moments like today and previous days re-enforce the feeling that i will be alone. im without my foundation, have been for over two months now. nothing i say or do seems to work at getting her back. i secretly cry but pretend to her face im okay. its hard, very hard, knowing im the reason she doesnt want to be with me. ive been fighting since i was a toddler for love and when ive finally found it, i figured i was safe. but every day ive always had this feeling she would leave. i know im a f up, i know that. ive been trying so hard to be better and she told me if i try she would always be there. yet she cant even sleep next to me at night. i know im not the person she wants to be with, shes told me her ideal woman. me and my problems dont fit the bill. im too much with my past. i guess all that questioning of am i capable of love, well i got my answer. my heart has been breaking for months. but im very good at burying my feelings. im very good at shutting down. i dont know where to go anymore. no friends, no family. she is literally all i have left. just so lost, so tired of pain. why cant anyone love me? what the hell is so wrong with me? i dont have anyone to turn to for comfort. every so called friend, every so called family member is too involved in their own lives to be there for me, not like ive been for them. i got no car, no license, no job, nothing. where can i go? who can i talk to? who will comfort me when the only person i have has pulled away? please, i just want the pain to stop. i just want to be happy.
About this blog
Through my growth I hope to help myself evolve into the person I am/was supposed to be before life changed me. By helping myself, I help others to find courage, self-respect, and love by finding my voice. I hope through reading my journey, others can see my mistakes, my joys, my accomplishments, my tears, my smiles, and my growth.
Entries in this blog
so most people will say im crazy for even thinking or believing this but, ive died four times...in my dreams. so i believe that when we dream we experience things outisde this world we live in with other souls. i believe this is why we can recognize someone in reality and not know where you saw them before. so, the first two dreams ive had was years ago but i remember them like it happened two minutes ago. i was standing up to this bully, some guy, and i remember being shot in the chest. i remember feeling the burning sensation, feeling my blood leave my body, feeling my life come to an end as my breathing slowed down. there was no white light, no flashbacks on my life, no moments of regret, no confessionals of undying love. just silence. a stillness, no voices in my head, just stillness. the third time i was in a stadium, the earth was coming to an end. im surrounded with hundreds of people trying to escape this tsunami but the stadium starts to fill with water anyway. there is this preacher trying to calm everyone, helping them ease into the death. my birth family is there (B, my aunt, uncle, cousin and her 3 kids) then everyone panics and tries to run again knowing there is no escape but try anyway. they try to convince me to leave but i stay as well as my uncle. we sit on the steps listening and watching people run as the water rises. then it reaches me and i feel myself holding my breathe then letting go. i feel the water enter my lungs, i feel it all over my body and in my ears, then i take on last deep breathe and stillness. i feel that my heart has stopped beating, i feel my body begin to float a little but its quiet, no voices, a calm settles over me.
after each dream i wake up slowly and feel at least for those few minutes a sense of peace i can never describe. its like a chance at being born again of something. im not a religious person by any means nor am i deeply spiritual but i do believe in living multiple lives and i feel like thats what ive experienced. i believe we die only to come back and try life again. most will probably chalk it up to heartburn while im sleeping or whatever but its indescribable the feeling of dying. i dont know when i will ever experience it again but, i will always remember those dreams. i will take from them every thing i will ever need to learn about life.
so i had a dream not too long along ive been analyzing for a while. its similar to a few ive had recently about B (my birth mother). more often than not, other family members are there, my aunt, my cousin, and sometimes my grandmother who passed. im still me at my age of 32 but it seems like a different time and place. the gist of the dream is me expressing my pain, my hurt, my rage at her and everyone else for letting me down, teasing me, abusing me physically and verbally. sometimes im crying in the dream and i feel physical pain from the hurt which i still wake up with. but the strangest thing happens, she actually apologizes. previous dreams she doesnt. but, she acknowledges what she did and didnt do for me. my cousin is always trying to be the reasonable one to help mend things between us. in the dream im not completely convinced enough to let it go. i wake up with the remnants of the physical pain but also a calm.
ive been analyzing these dreams because in reality, i know i will never get such an apology or acknowledgment. but, im trying to determine if my soul is trying to come to some sort of resolution about her so i can move forward without her black cloud attached to me. is this my hopeful wishing manifesting itself in my dreams for a reality i will never have. i can feel that small part of me that wants to hold on to that rage because i never got revenge or justice for what she did to me. but, the bigger part of me is just tired. tired of constantly replaying every word and ever hit over and over and over again every minute of every day. so, im trying to accept this form of dream resolution in reality. the weight of her mistakes are too much to carry as my fault. weird to say, but i guess this is a form of emotion maturity lol. ive concluded my intellect is that of a wise buddha at times but my emotion maturity is that of an 8 year with surpressed expression. im hoping im growing though.
