PearlofMary

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About PearlofMary

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    Survivor

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  1. Change is in me, not what I see of them. I attended my grandson's birthday party. I knew a few people there...not so many by name, but by face. Inlaws of my son. My reputation is mud. I don' t know why. If it were said, I've sinned. It's true. If it were said I knew better...at times that, too, was true. I have fought my way out of the pit. I corrected my behavior...after a horrific rape..after a PTSD chain of events...only to be loathed. Well, if I swore, which I'd almost want to it'd be harsh. Deep breath. In. Out. Ok. So I am choosing to forgive. I've been told forgiveness is not a feeling...yet if I don't feel it, it isn't truly forgiven for me. It lingers and I lose. If I forgive behind the scenes, does that work? Not really. Because I wonder at the next time I see 'you'. At the party, I didn't even try to interact. What's the point? My grandchildren came running to me for hugs. Nothing greater on earth! An hour of watching them...interact and play and open gifts and eat cake...I left. It's better alone with them and that isn't going to happen. I love children, always have. I missed raising mine for the most part, because I was struggling with the PTSD I'm told doesn't exist because, as I'm to be aware of, nothing ever happened. Amazing, isn't it? Now the anger is spiking again...along with resentment. Oh, blessed be. Hugs if you have any....Hugs if you need Love -POM
  2. @Bluesclues Thank you for your kind words. People blame, but they all need forgiveness. I appreciate you. -POM
  3. What happened in my world became public on a tragic night when someone was almost murdered...for the 'concern'. Wrong someone. I was blamed and i buried it deep in my psyche I guess. The next morning I forgot. When I remembered...due to hateful people instigating it...it was 20 years later or more. The rest o fthe 'world' knew and hated me. Loathed me. Didn't believe me. I didn't get it. Until this year when an all out attack on my person ensued. I'm terrified to post this. It wasn't a physical attack, but a cowardly mental and emotional attack...by so called Christians. I guess I'm suddenly angry. A new light bulb went on while posting elsewhere. I thought I"d finally gotten to the core only to upset the apple cart again. SCREAM... How long, o God, how long? Can anyone help?
  4. ...one more thing (((HUGGS))))) (if ok)
  5. Welcome. Anything you need, it's here. -POM
  6. Hugs...if it's ok. In response, I can only say 'ditto'.
  7. Thank you so very much. I would like that.
  8. What is it like?

    What is it like? To heal? To be healed? To be free? To run like a child once ran? To play? To skip? Is any of that possible? Why so many questions? Why no answers? Why did an hour or two steal my entire life away? My entire world? Including family? Why did she laugh when I said, "I forgive you." Why, if it's really her, does she shy away from me now? Why can't I cry? When can I scream? When is it enough for them? When is God coming back? Why do I feel like I've lost when I know I'm going to win? Where is the little girl? What happened to her? Why does my heart still break? -POM
  9. New

    Welcome dear lady!
  10. I emailed my daughter tonight. I wrote a letter. Simple. With love from me. A lost art. I sat here contemplating an enemy and I further contemplated forgiveness. It nearly washed over me but not completely. It'll come though and I think it'll be soon. Then I hope to see change in both me and them. God bless! -POM
  11. The miracles

    How do you say it? The r word? I walked into a house to go to the bathroom. I was 5. I fear there will never be security even in anonymity. I live in a small town with 'eyes' and 'mouths" and hateful gossip...I wish I could get past it. I prefer to wait on the Lord to correct it. They've already tried to kill me. Twice. I really want to blog this, I can't. I will say this. It was a miracle that kept me and my parents alive that night. No one wants to take responsibility for their actions so I'm blamed. I'm persecuted in wide open places. Call 'her' scarlet and let the peds remain. Makes me sick.
  12. "Today, I am strong. I am a warrior". It may get easier, but it may not. However, YOU will continue to get stronger...I know this. Blessings! -POM
  13. These are very pretty. -POM