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About this blog

Through my growth I hope to help myself evolve into the person I am/was supposed to be before life changed me. By helping myself, I help others to find courage, self-respect, and love by finding my voice. I hope through reading my journey, others can see my mistakes, my joys, my accomplishments, my tears, my smiles, and my growth. 

Entries in this blog

 

Revelation

Im sitting up the night before my first therapy appt. (again), can't sleep so I'm reading articles from the day. I come across this https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/06/13/sarah-mcbride-gay-survivors-helped-launch-me-too-but-rates-lgbt-abuse-largely-overlooked/692094002/ and i felt it touched home for me. now i know i shouldn't be reading this stuff, which i didn't in a way. it was more the headline spoke to me of my situation. it wasn't long after i came out in college that my r*** happe

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

Beginning Again...

Well its been a very long while. Have to say Ive been avoiding being on here for many reasons. I got to a good place and felt I didn't need to be on here much. As with many things, my past came back. I admit I handled some areas better than I thought. For example, Ive always had this issue with bullies, not standing up for myself. Well before I started my new job (which I left because the guy there was a perv to women, especially teenage girls), I asked for a similar situation. I asked for it be

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

Contemplation In My Stagnation

I'm wondering if I'm being stand-offish lately. Not so much with people i meet offline but with being on here. Ive just been having this feeling of not wanting to participate in general discussions. Im still struggling with my past but when i log on i find myself sitting in front of the screen watching the curser blink. The part of me that used to get on and read post seems very reluctant to do so and i don't know why. i miss the interactions I've had with the people I've met here. I'm stuck. at

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

Reliving to Heal

ive been in a stretch with not thinking too much about my past. ive been reliving it somewhat recently. ive had encounters with difficult people, facing rejection, standing up for myself against those i normally cower from. the list continues. sometimes im successful, sometimes im not. i do know that by facing those similar events again, i do feel a little better after. the encounters when im uncomfortable around certain men hasnt changed. still feel frozen and scared and that fear locks on stro

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

How To Believe

do you believe youre strong? do you believe youre beautiful? dont you believe your smart, intelligent? these are just some questions ive been asked many times. inside i answer with an obvious no. but i tell people, "i guess" or "i dont know". or ill cover it up by pretending to be cocky with "of course"! i dont believe any of it. somewhere along the line in my life my belief in self, people, or anything died.  rarely do i remember being told i was beautiful. when i got As, sure i was told i

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

Just Want To Be Happy

moments like today and previous days re-enforce the feeling that i will be alone. im without my foundation, have been for over two months now. nothing i say or do seems to work at getting her back. i secretly cry but pretend to her face im okay. its hard, very hard, knowing im the reason she doesnt want to be with me. ive been fighting since i was a toddler for love and when ive finally found it, i figured i was safe. but every day ive always had this feeling she would leave. i know im a f up, i

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

Bring Born Again

so most people will say im crazy for even thinking or believing this but, ive died four times...in my dreams. so i believe that when we dream we experience things outisde this world we live in with other souls. i believe this is why we can recognize someone in reality and not know where you saw them before. so, the first two dreams ive had was years ago but i remember them like it happened two minutes ago. i was standing up to this bully, some guy, and i remember being shot in the chest. i remem

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

Making Dreams a Reality

so i had a dream not too long along ive been analyzing for a while. its similar to a few ive had recently about B (my birth mother). more often than not, other family members are there, my aunt, my cousin, and sometimes my grandmother who passed. im still me at my age of 32 but it seems like a different time and place. the gist of the dream is me expressing my pain, my hurt, my rage at her and everyone else for letting me down, teasing me, abusing me physically and verbally. sometimes im crying

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

Ending A Possible Cult Leader

so ive been posting positive quotes all over the walls in my bedroom/drawing room to keep positivity in my face all the time. see, im working on trying to quiet the negative voices in my head. the problem was how i got my start in life. i was left in the care of a bully (my birth. other B) that knew how to lie, manipulate, and con anyone she came in contact with. in front of people, she was charismatic, funny, charming, witty, the perfect parent. B was not this person with me. after, many many m

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

Looping and Rambling

just feeling tired today. been staying up late trying to figure out my life. been putting all my energy into drawing which makes me tired as well. then im working out very hard to try and relax myself. all this and my mind still works a mile a minute. my life is going in many different directions, none of my personal choosing. trying to go with the flow but this flow sucks. i dont like not being control of my life. makes me feel like im back in that place again. i dont do weakness very well nor

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

My Foundation

I'm trying to understand and come to accept that I truly only have a one real best friend. I'm also trying to understand and accept that I don't have a family. Yes, I have a family I was born into but I have never considered anyone my real family. I was so very different from all of them. I cry when I'm hurt, they don't. They see tears as weakness and I was verbally and physically abused because I cried and I cried because I was being bullied. I loved to draw, my birth mother considered this a m

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

Slowly but Surely

I havent written in a while. My mind has been other places. Lately Ive been too afraid to read post from anyone. Its like seeing the words from others' stories, seeing my story, Ive not had the courage. Sure, Ive gone about my daily busy, socialized, laughed, joked around. But, I am very proficient at hiding my feelings from my past. Often times, the only way to know Im bothered is the fact that I get quiet but even then, Im a quiet person by nature. My memories have been on my mind, my feelings

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

How To Find The Words

So today started good but ended bad for me. Since jointing this site, I’ve opened myself up to release memories and emotions I’ve always found a way to avoid. Mentally I’ve been all over the place, not balanced. My wife has been loving and patient with me for almost 12 years (something I am forever grateful for) but I still struggle being intimate with her. I’m in a constant state of being triggered. I have a safe word when I have a flashback but I’ve been so stuck with fear and disappointment I

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

Second Step

Day after telling my story, I feel somber. A little relief, sadness, heartache, freeing, anger, numbness. I always feel the numbness and anger the most. It's the easiest emotions to tap into when I don't want to think about what happened to me. I have this place called my "happy place". I can be whoever I want and do whatever I want. I'm not here in this world relieving my abuse over and over again. I've lived in this world for so long, I fall into it more than living in reality. It's so safe th

howlieowl

howlieowl

 

Starting

So, I'm at a place of limbo. Its been 20 years since my sexual abuse. I've been in and out of therapy, I've tried talking with so-called family members, my wife. I won't say that talking with my wife hasn't been helpful, but I'm stuck. I've been through so many ups and downs, more downs but through it all I've tried to be as positive as I can be. I've been very afraid of doing thing like group therapy, which is sort of how I view this site. Afraid I would read other stories and get trapped in my

howlieowl

howlieowl

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