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PearlofMary

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    Survivor

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  1. Sometimes

    Sometime life is painful. Add a rape ...add another...add alcohol...become a w**re...oh crud...life kinda stinks. No Ward & June life here. Add God...it gets better, but I came face to face with their choices vs. my choices. I made the mistakes, in spite of the "Why's" and the "who's and the "What fors"...I failed to read the bible and I suffered a little more...because Satan doesn't let it lie down and cry. He attacks "IT"...the sinful creature... Walk away and satan has to let go. So long as you walk to God. My pc erased a bit but the gist is still here. Too heavey on the key board...that stinks too. I think i know the "who' and i want so much to hate them. ah well, I pray for them, too. Bible study night...pray for me, if you know Jesus...or even if you only know OF Him. Love POM
  2. New To this. This is my first day here

    Welcome, Cmerlotts . You are not alone....whatever you need to heal, it's a beautiful group... -POM
  3. Sometimes

    I've shared alot...not everything, here, as in other places. It still scares me. to think 'they're out there'. The family of peds...are out there and doing damage to me in here. I'm so paranoid they see and hear. I don't know who they are. I know they're creepy people. And worse, I may know them. And only because I don't know for sure, I am 'nice' to them. The daughter stared at me, not knowing I noticed and smirked. She's older than I am, but once upon a time, the playing field was leveled and, if her, she was forced as I to do unspeakable things...only she was brainwashed worse than me. Now she would be like her mother. Perhaps a set of evil things in her life too. I should say something, I can't. No one listens to me. No one cares. One person I trusted says, "Well, it's all in the past." But I know now, she doesn't believe or care. I shiver in spirit. God help me. -POM
  4. 'The Tale'

    aperson - I can only relate to this well. 30 years of revolving door therapy and hospitalizations....there is a record of something that happened...no proof of the rape...except in my memory. One therapist stated that they have best to treat it as though it happened and figure it out as they go....paraphrased. Funny thing is; that therapist dogged me. For lack of a better word. I worked on a personal relationship with Jesus to help me sort things out. They were so confusing for me as well. Now I kind of understand....I'd hate to say I completely understand... I was 5, too, and still alone with all this. Doubted, hated, manipulated, destroyed ...that pretty well coins it. In need of a dear friend who understands...I"m crushed tonight. -POM God bless!
  5. Sometimes

    Rare that I stay up to clean It seems like a woman thing. I didn't like women for years. Grandmas...ok. Children yes, but women, I didn't like them at all. Especially in make up. I don't know for sure why. I think it had something to do with the feel of it when I first tried to wear it. I hated the mask. Random thoughts of nothing...just calming by middle of the night cleaning frenzy to a quiet breath. Thanks for listening....soon I will interact. -POM
  6. Sometimes

    I sometimes feel like chastising myself for the things I have done wrong....other times, I just want to celebrate the victories! Like today, I did mow the lawn...5th time on a rider all life long. It's scary for me....no 4 wheeler in the past, no tractor, no cycle...just me and this 'monster' lawn mower....on an uneven surface at times with waves of plain....I did it...and I got somewhere, it's not done...I stopped in the middle for a break and cried a bit, but I did it. And I went out again to do more. It sounds so wimpy...it is. But I still think a little like a 5 year old inside. Where the fear settled first... I took the challenge and I did it... my best, at least. I know when I return, I'll feel foolish and wonder how absolutely completely I humiliated myself by sharing. But it's courage for another day, for either me or someone else. I'm writing my first sermon...a life long dream. Soon to come to fruition. I maybe can't do some things, but this I can as long as the Holy Spirit leads...God bless - POM
  7. Sometimes

