After Silence

So today is my birthday..

Happy birthday to me..

💔💔

It's june already.. my birthday just around the corner.. i don't know what to do.. how to deal with my trauma... i was raped a week after my birthday.. my trauma already come out and haunted my days.. i don't have anyone to talk to.. imsomnia .. depression.. 

I don't wanna talk to my family.. they don't even believe me.. how will i cope with this situations.... 😭😭😭

Lately i can't sleep.. i feel worthless.. useless.. i hate my self... i can't do this.. 

Anyways.. i don't have others choice .. i need to struggle.. no one will help me.. only me.. myself.. 

To everyone that on the same situation with me.. u guys can do it.. even no one trust us.. keep fighting . And never give up.. how hard it is...

P/s trying to help myself.. 💔💔

Urm.. i don't what to say.. but i guess i need help.. 😢 i need someone...  listen to my story.. how hurts i am.. i just can't take it anymore.. i have no one to talk to.. about what happen to me.. 😢😢

Even my family don't believe me.. i don't know who else to believe... i never ask to be rape.. i never ask that... 😢 but no one listen to me... they put blame on me.. 

I hate myself.. i hate my life.. 😢 i live with trauma and depression.. and it's getting worse.. i do self harm... to getting rid of that feelings... 😢

I don't know what else to do.. i feel like wanna die.. wanna run away.. wanna dissapear... i can't take it anymore.. 😢😢

It hurts me... 😭😭😭 god.. i totally hate my life... this isn't fair... what should i do... why no one trust me???? 😢😢😭😭

Still crying.. can't get over it.... and i'm trying my best to forget it.. to move on.. 

Still think about suicide.. how to end it all...how to get rid of this feelings.. 

But somehow still manage to smile .. laugh... jokes with others.. 

While at 3 a.m .. 😭😭

I'm all alone.. 😢 and think.... i don't wanna live anymore.. this isn't fair.. why no one get it?? Why people put blame on me?? It's not like i wanna get that things happen to me! Why no one ever considered it.. never ask me how i feel..how i ever survive this depression anxiety all this things... 

I don't care how many years its gonna take.. but why.. no one believe me... it's not my fault.. i don't want all of this things to happen.. i don't want.. 

I wanna dissapear.. i want to forget all of this.. 😢

Sorry for my broken english.. 😭😭

You need  to get over it...

Thats what i get when i  told my parents about my mental and health issues..  about my trauma and depression.. 

Thats all.. i need to get over it by myself.. i don't need help.. i'm gonna be fine..

😊 what's the point i tell them about my problems.. when they don't even care??

Well.. am i really gonna  be fine?with this trauma? Depression? And anxiety? 

The wall and the mask that i made up…
Start to crumbling  down..
It start to breaking into pieces…
And i'm afraid of it…
I'm no longer myself.. i already try the best…. But i know it hard… to be strong again… 

I started to lose it..
Nightmare?
Depression?
Trauma?
Anxiety.. Bulimia... i can't afford it anymore..
I can't..  
Faking my smile.. faking my laugh.. faking everything…why?
Why do i need to do this.. why do i need to be someone that i'm not…
Why do i need to impress everyone..
They don't even care

I wake up 3 am everyday.. i'm crying a lot.. i do self harm.. but theres no one with me.. theres no one comfort me.. i know theres no one .. nobody will comfort me.. help me.. through all of this…. I know i'm all alone… i know it…

I took a deep breath.. close my eyes for a moment.. i need to let it go.. i must!
Just for a while.. i can't.. i know i can't
Tears slowly crawl down on my cheek..
I start to scream… i feel pain in my chest.. i feel a lot of burden that i need to let go.. but it didn't happen…

I can't take it anymore… 
I grab cutter that lie on my desk.. 
I start to cut my wrist.. one cut.. two cut… three cut… blood start dripping on the floor…
Same goes with my tears…
I drop the cutter.. i start to feel weak.. 
My tears cant stop falling..
For a while.. i didn't feel pain... i don't feel anything

Its getting harder to breath…  it hurt deep inside.. its torturing me.. but i can't break free.. so i continue to crying… 
Why can't let me be who i am… why can't people accept me for who i am… 
Please.. save me from this feeling… i just wanna be free…

I wanna chill out like before… i miss the old moment..  the moment that i still myself… moment i didn't become somebody else…
Why  everything turn complicated… why…
I guess this is life.. i need to become somebody else to impress every single thing in this world… 
Even it making me frustrated… but i guess this is how i still can survive.. by faking everything…

I wake up from my bed… throw away my comforter.. face myself in front of the mirror… even though my wrist hurt.. blood shattered everywhere… i need to continue live on.. 
I took a deep breath.. i smile…
Yes.. i need to smile.. but then i felt something cold on my cheek… i'm crying. I hate to shed a tear… i totally hate it..

And its the moment i know i no longer can't pretend…. Its getting harder to pretend.. to survive… 
Suddenly i feel a vibration.. my phone ringing..
I see a notification come in.. 
I got message from someone…
Its from someone i know… i pick up my phone and start to read what written on the chat.. 

