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PTSD Journal

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I feel like I had so much stolen from me.

No matter how many years go by, and how successful I become I will never have what I use to. I lost more than just money I lost who I use to be. The world will never look the same as it once did, I will never be as trusting, loving, caring...I will never be innocent again. Its funny, I guess I don't really want to change what happened because I do like who I am now, but I do often wish I could be who I am now with the innocence I use to have. Seeing the world the way I do currently may make me who I am but it often times makes me sad as well. Ignorance in many ways is indeed bliss.

I miss not constantly looking over my shoulder when walking alone. I miss how I use to want to be a foster parent and take care of as many kids as possible. I miss the trust I use to have in doctors and professionals. I miss being able to blindly help anybody just because I thought everyone was nice inside. I miss the faith I had in people.

I do still believe that many people are good, but I now recognize that even the best people may not have the best intentions. I now know if you just trust blindly, and love everyone they will take and take until you have nothing left, then keep taking. Love is not enough. The world is set up so you have to fight for survival, fight for yourself. If you are not fighting for yourself instead always putting other people first like I use to you will be crushed.

I have learned that I can still be kind, but I can not be innocent.

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