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PearlofMary

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    Survivor

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  1. Sometimes

    I sometimes feel like chastising myself for the things I have done wrong....other times, I just want to celebrate the victories! Like today, I did mow the lawn...5th time on a rider all life long. It's scary for me....no 4 wheeler in the past, no tractor, no cycle...just me and this 'monster' lawn mower....on an uneven surface at times with waves of plain....I did it...and I got somewhere, it's not done...I stopped in the middle for a break and cried a bit, but I did it. And I went out again to do more. It sounds so wimpy...it is. But I still think a little like a 5 year old inside. Where the fear settled first... I took the challenge and I did it... my best, at least. I know when I return, I'll feel foolish and wonder how absolutely completely I humiliated myself by sharing. But it's courage for another day, for either me or someone else. I'm writing my first sermon...a life long dream. Soon to come to fruition. I maybe can't do some things, but this I can as long as the Holy Spirit leads...God bless - POM
  2. Sometimes

    I want to journal the tough stuff in a safe place, a safe manner. My life has been manipulated, pushed, pulled ... fried in so many ways...because of their beliefs. Oh my, and Dear God ... help me, Lord When I first came here, it seemed so dark and painful...truth it still does...and I long to help at least one victim here recover....but I don't know how to do that myself. Today, I worked on negative thoughts for myself to change and not let the vile bitterness of unworthy friends...eat me alive. I have to. I have one thing to ask. Just Joy in the Lord...for what it's worth and a kind smile that says what I"ve done today meant something to someone. My work takes me a long way from home...I'm not even sure I don't pay to do the work...it's minimum wage and a lot of gas...but I"ve never been happier with the clients I work for. They are sufferers in need...and the greatest need is love. My friend often tells me get a better paying job...that suits me. This suits me...I NEED this. My fear is the financial bottom dropping out before my ship comes in. What ship? I laugh a little at that...the pinta... whew long wait for that one. God says it's coming and to trust in Him...so I will keep the faith and sing, "Jesus take the wheel" as often as I need. I will make this a positive journey for me...in due time, I will. In due time...
  3. Reconciliation

    I understand. And I'm so very proud of you. As for the 11-year-old girl...she had courage. Children as you know are limited because of size and circumstance...but look at your heart to help. She was, is and always will be a strong girl. OUr lives, our paths are lined by fire...fire too hot, fire sometimes out of control. We are the strong...we can help the weak...now that we know this. Not healed, not completely...may never be healed completely, but we have hope. And, I hope, each other. Thank you, Lane. -POM
  4. Hi I’m new, ramble, and friendless

    One of my favorite songs is by Red " Not alone". If you're able go to Utube and listen. We're here. You've got friends...and you are cared for. <3 - POM
  5. My heart is in pain

    Welcome Leahkana... Faith is what helped me. And support from other people. I blocked my assault as well. I was aided to remember very gently. A therapist might help but it takes time to find the right one and that's hard. You have support here. I felt the pain in your telling of your daughter. I'm so sorry. With you in heart and prayers - POM
  6. The miracles

    Change is in me, not what I see of them. I attended my grandson's birthday party. I knew a few people there...not so many by name, but by face. Inlaws of my son. My reputation is mud. I don' t know why. If it were said, I've sinned. It's true. If it were said I knew better...at times that, too, was true. I have fought my way out of the pit. I corrected my behavior...after a horrific rape..after a PTSD chain of events...only to be loathed. Well, if I swore, which I'd almost want to it'd be harsh. Deep breath. In. Out. Ok. So I am choosing to forgive. I've been told forgiveness is not a feeling...yet if I don't feel it, it isn't truly forgiven for me. It lingers and I lose. If I forgive behind the scenes, does that work? Not really. Because I wonder at the next time I see 'you'. At the party, I didn't even try to interact. What's the point? My grandchildren came running to me for hugs. Nothing greater on earth! An hour of watching them...interact and play and open gifts and eat cake...I left. It's better alone with them and that isn't going to happen. I love children, always have. I missed raising mine for the most part, because I was struggling with the PTSD I'm told doesn't exist because, as I'm to be aware of, nothing ever happened. Amazing, isn't it? Now the anger is spiking again...along with resentment. Oh, blessed be. Hugs if you have any....Hugs if you need Love -POM
  7. What is it like?

    @Bluesclues Thank you for your kind words. People blame, but they all need forgiveness. I appreciate you. -POM
  8. What is it like?

    What happened in my world became public on a tragic night when someone was almost murdered...for the 'concern'. Wrong someone. I was blamed and i buried it deep in my psyche I guess. The next morning I forgot. When I remembered...due to hateful people instigating it...it was 20 years later or more. The rest o fthe 'world' knew and hated me. Loathed me. Didn't believe me. I didn't get it. Until this year when an all out attack on my person ensued. I'm terrified to post this. It wasn't a physical attack, but a cowardly mental and emotional attack...by so called Christians. I guess I'm suddenly angry. A new light bulb went on while posting elsewhere. I thought I"d finally gotten to the core only to upset the apple cart again. SCREAM... How long, o God, how long? Can anyone help?
  9. New Member im pretty nervous

    ...one more thing (((HUGGS))))) (if ok)
  10. New Member im pretty nervous

    Welcome. Anything you need, it's here. -POM
  11. Moving Forward and Early Coping

    Hugs...if it's ok. In response, I can only say 'ditto'.
  12. What is it like?

    Thank you so very much. I would like that.
  13. What is it like?

    What is it like? To heal? To be healed? To be free? To run like a child once ran? To play? To skip? Is any of that possible? Why so many questions? Why no answers? Why did an hour or two steal my entire life away? My entire world? Including family? Why did she laugh when I said, "I forgive you." Why, if it's really her, does she shy away from me now? Why can't I cry? When can I scream? When is it enough for them? When is God coming back? Why do I feel like I've lost when I know I'm going to win? Where is the little girl? What happened to her? Why does my heart still break? -POM
  14. New

    Welcome dear lady!
  15. The miracles

    I emailed my daughter tonight. I wrote a letter. Simple. With love from me. A lost art. I sat here contemplating an enemy and I further contemplated forgiveness. It nearly washed over me but not completely. It'll come though and I think it'll be soon. Then I hope to see change in both me and them. God bless! -POM
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