    I want to journal the tough stuff in a safe place, a safe manner. My life has been manipulated, pushed, pulled ... fried in so many ways...because of their beliefs. Oh my, and Dear God ... help me, Lord When I first came here, it seemed so dark and painful...truth it still does...and I long to help at least one victim here recover....but I don't know how to do that myself. Today, I worked on negative thoughts for myself to change and not let the vile bitterness of unworthy friends...eat me alive. I have to. I have one thing to ask. Just Joy in the Lord...for what it's worth and a kind smile that says what I"ve done today meant something to someone. My work takes me a long way from home...I'm not even sure I don't pay to do the work...it's minimum wage and a lot of gas...but I"ve never been happier with the clients I work for. They are sufferers in need...and the greatest need is love. My friend often tells me get a better paying job...that suits me. This suits me...I NEED this. My fear is the financial bottom dropping out before my ship comes in. What ship? I laugh a little at that...the pinta... whew long wait for that one. God says it's coming and to trust in Him...so I will keep the faith and sing, "Jesus take the wheel" as often as I need. I will make this a positive journey for me...in due time, I will. In due time...
  8. Reconciliation

    I understand. And I'm so very proud of you. As for the 11-year-old girl...she had courage. Children as you know are limited because of size and circumstance...but look at your heart to help. She was, is and always will be a strong girl. OUr lives, our paths are lined by fire...fire too hot, fire sometimes out of control. We are the strong...we can help the weak...now that we know this. Not healed, not completely...may never be healed completely, but we have hope. And, I hope, each other. Thank you, Lane. -POM
  9. Hi I’m new, ramble, and friendless

    One of my favorite songs is by Red " Not alone". If you're able go to Utube and listen. We're here. You've got friends...and you are cared for. <3 - POM
  10. My heart is in pain

    Welcome Leahkana... Faith is what helped me. And support from other people. I blocked my assault as well. I was aided to remember very gently. A therapist might help but it takes time to find the right one and that's hard. You have support here. I felt the pain in your telling of your daughter. I'm so sorry. With you in heart and prayers - POM
  11. The miracles

    Change is in me, not what I see of them. I attended my grandson's birthday party. I knew a few people there...not so many by name, but by face. Inlaws of my son. My reputation is mud. I don' t know why. If it were said, I've sinned. It's true. If it were said I knew better...at times that, too, was true. I have fought my way out of the pit. I corrected my behavior...after a horrific rape..after a PTSD chain of events...only to be loathed. Well, if I swore, which I'd almost want to it'd be harsh. Deep breath. In. Out. Ok. So I am choosing to forgive. I've been told forgiveness is not a feeling...yet if I don't feel it, it isn't truly forgiven for me. It lingers and I lose. If I forgive behind the scenes, does that work? Not really. Because I wonder at the next time I see 'you'. At the party, I didn't even try to interact. What's the point? My grandchildren came running to me for hugs. Nothing greater on earth! An hour of watching them...interact and play and open gifts and eat cake...I left. It's better alone with them and that isn't going to happen. I love children, always have. I missed raising mine for the most part, because I was struggling with the PTSD I'm told doesn't exist because, as I'm to be aware of, nothing ever happened. Amazing, isn't it? Now the anger is spiking again...along with resentment. Oh, blessed be. Hugs if you have any....Hugs if you need Love -POM
  12. What is it like?

    @Bluesclues Thank you for your kind words. People blame, but they all need forgiveness. I appreciate you. -POM
  13. What is it like?

    What happened in my world became public on a tragic night when someone was almost murdered...for the 'concern'. Wrong someone. I was blamed and i buried it deep in my psyche I guess. The next morning I forgot. When I remembered...due to hateful people instigating it...it was 20 years later or more. The rest o fthe 'world' knew and hated me. Loathed me. Didn't believe me. I didn't get it. Until this year when an all out attack on my person ensued. I'm terrified to post this. It wasn't a physical attack, but a cowardly mental and emotional attack...by so called Christians. I guess I'm suddenly angry. A new light bulb went on while posting elsewhere. I thought I"d finally gotten to the core only to upset the apple cart again. SCREAM... How long, o God, how long? Can anyone help?
  14. New Member im pretty nervous

    ...one more thing (((HUGGS))))) (if ok)
  15. New Member im pretty nervous

    Welcome. Anything you need, it's here. -POM
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