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PearlofMary

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    Survivor

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  1. Sometimes

    I've been struggling for some time with an issue....let's just say Chocolate...and I stopped going there for a time...a couple of weeks. Life was good. Suddenly, it's all about chocolate again, literally. I'm not ashamed or mad; just apathetic. Yet I reconsider or briefly Consider my behavior before I do it. tonight I read a note that made good sense. "Our actions won't change, until we change our minds". (Joyce Meyer, Battlefield of the Mind.) I came to the conclusion, I'm afraid of an attack - spiritual attack. Nearly as bad as a physical or verbal attack...it puts you on guard. I don't want to be courageous but what other action can save lives?
  2. Sometimes

    Very unsettled today. I didn't take meds yesterday. It's a love/hate war with them. No reason. Not addicting. I don't like to be reliant on them. I want my peace to be my peace, not synthetic. I took it now and it'll be better soon. I'm so thankful now for this site. It seemed a little daunting at first...but the more the burden lifts, the more pain it seems to be. I need to be near you..people who understand. Others try...but dont. I"m called Manic by people who don't know me as well as they think, a liar by family...people who should know better and stupid by the users in my life...the ones with sugar daddies and they want me to be their sugar friend. ughh...makes me sick. ..the waste I've gone through. In an effort to show them one thing...God. They claim faith but they do not know the Father. I'm done with that. I'm done, done, done with that. SHould I forget that it's here in my archives. Love -POM
  3. I’m back here

    Welcome back! I did the same. I came a long time ago. I didn't even remember the name. I returned now and it's getting easier and brighter all the time. Good people with a great deal of encouragement...compassion, experience. You're not alone. -POM
  4. Hello?

    Welcome @awake123! It's good to be here. take your time to look around. You are not alone. Nor do you ever have to feel that...there are wonderful people here. I'm sorry for the sorrow and struggles you've been through. Always I'm open to listen. I hope to see you here a lot. -POM
  5. Hello

    WElcome @TeaLove! You have courage to make strides in recovery...this is another step. My two charges are now married with children. I'm a grandma of 4 now. It was a long haul. I dealt with amnesia, schizoaffective disorder and multiple hospitalizations...along with a family situation with siblings. Tonight i had a long talk with my sister and opened a wound...not a big one, but we cleared the air a little. It's progress...I hope you find everything you need to help you on the journey and I pray I can be a part of that. -POM
  6. I'm back

    @tgdouglas11 I'm very proud of you. I know, who am I? But I am proud of you for fighting so hard. I've come close a few times...always slipping back. But it's progress, not perfection. PTSD is a complicated battle with many set backs. Trust in your faith system and developing a support group are two vital needs. I'm still unsure of this site and if any advice is not good. I want to help. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. Please forgive me if I err. - POM
  7. Scared

    In my heart and thoughts....You're not alone...never alone. - POM
  8. Sometimes

    BAM!!! SLamming a door, banging a cupboard, beating a countertop....that's today.
  9. Scared

    Welcome. You are not alone. Always know that... - POM
  10. Sometimes

    Sometimes...I have clarity of mind. Almost three years ago, I was made an outcast in my town. I did not know why. I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong. It was a cold day in October and it remained cold until about a week ago. My old friend came up and hugged me while a short time before, she, too, rejected me. I'm ok now. I'm stronger for it. I still don't know why but I may have a clue. To exemplify...because of the diagnosis of schizo=affective disorder and the torment of a voice I didin't understand, I shut out the world. No TV, no radio other than Christian, no secular books and no newspapers. If my name made the newspaper, I wouldn't know it. I reach out to the hurting souls...as much as I can...because I hurt. Misery loves to help misery survive another day. At least here. Today, I realized what may have triggered. it. I forgave a few young souls a crime. I did so in writing. I did the best I knew at the time. Would I again? Forgive them? I think so...but not publically. I don't know even if that's why. I'm not sure it was public. I feel ignorant. God is so close now. Yet so far.. I felt destitute and alone in the possibility of this consideration. It probably doesn't matter anymore. Those who hate me, will probably always hate me. Just as those who love me, may always love me. Somedays Ail I want is to be 'liked'. Even a little. That's the little 5 year old in me facing amnesia and rejection like no other. A few good friends is all one needs to survive this world...I suppose. One good friend is more than our share, I once read. I'm thankful I have Jesus in that capacity. I don't even want to share all the details. I want to push it away, put it down and move on. But, because of the amnesia, maybe an extension of the brain washing, I don't always understand completely the situation. Months even years later...I get it. Thank God, He's got all of it and knows not only my past, but also the future and He has the blueprint of my life. I live for eternity...but I have to do it one day at a time on earth. Sometimes that's the scariest thing I have to do. I found a hole in my car...possibly a bullet hole. I didn't look too close lest my suspicions be made reality. Clarity isn't always a good thing. I'm not scared, just surprised...and alert. My life is in Jesus...my hope is in the Lord. I'm thankful for this place...this space to write about it all. God bless! - POM
  11. Sometimes

    Sometime life is painful. Add a rape ...add another...add alcohol...become a w**re...oh crud...life kinda stinks. No Ward & June life here. Add God...it gets better, but I came face to face with their choices vs. my choices. I made the mistakes, in spite of the "Why's" and the "who's and the "What fors"...I failed to read the bible and I suffered a little more...because Satan doesn't let it lie down and cry. He attacks "IT"...the sinful creature... Walk away and satan has to let go. So long as you walk to God. My pc erased a bit but the gist is still here. Too heavey on the key board...that stinks too. I think i know the "who' and i want so much to hate them. ah well, I pray for them, too. Bible study night...pray for me, if you know Jesus...or even if you only know OF Him. Love POM
  12. New To this. This is my first day here

    Welcome, Cmerlotts . You are not alone....whatever you need to heal, it's a beautiful group... -POM
  13. Sometimes

    I've shared alot...not everything, here, as in other places. It still scares me. to think 'they're out there'. The family of peds...are out there and doing damage to me in here. I'm so paranoid they see and hear. I don't know who they are. I know they're creepy people. And worse, I may know them. And only because I don't know for sure, I am 'nice' to them. The daughter stared at me, not knowing I noticed and smirked. She's older than I am, but once upon a time, the playing field was leveled and, if her, she was forced as I to do unspeakable things...only she was brainwashed worse than me. Now she would be like her mother. Perhaps a set of evil things in her life too. I should say something, I can't. No one listens to me. No one cares. One person I trusted says, "Well, it's all in the past." But I know now, she doesn't believe or care. I shiver in spirit. God help me. -POM
  14. 'The Tale'

    aperson - I can only relate to this well. 30 years of revolving door therapy and hospitalizations....there is a record of something that happened...no proof of the rape...except in my memory. One therapist stated that they have best to treat it as though it happened and figure it out as they go....paraphrased. Funny thing is; that therapist dogged me. For lack of a better word. I worked on a personal relationship with Jesus to help me sort things out. They were so confusing for me as well. Now I kind of understand....I'd hate to say I completely understand... I was 5, too, and still alone with all this. Doubted, hated, manipulated, destroyed ...that pretty well coins it. In need of a dear friend who understands...I"m crushed tonight. -POM God bless!
  15. Sometimes

    Rare that I stay up to clean It seems like a woman thing. I didn't like women for years. Grandmas...ok. Children yes, but women, I didn't like them at all. Especially in make up. I don't know for sure why. I think it had something to do with the feel of it when I first tried to wear it. I hated the mask. Random thoughts of nothing...just calming by middle of the night cleaning frenzy to a quiet breath. Thanks for listening....soon I will interact. -POM
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