"Dear… 
You know you are my everything..  before this i always alone... you're the one  who support … help me whenever i down… i would do anything to always be with you… you know what.. you are my sunshine… you shine my day… when people shut me off.. you always there for me… "

"You are worthless than anything… don't hurt yourself… please don't…even no one in this world accept you for who you are... God still there for you.. i'm also always there for you… even its hard.. even its torturing you.. smile. Please smile..  your smile brighter my day.. i know you still there.. you didn't lose  yourself.. you are here with us..  come back… we misses you so much….."

"But i know… you no longer here..  in this world..  with us… its been 3 month… we miss you a lot.. i.. i can't forgive myself.. for not be there while you hurting yourself... i know i'm not a good friend.. for always left you behind  .. i'm sorry that i can't help you to break free from this cruel world… i'm so sorry…."

" i miss you a lot…. I wish we still together… to the end… i'm sorry…. "

My tears broken.. if only times can be rewind.. i wish i didn't do that stupid thing… i wish i was stronger than this.. 
I miss you guys too… a lot….
I'm sorry for doing all of this… i thought theres no one here for me anymore….
I'm sorry… i only can regretting all of this…

I look around my bedroom.. theres a photo on my cupboard… my photo… with a letter.. 
That written.. " we will always love you.. we will always miss you.. rest in peace… you are not loser.. you are stronger than anyone.. you are survivor…. may God always bless you dear.." - ♡♡

                                              Don't suicide… ♡♡

Somehow.. tonight i feel kinda empty

I feel like losing my ownself.. feel like wanna give up wanna end my life..

I'm all alone...

Friends? I dont have it.. actually i have.. a lot of friends.. but they just exist when they need something from me 😂

But i feel happy with my life now.. being alone are good and awesome.. i dont need to think about others.. their feelings.. are they okay or not.. coz they never even care.. about me.. so yeahh.. the hell with it.. 

😭😢 actually i do care.. i love all of my friends... but they didnt.. why should i have this kind of feeling.. i hate all of this.. 

Kinda hating being alone.. but life is bitches.. so yeahh accept it 

Be strong dearself!

Its just another nightmare... i dream about it again.. i can see clearly his face... i can barely feel his touch...  its make me sick!

How can i survive like this... whenever i see my reflection on mirror... i cant see me.. the real me.. i only see the other part of me..

😢😢😢😢

Last night...

I got depressed.. and cut my hand several times... lucky it doesnt blood so much.. and its not that hurt...

I feel relieved and getting better after i cut my hand..

And now.. like nothing bad happen

😊 i'm smiling

Its been 2 years.. i still cant forget it. I still live in nightmares.. i'm depress.. i'm struggling.. every day... 

I still hate my self.. i still cant accept it. The things you have done .. leaves me with scars... i dont like memories... i hate to remember it again.. i hate to shed a tear.. 

I left today hating what you have done to me.. you dont just took something from me.. you took everything.. every single of me.. 

Every time i showered.. i cry.. i still can see what you have done.. your hands are imprinted on me... your voice still lingers in my ear.. still pounding in my head ... its a bad daydream that never ends...

Your hand that choke me.. that slap me.. that touch me.. i cant forget it.. everytime its kill me.. i hate my body as much as i hate you.. i hate my eye.. my ear.. my hair.. my body.. even my voice... because of you.. its hurt me everytime i remember.. you touch me... its hurt me a lot .. everytime i know.. i am a broken girl....

This is the pain.. that no one can see.. its slowly killing me.. torture me.. killing me apart.. bit by bit.. its hurt.. its kill me inside..

Theres the day that i wanna give up.. like i wanna kill myself.. like i want to end all of this..  i am a shame.. i am a mistake.. 

I am nobody.. useless.. unprecious..  but i still try.. try my best. Struggling here by my side.. continue faking everything.. to see everyone beside me.. happy.. to see their smile.. their happiness.. because i love them... they everything to me... 

Even though i'm nothing to them....

Every night.. i still whisper the same thing.. almost 2 years... "please.. let me go.. please.. stop it.. please... " every night with my pillow full with tears.. i cant scream out loud.. i cant crying out loud.. i dont want people to know.. how broke my hearts. How hurt i am.. 

Because in the morning.. here i am.. smile.. laugh.. in front of your guys... 

Faking my another day.. my life.. just to see people around me.. smile and cheerful..

Here i am.. a survival girl.. who dying inside.. but live outside...

Trauma?

Feels like you want to end your life

??

I'm good at faking smile...

😊 why? Because with that i know i'm getting stronger. I dont need people to keep asking me "are you okay?" No.. because whatever happen i'll never be okay.. 

I'm done. I'm tired. 

I just need my space.. my time to be alone.. i just want to be alone.  

I know i'll neved getting better.. i just keep faking everything . Faking my smile my laugh my appearence.. its bettter than crying out loud but no one listening .. no one ever care.. their just keep saying... "its all your fault" its okay.. i used to live my life like this.. im fine...