so ive been posting positive quotes all over the walls in my bedroom/drawing room to keep positivity in my face all the time. see, im working on trying to quiet the negative voices in my head. the problem was how i got my start in life. i was left in the care of a bully (my birth. other B) that knew how to lie, manipulate, and con anyone she came in contact with. in front of people, she was charismatic, funny, charming, witty, the perfect parent. B was not this person with me. after, many many many years of trying to analyze and over analyzing my upbringing, ive found one conclusion that may work. i grew up with someone who behaved like a cult leader. B didnt start off physically beating me, verballing abusing me, emotionally crippling me. she was nice, let me sleep in her bed when i had nightmares, would hug me, tell me she loved me. i believed it. then my brother was born when i was 4 and things changed. slowly the love was rescinded, no more hugs. now came the indoctrination. it was yelling, put downs, then build you up a little only to knock you down. it was calling of names instead of encouragement when doing homework then praise when completed. it was beatings for minor things or because B was irritated. as i got older, i didnt need B to say things anymore, she lives in my head and heart. now, i call myself names, put myself down, tell myself negative things about myself. and if i didnt meet my wife years back i would still be following her like a good cult member. but, i still hear her voice, see her face, feel her hands and fist. thats why im posting the quotes. i need something, anything to quiet those voices. one of them mentioned seeing the good, positive in myself. i have 19 years to conquer. so im trying to find my positives from those years moving forward. so, im going to list my positives, at the ones i believe.
- im very loyal to those i care for
- i am a good artist
- i love strongly when i open myself up
- i am very shy in person
- i like to give help more than receive any help
- i am independent to an extent
- i love to think logically and outside the box
im working on building this list, on focusing on this list during the very bad times, on continuing believing this list.
just feeling tired today. been staying up late trying to figure out my life. been putting all my energy into drawing which makes me tired as well. then im working out very hard to try and relax myself. all this and my mind still works a mile a minute. my life is going in many different directions, none of my personal choosing. trying to go with the flow but this flow sucks. i dont like not being control of my life. makes me feel like im back in that place again. i dont do weakness very well nor do i like being vulnerable. makes me feel shameful, angry, hopeless, disgusted. how do i express it? i dont. its kept inside where it cant hurt anyone yet its hurting me. and i want to unleash it. not on anyone but maybe on the ones who hurt me. so i figured to not let that rage on someone, i get a heavy bag, punch the shit out of it and maybe it might help. then i wonder, will it be the same? will it help? who knows. i do know it adds to my fatigue. it drains me of happiness.
happiness. i sometimes wonder is this an emotion i am experiencing or am i mimicking what ive seen in others. i wonder the same about love. i know i feel it because it something ive wanted and ive seen what it looks like. but i wonder am i giving it. do others feel love or my indifference to people, to affections. im not an affectionate person. never had it growing up. so how do i know im giving enough? how do i not freeze when being touched? not to say i dont want to be touched by those i care for. but, how do i stop the initial freezing at first touch or even relax into a hug? also things that run through my mind, especially lately.
i miss what i should have had growing up. decent parents, loving relationships, support, smiles, laughs, hugs, comfort. i dont like to dwell but i guess i am dwelling. i ask myself over and over why do i have to go through all this? why do i have to struggle so much alone? why do i have to experience all this just to be strong? i couldve been strong without being raped, sexually abused, physically and verbally abused. struggles can make you stronger but they can also break you. could be the fatigue talking, got me rambling. but im just tired and looping things in my head. off to find something mindless and exhausting to do.
I'm trying to understand and come to accept that I truly only have a one real best friend. I'm also trying to understand and accept that I don't have a family. Yes, I have a family I was born into but I have never considered anyone my real family. I was so very different from all of them. I cry when I'm hurt, they don't. They see tears as weakness and I was verbally and physically abused because I cried and I cried because I was being bullied. I loved to draw, my birth mother considered this a means to profit off of and also forced me to draw for my abuser instead of it just letting it be my gift for me. I liked to dance when I was a kid, but when two adults and your younger family members gang up on you and tease you, it broke me. I rarely dance now. I liked to sing when I was younger, but my birth mother today me "shut the f*** up". I only sing by myself now. I was told by my birth mother to come and talk to her about anything. Any time I said the truth, particularly my sexual abuse, I got nothing or I got beat.
I say birth mother or father because these are the people who gave birth to me but biology doesn't make them my real mother or father. Being loving to your child, protecting your child, building them up, supporting them, encouraging them in a positive manner. Those are qualities of a good mother and father. I was not loved, I wasn't protected, I was torn down, I was never supported or encouraged. Some say you had food, shelter, and clothes on your back. Monkeys provide more love to their children than some humans, mine included. I had a best friend, one that I loved more than anyone. Was there for her when her father died. When my grandmother (who was the only one to truly love me) died, she wasn't there, at all. Her mother treated me like a daughter, I lost her along with my former best friend.
