After Silence

Last night...

I got depressed.. and cut my hand several times... lucky it doesnt blood so much.. and its not that hurt...

I feel relieved and getting better after i cut my hand..

And now.. like nothing bad happen

😊 i'm smiling

Its been 2 years.. i still cant forget it. I still live in nightmares.. i'm depress.. i'm struggling.. every day... 

I still hate my self.. i still cant accept it. The things you have done .. leaves me with scars... i dont like memories... i hate to remember it again.. i hate to shed a tear.. 

I left today hating what you have done to me.. you dont just took something from me.. you took everything.. every single of me.. 

Every time i showered.. i cry.. i still can see what you have done.. your hands are imprinted on me... your voice still lingers in my ear.. still pounding in my head ... its a bad daydream that never ends...

Your hand that choke me.. that slap me.. that touch me.. i cant forget it.. everytime its kill me.. i hate my body as much as i hate you.. i hate my eye.. my ear.. my hair.. my body.. even my voice... because of you.. its hurt me everytime i remember.. you touch me... its hurt me a lot .. everytime i know.. i am a broken girl....

This is the pain.. that no one can see.. its slowly killing me.. torture me.. killing me apart.. bit by bit.. its hurt.. its kill me inside..

Theres the day that i wanna give up.. like i wanna kill myself.. like i want to end all of this..  i am a shame.. i am a mistake.. 

I am nobody.. useless.. unprecious..  but i still try.. try my best. Struggling here by my side.. continue faking everything.. to see everyone beside me.. happy.. to see their smile.. their happiness.. because i love them... they everything to me... 

Even though i'm nothing to them....

Every night.. i still whisper the same thing.. almost 2 years... "please.. let me go.. please.. stop it.. please... " every night with my pillow full with tears.. i cant scream out loud.. i cant crying out loud.. i dont want people to know.. how broke my hearts. How hurt i am.. 

Because in the morning.. here i am.. smile.. laugh.. in front of your guys... 

Faking my another day.. my life.. just to see people around me.. smile and cheerful..

Here i am.. a survival girl.. who dying inside.. but live outside...

Trauma?

Feels like you want to end your life

??

I'm good at faking smile...

😊 why? Because with that i know i'm getting stronger. I dont need people to keep asking me "are you okay?" No.. because whatever happen i'll never be okay.. 

I'm done. I'm tired. 

I just need my space.. my time to be alone.. i just want to be alone.  

I know i'll neved getting better.. i just keep faking everything . Faking my smile my laugh my appearence.. its bettter than crying out loud but no one listening .. no one ever care.. their just keep saying... "its all your fault" its okay.. i used to live my life like this.. im fine...