Iheartcupcakes
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Status Updates posted by Iheartcupcakes
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I can't sleep. I had a migraine earlier this afternoon but I think I am out of the woods now. I am crying because of the recent motion and all of the feelings it brings up. I am hurting so deeply. I am off for Christmas break ( I work for a school district) and I don't want to go back to work next Monday. I just want to stay home and hide like I have been doing except for going out of town for Christmas for a few days. I am not suicidal but I don't want to be alive right now. Does that even make any sense?? I know I am rambling...I just need to get this all out, I guess.
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This has taken me to lows I never imagined. It has taught me things I never knew, and never wanted to. Being burglarized, raped, kidnapped, robbed, and left on the side of the road at gunpoint has not only changed my life; it has changed the very makeup of my soul. How do you deal with that? How do you absorb it? It's too huge to even comprehend. Feeling small...
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I am so tired of being in this constant limbo...constant waiting...constant upheaval. I don't know how to cope.
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I know this is cliché although like they say the WHEELS OF JUSTICE TURN SLOWLY, I am ashamed at how the legal system in our country works. Could be the defense wants to rack up more billable hours that is the way the system works. Attorneys have no regard for the pain and suffering that people go through when the are in a legal battle, especially the violent attack that you had to endure and continue to endure through the process. I would never minimize your brutal attack that night I read the complete story with that said I am thankful you are alive. Hang on you have gotten this far you can make it. I will pray for you.
Found your post on Defense Motion to make your life miserable....just started to read it.
Also, I hope I don't offend anyone who may be an attorney....sorry if I have
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If any Soap Opera writers run low on ideas for their shows, they could just pay attention to my life...
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I relate, @Mom2BnE. I have said the same thing. I watch David Tutera's wedding/celebration shows sometimes and he always says, "You can't make this s*** up!" when there is crazy drama. Yep....
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My stomach is a mess. My mind is a mess. My heart is DEFINITELY a mess. What does that make me? A mess. I want to be normal again...if I ever was...
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Thank you @DamagedButNotBroken (((((DBNB)))))
@snmls you are so right. We did not ask for this, did we? Thank you for that perspective.
Thank you, @lexip. This is definitely not normal.
Sometimes I feel the same way, @SociallyAwkward. Why did I survive? I am glad I did, but all of this just does not make sense. I guess I should stop trying but I wish I knew how...
@Irishgal8026 I love that emoji. Thank you so much. That makes me feel better..we are DEALING with messes...we are NOT the messes...
Viva Disney, LOL. @MzKeys75 I recently watched Inside Out at the recommendation of my T. It was actually pretty emotional and illuminating even if it is for kids. It helped me, surprisingly...Sprite and sorbet...that's a plan...
You might be right, @ActivistAlly. How can we NOT feel like a mess when we have all of this pain to absorb?
LOL!!!! Thank you for that laugh, @Whisper
And the butt bumping bunny We all get to be a mess and at least we can do it together.
Thank you all so much.
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I tried to find the thread that we talked about PTSD on but I couldn't so I'm just going to post what I recently found here because I thought it was interesting.
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I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break any further...I was wrong. I have cried all weekend over what I found out that is in my post about the wife's statement. I am even more shattered than I was before...but at least I have some answers now.
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I am sad. I am exhausted. I want this trial to be over and at the same time I dread it.
Why do I care so much about the DA valuing me and caring? Why does it hurt me when she doesn't show either? I wish I could stop...It hurts...
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You are right, @wishinuponastar.
Thank you, @Free2Fly
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I don't like this me. I don't like this emotional, scared, weak, doubting, slip of the woman I used to be. I do not like this me. I do not like who my rapist caused me to become.
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This you is temporary. You are adjusting to things every day, and you will be finding yourself in new ways. Your rapist has caused you to react differently, but that, too, will calm and change as you learn to take back your emotions . . . your fear . . . your confidence . . . your power. But no matter what else you are or will be . . . you, my dear, are most certainly NOT weak!! You are breath-takingly strong!
"Even fighting dragons is not without its moments of terror, but that doesn't take away from the fact that you are a badass for fighting that dragon!"
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This trial is going to test everything I am made of. It is going to take everything I am made of just to survive it...
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I just don't feel good today. I want to go home and go to bed. I want to cry, and try to make some sense out of the mess that is my impact statement. I'm hurting. I can't believe he did all this to me. I can't believe how retraumatizing the whole reporting/judicial process is. I am reminded of the SANE process...it all hurts so much.
