RubyRosie
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Hey all,
Happy new year everyone. I hope that each of you finds hope and peace and healing in the coming year. May next January find you in a better, healthier place than you are today. Happy New Year friends,
RR
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Happy New Year to you too @RubyRosie. Sending you warm wishes for a lovely 2021. 💜
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Pocket riders please?
Today is my first physical therapy appointment since covid hit. I'm off the charts nervous to be at the hospital. But I need this evaluation. I'm weak and shakey and exhausted. But at least the physical therapist will see me as I am not just at my best. I'm immune compromised, and nervous as hell, so I just called the lady at the info desk at the hospital. She said that as soon as she got off the phone with me she was going to go wipe down the wheelchairs that are near the front desk. Didn't make me feel like an idiot for being so nervous. So thank you awesome info desk attendant! So so much.
I'm so anxious about this whole thing I have a stomachache. Normally I'm a people person, so this level of anxiety feels crazy to me. I feel like I'm losing my mind or I'm germaphobic (I'm not) or agoraphobic (I'm not) or something.
RR
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Hi @8888
Not too late. My evaluation lasted 2 hours yesterday. Today I'm super sore and tired and I just really wish everything didn't hurt so much.
thanks for being here. I'm going to nap now awake for 2 hours and my energy is almost gone.
RR
Will update later. Kindof hopeful kindof scary news.
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Hi @8888
Not too late. My evaluation lasted 2 hours yesterday. Today I'm super sore and tired and I just really wish everything didn't hurt so much.
thanks for being here. I'm going to nap now awake for 2 hours and my energy is almost gone.
RR
Will update later. Kindof hopeful kindof scary news.
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RubyRosie
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Just a quick update. I know there are a few people on AS that I regularly touch base with and I'm sorry if you haven't heard from me lately. I didn't mean to just bail. Im safe but overwhelmed and feeling like just coping with everything is all I can do right now. Physically I'm exhausted all the time. Mentally I feel like the only reason I'm still going is because my niece and nephew are here and they need me. Thanksgiving is in less than 2 days and it doesn't feel like it. It feel like just another loss. I know that's my depression talking, but it's how I feel. And guilty, cuz I haven't checked in in a while. I'm sorry guys.
RR
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Thanks @Capulet
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Hey everyone. I'm still kinda just going through the motions, but a little less numb.
I hope wherever you are, you are safe and well. And if you are celebrating Thanksgiving, you are finding at least one thing to be grateful for.
I'm thinking of you all, scattered all over the earth. I'm sending so much love and support to you. I am grateful for the whole network of you. Every single one. Everyone who is willing to share their story. Everyone who has shared their private hurts. Everyone who has read anything I've posted. Anyone who has taken the time to reach out to me and to any other members. Your very existence give me a bit of hope that there is still goodness in this world.
Truly, when the site was down I realized how very much I appreciate you all.
RR
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New Site Upgrades - post your feedback, here!
RubyRosie replied to Capulet's topic in Public: Feedback Dropbox
Hi All, I am most often on mobile too. Often with no access to a "real" computer. Using chrome browser and also have no option for notifications or messages. One new thing that I do like is the "unread replies__________________" line that conveniently remember where I last read from. Thanks @BrightSide for setting up that thread. Goodness I've missed you all so much! RR -
So, I've had ptsd for a while now. Since the accident 9 years ago. I was moving when I got hit from behind. Like all my stuff was packed I. The back of my truck. And then my whole life just exploded. For a long time I thought my brain was broken. Like wtf was wrong with me that I could survive so much. So much neglect, abuse, just all the shit. All the very personal, directed at me shit. But a random asshole from outta nowhere hits me and my brain starts to crumble? Like it was so impersonal. Random as fuck. Why is THIS the thing that breaks my brain? And so I felt like that for
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@Capulet Thanks RR
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So...shit's been rough here. I started a post about it, but that's still a work in progress. It's like 10:30 at night and I just had some news about some pretty big schedule changes this whole week and I'm shaking. Nothing bad (the changes, that is), but I'm just legit that stressed out that something that'd normally not phase me is making me consider taking an anxiety med. So... Before that...today I was working on a couple of paintings. I kind of got lost in them. I'll post them below. I put a quarter on there to show the scale. I basically made flowers/succulents into mendala
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17 - I am not failing, I'm just trying to do too much
RubyRosie commented on RubyRosie's blog entry in Please no pity
Thank you for asking @Capulet. I appreciate it. Things have been very stressful. I've been having a horrible time sleeping, and the PTSD symptoms are awful. All I can say is thank goodness for people answering the crisis line when I call. It helps to remember that they volunteered for the job. I hate feeling like my mental health challenges are burdening people I love. I know how that sounds...but still, it's how I feel. I've been writing a blog post about it but it's going slow. Maybe I'll finish it this weekend? Again, thanks for asking, RR -
17 - I am not failing, I'm just trying to do too much
RubyRosie posted a blog entry in Please no pity
So, it's been a few days, almost a week really, since my last venting via blog. I was feeling so much like I am failing my niece and nephew. Like the stress of all of this getting to me and why can't it just be like when they were little. When they were preschool age it was easy to motivate them. I had fuckin energy to spare. Wtf happened!?! Just really judging the eff outta myself, ya know? But, here's the thing... I'm not the same person I was back then, and neither are they. I have been getting down on myself for not being able to somehow replicate a whole team of teachers an -
16 - I've been trying to manage my stress, mostly without success
RubyRosie commented on RubyRosie's blog entry in Please no pity
@abhaya thanks that wouldbe nice. RR -
16 - I've been trying to manage my stress, mostly without success
RubyRosie posted a blog entry in Please no pity
So, the past month has been kindof an exercise in how much stress I can handle. My niece and nephew started school. They have a hybrid model, so they are home two days/week and in person three days. At first I was super concerned about them being exposed to other kids at school and bringing home whatever cold is going around. But now I'm kinda at the point where I just need a break. They have just absolutely forgotten a whole bunch of social skills and somewhere in the last 6 months they just quit caring what I think. Like where I used to just be able to give a disapproving look, now -
Writing out these thoughts has been tough, not just because I'm finally coming to terms with a part of my childhood I forso long hoped would just disappear, but I'm having trouble putting it down in words. And I know that at some future date when I am comfortable with the idea of sharing this blog's contents with Ls and Lb, I don't want to hurt them more. Even now, all these years later, I'm trying to shield them from the pain my csa may cause them. I know I'm not responsible for it. I cannot continue to play the roll of preschooler RR, taking care of everyone else's feelings like my own don't
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I've been writing this blog for a while now and I have a few observations. Some were expected, others surprising. Occasionally (either while I'm just thinking about what to write or, much less often, while I'm actually writing,) when something happens that reminds me of mychildhood - a smell, a sound, etc) I burst into tears, reminded of how I felt as a kid. It's been happening several times a week. This usually only lasts a few minutes. I feel profoundly sad for the young RR. It's like I'm feeling all this now because I'm allowed to feel this now. Sometimes I don't know what the myste
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@Enigma87 thank you for reading it. RR
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@Enigma87 TW - I use direct language when talking about this assault. - specifically r**e First, thank you for sharing this awful painful memory. I know how hard sharing is, and how scary it is, especially since you are afraid of being judged. I am proud of you for sharing this secret. Secondly, although he was considerably younger than you, AND that fact alone was enough to trigger you with echoes of past abuse you've endured, his age has absolutely nothing to do with it. To show you what I mean, please just bear with me for a moment. An age gap alone isn't enough fo
