Don't suicide
Entry posted by After silence ·
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The wall and the mask that i made up…
Start to crumbling down..
It start to breaking into pieces…
And i'm afraid of it…
I'm no longer myself.. i already try the best…. But i know it hard… to be strong again…
I started to lose it..
Nightmare?
Depression?
Trauma?
Anxiety.. Bulimia... i can't afford it anymore..
I can't..
Faking my smile.. faking my laugh.. faking everything…why?
Why do i need to do this.. why do i need to be someone that i'm not…
Why do i need to impress everyone..
They don't even care
I wake up 3 am everyday.. i'm crying a lot.. i do self harm.. but theres no one with me.. theres no one comfort me.. i know theres no one .. nobody will comfort me.. help me.. through all of this…. I know i'm all alone… i know it…
I took a deep breath.. close my eyes for a moment.. i need to let it go.. i must!
Just for a while.. i can't.. i know i can't
Tears slowly crawl down on my cheek..
I start to scream… i feel pain in my chest.. i feel a lot of burden that i need to let go.. but it didn't happen…
I can't take it anymore…
I grab cutter that lie on my desk..
I start to cut my wrist.. one cut.. two cut… three cut… blood start dripping on the floor…
Same goes with my tears…
I drop the cutter.. i start to feel weak..
My tears cant stop falling..
For a while.. i didn't feel pain... i don't feel anything
Its getting harder to breath… it hurt deep inside.. its torturing me.. but i can't break free.. so i continue to crying…
Why can't let me be who i am… why can't people accept me for who i am…
Please.. save me from this feeling… i just wanna be free…
I wanna chill out like before… i miss the old moment.. the moment that i still myself… moment i didn't become somebody else…
Why everything turn complicated… why…
I guess this is life.. i need to become somebody else to impress every single thing in this world…
Even it making me frustrated… but i guess this is how i still can survive.. by faking everything…
I wake up from my bed… throw away my comforter.. face myself in front of the mirror… even though my wrist hurt.. blood shattered everywhere… i need to continue live on..
I took a deep breath.. i smile…
Yes.. i need to smile.. but then i felt something cold on my cheek… i'm crying. I hate to shed a tear… i totally hate it..
And its the moment i know i no longer can't pretend…. Its getting harder to pretend.. to survive…
Suddenly i feel a vibration.. my phone ringing..
I see a notification come in..
I got message from someone…
Its from someone i know… i pick up my phone and start to read what written on the chat..
"Dear…
You know you are my everything.. before this i always alone... you're the one who support … help me whenever i down… i would do anything to always be with you… you know what.. you are my sunshine… you shine my day… when people shut me off.. you always there for me… "
"You are worthless than anything… don't hurt yourself… please don't…even no one in this world accept you for who you are... God still there for you.. i'm also always there for you… even its hard.. even its torturing you.. smile. Please smile.. your smile brighter my day.. i know you still there.. you didn't lose yourself.. you are here with us.. come back… we misses you so much….."
"But i know… you no longer here.. in this world.. with us… its been 3 month… we miss you a lot.. i.. i can't forgive myself.. for not be there while you hurting yourself... i know i'm not a good friend.. for always left you behind .. i'm sorry that i can't help you to break free from this cruel world… i'm so sorry…."
" i miss you a lot…. I wish we still together… to the end… i'm sorry…. "
My tears broken.. if only times can be rewind.. i wish i didn't do that stupid thing… i wish i was stronger than this..
I miss you guys too… a lot….
I'm sorry for doing all of this… i thought theres no one here for me anymore….
I'm sorry… i only can regretting all of this…
I look around my bedroom.. theres a photo on my cupboard… my photo… with a letter..
That written.. " we will always love you.. we will always miss you.. rest in peace… you are not loser.. you are stronger than anyone.. you are survivor…. may God always bless you dear.." - ♡♡
Don't suicide… ♡♡
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