing left, then keep taking. Love is not enough. The world is set up so you have to fight for survival, fight for yourself. If you are not fighting for yourself instead always putting other people first like I use to you will be crushed. I have learned that I can still be kind, but I can not be innocent.
  2. I wish I had an answer for you. But I can say I have similar feelings. Maybe tell your partner about how your feeling before sex. Assuming you trust your partner and are in a safe place. That helped me a bit with mine, I told him its hard for me to tell you to stop because I feel like I am not suppose to and if I do you will leave. Then he said some wonderful things to me about how he won't leave etc. For a while he was extra careful and slowly it has gotten better but its still hard to speak up. Sitting with you too if that's ok ❤️
  3. Hello everyone, ****Sorry for the trigger warning, its not graphic just wasn't sure what would upset people in the forums, and wanted to play it safe***** This is just my short introduction. I left a domestic abuse situation a few years ago and am now in a safe happy new life and relationship. However, I still struggle all the time with what happened to me, and some days are harder than others. It was emotional, sexual, and eventually physical abuse and in the end when I left I had to leave my cat behind with the abuser. Its been years, I even have a new cat now who I love to pieces and is completely different than the one that I lost however some days I just find myself crying for the cat I lost. I loved her so much and the thought that it feels like I basically abandoned her is something that is hard to cope with. I tried fighting for her but his name was on everything even though I paid for and took care of her. The day I ran he said I would never get to see her again and he was right. He even put her in his car the day I took the few things I could out of our apartment with the police there. I find myself looking through photos of her on days that are hard. I just remember how she use to run away from him when he would come home and hide. I couldn't save her, and the thought that she is most likely still alive and stuck with him without me hurts so bad. I also struggle with stuff due to the sexual experiences I had which I don't want to tmi anyone with too many details there. Everything has been a lot better but I thought it would be a good idea to try and join a community like this to share my story and help others. Thanks for reading.
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