So what does my family look like, it's my wife. I speak of her so much because she is my best friend. Almost 12 years and she has given me more love then I have ever experienced before in my life. I have shared my complete past with her and she has loved me even more. I have been grateful and unworthy of her love. But, I know she is all I have. I know what love is logically, but this relationship is the first time I've experienced true love since I was a child. So, she is my family. The only one I recognize...ever. One thing I look forward to are true, honest, loyal, loving friends. I can't wait to meeting them...
I havent written in a while. My mind has been other places. Lately Ive been too afraid to read post from anyone. Its like seeing the words from others' stories, seeing my story, Ive not had the courage. Sure, Ive gone about my daily busy, socialized, laughed, joked around. But, I am very proficient at hiding my feelings from my past. Often times, the only way to know Im bothered is the fact that I get quiet but even then, Im a quiet person by nature. My memories have been on my mind, my feelings of guilt, wondering why didnt I do this or that. Ive been rolling without a therapist for over a year now. Like to say Im doing better and I guess in a way I am. See, Ive been using these crystals to help me and I can say they have worked. But, I stopped using them because what happened to me is all I think about, the stories Ive read is all I think about. So, Ive stayed away hoping to lessen things, get my head back in a positive space so I can do for others as they are doing for me. One more step forward...
So today started good but ended bad for me. Since jointing this site, I’ve opened myself up to release memories and emotions I’ve always found a way to avoid. Mentally I’ve been all over the place, not balanced. My wife has been loving and patient with me for almost 12 years (something I am forever grateful for) but I still struggle being intimate with her. I’m in a constant state of being triggered. I have a safe word when I have a flashback but I’ve been so stuck with fear and disappointment I don’t say anything. I sometimes wish she would move on from me, find someone with less problems. For so long in my past I resolved myself to being alone because of this issues. Why does she stay with me? What does she see in me to make her stay? I feel all I do is let her down when it comes to this aspect of our relationship. *deep sigh*
Its hard to explain to the person you love that I feel dirty at the moment or I feel like throwing up when you touch me. Trying to explain its not YOU that makes me feel this way, just memories. Its not that she won’t understand, I just feel too vulnerable to tell her. I know I owe her honesty, but how do I find the words in the moment through the tears and pain?
Day after telling my story, I feel somber. A little relief, sadness, heartache, freeing, anger, numbness. I always feel the numbness and anger the most. It's the easiest emotions to tap into when I don't want to think about what happened to me. I have this place called my "happy place". I can be whoever I want and do whatever I want. I'm not here in this world relieving my abuse over and over again. I've lived in this world for so long, I fall into it more than living in reality. It's so safe there, everyone loves me, I'm protected, most of the time I'm protecting someone. Life is easy there. I create my own struggles but ones I know I can beat and come out a better person. I can get revenge in my happy place, the wrong can be righted.
This has been my coping method. Yes, I draw, read, work out, even do yoga and meditate to stop the chatter and memories. But, going to my happy place is my first choice. Because it has been such a part of me, I can see now how it is preventing me from facing my past. When things are too much in life, stressors from work, conflict with customer service reps, anything, I fall into my happy place. I now have to find a way to deal with these stressors in a healthier way but how? My method is easier but it's also hurting me. In everyday life (reality), going off into my head doesn't help me manage stress, I'm just avoiding it. So, I guess my next step after opening myself up about my abuse is to find a different coping skill. One that will allow me to face things without running and hiding and numbing myself to anything and everything. I know I will run often to start with and fall into old habits, I'm realistic about my faults. But, I truly want to try. I want to have simple relationships with people again. Got to start somewhere.
So, I'm at a place of limbo. Its been 20 years since my sexual abuse. I've been in and out of therapy, I've tried talking with so-called family members, my wife. I won't say that talking with my wife hasn't been helpful, but I'm stuck. I've been through so many ups and downs, more downs but through it all I've tried to be as positive as I can be. I've been very afraid of doing thing like group therapy, which is sort of how I view this site. Afraid I would read other stories and get trapped in my past memories again. How would I view my past compared to others? Is my trauma any less than others? Why do I even need to compare it to anyone? There are so many things running through my head, my heart, burned on my soul. I'm trying to balance the emotions I'm feeling now with the emotions from my past. Those moments when I feel like that young girl again is circling my mind with the fighter I've become.
So, slowly I will try to comfort the girl who was hurt by expressing her emotions, rebuild and evolve into the person I want to be. Here's to my future.