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I am scared. I am afraid of what will happen tomorrow at the DA's office.
I am confused. Is my rapist a monster or just insane?
I am hurting. Either way...the damage is done....
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I've been without my grandmother (essentially my mother) for two long, hard years now. I am numb. I can't believe I can't pick up the phone and call her for her wisdom and loving advice. She was my rock...the one I always ran to when I needed someone. I am thankful that my other family, especially my aunts, have taken that spot. I am so grateful for their love and support. Everyone in my family knows what happened to me. They are all behind me. It is so encouraging.
I even got a lovely gift from one aunt today. It is a teal ribbon themed Pandora charm bracelet in colors of teal, gold, silver, and white diamonds. I am speechless. The amount of money, time, and effort it took to give me this special gift is indeed humbling. I posted it in Teal Tears (of support) for iheartcupcakes.
I am sad, but I am blessed.
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Feeling better today, but not for long
Yesterday was the anniversary of the shooting which I posted about, and tomorrow is the day my grandmother died two years ago. She was basically my mother and I miss her so much. I will probably cry all day At least she died before knowing all of this that happened to me six months ago...
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I got the sweetest, most humbling compliments from my T. I don't know what prompted her to text me, even though she is on vacation, but I am thankful.
She sent me the link to the Stanford victim's statement and told me that it made her think of me and the courage I am demonstrating as I continue to heal. I told her I had already read it and she told me that she believes my statement will be just as powerful.
We talked a little more and she said, "You are one of the most courageous & woman of valor I think I have ever had the honor of knowing." That floored me. I didn't see that one coming, LOL. I try to "let it in" as she puts it, and feel the good emotions instead of just dismissing it as untrue and just a nice thing she said to make me feel better. I am humbled that she thinks so much of me.
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I want to be somebody. I want to impart social change. I want to be a catalyst for that change. I want to use my story and my pain to help others. I want to be famous, but not for myself. I want to be famous so that I have the clout and influence I need to affect that change. I long to do great things. But I don't know how or if I am even able...
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I didn't want to leave my house this morning. I am not getting my work done. I don't feel good mentally or physically. I just want to go home and go to bed and cuddle with my dog...
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I can't go to the graduation. I started feeling sick last weekend-very sore throat, drainage...and I am still sick. I am going to the doctor today. I hope I don't have bronchitis or something. I can't be around the triplets like this, and I feel awful. So I am staying home. There is supposed to be really, really bad weather anyway and I definitely do not want to drive in it.
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My best friend's nephew is graduating Saturday. I have been there since before he was born. I want to go and support my almost-nephew, too. But I am scared. It is in the Dallas area and I live a few hours away. I don't like driving at night. I am not going to leave Pepper in the care of a friend this time. I am always going to take him with me from now on, so at least he will be there. His separation anxiety is too bad for me to leave him for long. He has doggy PTSD
You might remember what happened last time I went to a graduation
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I hope that it goes well. Perhaps someone might be willing to drive up with you if they also needed/wanted to go to Dallas for a bit. Then, you'd have company. And, if the other person already has reason to go to Dallas, they could stay wherever they usually stay. So, it's not like you're bringing and extra guest to your friend's place.
As for the graduation itself, I know that crowds are a trigger. If you know more about the graduation venue perhaps you can figure out if there is a spot that will feel more comfortable for you (if your seating isn't dictated by tickets). Or, you can be honest with your friend about your PTSD, and tell her you need to stick close by her especially in walking into the venue and getting seated.
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Today is a court day. Court days are always sickening.
I did not attend. Nothing much is going to happen except for them to formally continue the dates from pre-trial today to 8/15 and the trial from 6/20 to 8/29. He is still going before the judge for what he did to me, even though it is not major. I hate thinking about it.
I called the sheriff's office this morning to see if he was still on the court docket even though the dates had changed and the lady started reading off his charges, starting with, "Two counts of rape---" I interjected that I knew, as I was his victim. It was hard.
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Thank you so much, AS1. It was rather surreal. She just happily replied, "Okay!" When I tried to interrupt her reading the hideous charges and said I was his victim. I wanted to tell her that rape is nothing to be chipper about, but I know that would be wrong...
Thank you, lexip. The trial was originally supposed to be in less than three weeks and I wish it still was. I am so ready for it to be over.
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Scared. That is the one word I can say right now that sums up how I have felt every day since 11/22/15. I am scared of everything.
Join the club -- I get to be a mess! You get to be a mess! Everybody gets to be a mess! 
